Perspective on sahp situation

[Homebird74]

Looking for perspective. I've hit 40s and lost my sense of purpose and confidence.

After our last child, I left work for various reasons- we discussed it and it was a logical step both in terms of finances and logistics. I worked ad hoc for a local company (low pay,just to get out). That ended and I had a casual look at part time jobs. It's like I've emerged from a bubble and (shock horror) everyone I know from my pre kids life is now a high flier, while I'm 'just' a parent. This is very much have your cake and eat it too- However I now reprimand myself for lack of career foresight. My specific work experience now feels useless (very niche, not a 'field').

Current work options are limited and involve min wage. If I liked, or at least didn't mind the work, I'd gladly do it, however those I've tried have added to my feeling of failure and anxiety (despite treatment) and it seems vaguely pointless if it's not helping my MH.

Partner is incredibly supportive. There is plenty of ways for me to add value to our family at home, outside of conventional employment.

Part of me feels there is something 'wrong', that I am lazy and have no value. That I should think of a worthwhile sector in which I'd like to retrain. The other part feels the reverse- that it may be I'm burnt out and do enough already at home. That retraining would be a vanity project to make myself feel better, and that the time and cost involved is counterproductive if I don't have a passion to do it. I was previously happy in my life and wonder if I feel like this because I feel in a different situation to most.

Finances, pension, home ownership are fine and we are married.

As I say, looking for perspective.

Do you think there is a chance of extra things going on for your eldest? Potentially nurodiverse? Or just a tough transition stage perhaps.

For me untill we finally got my middle one diagnosed as audhd i felt so lazy/not enough for not having some big career. It was hard before diagnosis to explain why both parents working out of the home just was impossible in a tangible way that other people could understand. I felt it was me not being enough doing enough.

My mum always worked ft. I'm a sahm so not following mum's path. I think it's more about having a choice. I've got a degree, I'm educated and intelligent and I think that I'm setting a good example for my kids by showing them they are the most important to me (and dh provides financially so it's possible). Work on your selfesteem ; you are not defined by the work you do but by the person you are.

“Finances, pension, home ownership are fine and we are married.”

OP, if you are happy at home, then don’t fret about not going to work. My adult DD said the other day that she thought they were “very privileged” to have had me as a SAHM: I didn’t go back ti work until my marriage broke down. As a result of that, though, another DD said that she was “never going to be financially dependent on someone else” - so it is partly a matter of security. If your marriage is rock solid, don’t give going to work another thought - I’m sure your family are happy to have you at home and available should they need you, if one of them is unwell, for instance - it’s what YOU want, OP. The feeling of being worthless because you are economically inactive is in your head - I think many mothers would very much prefer to be able to stay at home and be there with their DC, rather than having to arrange wrap-around care and holiday clubs, and essentially only see their DC at the weekends.
(Edited for typos)

For some reason I'd assumed your children were grown. A sahm is still so so valuable at this stage.

Do you worry your DH is showing them they're not important to him though?

I agree with the self esteem point, work is not the be all and end all. My DH is a SAHD to school age children. He could get a low paid job (and if he wanted to for his own reasons I'd be totally supportive) but at the moment I don't think the extra money would be worth the disruption.

@MightyGoldBearquite possibly. We did wonder about adhd, but watching his friends made me think they're all hard work!

I very much “work to live” I earn a decent wage but I have no interest in progressing any further in my career, I don’t want the kind of job that affects my home life or would mean I have to work extra on evenings and weekends.
I worked part time when DC were younger and it was great. I wouldn’t change a thing looking back

They know that thanks to dad working hard they get to have a present mum so it's def a team effort.

What would the future look like if your partner couldn’t work anymore? In your 40s, unfortunately, you are hitting the years when health issues start to pop up. I was diagnosed with cancer at 43. It’s now likely something I’ll live with forever, or at least as long as I do live. 2 years later, I’ve not been able to return to work and if I do work again, it’s unlikely I’ll ever be well enough to work more than PT.

I did have a Big Job, but Dh still out earned me by about 3x. We can survive on his income. If tables had been turned, even with my Big Job, we’d have been screwed and would have probably lost our house. If your partner suddenly next week couldn’t work anymore, what would you do? There are no guarantees and life can change very quickly. For me, it was a matter of weeks from just getting on with life to surgery and hospitals and life being turned upside down. It’s all well and good wanting to find yourself again, but from a really practical standpoint, how would you survive if you suddenly were the only earner? You need to have a plan because life can go tits up very quickly.

Volunteering, working for a charity doing admin (paid but low) working with the elderly eg my friend is a entertainment coordinator for 3 care homes…

I'm a sahm of school-aged dcs, and I think it doesn't suit everyone. I'm also in a situation where there's no financial need for me to return to work and really, the only reason I would is for the status of having a career. But I'm not very sociable and don't get hung up on what others think of me, or setting a working example to my dcs. But it sounds like it's important to you, and if it is then that's a good enough reason to go back to work.

Financially I have been contributing to the household as I manage our investments, and that's more than covered an additional wage coming in. I have a creative practice which gives me a sense of purpose and achievement, probably more than most jobs would. So the financial security and fulfillment side of things are covered.

I don't do volunteering as I have tried it in the past and it has had the worst aspects of office politics combined with a low status!

I've enjoyed studying at various levels and that's been enjoyable and fulfilling. But I don't want to use it to get a job with fixed hours, because I'd find it inconvenient with all the extracurriculars and school holidays that I cover, and to have to request AL to be able to do family holidays or sports days etc.
Realistically my dcs wouldn't be able to do the variety of activities they do without me. So it's worth thinking about the opportunity cost of being at work and the things you wouldn't be able to do if you went back.