Should I raise concerns about my son's father at drop-off?

[Clmtxxx]

I called out my sons dad as most videos his mum posts on social media of him and our 2 year old son, he is on his phone texting and ignoring him when our child is trying to engage with him during his weekends with him.

He never responded. What do I do? I was thinking to bring it up during drop off face to face so he cant ignore me.

In general he is a bare bare minimum dad, his mum does everything.

My son is also meeting his new girlfriend tomorrow. Theyve been together 8 months and she apparantly doesnt agree with anything I say or do 🤷🏻‍♀️

Sorry but this sounds like you are honing in on whatever you can get your hands on to criticise your ex in whatever he does.

Focus on being a mum, do the right thing by your son and ignore what they are doing.

One day... your son will be grown and will reflect on your conduct and his dads conduct. He will see it for what it is. You can choose to drag your kid through the messiness of constant bickering and fighting, or you can choose the high road and focus on you doing what's best for your son.

What I see here amongst the words is .. my son is meeting a new gf and this is threatening my status as a mother.

You make yourself look bad by engaging in petty behaviour.

So its okay that my 2 year old sons dad ignores him whilst he texts all day on the phone??

Its none of your business that he is on his phone in videos. You don't see the rest of the day to make assumptions and when you are separated you no longer have a say in how the other person parents. It can be hard to watch but that is the reality of being separated.

Would you listen if he criticised your parenting?

That’s not what the PP said.

Of course it’s not okay, he sounds like a crap dad. However, unless he is abusive to your ds, and it doesn’t sound like he is, there is nothing you can do about that.

He was extremely abusive to me before, during and after pregnancy. Very neglectful.

Its not the first time I have seen this behaviour. Forget the girlfriend. I worry for my sons emotional wellbeing. His dad was emotionally and psychologically abusive to me, and I sometimes see the same dismissive patterns with my son. Hes a shit dad but cos hes not deemed a threat to our son, I havent stopped contact. But he is always too busy doing his own thing

Sweet, you are here to find people to agree with you and ignore the rest. This is not the place that will do that for you. You want honest feedback that helps you reflect and be the better parent then this is where you'll go.

You are ignoring comments that dont align with your narrative.

Why do you send your son there?

Im sorry you have had such a bad experience, you deserve much better. Is he in anyway mistreating or abusing your son?

Because I was asking whether to bring it up in person, not whether I am right or wrong.

Because social services dont see him as a threat to our son and he doesnt hit him. But he is so bare minimum and preoccupied with his own life, I get annoyed seeing his behaviour

I'd start gradually reducing the time your dc spends with his dad. Offer to do pickups when ex is late, keep ds with you when he is poorly etc. Let his parenting drift since he clearly isn't interested.

It doesn't sound like your ex will notice or be bothered, and your dc won't have the pain of being ignored.

I understand why you get annoyed, but there isn’t much you can do about it.

His dad isnt bothered. He never asks to see him more than he does. And if I keep our son home cos shes sick he doesnt offer to come see him. He is a tick box dad and I dont want my son to feel how I did when I was in a relationship with his dad

I grew up with a dad like this and the pain is enormous and it has affected me in my adult relationships. I dont want the same for my son. But his dad has ignored me when I brought it up.

So why not just stop sending him?

Because what reason do I have legally?

I would be accused of being a bitter baby mama because its 'petty'. And he still sees him when he is supposed to. My son enjoys it

Let them build their own relationship. Your DS will determine on his own as he grows up, if that relationship is of benefit to him.

What you can’t do successfully is bad mouth the dad and still expect to ship DS off to his dad’s to have a lovely time. DS will grow a hate for his dad.

What his dad did to you has nothing to do with DS so leave him to enjoy his dad’s company.

Is it court mandated contact?

I dont badmouth his dad to him. I encourage their relationship. But I will not stand there and watch him ignore our son when he is trying to actively engage with him whilst he messages/plays games on his phone. He is only 2. I let him carry on then the damage is already done. You cannot undo that kind of damage

No. But we did go to court and they said there was no reason for us to be there

My ex was the same. He loved the idea of a child but the reality was just too inconvenient.

I didn't want my ds to grow up knowing his df didn't give a toot, which he clearly didn't so I allowed myself to become defacto parent, with ex finally settling on visiting ds for 6 hours a week, and ds staying at his maybe 10 nights a year

Ds has grown up in a consistent loving home, safe, fed decent food and with lots of activities and local school friends. Ex has become a mildly positive background influence. Nothing too taxing for him. It has worked well for everyone concerned..

So what did you do and how did you cope?

Because I find it difficult to sit back and watch and I am fiercely protective of our son after what he put me through

What they do, and their relationship, has nothing to do with you.

You could mention it in passing - if you must - to make ex aware, but other than that it’s between him and DS. Your DS will decide for himself, as he grows, if he gets what he needs from his dad.

No court would side with you on this one, so you just let it go.

Courts barely even side with kids who have abusive parents. I work in a solicitors office and the courts are horrendously biased against women who have been abused.

What I care about, is my sons emotional wellbeing