Perspective on sahp situation

[Homebird74]

Looking for perspective. I've hit 40s and lost my sense of purpose and confidence.

After our last child, I left work for various reasons- we discussed it and it was a logical step both in terms of finances and logistics. I worked ad hoc for a local company (low pay,just to get out). That ended and I had a casual look at part time jobs. It's like I've emerged from a bubble and (shock horror) everyone I know from my pre kids life is now a high flier, while I'm 'just' a parent. This is very much have your cake and eat it too- However I now reprimand myself for lack of career foresight. My specific work experience now feels useless (very niche, not a 'field').

Current work options are limited and involve min wage. If I liked, or at least didn't mind the work, I'd gladly do it, however those I've tried have added to my feeling of failure and anxiety (despite treatment) and it seems vaguely pointless if it's not helping my MH.

Partner is incredibly supportive. There is plenty of ways for me to add value to our family at home, outside of conventional employment.

Part of me feels there is something 'wrong', that I am lazy and have no value. That I should think of a worthwhile sector in which I'd like to retrain. The other part feels the reverse- that it may be I'm burnt out and do enough already at home. That retraining would be a vanity project to make myself feel better, and that the time and cost involved is counterproductive if I don't have a passion to do it. I was previously happy in my life and wonder if I feel like this because I feel in a different situation to most.

Finances, pension, home ownership are fine and we are married.

As I say, looking for perspective.

How old are your children?

Youngest recently started primary school

You could volunteer instead of taking a minimum wage job. It would likely be just as good for your self esteem.
Citizens Advice Bureau training can be quite challenging and rewarding and often leads to paid part time roles if you want that.

Do you have decent pension provisions?

Yes

I’m sure you aren’t lazy and of course everything you do at home for your family has value.

Why is it you want to find work - because you feel you “should” be working or because it will fulfil something you are missing?

If finances are fine and your partner is supportive, could it be something that fulfils a passion/need rather than makes money, like volunteering for a charity?

You mentioned retraining - do you already have something in mind?

Thank you for the volunteering suggestion. I have done some, which has helped, but still finding myself linking worth to salary.

I think it's because I feel I should. I feel 'other'. I do not have anything in mind for retraining, if I did I would go for it and partner would support. Inspiration may strike. It's the day to day sense of self worth, thought that others may be judging me, and perhaps a tough period of parenting I currently struggle with.

You've been out of work for 4 or 5 years then? That's really not that long, it's not too long out that means you can't catch up.

Are you sure this isn't a crisis of confidence, linked to your mental health? Talking about yourself as lazy and of no value isn't showing much self esteem. Could this be you telling yourself you can't do it to preempt potential failures if you try - kind of I told you I was rubbish.

Anyway, if you don't need to work I'd recommend finding voluntary work in the field you are interested in working in.

What sort of employment field are you aiming for?

One perspective: I will say that I knew lots of friends in a similar situation years ago - who gave up work at some point after their second or third child, when juggling work and childcare stopped making sense.

Often they weren’t ready to go back to work after the youngest started primary, as they still needed to be around for drop-offs/pick-ups and holidays. But ten years on, those “youngest” kids are finally heading off to secondary, and most of my friends have found a route back into work in a way that worked for them.

My selfworth would be even lower if I did a shit job for minimum wage if my family wasn't dependant on it. So I go to the gym, read plenty of books and obviously clean/cook/shop/organise everything at home. I have mh problems as well and spending time alone while keeping busy during school hours keeps me afloat.

I agree on self esteem. I'm seeking help. I have been very busy during my time 'out', so this has been the first chance to think about anything. I'm a bit of an all rounder intellectually (so hard to narrow down) and introverted. I didn't move around in my work life so often don't feel I know much about what is out there!

I was in the same position as you OP. At the time it worked out fine . But like you did start to feel like I should have something to say when people asked me what do I do or where do I work . What I was doing was being the parent who was always there while partner worked away , the one my elderly relatives could rely on to help with appointments etc, have kids at short notice if sickness, etc happened . And I enjoyed it .

Primary school kids aren't exactly FT yet and most women struggle to cover childcare needs . You have avoided huge stress by being there for them.

My one mistake was not making sure my finances were covered . Everything was joint but when illness and unemployment hit , I was left very exposed . You seem to have these covered .

CaseClosedWineOpened
TheBlueKoala
Thankyou both that gives me food for thought/ hope / comfort.
I do hope for another chapter to add to the financial pot. It just seems unattainable right now, and as a planner, I find it hard to live in the moment.
I should probably clarify (as I fear negatives) that the ad hoc work was post leaving my 'career', which was full time for many years. Partner's work schedule is intense, so my work at home is often full on.

Nofeckingway
Thankyou for your response. I'm sorry to hear of your situation and hope things are ok.
While they should be covered, in the current climate it feels you can never have too much.

If your partner’s work is intense it’s naturally going to be tricky for you to find a job around all the demands of caring for young children. But you do need to find time to do things that remind you that you are still you, and not just “mum”.

If you want to make yourself far busier than you’ve ever wished, volunteer for the PTA committee at your children’s primary school. Semi-joking, but semi not joking, as our PTA has always been run by amazing capable parents who really make a difference at the school.

I think @Homebird74 its important to remember that everyone’s circumstances are different.
me - I HAVE to work because we need both wages
would my life be easier with 3 kids if I didn’t have to work - absolutely!

you have to do what’s right for you

Thankyou. One other aspect of my concern is that i'm setting a 'bad example' to my kids but not having a career. Thoughts welcome

*by not having a career

You said you find this parenting stage difficult? Would you like to tell us what is going on?

My personal thought is that I thrive on financial security so have always worked. I currently work 80% and it allows me to do pick up.

I mention financial security as DH earns a lot more than I do and works for a big company, but there are constant restructures and he is currently under consultation. For me personally, it is a good idea to have both of you working in case DH loses his job for whatever reason. Even if that salary is small.

My friend, after being the one at home throughout their children's primary school, recently started working at an independent Jewellers - and she's loving it, it's perfect for hers. It's not a big chain, so it's not just being sales (which, to be fair, she'd also be good at - she's brilliant at talking to people), but also things like watch batteries/resizing, helping customers specify custom jewellery, and she's started a silversmithing course to get her on the road to designing and making her own (not 'crafty' stuff - actual shop-quality precious metal rings etc).

I think she also felt a bit lost as the kids became more independent, and she was lucky enough to find this role that fits her down to a tee.

Can you think of an area you're interested in? Dive in/get started and just talk to people around that area? That's how I'd approach it if there was no money pressure.

Iocanepowder
It was my intention to go back as I agree with this perspective and always worked before. If I found something I could do without retraining I would.
My eldest is quite demanding at the moment. As an example, any time pressure situation causes incredible stress, beyond what I've come to expect as a parent.

I had a career before children and could have gone back but didn’t really feel like I was the same person or wanted the same things. I retrained and am now in my new career but after going FT (kids both KS2) I have dropped back to PT. It just wasn’t feasible with family life to have two parents in very full on careers. It has however given me confidence and a better sense that I am choosing my own path.

@Oncemorewithsome that resonates, would you mind sharing what you did for inspiration?
@FlatCatYellowMat sounds like something i'd also enjoy and gives me hope that something may appear in future

I want to add that I had all kinds of feelings as a SAHM. In hindsight most of this was in my own head. So I would encourage you that your life has worth and value as you are too. Don’t feel like somehow you have to be apologetic. If your child needs you, that’s valuable.
I have a SEN child and it was right for me to be at home with them for a season. Personally I needed to go back to work because I felt pinning my sense of “success” in how parenting was going was making me miserable as my child was not doing well. I am also a better parent because I am less emotionally impacted when they are having a rough time. I’m able to differentiate between their feelings and mine better.

These things are complex. But don’t go back to work out of guilt or because what you’re doing is somehow less valuable if you don’t have to financially. Make your own choice and don’t second guess it if it isn’t someone else’s choice. We are all different (and the grass isn’t always sometimes greener).