Regretting husband's vasectomy and wondering if anyone has faced this

[SnappyTiger]

I have approached my husband about a 3rd baby even though he has had a vasectomy. We currently have 2 children aged 3 and 5 and he had his vasectomy a year after our youngest was born. I now regret it and thinking back I wasn't really in the right frame of mind to decide whether I wanted more children or not as I was sleep deprived and busy with 2 very young children. At first he was a straight no when I approached him but it's actually really affected me more than I thought. I decided to send him an email with all my thoughts and feelings and he said he has read it and needs some time to think and will let me know when he is ready to talk. I can't help but feel he is just going to say the same as he said before but he wants me to think he's had time to consider when really it's just going to be a no. I am looking for anyone who has been in a similar boat and before anyone tells me how lucky and grateful I should be for my current two children- I absolutely am and couldn't be happier with them but I just feel incomplete.

I could have had a couple more but we stopped at 2 at his choice and I asked my husband to get a vasectomy to stop any accidents as I was done with birth control after being on it since 13.
My viewpoint has always been that if he was a yes and I was hard no and he kept constantly bringing it up I would resent him for it. We had the conversation he made his position clear and that to me is how a marriage works. Sure in some cases people change their mind and a discussion might need to be had again but if it’s a no from him you have to leave it there. Not fair to either of you otherwise

The decision has already been made. Don't hurt your marriage by insisting on this, for the sake of your existing children. You can feel regret and move on. We're all a bit sad when we realize we will never hold a baby again. But practically, a 3rd child is an enormous endeavour and you've already decided no more.

Ultimately, it's his body and has to be his decision. It's not his fault you've changed your mind. The decision to have another child has to be because both partners want one & pressuring one partner into it is never going to end well.

You've got 2 wonderful children and a presumably happy marriage - I'd be grateful for what you have 💐

I'm a little in the same boat, but I've mostly come to terms with having two.

I always wanted 3, but my husband is very much done at 2. Our second was very difficult in his baby and toddler years, so it was fine by me then. But now, as our second heads off to school this year, I've realised this is it for me. No more babies. I wanted to be done by 40 anyway (also happening this year), but now there's a pang as I feel a little incomplete and broody. Our eldest is so good with her little brother, and seeing our youngest around smaller children makes me know he would be an incredible big brother. But it's no longer to be. While DH didn't bother to get a vasectomy in the end, he's still against having a third, so that's that I guess.

I think what's not turning this into an obsession for me is that I've got something huge (potentially retraining for career progression) to look forward to. Something I wouldn't be able to do with a baby/child at nursery. Is there anything like that you can think of to do?

Your husband is allowed to decide he doesn't want any more children - has done so, in fact, by getting a vasectomy. I really dislike the tone of "I can't help but feel he is just going to say the same as he said before but he wants me to think he's had time to consider when really it's just going to be a no."

It's not sneaky or underhand of him to consider something and his opinion not to change after doing so. You asked, despite him having taken a fairly permanent and definitive step to suggest he doesn't want more children, he said no. You asked again, putting more of a case together. If he says no again, then I don't know why you'd be surprised and you certainly shouldn't be treating him as though he's somehow tricking you.

It’s a hell of a lot to ask of someone who clearly doesn’t want another baby. And also surely the chance of it being successful are quite low?

You would be looking at a longtime on a waiting list, then confirmation it has worked, then….your kids could be a few years older and you would be well past the baby stage.

I think becoming comfortable and happy with what you have is the far better option here.

If he's had a vasectomy he is presumably pretty damn certain he doesn't want any more children. I wouldn't push it.

And realistically, you can't guarantee you'd have another child anyway. I think most women think they'd like just one more (even if with huge caveats) - we are biologically programmed to reproduce.

Sorry but this is on you. You made the decision to not have any more as a family and he had the surgery to prevent this. Now you’re the one having second doubts so you need to work on this. I recommend therapy. Focus on the 2 you have and worst case scenario get a dog.

@StarsShiningOnANighttimeSea you have probably been the most helpful in your response so thank you for that. I don't long for career progression. I have got quite a good job already with quite good pay for my part time hours.

I didn't realise mumsnet was so judgmental! It isn't a case of "it's on you". When we discussed it a few months ago he said he was at 15% for having a baby and then the rest of him it was a no and when I asked why as he is a great dad and very involved, his response was financial and I know that financially we can afford another. He is also looking at 4 bed houses at the minute but has told me not to get my hopes up as its not for that reason but he can't justify what a 4th bedroom would add? So quite confusing for me really. I understand a baby needs two to say yes and I would never pressure. I was just looking for some understanding on a difficult situation and if anyone else had been in the same boat.

How did it come to be that he had a vasectomy?

Usually that happens when a joint decision has been made that both partners are 100% sure they don’t want anymore children?

I’m assuming that was the case at the time but you’ve now changed your mind?

He must have obviously felt very strongly too about having no more children seeing as he had the procedure so his reaction cant be a surprise?

Forget all the children in this situation do you want to still remain married to him? And would you be married to him if you had no children? Do you envisage your life with him after these two kiddies have left home or are you in this until the family unit is complete and raised?
Basically what I’m asking is is this third child more important than staying with him?
For me it was so I did push and push and push and I got my own way and the marriage ended and I’ve never regretted it for a moment

@ScaredButUnavoidable It was a joint decision and if I dare say it (cue all the hate and judgment coming my way) I was really pushing for him to have it done because I really struggled on the pill and have done fot years and I wanted to be free of those hormones. However I've now educated myself around contraception and different options - obviously not relevant now but I just mean at the time we were heavily sleep deprived and I wasn't thinking straight. His reaction is no surprise and I'm not expecting him to change his mind but I am more struggling myself with my own wants and desires for the future. In hindsight I should never ever have supported such a final decision. I had no idea I would feel this way and so strongly either.

@Idintlikefridays oh really...did it end because of the third child though or for other reasons? I do see myself with him for life, even after the children have grown. However I am really really concerned I will start to resent him as he is obviously the reason I can't extend my family. That and the fact I also went along with the idea of a vasectomy but I just mean now at this point in my life, I've changed what I want out of life and whilst friends are chasing career progression I'm just wanting to extend my family. If I'm honest with myself I always wanted a big family but then I met my husband and he was very much only wanting 2 so I did go along with that. I didn't realise I would feel this way now.

At the end of the day op, you've changed your mind, he hasn't. If you pushed for the snip you can't blame him for having it even if you now regret it.

It ended for other reasons. It was always going to end. I just made sure I got my baby before it did.
But I was late 30s if you’re younger than I was you’ve got time to meet somebody else and have baby number three with somebody else if that’s super important to you but you’ve just got to decide and weigh it all up
I had a lot of children with the wrong man. He never wanted lots of children. He probably never wanted children at all. If the truth be known and now I see people who have got three or four children with the right man. It makes me so sad because it makes such a wonderful difference to their lives.
Mum and children

This is a normal feeling as we age and our children get older. As a pp said we are hard wired to reproduce and this is your bodies way of giving itself one last chance before it’s no longer feasible.

I’m a bit younger than you but my dc are quite a bit older. My dh also had a vasectomy after our second. I did feel like you when my youngest left toddlerhood. I knew rationally that it wouldn’t be a good idea but that urge can be very strong.

Ride it out op, it will slowly reduce and eventually stop. Now my dc are more independent, but often just a knackering as they were as toddlers, I thank the lord I didn’t have a 3rd. I can’t wait until the school runs end. You do start to feel done with the drudge of parenting and that urge is less strong so it’s easier to think practically.

A 3rd only benefits you. Not your existing dc who will inevitably miss out.

It’s much harder to go to theme parks or other such activities.
Harder to get hotel rooms.
Harder to get car seats in the car.
Harder to attend all plays, school assemblies and events.
Teenagers cost an absolute fortune, literally hundreds of pounds for clothes and phones and trips etc. A 3rd would been a financial nightmare.
As they get older they become interested in clubs and such like. It’s hard enough getting 2 dc to separate places every night.
Sorting out friendship drama and sleepovers and teenage emotions is hard enough without trying to do that with 3.
You definitely appreciate the time to yourself you get as they age.
There is no guarantee that his vasectomy reversal will work. Do you want to go through that emotional process while caring for your current dc.

Ride it out, it will pass.

I will start to resent him as he is obviously the reason I can't extend my family.

No he isn't, your previous decision to push for the snip is the reason.

The snip is not supposed to be reversible. The modern way of doing it actually removes the tubes.

It's OK to feel regret for your previous decision but yabvu to resent him

@geekygardener A very helpful response to read and reflect on. Thank you. I suppose I don't know what's ahead of me with current dc. I am only 32 so I feel I've got so much more to give in terms of parenting.

@Kingdomofsleep not helpful as I've already acknowledged this and I didn't say I currently resented him I said I was worried about that feeling.

This is very good advice.
I would try very hard to accept it.

Sorry I thought I read you were 40. You are a few years younger than me. I had my dc young. You do actually get much more tired as you get further towards 40. You don’t think so when you are early 30s but it’s crazy how it just comes out of the blue. I don’t know how I would manage a baby and toddler now. I’m knackered

You don’t not have a baby because of theme park membership how often do you go to a theme park?
We’ve got tickets annual passes and it still wouldn’t be enough to influence the decision-making about whether to have a baby or not that’s ludicrous

Your children are still tiny. Your parenting journey with them is so so far from being over. Enjoy this season rather than focussing on a new hypothetical baby. It is sooo much fun having primary age children. Why not throw yourself into that fully?

His body, his choice.

@museumum this was a really lovely positive thing to read. Much more helpful than the other "his body his choice" comments which add absolutely no value to my issue. I feel if people don't have advice to give then don't give it! Thank you for your advice ❤️

I'd absolutely back @museumum post, I've got 4 dc 17-11.
The youngest two being 30wk twins, dh booked himself in for a vasectomy ASAP, it failed, so a year later did it again.

You see so many negative comments on here about parenting but for me it's been so much fucking fun. I've been at every dance mob, class open day, forest school, library duty instead if my uni work, walks to the swimming lessons etc, I've done it all and some.

Could I have another? Dare say I could, I'm 39 and an insomniac now anyways which may hint to my fertility, dh couldn't though!