How do other parents cope with these feelings

[newmummy1985]

After a long battle with infertility (years and years and years of pain) we have finally been blessed with a baby boy who is now 12 weeks old. We are unlikely to ever be able to conceive again and this baby really is our miracle.

I love him so much. Every single little thing. The way he smells, his soft hair, his milky breath, the little fat creases on his arms, the ways his eyes slowly drift shut as he suckles to sleep, how his little chubby hand grabs my finger. All of him. He is perfect in every single way.

I am so happy. The happiest I’ve ever been in life.

Here’s the thing. More and more I find myself just wishing I could pause time and live my life in this perfect stage of life. The time is going so quickly and it terrifies me to a point I’m not sure is healthy. I already look back daily on pictures of my baby at younger stages. It feels as though each day I celebrate, however at the same time I celebrate my gorgeous boy and how lucky I am, I grieve the loss of previous days/stages/events at the same time.

I have become obsessed with taking pictures, videos and notes so I remember all the details of him at each stage. I’m worried this is becoming an unhealthy obsession because it’s fuelled by worry and panic of time passing. I think it’s also amplified by the fact I naturally have a bad memory.

I’m not sure what I’m asking other than, is this grief and fear something other parents feel? How do you manage this?

I think the thing to remember is, each phase has its lovely parts. My dc are now 14-18 and I just love hanging with them. They are awesome (although apparently they’re hot so hiding inside today 🙄).

I’ve loved every part. The toddler stage was so so funny and cute. But, I’ve loved it all and wouldn’t go back to baby stage now if you paid me. Bil had a son age 40… I had ours age 26 and 29. I’m now 44 and nephew is fab but we’re very happy we’re not at that stage. It’s all great so don’t worry about baby stage going because the next stage is fun too.

I’m slightly nervous re dd 18 because I’ll miss her at uni but it’s been an honour to be her parent and my job to let her go and sit back as her safety net if she needs it.

That was very mushy so I feel I need to add some reality. sometimes they are arseholes too.

Be super gentle with yourself. The post birth hormones are a real rollercoaster.

Sometimes, when you actually get what you really wanted and worked for, it can take some time to adjust to having and enjoying (in this case your beautiful baby son who will be wanting to show you all the stuff he is learning to do).

The main thing to remind yourself is that they're still them, and each stage you are discovering something new about them. So try and see time passing as gain, not loss.

Exactly this. DS is 14 now, and a melodramatic hormonal maniac, and also utterly gorgeous, funny, clever, and fabulous company. I’d say you have all the best bits still to come.

Also, you’re riding high on a cocktail of post-birth hormonal changes, adrenaline and oxytocin. Cut yourself a lot of slack. And don’t panic about anything. That’s the one piece of advice I’d like to reach backwards through time to my new mother self with.

I’ve heard this before. An ex had a child through IVF, his only child. He said you do start out kinda obsessed, but it wears off - probably around the same time they stop being cute lumps of babiness and start throwing your lovingly cooked food on the floor!
You don’t want to smother the child, if it comes to the point you don’t let anyone hold him or you can’t sleep as want to make sure he’s breathing 30 times a night you need some outside counselling.

I remember feeling very similarly, when mine was tiny - after a long IVF journey as well. It did pass and I think hormones have a big role here. I still sometimes feel a
bit sad about the passing of time but just try and remind
myself of the lovely moments still ahead!

Thank you. The nice replies on here are actually making me a bit teary so maybe there are still post birth hormones at play!

I absolutely love this.. thank you.

If he’s only 12 weeks, there absolutely are. Plus, you’re three months in to a completely different kind of life which feels very all-encompassing and often involves very little sleep. Which one day you will be telling your son about! I was talking to my giant teenager the other day (after he’d slept very badly) about how, when he was a newborn, I had hallucinations from lack of sleep — I thought the shadows on the floorboards were talking to me.

Can totally understand although feel like I hit this stage (for various reasons) around 12months when I went back to work...
I constantly say "this age/stage is my favourite" 😭😅

Like you I had my one and only miracle ivf baby and I’ve loved every second of being a mum from birth to where we are now at almost 19. And unlike @TeenLifeMumI can honestly say my DD has never been ‘an arsehole’!

It sounds like you’re doing a wonderful job of appreciating your miracle. Just try to enjoy every day and every stage. Live in the moment and enjoy it rather than documenting it. I’m sure I’ve forgotten loads but what sticks is the bond. It’s not something you can photograph but it lasts a lifetime if you work hard to be the mum your child needs at each stage.

It’s so amazing watching them grow up; watching them discover things for the first time, seeing the world afresh through their eyes.
It is incredible when they get better than you at things… DD is better than me at dancing, playing the drums and crocheting at 10 years old. DS is better than me at acting, maths, public speaking and running at 13 years old. The things they can teach me gets longer every day, and I love that.

Don't nibble bottoms arms or thighs to hard. A nibble.

As somebody who has also experienced a lot of years of loss and pain before my rainbow. I just want to say you’re not alone and it’s completely normal you want to remember everything. Enjoy all the precious moments, it goes so quickly.

Oh yes, I remember sobbing to DH when DD2 was about 4 weeks old that we’d never have a baby this small again. Funny thing is, I hate the baby stage! Much prefer them once they reach 6 months.

But yes, I know what you mean. DD2 is now 4 and things like her funny mispronunciations of words that I know one day she’ll say right and we’ll never hear the cute “her” version again make me a bit teary if I think about it too much.
But equally, there’s all the fun and new and different we get to experience as they get older.

I’m overwhelmed with all the nice comments. Thank you all. I’m about to go to sleep due to being up last night a lot with baby as DH is having him for a few hours whilst I sleep but will reply properly tomorrow.

Completely agree with you !!
I had an IVF / ICSi miracle and just couldn’t take my eyes off her at first as I was so utterly amazed and fulfilled and as time
creeped on the next challenge was the acceptance that she would be my only one,
and eventually with time I was able to overcome that sadness and longing,
and then the teenage years came, and was an emotional rollercoaster and the expense of a teenager is quite scary !!
enjoy it, take your photos and videos and that will ease, but you have so many years ahead with so many stories to come, go with it -
enjoy !!

Every age has its joys OP, and you won't want to miss out on any of them, so you will eventually want your ds to move on, to see the satisfaction on his little face when he realises he can crawl. When he discovers throwing food or saying his first words. 😊

My ds is 17 now, 6'2" and just finished a'levels. I've been with him through the stresses of gcses, the challenges of 6th form, the prom, the first job, the planning for him to move to uni in September.

It's been brilliant and there is still so much to look forward to. He'll discover his independence, a first girlfriend, first holiday with his mates, finals, a first career job, a first house or flat.

I hope you have as much fun as I have had.

So your dc has never shouted at you? Or had a strop? I have 3 dd including twins and they are 99% amazing but they’ve each had moments. Dd2 used to bite her twin sister -not a reflection of my parenting so no need for the smug put down.

My youngest is 9 months and my last. I had pregnancy complications that made me really unwell and there's a 90% chance of them happening in future pregnancies.
I do feel a bit sad at times that he's growing and not my tiny baby any more. I was so thrilled for him to be finally here - two miscarriages before hand and acutely unwell I was counting down the hours for his arrival. These thoughts mostly crop up when he's grown without much other development.
I miss those tiny newborn cuddles where I could carry him in my hand but I love his massive beaming smile and if he stayed that tiny little thing I wouldn't have that. I miss the little yawns and contented sighs, the scrunched up little balls of newborn loveliness but also I love him crawling and following me around the house as I'm his favourite person and no matter what toys I leave him with he would much rather be sat at my feet.

I feel blessed, I didn't get this with my daughter. She was high needs and I was firmly in survival mode. The days I feel nostalgic for the day a few months earlier when I had the tiny baby I think, maybe today I'm doing ok.

12 weeks is a tough stage as in many ways they are just a bigger newborn but give it another 8 weeks and they will be moving and doing more. You will see more of their personality and who they are.

Every Christmas we do a photo book of pictures taken in the last year and find putting it together really positive and reflective. It's funny that the photos that felt like favourites when I took them aren't always the favourites at the end of the year. The half caught moments mean more than the perfect pose.

Congratulations on your miracle baby OP!

I don’t think you’re mad at all. I totally get it. I think I’m pretty well adjusted and hold down a professional job, but I still look back at old photos of my three (5, 3 and 1) at the end of most days and I feel emotional if I let myself thing too much about time passing. I love being their mum so much. Sometimes they are bonkers, but honestly each stage is new and lovely in its own way.

Becoming a parent (and I think specifically a mother) creates feelings inside you of an intensity you couldn't have imagined before. I think you're very new to it all, your body and brain are adjusting to the change and your hormones will still be all over the place. It can do some mad things to you. I look back on the first few months of both my children's lives and I definitely went a bit mad about certain things on each occasion...like irrationally worried about stuff. Not saying you're irrational, I just mean it's mad what hormones do.

Anyway it sounds lovely, that you're feeling so happy. Honestly though they get so much better! I couldn't have imagined it. I have a 4 and 2 year old now and they make me laugh and bring me joy on a level that way surpasses those early weeks and months. As precious as those early days are, just wait for what's to come...it's wonderful. But I do still look at them and wonder where my babies went!