I'm a man. My first thread. Help me understand children.

[DouglasMajor]

I'm a straight middle-aged man. I've been either married or in a marriage-like relationship for most of my adult life. I don't have kids and I never wanted them.

And I never quite understood, deep down, why other people want them.

Can you help me understand what makes you want kids, if you do? What's the emotion? What do you feel you're missing? What are you hoping to get? What does it mean for you to feel like "I want to have kids"? What that feeling is like?

I know there's no right answer here and there's nothing wrong with not having kids. I just never quite understood what it's like to want to have kids, and I'd love to understand others' experience.

I think most men in developed countries don't want kids, they just kind of accept that if they want a woman that she'll want kids and so they have them on that basis.

Why is it men online who are actively pushing an agenda that women should be having more children? I mean obviously you can see that that particular brand of men want children as a status thing rather than to actually parent them but definitely the pushback against the population decline is coming largely from men.

I don’t think when women have choices that they have as many children. It seems to be a worldwide phenomenon.

I just thought having kids would be really interesting and it has been!

I wanted children because I had an overwhelming deep emotional all consuming urge .

My husband sort wanted them some day when the time was right but was happy to go along with me.

good question. I’m not sure why I wanted them, but I can tell you they are the absolute best thing in the world. I love my own children like no love I will ever otherwise know. Their happiness means more to me than mine, although of course if they’re happy, I am too.

Theres nothing wrong with not wanting kids plenty of men and women feel similar to you.

I love kids , love my mates kids. Borrowed them when we were struggling to have them. Spent years trying to have them and eventually has two boys.

Life was good before we did a lot together. Life with kids only enhanced that. Loved every minute of it . Looking forward to the rest .

Honestly, in part because I was sick of work and wanted to go on maternity leave. Then I had them and wished I were younger so I could have had more.

I never wanted them. I went through a brief phase of thinking I wanted them in my mid twenties, but in hindsight that was more about wanting to be “normal” and wanting to hit all the major life milestones that a person is supposed to hit. Luckily I realised my true feelings before I made an irreversible decision. Not having children was the best decision I ever made. Better than all my other good decisions put together.

I think for most of us it's just about having your own family. Spending time with one another and seeing some of you (the younger generation) develop, grow and share memories and traditions with. E.g. Christmas, Halloween, memories on holiday etc. it's not necessary for a happy life as you can find the same fulfilment in other (less expensive and tiring) things but for many people it's a source of joy/contentment..it also makes people still feel relevant as they get older as they're directly connected to the next generation. Having said that, I do think the modern world especially in the UK is quite hostile to family life and child rearing.

Humans, like every other living organism on the planet, are programmed to reproduce. Not everyone wants to or can but enough do so that the human race perpetuates.

That's it really.

Seriously mate, have you heard of Google? Why is it our job to teach you? Why not be curious with a friend or others? Or do you think that any woman, known to you or not, should be falling over herself to be your teacher and therefore you saw ‘mumsnet’ and thought ‘oh, free labour!’ Or, more likely, is this a thread where you let people post and then come back to tell us why we’re all wrong?

Want children, don’t want children. Either is fine.

I have to disagree as it was my DH that first brought up children…

I can’t speak from a male perspective as to why they want kids, but as a mother they complete you.

I wonder why there's a fair few women who don't want children too? That's rising too isn't it, with cost of living.
I don't think it's overwhelming biological urge.

For women I think for many being a Mum is a natural want that kicks in early. For others it's biology.

I was adamant I didn't want kids until I was 36 and then my body did what it's designed to - make me yearn for them for the sake of the species.

It's pure hormones.

Same with having a baby and immediately 'falling in love' with it - it's not love, it's millions of years of evolution manifesting in a rush of hormones that ensure you don't leave your kid under a bush and go to the pub.

There's nothing like Motherhood to remind us we're animals!

For men, though? I'd argue a want to pass on their genes, for the large part. For others with good familial relationships a mix of expectation and a want to have a father-child relationship.

What I will say is, on the other side of having kids, people aren't lying when they say it's the best thing they ever did.

People want (or don't want) children for many different reasons. If they have children they sometime realise they preferred their life more before and sometimes they enjoy life with children far more than they thought they would. Some people are quite happy without children, some wish they had had the opportunity to have children but throw themselves into their nieces and nephews or a job that involves working with children or something else completely unrelated. But basically raising children is, for most people, a very rewarding experience that is relatively easy to start (if not so easy to do well consistently over the two decades it takes before they become adults).

Because it’ seems like a miracle that two adults can create a whole new person between them - a new family member that will often bring joy to lots of people.

Because it’s great seeing you or family you've loved and lost in another person’s wee face.

Because it’s exciting seeing ( and being partly responsible for) the development of a human being through all the stages to adult life.

Because it’s an amazing experience to feel complete unconditional love.

Because it is a lot of fun as well as hard work.

Because it gives you a stake in the future - and it really helps to have a small loved dependent when you lose your own parent.

Because some people like and enjoy the company of children and find them funny, sweet, original and amazing.

I don’t know if these are reasons or just nice things about having them. I was never broody or sure sure. But I had the best time.

Yes very strange.

I never wanted kids and my husband did. He described it as wanting a job basically. Like when you just know you want to be an atronaut, or a train driver. You imagine yourself doing the job and imagine it being a satisfying and enjoyable thing. Like my husband imagined himself doing bedtime or going to sports days or playing dens with his imaginary kids and those being satisfying, fun, rewarding things and himself being satisfied in that job.

Challenge was for me I imagined the same things and them all seeming really dull and not at all how I wanted to spend my time. Just like my best mate is a nurse and loves her job. I'd hate being a nurse. But she'd hate having an office job, which I love. Takes all sorts right.

Of course the reality when we had children was quite different for both of us. He found many parts of the job much harder than he'd imagined and whilst all the things that I thought I'd find boring and hard I did / do, there are loads of bits I hadn't imagined which are awesome.

Why? If I was a man and wanted to know the opinion of women on parenthood I imagine a website called 'mumsnet' would be a good place to start?

My read is the OP is asking from a place of genuinely wanting to gain insight.

Oooh I'm not sure I agree with this men are from mars women are from Venus generalization. I think men are not 'supposed' to say they love / want kids and women are supposed to say they do.

In my group of friends - close ones who would be honest about it - I'd say it's pretty even, obviously the best matched couples either both wanted kids or both didn't, out of the ones where there was a difference of opinion I'd say it's actually more often the women who don't want them. I know more women who are intentionally child-free then men (ie: the men I know who are childfree it's mostly circumstances of infertility or not meeting the right person).

And that kind of makes sense given it tends to be the women who do the lion's share of the work.

I think my father just wanted to pass on his precious genes. He thought childless people were "failures as human beings". My parents had four children and he got fed up with the lack of freedom and my mother was left as a single parent.

I think less men than women truly want children. For us it is more of a biological urge, often coming with ageing and knowing you might not be able to do it anymore. My husband and I talked extensively over the years about wanting children as we tried to figure out if we were right for each other. His answer was always that he just didn't know. When we had our first child, that massively flipped, weirdly I think he's a better parent than I am.

My DH didn’t want kids, a fact he only disclosed to me when we’d been together 5 years and were due to be married. It was a dealbreaker for me, and I called off the wedding.

We worked through the issues together, and for him a lot was tied up in his own childhood (which was abusive) and also fear - fear that a baby may have something wrong or die, fear of such a heavy responsibility for another person’s life, fear of being trapped in a neverending cycle of providing for dependents.

But I think there was also an element of what you’re describing - why? Why bother? We’re happy, what’s the point of complicating things? And he was massively driven and career-focussed at the time and didn’t really want to be diverted from that.

Men don’t really have the same biological imperative to reproduce. For them, fucking is often tied purely to pleasure, whereas for a lot of women having a child is a visceral drive that gets stronger the older you get - and I say this as an ambitious woman who’s never been a baby cuddler or particularly interested in (or, if I’m being honest, tolerant of) other people’s children.

But my own kids are the genuinely the greatest joy and achievement of my life, and I know DH would say the same. Children can be life’s greatest gift, but they’re also life’s greatest gamble. You have to be incredibly optimistic to walk that path, because unfortunately it’s impossible to know whether you’re cut out for parenthood (which, frankly, is fucking hard yards) until you’re actually in it. And at that point it’s a bit late to say, welp, I gave that a go and it just wasn’t for me …

It wasn't a choice. It was a deep seated biological urge that is stronger than anything else I have ever experienced. A need, not a want. They are hard work, birthb isn't pleasant and the first few weeks are akin to torture. But I would do it again in a heartbeat, and if my DH hadn't been on board he wouldn't have been my DH.

Why are you asking?
I grew up just knowing that I wanted children
For me I wouldn't feel my life was worthwhile without children. I know not everyone thinks this way but it was a very strong emotional pull for me . I needed a stake in the future and to know that after i die a part of me will remain. It's not logical it's just how I felt
Immediately after I had my first child I said I would never have another because the birth was so traumatic but I did because very soon after she was born although I still remembered the pain n great detail it just doesn't seem important anymore. I would have endured the same pain again 10 times over for my child it's a love that is deeper than anything else I had ever experienced. So a couple of years later I had our second child.

I felt like you. Dh really wanted them, but was OK not to have them if I didn't. Which worked, as we were told we would never conceive unassisted, so that was a problem off the table.

Until we did conceive. And given how over the moon dh was, I didn't want to terminate.

Now my children (who are grown up) are the single most important thing in my entire existence and I cannot imagine not having had them. They are the most interesting, kind, fun people I have ever met, and spending time with them is my absolute favourite thing to do in the whole world.

I didn't love the baby stage (neither of them slept through until they were 4!) but when I do something I do it properly dammit, so I gave them my all and boy did they repay it. Every single year was better for me, I loved seeing the amazing people they are gradually emerge and now I am loving seeing them develop and flourish in the world.

Words cannot describe how rewarding it is.