Should I raise concerns about my son's father at drop-off?

[Clmtxxx]

I called out my sons dad as most videos his mum posts on social media of him and our 2 year old son, he is on his phone texting and ignoring him when our child is trying to engage with him during his weekends with him.

He never responded. What do I do? I was thinking to bring it up during drop off face to face so he cant ignore me.

In general he is a bare bare minimum dad, his mum does everything.

My son is also meeting his new girlfriend tomorrow. Theyve been together 8 months and she apparantly doesnt agree with anything I say or do 🤷🏻‍♀️

When we split ex tried to weapons his demands for ds to be with him 50% of the time because he wanted to hurt me. Then he discovered that having 50:50 meant he had to get up in the night, change nappies, do messy toddler feeds etc.

So every time he wanted to pick ds up late or drop him off early, I agreed. It was habit forming. Then he wanted a weekend away with the boys or Friday evenings in the pub and I agreed again. Gradually ex became used to not doing his days. Then covid came and lockdown happened when ds was with me. Ex came out with the memorable "see you when it's all over" and didn't see ds except face time for 6 months.

After that ex visited ds on a Sunday, took him to lunch and returned him within a couple of hours. I didn't protest, just allowed ex to ignore his responsibilities. It became the norm although I never once stopped ds going if ex wanted him.

Ds has benefited from the consistency of home, not being dragged from pillar to post, separated from his friends or missing out on activities because his dad can't be bothered. Ex thinks he's "got one over" on me. I am happy because ds is happy and safe. 😊

I have stopped pushing him to call when we dont hear from him. Stopped updating him on medical appointments etc. if he wants to know anything he can ask. Does he ask? Rarely. Stopped offering him to have him more. Has he noticed? No. Yet he asks if he can take him to the philippines for 2 weeks with his family. Errr no. And I am going to bring up the fact of the matter face to face so he cant escape it. I wont have my son being ignored like that it literally broke my heart watching I havent been able to sleep

If he has a positive relationship with his Gran who sounds like she is there all the time that's good and may negate his awful dad. But l wouldn't want her putting videos of my child up on social media so l would put a stop to that.

She is always there but she always has the camera in his face, doesnt discipline and lets her own son walk all over her too. I told her about the abuse towards me and she literally said nothing

Tell her you don't want videos of your child on social media. She has to respect that.
Wondering if your child's father is young..he may cop on as he gets older and grow into a better father.

Great, but seems like his dad is a bit of a dick, and you getting in his face about this (which is what it will be given your hysterical approach here), is not going to change anything at all, and it’s not something any court would view as neglect per se (as you have admitted). So, you can have your say all you like, but it will likely be ignored, you can’t do anything about that then but to let it go. OR, just go to court, tell them the story, they won’t side with you, and then you need to let it go. Either way ends the same way.

Hes 38

How do you know he’s spending all day on his phone? How long are these videos?

Sorry I understand your frustration but you have said yourself that DS enjoys contact with his DF.

Best imho to keep your feelings to yourself and slowly allow DF to disentangle himself from your son's life, with early drop-offs etc. As I bet you learned when you were together, if you push back that will motivate your son's father to do more just to annoy you.

If he’s been abusive to you in the past, please don’t criticise his parenting face to face. I would, like many other posters have said already, not being this up at all.

Criticising him, especially in person, could be a trigger for more abuse and this could be very damaging for your DS and you.

It’s perfectly normal to be upset and disappointed with your Ex’s behaviour. What’s not ok is to carry on arguing with him long after the split.

And it sounds as though your DS has a good relationship with his DGM?

You work in a Solicitor’s office so I’m assuming that you already use a Court approved app to communicate with your Ex? This is the only way that you should talk to him.

If you don’t use one now, suggest that you both do. There is usually a charge but they are really very useful.

Plus there will be a record them of how many times he has asked to see your DS.

It’s not ok but you can’t control it either. Unfortunately loads of parents do this - I work in a school and see it constantly. You can only control what you do with your son in your time

What do you think he’s going to say/do though, if you criticise how much time he spends on his phone. He’s really not going to say ‘you know what, you’re so right. Thank you for the feedback, I’ll stay off my phone from now on’. Nothing is going to change, and you have said yourself that you don’t want to take steps to stop or reduce contact. You need to let go and accept that he is responsible on his time, even if you don’t like how he uses his time.

I called out my sons dad as most videos his mum posts on social media of him and our 2 year old son, he is on his phone texting and ignoring him when our child is trying to engage with him during his weekends with him.

This was a mistake.
The bar for abuse is so high this wont even register.

If you have to say anything just neutrally say if its ever inconvenient for him to have your son on his days because he has plans let you know as you are happy to keep him.
I'd be going for full custody by stealth / via his indifference.

Why do you want your son to have a relationship with a man who abused you?

No its not ok its a child protection and safety issue. At least his mum is doing most of the work but I wouldnt trust a man who acts like his son is invisible.

Because I was coerced into it by the system. Because hes not abusive to anyone else but his intimate partners.

Stop following his mum/him on SM then you won’t get these little snapshots.

I wouldn’t bother mentioning it to ex, he doesn’t appear to give a shit about you.

He sounds like a shit dad. He’s not going to stop being a shit dad because you tell him to. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Best thing you can do is lie low and hope with the new ish girlfriend that he gets bored soon and contact becomes less and less. At the very least, it sounds like there are other adults around to keep your ds safe, so that is something rather than nothing.

Of course it’s her business if her son is being emotionally neglected when he’s not with her! Good grief

You can't control the way he chooses to parent. Since he was abusive to you, the best thing to do is to communicate with him as little as possible, in order to reduce the opportunities he has to be abusive in future; only share practical details about drop off/pick up times, and important information about your son e.g. if he has had any injuries, has school homework etc.

His crap parenting is not good but it is unlikely to change from you bringing it up and it would be worse if he starts having a reactive argument on the doorstep in front of your son.

Unfollow the mum on social media. Focus on the health safety and happiness of your son when he is in your care unless you suspect your son is in actual danger with the father - then report.

The sad reality is that raising his disinterest with him will achieve nothing good. No matter how justified the criticism would be, he's not going to see you as giving him good advice. It's not going to make him magically become a good dad. It's just going to cause conflict for no benefit.

The game here is to make it easy for him to just drift away. He's going to do that sooner or later anyway so just grease the wheels. The more he knows he's annoying you, the more he'll want to stick around. If you just keep everything neutral, easy-going, but subtly taking every opportunity to let him skip contact them the quicker he'll fuck off for good. It's quite likely that right now it's more his mum who's pushing him to maintain contact so depending on what your relationship with her is like it might be worth occasionally arranging for her to see your son on her own. If she thinks you're happy for her to play a part in your son's life without your loser ex having to be involved then she might be less inclined to push him to maintain contact.

Forgpt to add that if you do unfollow his family on SM, they’re unlikely to notice. If it’s FB you’ll still show up as a friend but you just won’t see any of their posts.

You could say something. But it won’t change anything. It’s great that your son has his grandmother. Forget about the new GF…