How do parents of multiple children manage to get enough sleep?!

[Anon501178]

I have 3 wonderful children (9, 4, 2wks)
Newborn is as expected very wakeful at night and I am struggling to find a way to get enough sleep.

When DH was on paternity leave he was getting up with baby and our older kids in the mornings so that I could get some more sleep.When things were really tough and baby was up literally most of the night (first few nights) we shared the feeding abit as baby is combination fed.
However he is back at work now (went back afew days ago) and he works outside the home 30mins drive each way and has a physical job, so needs to be getting a relatively okay amount of sleep.
He leaves the house at 7.30 and has to get ready first from 7ish, so can't do alot first thing.Our daughters are usually asleep until I wake them 7.30ish anyway.Baby has been sleeping til around then too but will do stretches ranging from 1-3 hours and is sometimes up for awhile inbetween (could be 30mins, could be 2hrs on a bad night)
We agreed DH would take baby late evening (giving him a bottle of formula and once settled watch him downstairs until he comes upto bed at 10.30/11 time for me to get a head start sleeping) but it's not working out very well as both our daughters have late bedtimes plus our youngest is 4 and needs alot of assistance to settle, so obviously he can't juggle that and seeing to baby, so until she is asleep I can't go to bed, and then once i've had a shower etc and actually got ready for bed the time just goes and sometimes baby wakes again and wants the comfort of breastfeeding.

I am getting an hour or two 11ish-1ish then usually 2-3 hours 2ish-5ish, then maybe another hour between then and when I have to get up to get the girls ready for school.
It is averaging about 5hrs of broken sleep a night which isn't sustainable if I want to drive further/do more than just going to school runs or into town, plus just generally manage day to day without feeling knackered.
DH is home weekends so that will be fine as I can have a lie-in, it's just the weekdays when I have to get up for the school run/routine.

I am wondering what everyone else does who has multiple children and a DH who works out the home so needs at least 6/7hrs sleep too....when we had our middle child, our eldest was already at school so I could at least get some sort of opportunity each day to catch up on sleep.
I have always tried to follow the 'sleep when baby sleeps' rule as much as i can, but with multiple children it's not often that simple- youngest is home with me 2x days a week and i have school and nursery run times to work around.

Also baby does not always sleep much in the day, for example today i've been home just me and him 10am til now, but he has literally only had a couple of half an hour slots (so i managed 20mins sleep but that's it!)
Have tried a dummy as think he likes comfort sucking, but he tends to keep spitting it out/dropping it.

You go to bed at 7pm and he copes with what he copes with.

that’s what we did.

We have twins, I didn’t get more than 3 hours sleep a day for the first year and it didn’t really improve until they were at school.

It was hard so you have my sympathies 💐

our youngest is 4 and needs alot of assistance to settle, so obviously he can't juggle that and seeing to baby

Of course he can! What would he do if he was a single parent? He would manage and make do, even if it's not ideal. You both need to come up with ways to either change the 4 yo bedtime routine, or just shove the baby in a sling/bouncer seat to watch bedtime. I'm sure if you post the specific problems with bedtime that people could help you problem solve?

We never prioritised my husband's sleep over mine. He worked through the day, I looked after children. Neither is more important or more deserving of rest.

Is his job genuinely dangerous to do tired? I can understand if he's a surgeon or firefighter, but unless being tired could cost people their lives I'd try to make the nights fairer.

Sorry you’re in the thick of it right now.

My husband is a surgeon and our children are 4, 2 and 11 months. I’ve co-slept with the baby (and did the same with the middle one when they were the baby) and find that I feel pretty well-rested this way. It’s actually easier than when we tried to “share” wake-ups with the eldest. I know it’s not for everyone but it has kept me functioning!

Co sleeping
shifts - I went to bed as soon as he got home from work and he got on with it
buying a super king bed so we all fit

PFB insisted on co-sleeping so we did it with next ones- was bf and did make sure it was safe.

Caught up when DH was around a weekends - he had period when he was out 6 am to 7.45 then he ended up working away in week - that was life - so I slept in weekends when he was around.

I would sleep 8pm-11pm then have baby all night sunday-thursday nights. DH slept in spare room and would settle older child through night (if needed). Then we would switch and do the reverse on Friday and Saturday nights. So I got 2 nights sleep a week.

I think at this early stage everything else should take a back seat to sleep - can you take your 4yo's bedtime and just get in with her or something while your DH stays with the baby? Also sack off the shower right before bed as you can do that during the day and it's wasting time you could be sleeping.

Two weeks is such early days though, and I think you're expecting a lot of yourself. You're in the thick of it right now, but it really won't always feel this hard.

I would go to bed at 7.30, he would sit up till 12, then would take baby again roughly 6.30-7.30 when it was really bad. You may need to adjust your older children’s bedtimes - I feel like the 4 year old should be in bed from 7.30. It is super tough at this stage, it will get better. On the days I only for four or five hours sleep, I didn’t drive, on the better days I did.

Also- for some reason I read 2 months not 2 weeks. Stop putting any pressure on yourself to leave the house at 2 weeks, it will all get better but you have to take it easy on yourself for a bit.

You don't. Until you do!

Eventually, they all sleep through and you have to wake them up in the morning but til then it's a long road ahead...

Cups of tea and nice pyjamas (for me) cheered me up a little during my night time vigil years...

And, of course, robustly prioritizing my own sleep whenever I got the opportunity eg sleep before housework if you possibly can, while your child is still in nappies (my housekeeping skills will never win any awards, but everyone survived and I still have my sanity, so I am calling it a win...)

We didn't prioritise DH's sleep just because he was working. We both agreed to have DC and there was no opting out of parenting during the night.

Your DH will learn how to deal with 4 year old and baby if he is left to it. Your rest is just as important.

At ages 9 and 4, they're out of the house most of the day so try to nap with the baby. I never managed to nap mid morning but I made the lunch nap a cosleeping one so both me and baby got 1 or, very ocasionallly 2 hours of sleep at lunch.

And there's no reason why your DH can't handle 4 year old's bedtime while holding the baby.

I think it will help to get your older children in a routine.Dinner ,bath time reading a story, brushing teeth then into bed.A cd player with stories can also help to settle them if the baby is not settling.

I had similar age gaps 7, 3.5 and newborn.
7 and 3.5 year old had a strict bedtime routine and fell asleep independently after stories.
I'd (breastfeed) baby while DH put the older ones to bed, then leave baby with DH and a bottle of expressed milk or formula to do the 10/11pm feed. I'd go to bed about 9pm.
We slept in separate rooms. So he'd do the last feed then pop the baby in with me about 11pm, he'd go to bed.
I'd feed baby through the night and then we'd all be up about 7am.

Honestly, we were just really really tired people. For over a year (when my youngest was 6-18m, she slept ok as a newborn), she woke for boobs every hour, and I survived on 3-4 hours broken sleep 7 days a week. She refused a bottle and was inconsolable without me near.

My husband got up with her in they nothings and attended to our toddlers wakings (1-2 a night) so he'd get 5-6 hours, sometimes less.

We didn't have a solution really, we just waited it out. They are both school age now and I often get 6 hours now, sometimes 7 (with a break), so it's still not great, but it's better.

You’re in the thick of it right now and I completely sympathise, it’s really hard. My daughter was 3 when my youngest was born and at that very same time my partner ended up on a job 1.5 hours drive away. He had to leave at 5am in the morning and wasn’t getting home til gone 7pm some nights. It was hard work and I honestly don’t know how I got through it, but I did and like everything it passes.

I prioritised sleep over everything else. My eldest was in nursery 3 days a week and on those days I would sleep throughout the day whenever baby did. some days were better than others.

Your DH could absolutely put the 4yo to bed with baby in tow. I used to put my 3yo to bed whilst breastfeeding baby. You just do what you have to do and in this case that is something he has to do to give you the opportunity to get some unbroken sleep.

Took turns.

For a period we had a babysitter in the weekend who took the children out and we got some sleep.

I have 5 and DH worked away during the week. I was just really strict about bedtimes - I would have the 4 year old in bed with lights out at 7pm and 9 year old in bed by 7.30 & let them read/listen to audiobook for 1/2 hour. I also co-slept with baby which made feeding easier and waking minimal. I think you do have to accept that you will have broken sleep for some months and just power through on coffee and willpower for the most part & snatch a nap when you can during the day. At the weekends DH & I would each have a lie in on one of the days and catch up on a few hours sleep!

We had 4 in 6 years and my DH was working nights so it was all me.

I found a routine really important. I co-slept with younger ones. Older ones had to self settle and read to themselves.

I couldn’t really take any messing around from them.

Coffee and co -sleeping - mine didnt sleep through till they were 4 and 7- tbh I'm surprised I didnt go mad with sleep deprivation!

Agreed with what others have said - prioritise sleep over everything and divide it fairly. Unless your husband is a surgeon or airline pilot, he doesn’t need a full unbroken night’s sleep and/or he can cope with the evenings alone to give you more sleep time.

Try adding a disabled child in to the mix, I haven’t had more than 4 hours broken sleep for years!
It is what it is.