DD will only poo in her knickers - help!

[LucyV28]

DD is 3 and 3 months and has been using the potty and toilet for wees,with no issue. She had this figured just before she was 3. Poos are a different story. She will only do them in her knickers. Sometimes big ones, little ones, smears. For this reason it’s hard to tell where the issue lies; is this sheer defiance or is there an actual issue?
she will very proudly tell you she’s done it in her knickers and isn’t bothered in the slightest. My husband and I feel we have tried EVERY approach with this; paying it no attention, paying it attention, using rewards and incentives, taking away privileges etc.
we sit her on the potty / toilet regularly and ask her to try (squeezing etc) and only on a couple of occasions has she done it where she’s meant to. We have of course celebrated these efforts and made a fuss…just for the pooing in the knickers to then resume. It’s almost like it’s a game for her. I don’t think it’s an issue of being scared of the toilet or potty as she will wee on them no problem. We talk about poos a lot; she watches videos and reads books about them, she’s seen myself and husband go…so it’s not a lack of familiarity either.
we are going through knickers like there’s no tomorrow- we are saving and washing them where we can but a lot have to be binned. We are trying to patient and keep telling ourselves this is just a phase like everything else…but I really don’t know where we go or what we do next.
any help or tips would be hugely appreciated!

Naughty corner?

It could well be constipation, especially if sometimes it's little poos or smears. Worth a conversation with the GP before assuming it's behavioural.

@WonderWeeksArentReal this is my next step. Just to rule anything out. I don’t think it’s constipation as this child is an amazing eater and gets a real variety. If anything I think she could be holding…which I know is almost as bad as constipation. Just starting to get me down because it’s something we are factoring in to everything!

Absolutely not - worst thing you could do. She may have functional constipation due to unconscious withholding. With this the child can have overflow, loose stools so don't assume she isn't constipated just because you see soft poo or smearing. You need a GP appt and a referral to a paediatric bowel clinic. If there is a huge waiting list research it yourself and go to your most supportive, child centred GP for the relevant laxatives that are part of the protocol. I hope you have a local, specialist service though as the support to parents is invaluable. It can take a considerable length of time to fully resolve although you should see a significant improvement quite quickly, IME. Good luck.

Google the NHS resource ‘Poo goes to Pooland.’ There is both a booklet and video for it.

@Frillysweetpea thanks for this. I think this is next port of call - I definitely think there’s withholding going on (conscious or unconscious) and I really want to adopt the right approach for whatever the issue stems from. I work in a GP surgery so I will have a chat with one of our Drs and see what they recommend. It’s so hard to know what’s physical / behavioural because she comes over so pleased (almost watching for the reaction) when she tells you she’s done it in her knickers!

@Dreamerinme we watch this a lot, she loves it, talks about it…makes 0 difference! So frustrating because I really thought we were on to something with that one.

This happened with my DD. I was in despair - poo everywhere! In the end I managed to catch her at the right moment - potty in front of the telly, some chocolate treats and I left the room to let her get on with it. She never looked back. At the time I had visions of packing spare knickers in her high school bag - it will happen, but in the interim it is bloody annoying and feels forever!

Do you get her to change herself? I would step back assisting her and tell her she has to put the poo in the toilet, get her a stool so she can reach the sink to rinse her underwear before putting it in the wash, tell her to get her own clean pants etc etc.

Could she not wear knickers for a few days and see what happens? Like a weekend or when she's home, no knickers and loose dresses or skirts? And maybe eating lots of high fibre foods .. and a very high value treat/bribe for pooing on the toilet !!

Why the hell would you be punishing a three year old because they can’t quite figure out potty training.

Wow can’t believe someone suggested the naughty corner as a punishment for something clearly she struggles with it’s not naughty ffs. My eldest and my niece both had issues with the potty moved straight to the toilet and was relatively fine. We had a jar of small toys from Temu and each time she went to the poo on the toilet she was allowed a toy from the jar even if they just tried the toilet they were allowed a toy. She won’t be doing it when she’s 16 so don’t worry it’s just a phase she will get there x

Similar here. We eventually just caught her at the right moment and managed to get her onto a potty, then massively praised her.

I’d add that she is neurodivergent - she was very anxious as a child, and is (as an adult) being assessed for autism. I don’t know if that had an impact.

Do not do this

Next time cancel a trip out as you now have to stay home and wash pants.

If she likes being a big girl and wearing her knickers it may be worth explaining until she can poo in the toilet she will need to wear a nappy.

It could be that she prefers standing or being in a different position for doing a poo than on the toilet. It can also be that they don’t want to stop what they are doing to poo or she doesn’t get much notice that she needs to go.

Poo goes to pooland app and make her tip any poo down the toilet and flush and clean up/change in the bathroom.

not as a punishment but associates poo with toilet and having to stop playing and go to the bathroom whether it’s in our knickers or we get there in time. (If it’s a bit faffy and longwinded to clean up/change it might motivate her to get there in time.)

be very matter of fact come on let’s get cleaned up. Poo goes in the toilet not in our pants. I would try and give it little attention and praise any desired outcomes.

Thanks all.
just feeling really deflated. Each time it happened today she would tell me it just started coming out, to which I say that’s fine, just tell mummy and we can sit you on the potty.
before her bath tonight she sat on the loo, nothing. Gets in the bath then quite proudly tells me she’s done a poo the entire time with a smirk on her face waiting for my reaction. I just got her out of the bath and cleaned it and got her ready for bed.
This is what I mean when I say I’m at a loss because we’ve tried talking about in ways she can understand, we’ve tried rewards, the videos. Getting her to clean up, everything. And nothing is working. It really does just seem like a game!

When you’re home set a timer for every 15 minutes and each time sit her on the potty with a 5 minute timer. It may seem like overkill but sooner or later you’ll catch her at the right time and it will pay off.

Have a big prize sat on the side somewhere for her to see and remind her that’s what she’ll get once she poops on the potty.

it will happen.

OP that was exactly how I felt. She knew what she was doing. She used to do it in the bath all the time. I spent so much time sitting her on toilets, then she’d poop her pants. It was one of the hardest things I dealt with as a parent of littles. So frustrating.

She’s now 23 and just went to the supermarket for us, and is putting all the food away.

I did treats. We had a little box of treats, little cars, puzzles etc. If I caught the 'poo face', I would rush him in. He got it fairly quickly.

I'd try stop putting her on knickers. Just see if she'll do it in potty then. Try putting her on a dress but no knickers at home and see what she does.