Where am I going wrong with my toddler ?!

[Beachbooks]

My little boy is 20 months old and I don’t feel like I’m doing a very good job with him at the moment.

I take him to various classes every week (e.g toddler football, music ) but he rarely engages in it and just runs around and messes about trying to climb up onto chairs etc.

I set up activities for him at home, similar to what he would be doing if he went to nursery. This week I did frozen paint, a block of ice with his toys frozen in for him to melt & fishing Pom Poms out of a bowl of water. He wasn’t interested in any of it, didn’t even want to sit in his paddling pool which he used to love. Instead just kept throwing rocks around even though I repeatedly told him no as it was dangerous.

I rotate his toys around each week but he’s more interested in jumping all over my sofa / emptying cupboards.

All our antenatal group are well on their way with potty training, are way ahead with their speech, can sit and play nicely & some of them are even counting to 10 and saying their alphabet. My boy isn’t doing any of that.

We didn’t send him to nursery as we aren’t eligible for the 30 free hours and it just wasn’t financially viable for me to go to work by the time I’d paid out for a train fare as well but I’m wondering if that was a mistake. It just seems like there is something I’m not getting right with him in terms of his behaviour & also learning.

Does anyone have any advice please ?

Stop with the class. They’re just too structured for where he is at. Encouraged lots of physical active play. Watch carefully to see what he enjoys doing.

Is he actually behind with speach or just not where you want him to be?

Stop all that and just observe him. See what he likes and do what he likes. Not all children are the same are the same. With him throwing rocks just try and replace the behaviour with a safe behaviour so for example throwing the rocks into a bucket ? I do the same with my son. He’s a thrower but goes through phases where he likes painting or water play more than others and I go with that. My daughter on the other hand is different. Just follow his lead. And get him speech therapy

Sounds like my DC1. Only child not singing and clapping at rhyme time.

just do stuff they want eg playground or scooters. He got more into stuff at around 4 but will never sit down and do a craft. He’s not that sort of kid.

my DC2 and DC3 might be more into it. Time will tell. DC2 already sits down a bit more

What sort of active play would you recommend ? I really thought the football would be his thing but he spends the whole session running away & when we go to softplay, it’s the one time he actually goes and sits down to play with the toys there 😅

Speech wise, he isn’t linking his words yet. His vocab is def growing but he’s nowhere near 50 words yet and is very choosy about what sounds he imitates.

I think you need to follow his lead more. He sounds very active so go outside, go to the park, buy him a climbing frame. Buy him some soft balls he can throw around. Why are you making him sit down for activities he has no interest in?

Counting to 10 and saying the alphabet is not a milestone for not even age 2. Those toddlers are simply repeating something they learnt by heart because someone drilled it into them. It has no value age 20 months.

So, basically none of those things you've mentioned are typical at 20 months! I guarantee you that people are either exaggerating, or you're in some twilight zone antenatal group full of exceptional children!

Your boy sounds much like my son, who, at 2.5 still cannot sit and play "nicely", or very rarely; some kids just want to move their bodies and explore the physical world around them. I basically don't bother with classes as I know it's a waste, but things like playgrounds and nature walks are much better.

Also, apparently kids just can't really conceptualize "no" at this age, and certainly not younger. So it's advisable to manage your expectations and also the environment around them; if he likes throwing stuff, tell him what he CAN throw, intervene before rock throwing occurs etc.

Re potty training, we waited until 25 months to start, which is actually still on the early side, and I would say we are finally 95% accident free at 30 months. Focus more on potty learning for now, sitting him on the potty when you see him straining to poop etc. That's what we did, and we havent had any of the poop fear issues that can happen when people start their kids on that later.

As for other advice, I really liked the book "how to talk so little kids can listen" and "the whole brain child". It helps to understand what they're going through developmentally.

You're not doing anything wrong except setting your expectations a bit high! Sure, your kid is more physical than other kids, but it doesn't mean he is behind. In fact, my son at 2.5 (despite still loving causing chaos and running amok) has had a huge language leap within the past year or so, and can talk to full paragraphs, using similes etc! That said, he has literally zero interest in learning his alphabet 😂 that will come!

Right now just baby proof, tire that kid out and know that this is very, very normal!

All the activities you are doing sound amazing but don’t sound like what your son would enjoy. He sounds like a big movement kid… pillow forts , obstacle courses, get things he can thrown like bean bags and see who can throw further

20months my daughter was no where near potty training or 50 words either - for some they just take more time

Okay thank you I will try to do that. I do the classes because it adds structure to our week & for both of us to mix with other mums & babies but perhaps I need to just knock it all on the head.

Re the milestones, I do understand that they are just repeating it back but DS won’t even repeat ‘Ta’ back to me so just feel a bit deflated tbh

@AmpleAnt thank you - think I’m just feeling quite deflated atm but I will look at those books you recommended. Thank you

I think you might need to manage your expectations and let your son lead. At his age these sorts of classes are about the parents socialising not about the kid. He won’t have the attention span to focus on any of that.

He’s clearly spirited and wants to lean his way, by exploring. As others say take him to the park: chase him round, feed the ducks, let him make a mess at home and play with Tupperware. See if he’ll help you with hanging up the washing.

Maybe a couple of half days at playgroup or nursery would benefit him too. Doesn’t everyone get 15 hours?

My daughter has just turned two and is exactly the same. Never wants to do the structured activity at play group or if I try ti play a game. Just wants to run around and do her own thing. She’s very happy and content but just not interested in certain things. She wants to do what she wants

This sounds completely normal. One and a half olds rarely have the ability to properly take part in structured classes, this lasts at least another 1-2 years.
The majority of toddlers that age are also not remotely potty trained.

I think you’re obsessing over a few details and not seeing the full picture when you look at other children, the behaviour of your toddler is well within the expected development.

50 words is the goal by the 2 year review, but the 2 year review is typically done closer to 2y4m to allow for most toddlers to level out.
As for linking words, the normal development by the 2 year review is a few phrases of 2-3 words together. It’s not speaking in sentences and a 20 month old has a lot of development to go before these things are measured.

You need to parent the child you have, not the one you wished for. What you're doing is fantastic...for a child who likes structured classes and calm focussed tasks. That's not your boy at the moment.

He sounds like he likes being physical and exploring independently. So instead aim for:

Lots of outside time, forests/woods/beaches where he can skim stones and collect sticks and climb and run and follow his interests. Look to see if you have a forest school nursery/playgroup nearby.

Swimming - try lessons or just a leisure swim, this is great for kids who have a lot of energy to burn.

Softplay - if it works, go for it.

Playgroups/Stay and Play - he can meet other kids but in an unstructured/free to explore way.

At home look into getting a trampoline or a climbing frame. He maybe enjoy a play couch. Build dens. Make assault courses. Find ways for him to throw and jump and climb that are safe and don't ruin your furniture!

NCT groups are notorious for show off parents who try hard to seem like they've got it all sorted.

Honestly, no one should be potty trained at 20 months imo, unless you want months of mopping up wee. By circumstance I couldn't do it earlier so just potty trained at 30 months.. took 2 days and no accidents.

Try play sessions at your local children's centre rather than classes. They're less structured and more variety for him to find something he wants to do.

I agree with other posters in that you probably would be best off stopping the classes and doing something he will enjoy more instead. It’s so easy I think to fall into what you think you should be doing rather than parenting the child you have, trying to put them into a box they don’t quite fit in will just frustrate both of you and then nobody wins.

My daughter is 2 now, turned 2 in May so is still a young 2, and I’ve always stuck primarily to playgroup type classes with mostly free time rather than “sit and listen, do this then that, follow x and y instruction” ones because it is so so normal for them to just want to explore & play. We go to an outdoor forest school style playgroup which is amazing and worth a look to see you if you have one nearby, we are National Trust members and go there regularly and she loves walking, looking for flowers/sticks/rocks, she loves swimming, it’s just about figuring out what actually works for you :)

Too much going on, follow his lead. Get him a little climbing frame or pickler triangle and slide or something and let him jump around to his hearts content. You’re putting too much pressure on yourself and he potentially is feeling it too! Sounds like you’re a really motivated parent though :)

Is that where he should be at by is 2 year check? That’s another 20% of his life away. Throwing hames, start with balloons for catching or use bean bags into containers. Scooting around the block.

I had a child who potty trained herself by 22 months, advanced vocab, started school being able to read but now she is 10 yrs and hasn’t been in school at all this year. Having an advanced child isn’t always a blessing. You want a child who is happy and is meeting his mile stones.

If you want activities where you can also meet other mums and chat can you find a toddler group in your area? Less structured and a great way of finding out what toys your little one might like.

I don't have any advice but I wanted to assure you that going to nursery wouldn't have necessarily changed anything.

My DS1 has been at nursery since he was 1.

I am only just now at 27 months starting to get him to be able to engage in some things. But even now he still prefers to climb and throw and destroy everything! And his speech is in my opinion not where it should be although it is improving slowly and nursery have no concerns with his speech.

All kids develop at their own pace is what I am realising and some are also just a bit more wild! It doesn't mean you are doing anything wrong.

Also we have recently tried potty training with DS1. To say it was a disaster was an understatement and I now have a toddler who is terrified I am going to take his nappy off and not put it back on. So don't feel pressured or rushed to do it. Sometimes they just aren't ready.

He sounds very normal for his age.

I had the same panic around that age with my eldest and I think in hindsight it’s because we’d started a few new classes that were 18 months and up and I was forgetting he was the one of the youngest in the class and comparing him to 2 and 2.5 year old.
He’s only just turned two now and the change in him between now and the four months ago is massive. It’s still a complete lottery whether he’ll join in with things or run riot though 😅

I suspect a strong degree of bullshittery in the antenatal group or competitive helicopter parenting in the antenatal group chat

I’m just thinking back to my LO being this age and there was a lot of just pottering in the garden throwing small pebbles into the corner, watering things, playing in her toy car, and just letting her play by herself with her toys, she was starting to get into stacking/blocks too. Church hall style playgroups are a godsend at this age. If you’re near a children’s centre/hub type place ask them for suggestions on groups.

She’s 2.5 now and I’m only just picturing her at classes, we tried one or two but she just wasn’t the right age to want to do what the other kids were doing etc.

Your little boy sounds lovely and normal.

How about getting him something like this ? They sell it on Amazon under Montessori climbing frame or toddler climbing frame.
https://www.instagram.com/reel/DXpPiXMzDC0/?igsh=bmlzeG1oODRubjdl

I totally get it, and I've definitely had those moments, too. Like all stages of baby and toddler hood, all the things that seem like issues right now will soon disappear, to be replaced by something else. I've definitely thought my kid was behind in certain areas at times. But he was just doing things on his own schedule!

And when the developmental leaps come, they really come!

I actually think curousity about the world, sensory seeking and wanting to get into everything is showing that your toddler has a really active brain! He's noticing everything, experimenting like a little scientist ("what will happen if I throw this rock?") putting his focus into mastering those physical milestones. And all of those developmental things are related, so even if you don't see progress in focus or language or whatever, it's happening under the surface somewhere.

While I would love it if he took an interest in letters, numbers etc... it's not like he's gonna get to 12 without being able to read.

In the meantime, I see a lot of organized sports in my son's future to satisfy the thrill- and chaos-seeking side of his personality. Boys are crazy! (girls can also be crazy, I know, lol)

I think the only place you’re going wrong is with your expectations!! Maybe because you’re keeping company with competitive exaggerators. You might get the odd child pushing ahead in 1 area but generally speaking 20 month olds do not speak in full sentences, count to 10, know the alphabet and use the toilet. There will be plenty of other DC like your little boy, however, you probably haven’t met them yet as they stay away from structured classes because they know they won’t suit their child.