My son looks like a girl?

[Nellie24567]

Why is my partners mother throwing out shady comments like my son looks like a baby girl.
does anyone else see this as offensive or innocent?
firstly she said it was the way he was dressed and now she’s saying he actually looks like a baby girl.
is she saying these things to poke at me?

I didn't know how old he is but babies and infants are all pretty generic gender wise. I find it hard to tell. And dress him however you like.

I wouldn't see it as offensive (though it sounds like she is winding you up and perhaps deliberately). However, it's likely to be true, in the sense that people are generally very poor at telling a baby's sex without looking at its genitals.

e.g.

• Dress your kid 'as a girl'. Hand them to a parent who doesn't know them at a baby group. Watch and listen to the adult play with the 'girls' toys, and listen to the language they use and how they speak to your child.
• Repeat at a different group with the baby dressed 'as a boy'. Observe the difference.

(Maybe try the 'cross-dressing' at baby groups you're not planning to return to. People generally respond badly to finding out they've been experimented on.)

she knows he’s a boy.
he is 4 months old.

She’s an idiot. Ignore her comments and enjoy your baby.

“he is 4 months old.”

Good grief: your MIL is batshit. I thought you were going to say he’s five with shoulder length ringlets (and there is nothing wrong with that, BTW). He’s a little baby so he looks like - a baby. Take absolutely no notice, OP - she sounds certifiable. And if you see less of her because she is upsetting you with her unnecessary and unwanted remarks, then she will be the loser. Your DH should say something to her - it’s really not OK for a MIL to upset a new mother over anything to do with her baby (or anything else, for that matter).

Just say to her 'all babies look like babies. It's quite old-fashioned to worry about things like clothing colours.'

Everyone said my first son looked soo pretty and wasn’t SHE beautiful - for years!!! Then he got to about 6 and stopped looking so pretty and obviously a boy 😂 he has a gorgeous face now he’s 30 and I know he’s my son so I’m bias but he models for his main job and it pays his mortgage and the bills on his and his wife’s house!
who cares what your mil says?! He’s your baby and clearly very beautiful and that’s ok 🥰

My SIL says this about my son and has done since he was born regardless of him wearing v stereotypical boy clothes because in her view he's a very beautiful boy! She has two sons who aren't conventionally attractive so I think she is projecting her insecurities about this onto my son.

I empathise as it irritates me so much, especially when she made these comments in front of him (he is 7). I used to let them slide and joke that he is lucky to be so beautiful given neither of his parents are etc but a few years ago I snapped and told her that she's being knowingly hurtful to my son and trying to put him down in a weird way. Since then the comments have reduced to maybe once a year - they're like a compulsion she has though.

You or your partner could ask your MIL why she says your son looks like a girl. This would help you understand whether there's an underlying issue. A friend has a MIL desperate so desperate for a grandaughter that says all the grandchildren after the third one look like girls - so weird!

At four months that is a very odd comment to make. Unless baby is decked out in pink?

Ignore her. It’s pretty much impossible to tell if a baby is a boy or a girl by looking at them when they have clothes on. So most people take gender clues from clothing. All of my boys looked like they were girls at times as babies - it’s just how it is! In society we look for specific features to identify if a person is male or female - babies don’t have those features yet. So your DP’s mother is half right - because he probably looks like a girl and a boy at times! You mention clothes too - you can put whatever clothes you like on him, but if something is traditionally associated with girls, then people are going to say he looks like a girl if they know he’s a boy if that makes sense. Ignore them/her. He’s your baby and you can dress him however you like. But if it bothers you, then you’ll need to dress him in “boy” clothing.

If I were you, every time she says it, I’d laugh and reply something like “You’re right, he looks just like his Dad” or “Yeah, I saw photos of DP at this age and it’s uncanny how alike they both look”. Or just “you reckon? I just thought he looked like a baby”

If you generally get on with her, let it wash over you. I suspect you don’t though, so you need to learn to not react to it as that’s what she’s seeking from you. Or just stop seeing her if she’s upsetting you.

Out of curiosity, what sort of clothes and colours are you dressing him in?

People tend to go by how the baby’s dressed. My 14mo has long hair, and when it’s down people mostly refer to him as a boy, and when it’s tied or clipped back he’s mostly called a girl. But if he’s in his blue car jumper he is always called a boy even with his hair tied back and in his pink flower jumper he’s always called a girl.

I think people tend to default to girl more often because over winter when he was very gender neutral in a white bobble hat and a white fluffy pram suit we got a lot of ‘how old is she?’ I mostly just went along with it tbh especially for people I’d never see again.

Shrug it off.
Say oh well, he's 4 months old, they all pretty much look the same, it doesnt matter.

Everyone thinks my (extremely bald) 15 month old is a boy (even if she's wearing purple trousers and sparkly shoes). Who cares? What difference does it make to anything?

Everyone always assumed my daughter was a boy. I did often dress her quite neutrally and sometimes in “boys” clothes. But even when she was in dresses she was called “he” it’s like people forget that girls are not born with long hair 🙄

Does your baby look like “a girl”? I do think most babies do look the same, but do also get some that definitely look one way or the other.

Yes, DS when a few months old had a whole slew of pink/floral hand me down babygros we usually used if he’d wrecked whatever he was wearing while out , and strangers related to him completely differently,

She’s probably saying he’s pretty. There’s nothing wrong with being a girl so

And so do you.
Stop letting her get to you. Don’t correct her, just ignore.

Tiny babies all look like potatoes.

It’s weird how people perceive babies differently. When my oldest was a few months old and dressed in neutral coloured clothes a few people called him ‘she’. My second son has always had loads of hair and is more easily mistaken for a girl. Doesn’t bother me really. But it would probably be annoying if my family member who knew they were boys was consistently saying they’re like girls. Maybe she just means he’s ‘pretty’? I don’t know your relationship with your MiL, but I wouldn’t think she’s trying to offend you. If she were then wouldn’t she be saying something about you instead of your baby?
Bit of a strange situation, but just try to ignore it. Or just keep dressing him in more girly clothes every time you see her and see what she says!

I think people get blinded by colour with babies. Every time I put my daughter in a beautiful blue flowered dungaree set she was referred to as a boy all day. It wasn’t offensive to me as I do think it’s hard to tell with babies.

I have one of each sex. If you showed DH a photo pf each of them at 4 months he would t be able to tell you which is which.

Just ignore your “D”MIL and concentrate on enjoying the time with your DS.

I used to get this with a blue dress with butterflies on.

I think I’d be tempted to say “Well, short of keeping him naked all day to make it more obvious, there’s fuck-all I can do to allay your confusion about what sex he is, so you should probably shut up about it now”

Ask her why it matters? Your baby is 4 months old. I had people say I had a beautiful daughter and I didn't bother to correct them. I didn't care. So what if my son looked like a girl? Babies just look like babies. If they were all laid out in just nappies I bet lots of them would just look cute.

Don't react to it, it may be that she is trying to get a rise out of you. If you like you could say I thought the same thing about Dh's baby photos too. He looked like a girl as a baby. If she then gets all uppity about it you know she is deliberately saying stuff to upset you.

Don’t let her get to you. My youngest grandchild looked (as many babies do, if we’re honest) like the elderly Winston Churchill. She’s now a strikingly lovely young woman.

Option 1: ignore it.

Option 2: ask them what's wrong with girls? Hold eye contact till it's uncomfortable.

Option 3: Play the long game. I had comments like this when DS was small from a family member. Option 2 didn't deter her. By the time he was 2 she'd upgraded to 'you sound like a girl' or 'you're acting like a girl'. I literally trained that child to reply to her (and anyone else) with 'i like girls' and a shrug. If that hadn't worked I'd have upgraded to 'why don't you like girls, you are one?' or words to that effect.

He's 7 now, he has long (ish, long for a boy) hair and loves hot pink. He also plays rough and tumble sports, climbs anything stationary and is obsessed with anything with wheels and thinks bodily functions are hilarious. He still thinks girls are cool (though I imagine the 'eewwww girls' days are coming!)

A friend had it with her DD too, old ladies on the bus admonishing her for dressing her daughter in blue....whilst they themselves were wearing blue.

It's a them issue.