How do I handle my daughter's aggressive younger cousin?

[Dinosauru]

My daughter has just turned 3, she's a pleasant girl but does have tantrums as you would expect. She has a cousin 3 months younger who is a nightmare. She isn't good at sharing her toys and he deliberately takes her toys and laughs in her face. If she wants a toy he has, she'll cry about it but if he wants a toy she has, he will hit her, kick, bite and push her over. Even if there's no toy involved he won't play or even walk nicely with her, he will push and pull her, hit her and finds it funny.

He has always been well ahead of her in his development in talking, walking etc and he's 3 kilos heavier. So he's physically much stronger and has hurt my daughter a number of times. It's really unpleasant to witness and I don't think my daughter likes him. She doesn't really have enough language to tell me how she feels. I don't really want her to spend time around him because I don't want her to get hurt or pick up bad behaviour.

It's totally uncomfortable whenever we see him because he is constantly being told off for his bad behaviour and everyone praises my daughter for being a comparable angel. She can be very hard work sometimes but she's lovely compared to her cousin.

What on earth do I do? I don’t want to be rude to my partners family but I find it so stressful to be around him because he will hurt my daughter or me. Should I speak to his Mum about it? I don’t want to upset her.

One, I would be avoiding occasions where he is present and suck up the shouting from DP’s family.

Two, if I really had to attend an occasion, I would helicopter to the max and every time he approached, I would divert him or pick up my own child.

Three. WTF is your partner - your daughter’s FATHER - doing to enable and ensure his daughter is safe and having a nice time? So many times, a man doesn’t put himself out until he has been put out. You need to make him so uncomfortable that soothing you is easier than soothing his family. Sadly.

Doesn't sound like it's much fun for anyone when they are together so keep them apart as much as possible. If they are in the same space they need close supervision. You and your DH both need to support your DD but it's not helpful for either child to be labelled like this. They need at least one adult involved, playing with them and modelling healthy interactions. Hopefully all four parents can help.

if he wants a toy she has, he will hit her, kick, bite and push her over. Even if there's no toy involved he won't play or even walk nicely with her, he will push and pull her, hit her and finds it funny

You need to protect your dd by stopping her having to see him. You can't let your dd carry on being hurt like this

They can see each other once he has learned not to lash out. It's not your dd's job to help him learn this but his parents'. She's not his punching bag.

Personally I would just be stuck right to her when they are together, close enough to interject as soon as anything physical happens.

My son had a cousin who used to get a bit rough (he has since grown out of it, as I'm sure will happen in your case as well) and when they were together, I just didn't let him get away from me. No need to cause a family drama or create a big issue about it, because they are only 3. Most kids grow out of it, and you will likely find that in short time, it all stops.

Obviously if it doesn't...

I would step back from this relationship and try to see them as little as possible.

If you do have to see them at a family event, I'd stay right next to your DD and prevent any hitting or pushing.

I wouldn't talk to your partner's sister about it personally as she will probably get defensive about her son. Your partner could talk to her if he wants to.

Why would your daughter like someone who is kicking biting hurting her all the time?

Why aren't you protecting your daughter?

It seems like you're putting everyone else's feelings above your daughters as she is just absorbing abuse from this brat

I have a cousin like this, and it continued until I was 10ish (and he’s still a twat).

Please, please just keep them apart.

Where are his parents when all this is going on?

We have lots of cousins in our family (4 siblings, multiple kids each) the agreement is that you treat them like your own if you're responsible for them at any stage (e.g. looking after them away from their parents, or even a family gathering, parents are there but you're the one supervising the kids) and that includes managing behaviour if necessary.

Protecting a child from being hurt is more important than adult feelings. There's no enjoyment for your dd in playing with someone who hits/kicks/bites/pushes her over. Just stop them playing together until he learns not to lash out

I had a kid who was aggressive like this (later dx'ed with ASD). What we did to manage it was to shadow them the whole time.

They are a delightful adult now but their childhood was not easy.

everyone praises my daughter for being a comparable angel. She can be very hard work sometimes but she's lovely compared to her cousin.
Obviously he has to be told off when he is naughty but I think ^ might be making the problem worse.

If I was a three year old little boy and was constantly being told off while everyone was praising my cousin, I think I would bite her too.

If cutting back on the praise will make your daughter more hard work maybe the children shouldn't play together until he is old enough to know how to regulate his emotions and reactions.

Your first priority is to your daughter.

Keep her away from the cousin. Avoid going to places where he’ll be there. You don’t need to talk to the cousin’s parents about it. If you have to be there, act the same way you would if you knew there was a known violent criminal in the room with her - keep her away. Remain physically between them at all points. Never give him the opportunity to decide to attack her or not - don’t ever let him close enough to her to be physically able to do so. And keep her out of these toxic situations as much as possible. The same way you’d keep her away from a violent offender.

You can spend more time with their family again when/if he grows out of it.

Wow, thank you for all these messages. I do keep them apart as much as I can but I worried that I was over reacting. They don't actually see each other very often and my partner's family tend to put it down to him being a boy. But his behaviour is extreme? Most boys or toddlers in general are not like this? I can’t thank you enough for your responses because it's so hard to be objective.

It is definitely not down to him being a boy. I have a boy who has never behaved in this manner, who has lots of little friends I have never seen behave in this manner.

It is just this child’s personality. What are his parents doing when he is hitting your daughter? What is their response?

You can't call a baby a brat FFS.

The parents are useless if they are allowing this to keep happening, that's ALL of the parents involved.

What's the point talking to his mother when she clearly knows it's happening? Stop putting your child in this situation.

One of my DSs was like this. Now diagnosed with autism and ADHD. It was very hard parenting him.
If we told him off he got worse and worse. Praising the good behaviour and ignoring the bad was the only thing that worked.
For your DD it might be worth avoiding them until he is older and can regulate better. If anyone says anything to your SIL (and BIL if he is around) it should be your husband and i would recommend do it in a positive concerned way. Rather than criticism. They probably are in pieces about it already.

He's three. He's not a brat or a monster. He's a tiny child whose parents aren't setting boundaries. It's not his fault.

Just don't spend time with them for now. Your daughter deserves your protection.

"While X is going through this biting phase we'd rather keep the toddlers apart."

Avoid meet ups. Get your partner to speak to her about behaviour. Monitored closely when they are together and advocate for her

Supervision. You sit on the floor with them and be ready to get your arm between them. You will need to watch him rather than your DD, as you want to watch the energy and mood shift before he winds up to snatch/grab/push.

Playing with him would work as well. It will keep him away from your DD and help him learn better behaviours.

They do discipline him by telling him off, sometimes he cries about it but there doesn't seem to be any consequences for him. I get the impression that they are completely overwhelmed and have no idea what to do.

Sadly, my eldest daughter was like this at his age. You can protect your dd and his parents need to be very vigilant but there is not much you can do to make him not want to act this way. It doesn’t mean he’s destined to grow up evil or that his parents are doing a bad job.
My daughter was very compulsive and loved the reaction she got out of other children and the drama it created. She was diagnosed with adhd and autism at 14.
We couldn’t keep her seperate from other children forever but learnt that she needed to be outdoors doing physical activities like climbing, gymnastics and skateboarding (not team sports!) which helped build her self esteem and putting her in social situations where she wasn’t compatible was actually doing more damage than good.
my youngest was the complete opposite. Very gentle and sociable which caused a lot of problems as we couldn’t keep them apart all the time.

You can’t overreact to someone hurting your very young child, even if the person is another young child! I wouldn’t meet up with them for a while and if/when you do again watch them like a hawk and intervene immediately before he gets to hurt her. Fuck anyone else’s feelings, your child’s safety and happiness matter more and it’s literally your job to keep her safe.

Don't allow anyone to hurt your child. See the cousin the absolute bare minimum you can. Helicopter parent the entire time they are together so you are ready to protect your child. Tag team with your partner so your daughter is never alone. Keep them as separate as possible, opposite ends of the table etc.

We have a family member like the cousin and this works for us. Nothing we say will change their behaviour but we have to prioritise our child's safety over the parents feelings. Also, make sure your child knows that it is not ok for the cousin to be treating her that way, don't want her growing up thinking she just needs to ignore it.