I'm a man. My first thread. Help me understand children.

[DouglasMajor]

I'm a straight middle-aged man. I've been either married or in a marriage-like relationship for most of my adult life. I don't have kids and I never wanted them.

And I never quite understood, deep down, why other people want them.

Can you help me understand what makes you want kids, if you do? What's the emotion? What do you feel you're missing? What are you hoping to get? What does it mean for you to feel like "I want to have kids"? What that feeling is like?

I know there's no right answer here and there's nothing wrong with not having kids. I just never quite understood what it's like to want to have kids, and I'd love to understand others' experience.

I think most men in developed countries don't want kids, they just kind of accept that if they want a woman that she'll want kids and so they have them on that basis.

Women have kids because babies are lovely lol. They get broody which is logical when you think about it otherwise the human race would die out.

Can I ask why you are asking? Is it because your partner wants children?

No one other than my kids have ever brought me to tears with love, happiness, joy or pride. DS has his first award ceremony tomorrow, he's won a prize. I am so fricken excited, I'm bursting with pride, and I know he will be when his name is called and just the thought of that face brings me so much joy.

They're fucking hard work. But my god. Did you ever build or draw anything as a kid and when someone told you how good it was you'd feel so proud, especially when you had worked so so hard on it. It's like that. Times a billion. Teachers stop me to tell me how lovely he's been, that supervisors on school trips praised him, people stop me to tell me how lovely my boys are, how polite, how friendly, how clever, how beautiful. And they are, my kids are wicked. And I made them and I could not be more proud of them. There is nothing else I have ever done that has made me feel so proud.

There's no logic to wanting children. I had a strong desire to have a baby, driven by hormones presumably, like any other female mammal. We're animals, don't forget. And I love my children more than I love anyone else. I've got friends that I have more fun with, so its not rational, but my children delight me and I adore them.

There are loads of straight men, young, old and middle aged who want children, surely they would be better placed to ask what it feels like?

I never wanted children myself but was in relationships with men who did, and naturally we broke up. I can't tell you what it feels like to want a child but it's definitely not exclusive to women.

Why are you asking OP- does your partner want kids? You don't need to have an active wish for kids or to 'get' what's good about children in advance, imo. I had children as I'm insecure and very sensitive to other people's perceptions. My friends started having babies so I had them too- its shameful to admit that but true. Now that they're here im obsessed with them and they're the best thing ive ever done. I think that usually (not always, of course) kicks in regardless of if you had the 'urge' beforehand or not.

My daughter has taught me more about myself than anything else in the world. She has taught me strength and resilience, how to love and be loved. She has healed me. I love being her mum. Watching the world through her eyes has been such delight.
That's ignoring the sheer joy of hearing her laugh, or learn a new skill, having her say 'I love you'. Being a parent now is hard because of work and life expectations and the general awareness of the state of society, but It's also so much more enjoyable. I enjoy her company so much. She's 16, if that's relevant, so we have done the hard yards. She makes my world an infinitely better place.

I think wanting a child is like wanting a motorbike: either you want one or you don't. Some people decide they want one in their twenties, others in their forties. You know if you want one and if you are in any doubt, don't have one: they cost money, make a lot of noise and require some upkeep and can be lots of fun.

My husband wanted both: 3 kids, 2 motorbikes. He'd have more motorbikes if we had more space but we are both done on the children front. Lots of men I know wanted kids and some didn't. I think most people know which category they fall into. If you are in any doubt, don't have children. They deserve to be wanted, at the very least.

I want kids because 3 years ago, almost to the day, I lost my first. A little boy, some weeks into pregnancy. I was single, and I was devastated. I want kids because I had the opportunity ripped away from me thanks to nature. I don’t actually think men want kids at all, my partners just told me he doesn’t know if he does, knowing full well I know exactly what I want out of my life. I can’t understand why people do that, but people are people. I want what I can’t have, and what everyone else has.

Have you ever wanted anything? It feels like that.

When I was broody, I would see a baby or a child or tbh most of all a pregnant woman, and would feel a clawing longing to hold the baby and feel it next to me, or to feel the baby inside me, or to have the child holding my hand. I used to daydream and in fact almost hallucinate a young child in pyjamas reaching up to open my bedroom doorknob and come running in for a cuddle. It’s a physical want plus an emotional awe for the strangeness and loveliness of children, their innocence and their vulnerability, their reliance on you. It’s the only relationship you’ll ever have where you are both beloved and irreplaceable to each other. A closeness that every other relationship is a pale replica of.

Did you see that BBC news clip where a young child interrupted the news presenter when he was live on air? The way she came marching into the room as if she owned it, but as a child not an adult. That state is so special, so precious. It’s such an honour to be a parent and love/nurture someone like that.

There’s a whole child free section on here. Lots of people don’t want kids.

One of the reasons some higher primates have concealed ovulation is thought to be because evolutionarily we could work out how to have sex and avoid pregnancy if it was obvious like in some animals.

You don’t want any? Great. Crack on.

It's an overwhelming biological urge.
Like sex.
Hunger.
Shelter.
Just that unlike hunger and shelter it doesn't bite everyone. Even sex, we now know, doesn't bite absolutely everyone.
But wanting children is primarily a biological urge, the rest is window dressing.

I've always wanted children ever since I was a teenager. It's hard to explain why really.

For a lot of women it’s like a primal instinct. I knew I wanted to be a mum since childhood. I don’t know why - there wasn’t a logical decision making process - I just knew that’s what I wanted.

Friends of mine have been very different. One explained she didn’t really think about kids at all, then in her 20’s she was more leaning towards not having them, and eventually in her late 30’s she swayed completely the other way and now has two kids she adores and would do anything for.

And another friend has absolutely no desire to have kids at all and is confident she won’t change her mind.

I wanted to experience the miracle of growing a baby in my body. To have my own baby to love. To watch them grow. To nurture them and mother them in my own way and parent them better than I was parented. For me there was an element of societal pressure involved too.

A friend of mine has recently broken it off with his fiancé after she made it crystal clear she doesn’t and will likely never want children. He is heartbroken but he wants to be a father (at some point). So some men obviously do want kids.

For me it was to fit into a society that has normalised having kids, female biological pull to get pregnant, babies and little kids are so cute, and to experience all the love and to give all the love and fun that I experienced in my childhood. Do all the typical family-fun activities that seem weird if you don’t have kids (like going to the zoo).

You do realise that plenty of women also don't want kids?

There are huge downsides - it is expensive, there is a lot of boring dull grunt work involved (changing nappies, feeding, washing, dressing, as they age taking them to school, collecting, ferrying to clubs,events parties), the stress of worry (physical safety, bully, social media), risk of children having special needs and the stresses that places on a family including siblings and so on.

Physically childbirth can take a huge toll on a woman - prolapses, episiotomies, caesarian is major surgery, post natal depression are just a snapshot.

The best bits of having children - the joy of a happy family, being able to offer a child a good happy secure home and raise a morally decent educated person who contributes to society, and later as an adult having a deeply loving friendship and support as you age - are NEVER guaranteed. Plenty of kids turn out vile, not always the parents fault, drug problems, fall in with a bad crowd and so on. Economic migration means they may get a job miles away or even in another county. Plenty of kids grow away from their parents.

The main reasons are subconscious I think and three fold - a desire to propagate your genes and leave a legacy; something to do to give meaning and focus to a life (for many people who have boring jobs, low income, low hopes - children can overcome that and give meaning); and the hope there will be support in old age. You could add to that for some a desire to 'join the club' of 'normal' family life - succumbing to cultural pressure.

I know plenty of women who never wanted children, plenty who fluctuated at different times in life, and women who from puberty it was all they wanted.

People vary but it is no surprise really birth rates are falling as more and more women become economically independent, don't need the financial or emotional security of a marriage and see the downsides of childbirth and child rearing.

You’d be better off ask a man really, for women I’d suggest it’s mainly hormone driven or an unexpected pregnancy! For men it might be a bit different but I wouldn’t like to speculate.

I am long past child-bearing age, but never once in my life did I think 'oooh, I'd love to have a baby.' I don't know why that piece of me was missing, but it just never occurred to me to contemplate having a child. I don't feel I missed out, and I don't regret it. So, I can't really answer your question, but you are not alone.

I'm a woman and I don't want them either. Absolutely nothing about parenting looks appealing to me.

I always knew I wanted to have children if I could. My husband felt the same way. I wouldn’t have started a relationship with somebody who didn’t want children. We both just really wanted to bring up children and have a family life with children. I don’t really get why this is so mysterious or hard to understand. I don’t find it hard to understand why other people don’t want to have children.

What a strange question for you to ask on a mainly female forum!

I'm childfree and love my life free of anyone's kid.
Same reason as asking why you don't have the urge to be a scuba diver or physics professor- zero interest, it seems awful in every possible way.
Have a vasectomy and enjoy the bliss of being childfree ☺️

People will want them for different reasons. Some, just a pure biological drive, which I'm experiencing right now but logically I know I do not want anymore children.
When I wanted the ones I have it was because I really like children so I wanted one full time. I love playing with them, watching them develop and helping them along the way with activities, I have a drive to care for them and look after them, I prefer children to adults- they are what they are and let you know what they think/want, much less complicated than dealing with the majority of adults.