Where am I going wrong with my toddler ?!

[Beachbooks]

My little boy is 20 months old and I don’t feel like I’m doing a very good job with him at the moment.

I take him to various classes every week (e.g toddler football, music ) but he rarely engages in it and just runs around and messes about trying to climb up onto chairs etc.

I set up activities for him at home, similar to what he would be doing if he went to nursery. This week I did frozen paint, a block of ice with his toys frozen in for him to melt & fishing Pom Poms out of a bowl of water. He wasn’t interested in any of it, didn’t even want to sit in his paddling pool which he used to love. Instead just kept throwing rocks around even though I repeatedly told him no as it was dangerous.

I rotate his toys around each week but he’s more interested in jumping all over my sofa / emptying cupboards.

All our antenatal group are well on their way with potty training, are way ahead with their speech, can sit and play nicely & some of them are even counting to 10 and saying their alphabet. My boy isn’t doing any of that.

We didn’t send him to nursery as we aren’t eligible for the 30 free hours and it just wasn’t financially viable for me to go to work by the time I’d paid out for a train fare as well but I’m wondering if that was a mistake. It just seems like there is something I’m not getting right with him in terms of his behaviour & also learning.

Does anyone have any advice please ?

Play should be child led. It’s great that you come up with all these ideas for him but if he isn’t interested then leave them. Let him choose and engage in what he is doing. If that’s something dangerous or objectively negative, you tell him to stop and redirect. If he continues you remove him from situation. When he throws a tantrum, ignore it but stay close by him. Don’t try to engage with him during a tantrum – it’s pointless.

Give him heaps of OTT praise for any desirable behaviour whatsoever and no attention for undesirable behaviour.

I have four boys. My eldest could not have been less interested in sensory play etc when he was this age. He would play for a few min and then lose interest. I potty trained him just after he was three. He’s only ever had a handful of accidents and cracked it immediately. Now he’s older he quite likes sensory play but he’s not one for doing a craft or a structured activity. Structured classes with him were stressful and he would only engage with the bits he liked. He didn’t start nursery until after 4 and I don’t think nursery made much difference. It was more as he’s grown up he’s changed. My second and third are quite different from him (fourth is a baby so too early to tell) so a lot of it is just their individual personalities.

My advice would be:

Go to free flow activities. Soft play, role play cafes. Those sort of places.

If you want to keep the structured classes keep your expectations very low, only go if you are genuinely unbothered about how much he joins in.

Get him outside a lot. Walks, puddle splashing in the winter, see if there’s a forest school toddler group nearby.

Church hall type playgroups are your friend.

If you do crafty activities, let him lead. Encourage mark making of any kind, let him paint but just enjoy splodging the paint about however he likes. That kind of thing.

Keep sensory activities low key and simple. Water and some bowls and jugs. Sand and some buckets. Pour cereal in a tray and let him drive toy trucks over it.

Have a potty in the bathroom and encourage sitting at opportune moments, such as in the morning, before the bath, when you go for a wee. Other than that, don’t stress it. 20 months is very early
to be completely accident free.

He’s not even 2 years old!! Of course he’s just running around at activities! That’s wha toddlers do.
Structured activities are generally pointless for kids under 4. Maybe good for a bit of socialising and staring to get them aware of following instructions and sticking at short activities. Your child sounds totally normal for his age.
Others are right, watch what he does engage in and work with that. The suggestion of redirecting dangerous behaviour into more productive or positive things is excellent.
I would stop wasting money on classes if they’re stressing you out.
and I very much doubt all his peers are cracking on with potty training. I don’t know of any kids out of nappies before 2. And I know a lot of kids.

Are there any free play sessions in your area, rather than classes? I find a church playgroup or council-run stay and play much better because my toddler can just charge around if she wants. I leave the more structured classes feeling really flat after endlessly saying 'no'. Try and go to places where you don't have to say no as much!

I would try and harness some of his energy in a way that makes him feel helpful. Sounds like he would love digging a hole in the garden or throwing clothes into the laundry machine.

My toddler is 21 months. He is doing 3 word sentences, plays independently with toys and knows all his shapes and colours. BUT put him in a soft play and he freaks. Introduce him to someone new and he goes mute. Take him somewhere where he’s not been before and he clings to my leg. He is getting much better but they are all so so different!

I also have a 20 month old and potty training hadn’t even crossed my mind. She does have a lot of words but honestly we haven’t done anything deliberate to help it. She does go to nursery 3 days though. I know plenty of kids the same age who have no words. I think you need to adjust your expectations and follow his lead. What about a free play Toddler group so you can have some adult chat but not structured like a class? Soft play? Swimming? Playground? Im not sure what you mean by ‘playing nicely’ but maybe just reframe your thinking around that. Some kids do naturally want to sit and do things on her own, and some needs lots of input and movement. I honestly would mute your NCT WhatsApp if it’s distracting you like this. And take what they say with a pinch of salt. I never do any planned activities at home - she just helps herself to toys, or empties cupboards, or messes around outside. You need to leave them to entertain themselves

I think some, if not all, of the parents in your group are exaggerating! Your DS is only 20 months old. As pp, get him toys that he can throw safely, a climbing frame, and other toys to aid his physical development, so that he can excell at what he is good at. Remember that child development isn't linear it stops and starts at different times for different children. I agree that a stay &play group would be more use to both of you than a 'class'.
He is far too young to be playing any type of organised sport like football and if he prefers to run around, over sitting down to.play, let him
Forest school playgroup sounds great.

He sounds totally normal. I only know one child who potty trained before they turned 2, and I know a lot of children! I think you need to try to go with the flow. He’s just a tiny child.

Are you hanging out with other parents and children, making mum friends etc? That might help you feel more stimulated and less focused on his development.

My ds is now nearly 3 and similar to what you describe. When I took him to classes he was the only one not engaging..his speech was slower than others. He has developed alot since then, is saying alot more. Your ds is not even 2 so when it comes to speech please dont.worry. I stopped taking mine to them classes and take him to soft okay and to the beach etc.he is doing fine..also potty training honestly 20m is way to early for alot of toddlers.. don't worry, lean it to what he wants to do..maybe get hima frisbee or a ball etc..arrange active play dates. He sounds fine to me and obviously has a loving mum x

Everyone is making lots of suggestions, just wanted to add that I had a very active, wild toddler son who would never sit nicely and sing (charging through puddles was more his thing). He's now a gentle and generous 5 yo who is good at reading and maths ☺️

Do you have an Airhop or Flip Out trampoline park nearby? Or something similar? They often do Toddler Takeover sessions. My boy loves them and always wants to go to trampolines. (This is actually easier to go to before being potty trained). It burns off loads of energy.
Ours wasn't potty trained until 3 following almost a year of trying. They all do things in their own time.

I stopped taking my son to structured classes just before that age, it was stressful trying to get him to listen to stories and sit on my knee. He just wanted to be free to explore so I switched to taking him places where he was contained but could ultimately just be free. We went to gymnastics drop in sessions, science museum with a play area, art gallery play area, softplay, a forest, the beach. I just followed him around and kept him safe but he could just explore :)

For the home activities they're probably a bit too structured too. Just give him a bowl/tray of pasta/dry cereal/oats/water, some cups/bowls/spoons and just let him explore however he wants. Get a sand/water table for the garden with some toys to explore with too and some balls to throw!

I wouldn't worry about what the antenatal class kids are doing, there's plenty of time for all that yet. It would be pretty early to potty train and for numbers and things just incorporate them into your day and he'll learn them. Talk about what you see out and about, name numbers when you see them, count things out for him, it'll all come with time.

I’m a SAHM to a 2 year old boy and we do a stay and play group in the morning and playground / running around a park / library in the afternoon. Most of his day is physical and his play is self directed. I think it’s really good for them to be able to explore freely at this age. It means I can save instructions for the times we really need them (meal times, getting ready etc).

Thank you for all the suggestions everyone.

I think PP are right about having to parent the child you have, not the one you want. I just had such a clear idea of how I wanted to be as a mum but it clearly doesn’t align with my son’s personality.

We did used to go to playgroups but they were just full of cliquey childminders who ignored their children and the toys were all grubby. But I suppose it’s about him not me and I’ll just have to park trying to meet other mums for now.

@ThatMintMember he has a sand and water table but just throws the sand all over the garden so I’ve had to take it away as my husband was getting cross about it.

The water part of it is just a tray of water and he’s bored of it now. It was a gift and tbh i would have chosen one that had more features to it.

Genuinely I think this is one of the hardest things about being a parent OP! Accepting that there are some things about your child that you can't change or control.

Awww OP you’re not doing anything wrong. But rather than try to get him to develop new interests why not use the interests he already has to help him learn? Empty those cupboards with him, and count the items as you do it. Don’t ask him to copy or make it pressured, let him do it naturally. Throw things with him and say ‘splash!’ ‘One, two, three, go’ and things like that. Make lots of eye contact and share the excitement.

Connection happens first and the learning after.

We have 2 boys - the elder was great at joining in with classes, doing the right actions, following the leaders instructions. The younger one (at the same age) couldn’t be less interested in doing what he’s told. He likes breaking things, throwing things and shouting, mainly 😂

they’re all different 🤷‍♀️

Go to the classes if you like them (as long as he’s not inconveniencing anybody) just let him do his own thing. My OH takes ours to gymnastics (he’s 2.5) and while all the toddlers and patents (including my OH) are doing the warm up, DS is wondering off, climbing on things. He joins in with bits and pieces but he still has fun. My OH just lets him get on with it and everyone has a nice time.

Ah my son went through that phase of throwing the sand around too and dumping it in all my plants! I have to say I preferred water in it for a while, he still plays with it now he's almost 4. I've just added bits to keep it interesting, water bottles, boats, and jugs, funnels and pippettes most recently. He's also got a water wall which you could add in future and a slide too.

You need to stop trying to imitate nursery at home, taking him to structured classes, and comparing him to other kids. Just enjoy him for who he is.

I tried the classes with mine when he was younger and it was immediately obvious he hated them. I scrapped them immediately. Some kids don’t take to structured activities until they’re school aged. If he wants to throw stones then do what I did (still do!) with my 5 year old. Take him to the woods or beach and throw stones together in the stream/ocean.

These are the things I’ve always done with my son:

Walks in the woods/on the beach
Overnight camping and building campfires
Cycling (balance bike at 2, pedals at 4)
Swimming
Parks
Nature hunts

Stop trying to do what you think he should be doing and do what he wants to be doing.

Additionally, I really disagree with toy rotations. I think if you’re needing to rotate toys you have too many. He’s not even 2. You can’t go wrong with a box of magnet tiles, maybe a bit of duplo, a few vehicles/train tracks, some little people and animals, some teddies, and a ball. I personally think constantly refreshing toys cannot be good for kids’ developing brains. They’re always waiting for/expecting the next thing. With a few open-ended toys they can actually learn to use their imagination and play, not just investigate a revolving door of toys.

OP I worried myself silly comparing DD to other kids. She didn’t say a word until gone 2, wouldn't even try to repeat noises I’d made let alone say anything close to a word. Now 4 and a very confident chatterbox with a vocabulary that blows my mind. Now I know her better, she has a tendency not to do things until she thinks she’ll do them well. Walked late, but when she did she just got up and did it properly and barely fell over. Talked really late to the point nursery were about to refer her to SALT, then in the space of a week was saying sentences out of nowhere. Wouldn’t engage at all with swimming lessons and we were going to quit as thought it was pointless, one day she suddenly swims underwater with goggles to pick up sinkies from the bottom. Won’t pick up a pencil to do any mark marking like other kids, won’t join dots or try to copy pictures…randomly one day writes her name. Drives me mad as I’m such an overthinker and a worrier but I’m trying to stop worrying about milestones and just enjoy things more as she’s a happy little thing she just doesn’t do what the books/internet says she should be doing at any given point in time 😂

OP you sound like a lovely mum. And it seems like you’ve really taken on board what people are saying. Your little boy is lucky to have you and you should be super proud of yourself because it sounds like you’re doing amazingly ❤️
I can only echo what everyone else has said - don’t worry about it! He sounds totally fine. All kids are different. My 2yo didn’t do any of the things you list at 20 months - she’s only recently started sitting down for 10 minutes of singing/stories at the playgroups we go to and she’s 2yrs 3 months. At 20 months she just wanted to be out and about and on the go - a structured group would have been pointless as there’s no way she would have engaged. We went for a LOT of walks 😅 it sounds like free play groups would be better for him, even if the toys are a bit grubby 😆 and for the social side for you - maybe some buggy walks? Mine would concede to sit in the buggy as long as we were moving and there was plenty to look at - it might be a good way of making some friends that can come along to the scabby playgroups with you 😂

Sorry but either the children who are “sitting nicely” and counting to ten are geniuses or the parents are bullshitters!

You sound like a lovely mum setting up all those activities! My nearly two year old wouldn’t do any of them either though. I find the best thing for this age is a wide open space to run around. Beach/park/woods/field/unstructured playgroup, let them roam then they entertain themselves. At the moment peak entertainment for my daughter is the garden hose and a bucket of water!

You've got a child like mine.
Park, woods, beach, soft play, swimming.
You could probably get hin on a balance bike pretty soon.

I spent hours chucking soft balls tound the garden, and getting him to collect the red ones into a bucket, the blue ones into the cat bed... you get the idea.

Bucket of water and a BIG paintbrush. Paint the patio / fence.

Cooking was sucesful - but probably because of the food element. He can chop mushrooms snd bananas with a table knife - we ended up with lots of those items in meals. Also let him wash up - the clean Tupperware!!!!

He didnt have 10 words at 2y, let alone count to 10. He's just come top of the year in Alevel further maths mocks. Were expecting a mix of A* and A for his 4 Alevels.

He'll be grand. Just don't expect beautiful paintings!!! You might get away with scissors cutting up stuff.

Couldn't read and run @Beachbooks
I have a girl and a boy.
If you're comparing your toddler boy to toddler girls, please stop 😅 they can often be (not always) wildly different at this age
I would stop the structured classes and take him to parks, forests, beaches, softplays and play groups that are free play.
20 months is young for potty training and also for knowing the alphabet etc so I wouldn't worry about those things.
I'd get him a scooter and balance bike if you haven't already.
And some fun toys/outdoor games that involve throwing but in a safe way