School refusal

[HonestPinkDeer]

Hi all. I am a single Mum navigating a very difficult situation. I waa looking to see if there were any other Mums in the same situation. Its a very long story but my son whos 11 isnt in school and js being home educated by me which isnt going very well. Ive put through for an ehcp looking to see if he has needs. He has a move up day tomorrkw for his new secondary school in september which hes refusing to go to. Its so hard isolating and lonely. I keeo fweling ive failed as a parrent. Its making me feel like not trying anymore.

That sounds difficult for you.
There is an SEN board here on MN with some very helpful posters.

Why is he saying he is refusing to go?

(My own DD missed all of y11 and got an EHCP in y12 due to MH and learning issues.)

His brother now lives with dad me ex took him away from me. He also got bullied badly in school. Thank you

Sounds like he needs some counselling?
Are you on a very long CAMHS waiting list?
You may need to speak to the secondary school transition lead and/or SENCO.

Ive already done all of that im worried about tomorrow i know he wont go

Why is he saying he won't go?

His reasons impact how to deal with it.

Are the school aware that he is home schooled because he refused to attend primary school? Have they offered any support or advice? If he misses a settling in day then it’s not the end of the world so maybe take the pressure off yourself and him but I would spend the next 4 weeks that they will still be open hassling them a bit in terms of what will help your son to get there in September. It sounds like home life is tough so do you think it’s that or there is SEN at play?

Im not sharing that on here its private

If you use the quote thing to respond to people’s posts it makes more sense.

Why did you take him out of school? If you had kept him in then you would have had support from the school to get him to attend.
What does his home schooling curriculum look like or have you just allowed him to stay off school and then somehow thought he would just go back when you wanted him to?

Well if you won’t share then people cannot help you! I’m sorry, it does sound tough but if you want advice you need to give more information. There will be plenty of people who can then help you.

No im not sharing eveything because of harrasment. Im proecting me and my child!!!

I can share as much as I'd like too!

This time last year, my daughter was very anxious about going to secondary and missed both the main moving up day and the special day that the school laid on for children the primary schools had identified as needing extra help with the transition.

The secondary SENDCO, an amazing woman, therefore laid on a transition afternoon just for my daughter - walking her round with me, introducing her to all the rooms where she’d be learning and some of the staff. We’d been told we could ask any questions and my daughter had written a list that I read out for her (it was too much for her to speak to the staff). The SENDCO then suggested various simple accommodations, which were all hugely helpful and we agreed to later in writing.

My daughter is now completing her Year 7 there and it’s been pretty good - she’s doing well academically, has a lovely group of friends and is excelling in sport. She’s also much calmer than she was at the end of Y6.

Missing tomorrow is a sign your child needs extra help with the transition to secondary - not that it’s impossible. Reach out to the SENDCO team there and ask for their help. I sincerely hope they’re as supportive as our one was.

Wow teehee what an unhelpful comment!!! You dont know the entire situation! I DID NOT want to pull my child out of school! I do not want it to be this way but unforuntalty it is as i cannot physically force my child into school! Home schooling was temporay until he starts school this year im September.
I can"t belive I am writing this on here but if noone has nothing kind and warm to say then please do not comment. Of course i knew getting him back in would be a challenge but im putting my sons well being first. His dad is emotionally abusive whos already broke into my home and I will not share everything on here to keep myself safe and my child. If anyone has a problem with that then its your problem not mine! I am looking for support not judgement! I have done my absolute best and engaged with all the correct people whilst dealing with my own health problems and mental health and also working full time. I am now working part time so i can support my child with home schooling!!! If anyone sends a horrible message i will be blocking them. I dont deserve that. I am a single mum doing my absolute best!

REDB99 the comment above was a reply to your comment

Reach out to the new school - they may be able to help with strategies, perhaps a part time start or an outreach school

You need to be open and honest with the school about your son's lived experiences. It sounds like he had experienced DV from his Dad to you which could be having a very big impact on his reluctance to leave you/home to attend school. If that is the case it's very relevant and will help the school to understand his needs.
You don't need to share every intimate detail with them, just an outline so they are aware.
They can do additional transition events with him like the hugely successful one a PP described above.
What's he been doing with you since he's been out of school, ie what learning has he been doing? Have you had any support from your local council's Elective Home Education team? Have you had support from your local Early Help team? You don't have to share anything on here that you don't want to but please be open with the school so they can help.

Hi OP, Have you any support?
if your child is autistic lets say, there will be something in him kind of dictating why he’s not going to school, I have a SeN year 6 child so I know that has been through EBSA.

get in touch with the new school explain the situation - they might be able to give you some ideas to support the transition. Perhaps if your child can’t tell you what’s going on maybe write a few things on a piece of paper so he can pick the top ten things most important to him about his move to secondary school. This is a highly anxious time esp for SEN kids. Are any of his friends going to the school? Does he talk to them? Game with them? Who is supporting you with the EHCP process?

Fine but you haven’t said what his home schooling curriculum is. What have you been teaching him and how has this prepared him for secondary school? Did he take his Y6 SATs for example? Have you ensured he has the knowledge he needs to access the KS3 curriculum?
You can’t just choose to home educate without taking into account how you’re going to ensure your child keeps up with the curriculum.

Honestly there is nothing i havnt done. The school know all about it and ive applied for an ehcp reached out to sendco etc hes had adidtional transtion days which he wont attend ive booked him councilling he wont go. He did say a long while ago our house is his safe space. Askef them for part time table they said no i just feel theres no solution and he will never return to school which is a big worry

None of your business red!

What is it you’re looking for from people on here? You seem very unhappy with the responses, some of which are from parents who’ve been through similar struggles. They’re trying to help you and your son. You can’t block people on here and it’s an open forum used by millions of users across the world so you’ll always get a mix of replies. Maybe you’d find a closed Facebook group more useful. Hopefully someone can suggest one.

Right, that for example is just very rude. She’s trying to help you and you’re being very combative.

Ok OP, then just stop. Don’t panic. Just run with it for a bit. He doesn’t attend, he doesn’t attend. He’s enrolled. You’re going for an EHCP. Perhaps he needs time. Sounds like his nervous system is in over drive, and for now it’s best not to push school. He will want to learn it may just be a journey as you work out how. I’ve been through it - still going through it, I know things may well unravel as my daughter moves to secondary. It is worth joining local and national SEN pages. Perhaps it’s time just to put school on hold for a bit. It’s not forever it’s for now.