Can I ask you about your 10 year old boys?

[Applepearwhydoicare]

Morning! I have a brilliant 10 year old boy and I wanted to ask for some honest, unfiltered feedback from others and how I can manage this stage better.

Hes a very sporty boy, quite bright, has some good friends. But is incredibly irritable, can often be rude, bad tempered and unkind to his sister. He will lose his patience regularly and doesn’t like things not going his way. This will result in a bit of a shouty, stompy few moments but it’s over very quickly. We’re always very clear that rude, unkind behaviour is not acceptable or a good way to handle things. We will discuss, try to repair etc but it’ll happen again.

he can be incredibly kind and thoughtful. He’s very sensitive and thinks a lot but does come across as disinterested and quite unfriendly a lot of the time. For this reason I worry constantly about how he is perceived or if he will say something that offends or upsets. I’m very aware I worry way too much and am also aware that my worries probably rub off onto him which I struggle massively with.

hes so very different from his older sister. At the moment I find the way he talks to us, his lack of willingness to make an effort at school etc very draining. It makes me sad that all he really wants to do at home is play on his PlayStation or watch YouTube. He is regularly out at various sports but when he’s home I can’t get him interested in anything else.

i worry about him a lot. Whilst he has friends at school he’s very rarely invited on play dates etc. I think other parents don’t especially warm to him which makes me sad.

i find parenting him very very difficult. 😞 he dows have autistic traits and we have gone back and forth over the years about whether to get an assessment but I feel that, for him, I don’t think it would be a positive thing. I may be wrong about that but I’ve always felt that just understanding him and helping him understand himself will work better than a diagnosis.

anyway, not sure what I’m asking but I just wanted to know if any of this feels familiar. thanks for reading x

I have two older teen boys (and a teen girl).

I think a lot of this sounds pretty normal. They do get a bit moody when they hit the pre teen years. Does he have limits on screen time?

Thank you for replying. I sway between feeling it’s normal and that it’s really not.
he doesn’t have access to PlayStation during the week. At the weekend he can play but yes there are limits. YouTube is a bit trickier to limit as the mindless shorts are all he wants to watch but can only do so for a certain period of the day. I have tried to restrict it altogether but I’ll be honest that the resistance to that always wears me down

A diagnosis will only be given if he’s autistic, it may lead to support for him and help navigating the world. Why don’t you want to go through it?

short form you tube clips are a waste of time are fucking ip the brain and should be deleted off all devices with stringent parental controls.

we had parental controls set up so any app had to be requested and approved by us. Devices would auto shut down after 1 hour of use.

socials are killing brains and parents are in overwhelm

get rid. It will be hard but new habits will form. Do not be scared of boredom.

What’s he looking at on you tube? He’s getting this attitude from somewhere and I would be looking for the source. Meantime try to engage him in activities with you, spend time one on one with him. Also does he have pocket money? If so link it to chores around the house /garden, keep him busy! Find out what he’s doing at school in terms of projects and themes, try to support that with outings and activities.

Get him off you tube shorts. What are the male role models in his life like?

I’ll give mine (limited) time on Switch/Xbox but short form videos are a complete no no in this house.

If you think he's ASD get him assessed. We knew DS was ASD from the age of about 5, but DH was dead set against him getting diagnosed because "he didn't need it" and that diagnosis came with lots of negatives. His "not needing it" was true at the time, but by the time he did "need it" (wheels came off late teens) it would have been really helpful to have the diagnosis in place. As a result of our experience with DS, we had DD diagnosed at the same time, and I'm glad we did -- late teens is where it often starts to go wrong for those who are able to mask hard in younger life. Having a diagnosis for DD has just meant that all the school shit is much easier to navigate.

My 14 yo loves his football (not sporty in other ways really) , quite bright, has some good friends. He will lose his patience regularly and doesn’t like things not going his way. He doesn’t do much shouting and stomping around.

He can be incredibly kind and thoughtful. He’s very sensitive and thinks a lot but does come across as disinterested.

He makes a lot of comments about us or makes things up all the time. Just everyday stuff like have you had your breakfast or what did you do in xx lesson at school, and he’ll come up with a funny answer, lie or just not answer the question with a reasonable answer. It feels I cannot have a conversation with him about anything. So at the moment I find the way he talks to us, his lack of willingness to make an effort at school etc very draining. It makes me sad that all he really wants to do at home is play on his Switch / laptop / phone. He has limits on time too. He plays his football including in the garden but when he’s home it’s gaming he wants to do.

Whilst he has quite a lot of friends at school he’s rarely goes out. He’s met friends a few times in the park or in town. He’s never had any of his new friends from secondary school around the house. Or even any friends really.

That sums up my situation quoting a lot of what you’ve wrote. Mine is a bit older but disinterested in a lot of things perhaps not as shouty but he has his moments too. I think a lot of boys are the same. They’ve got this perception from society that they shouldn’t have feelings or cannot talk about them and then struggle when they do feel a certain way. I cannot get my son to talk to me about anything involving feelings! Despite me trying. They’re subject to a lot of hormonal changes around late primary / secondary school age…

Not sure that helps. Sounds as if you are doing the all the right things and it’ll work out in the end!

It sounds like the normal way kids behave if they have unlimited YouTube access.

Don't waste anyone's time trying to pathologise these behaviours until you've done the basics, which in this case would be a good chunk of time, maybe a month, of no playstation and no YouTube.

This. Resistance to the limits should trigger an immediate ban and ‘we can try again next week with our limits’ because they just wire the brain to have zero focus.
I have a 10yo, work hard at managing what will probably be an adhd diagnosis in a year or two (sounds vague but he sees a paediatrician and diagnosis is only for medication really, so holding off on that). I don’t think boys have ‘best friends’ like girls so maybe that’s part of it if you have an older girl and that’s what you’ve seen? And my boy and his friend are sporty and they are playing too much sport for much in the way of play dates. I will say that they happen more when the families all get on- we do socialise with friends + families as much as with just friends.

Ok thanks everyone. Appreciate your comments. I recognise the issue with you tube. He watches people playing games etc. nothing negative but I agree total brain rot. I know we need to stop it. I’ll try not to take the comment about ‘wasting peoples time’ too personally. Hard work being a parent and o think much of the issue is that it feels other parents us want to knock you down rather than help build you up. I’m over sensitive I know 😞 1st job today is to find out how to properly block YouTube. Have tried many times before but there always a way round it somehow

Thank you for your reply. I appreciate it. X

It isn’t unlimited time by any means. But thank you for your reply

Thank you. Can I ask though how things are different with a diagnosis? Genuine question. I’m unsure really. I’m not resistant to it but honestly, having worked in schools I have seen a lot of negativity to a diagnosis. I’ve done lots of researching, reading, talking to ppl etc and I’ve felt that just working with him and his specific behaviour s might be better than having a diagnosis. I’m genuinely unsure how a diagnosis that isn’t specific to him is going to help. That really is a genuine question and perhaps complete naivety on my part so I’m really trying to understand what difference it could make. And yes, he hates the idea of it too so that does steer my thinking.

Our oldest is ten, but eleven this month. We’ve had mood swings for about 4-5 months, getting overly emotional both ways, so overly upset at times and overly annoyed at times, and a bit of back chat etc.

On the youtube thing, our son doesn’t have the app on his phone or the shared tablet, neither have safari or any other internet browser either, so he has no access to youtube on any device he can use without an adult physically supervising. His phone has a time limit too, so he can only use the apps he does have for an hour per day and between 8am and 7pm.

I find it really has a behavioural impact, plus he gravitates to mindless games and things that really hit his dopamine so I think it’s really bad for his brain which has enough trouble focussing so we don’t need to strengthen the unfocused part , we have no screens pretty much during the week and it’s very limited weekends. When I say diagnosis is just for medication that’s for adhd and our case, I’m not for a moment arguing you shouldn’t get a diagnosis.

I agree with this post.

also with getting an assessment done. It can't hurt & knowing how best to help him if he is ND can only be a good thing.

I agree with this post.

also with getting an assessment done. It can't hurt & knowing how best to help him if he is ND can only be a good thing.

How the hell is DS 11 already?? That's gone so quickly!!

Nothing changes with an assessment - it won’t change behaviour and won’t change your child, it just gives you more resources and more ideas of how to support them.

I have an almost 10 year old boy and it’s harder now than when he was younger. I remember this from when my daughter was this age, all the opinions and none of the follow through. Part of it is definitely just the age - pushing boundaries and all that. But YouTube is a menace and you need to stop that cold turkey. It’s encouraging all the worst instincts in a growing child and that’s the first thing to change. Not restricted, not with limits, just a clean break. As a smoother transition how about Minecraft? It’s a much calmer sort of screen time and my son and his friends like it. My son doesn’t have online gaming or anything, he just builds interesting worlds.

What is he playing on PlayStation?

I think pre-teen years can be as emotional /volatile as the teens, or in some cases, more than the teens.

My boys are 14, 12, 9 and 7. 14 year old was an easy going child, then really hard work (emotional outbursts, negativity) around 10-12 and then since 13 (post puberty) has been much happier and more confident. Seems like the pre-teen hormones or whatever have passed over.

My 12 year old is completely different temperament, much more focused and sociable, not so emotional, but again has suddenly become a lot more obstinate over the last couple of years.

Thank you. I know you’re totally right about YouTube and I have definitely let it go for an easier life which is stupid. We had a chat today about blocking it completely and he took it surprisingly well. He doesn’t like Minecraft but I’m going to have another go and play with him to see if I can get him keen. He plays rocket league and I quite like him playing that as he plays online with friends and its nice to hear them chatting and laughing together. It’s only allowed in ear shot and eye sight. The moment it gets unkind or any bickering he’s off.

The short brain rot clips give them a big dopamine rush , which is why they crave it! My DS , 11, has his moments! But he is also great company and this afternoon we have played a family boardgame and are olanning a family movie after dinner. He is starting secondary school in Sept. We have chosen an independent school where phones are not allowed on site and the day runs from 8.30am - 5pm, so it will be interesting to see what he is like then.

I have a 10 year old boy too and we ended up buying a Finlux Amazon Fire tv that has profiles for each family member. You can set controls for each profile remotely to block apps/ downloading of apps. All my DS can access is iPlayer and Netflix. The master profile is behind passcodes so there’s no way for him to access YouTube. You can also apply screen time limits to prevent the battles when turning off the TV. You can even set the tv so it won’t come on for them until after a certain time of the day, preventing struggles on weekend mornings / straight after school. We don’t have any consoles because screen time is actually just terrible for him, and consequently for all of us! It’s very hard, but basically we have become draconian because gaming and watching YouTube is really bad for him annd his behaviour. As his parents we have had to make the decision to restrict access. He didn’t like it at first but it has made life so much easier for the family not to have these daily battles.

Youtube and playstation.... you've listed the issues right there.

Why not experiment and go for a month without either and see what happens?