Returning to full-time work and struggling with nursery mum guilt

[Rainydew]

Sadly I have to go back to work FT ( can’t go back PT. Would need to change jobs) which means my x2 DCs (3 and 13m) will need to go to nursery Mon to Fri. The mum guilt is high and I al struggling to cope. I keep crying about it and my MH is taking a hit. Wish I was determined to be a SAHM but I can’t see myself depending on DH financially - I have always worked and so has my mum so I just can’t bring myself to do it. Trying my best to find PT roles but not getting anywhere

Your kids will be absolutely fine, just as thousands of other kids are.
You will be using your skills, setting them a good example, keeping your pension up to date and basically doing what adults do.
The anticipation is the worst. Once you are there you will be fine. Trust me you won’t be pining a few months in.

@Floppyearedlab thank you. Your words mean a lot. Hug.

I struggled so much in the beginning. I think I cried every day for 2 months. It was truly heartbreaking, especially the settling week. But my child is great at nursery now. That first month will be devastating and I recommend not starting work simultaneously with nursery starting as you will not be able to work. I literally just went to a park and sat on a bench and cried for hours. I know this sounds intense and not every mom is this sentitive. I think I was the extreme example. But even with that, both me and my child got used to it and I am 100% comfortable with him being there and I see he is very happy. After long weekends, he still cries sometimes on mondays and sometimes i cry too haha. But overall, he is doing great. One thing to prepare yourself for is that your children will be sick a lot for the first 6 months. It will be hard but after that, it will all get much easier. In a way, it's a great life skill to teach your kids, as you teach them healthy attachment in relationships: mommy goes away but she always comes back :)

Why are you feeling guilty about it?

I also recommend going back to work gradually. At first, I stayed home for 2 weeks while my child settled and only left him there for a couple of hours to gratually increasing his time there. Then I went to work 3 days a week. And now I only work 4 days a week. Work is very understanding. Might be worth it talking to them about a part-time arrangement, at least for the first months. Most people understand. I know that it's not always possible for all, but if it is, it might be worth exploring it with your employer.

@contentsmayb thank you. 100% agree with all you have said. I experienced it with my 1st and was same as you, only finding it way harder this time since I have to go back FT. Completely agree on the attachment front though. I think it’s a great opportunity to become more confident etc but 5 fully days? Ugh. Struggling to swallow that one.

@MidnightPatrol feeling guilty because the money is not needed as such. I am ultimately doing this for my financial independence, skillset and pension. I however feel bad for doing this and at the same time will be disrupting their routine and spending so little time with them. I am the only mum in our social circle who works full time

If the money is not needed I definitely wouldn’t be working fulltime, youll
never get that time back and can make up pension pots another time, I’d value time over money with my kids any day.

@dollyblue01 Agreed with you. Sadly my work won’t let me go PT at all. So I am stuck trying to find another job in the meantime. It’s sad.

I wish I'd worked more when my DD was younger. But at the time the idea made me feel so guilty as we had absolutely no family support (Dd is 8 and had never been babysat, her first night away from either me or her dad was a school residential).

It's only as she has got older and I've looked around at friends and colleagues and realised that they have only managed due to vast amounts of unpaid family support which they haven't felt guilty for using, they weren't spending every walking moment with their children.

It takes a village to raise a child, some of us just have to buy in that village in the form of Nursery.

OP can you stagger your return with accrued AL? I would probably look at doing that, and then keep job hunting for something PT as well, if you would like to. I went back 4 days a week and really like the balance, but when I was looking for a new job a couple of years ago I found it really hard to find anything that would let me do 4 days, so in the end stayed where I am. If you can stagger your return with AL for a few months, and show you can do the work in just 4 days, maybe they would be more amenable to a flexible working request to drop down?

Respectfully, OP, you’re choosing to feel guilty. Choose not to. You’re making the right decision, as you’re well aware. The children will flourish, and you are supporting them, which is, after all, a key aspect of parenthood.

Also OP if you can afford to be part time then you can afford to use statutory unpaid parental leave, which is a massively under utilised scheme. It is statutory so legally your employer can only push back against it for 6 months then they have to grant it.

I hear you OP. I’ve always worked FT since having both children, also a personal rather than financial decision.

If it’s not a financial decision can you afford a nanny rather than nursery? This gives much more flexibility around work, illness etc. or a combination of nursery and a nanny?

This. I bet your DH doesn’t feel any guilt whatsoever, and he’s equally their parent.

I wonder if there are similar comments on the Dadsnet board…….

@ItTook9Years DH has no guilt and also tells me I should not feel guilty for my choice. He also doesn’t mind me not working. He’s just chill about everything though 😅

@Periperi2025 thank you, I will explore this!

@SlightlyAjar I will try repeat your comment in my head daily 😁 thank you

If they won't consider part-time, it might be worth re-evaluating that job anyway. As you will need A LOT of flexibility due to various illnesses, vaccinations, early pickups, school events, etc etc. Companies that are this inflexible honestly sound dated and supporting women and families.....

Try not to feel guilty OP. I was in childcare 5 days a week I have no ill feelings or resentment towards my mum and we are pretty close now. A PT role will come up eventually x

I think with these things the worry is worse than the reality. My youngest had to go to nursery full time, he’s a well adjusted, happy teenager (yes a happy teenager!) now. His older brother never had to go to childcare full time, honestly you wouldn’t be able to pick out between them looking at them (or our relationships) which went to nursery full time and which had me most of the time.

I work FT went back when both were around 10/11 months old (they are now 7 and 4).

Honestly it's about quality and family time is very protected in our house. Being organised is key we eat dinner together pretty much every night. Mornings before school/nursery is about play time (I have early risers) with all things done the night before like bags packed etc.
We do bedtime together, sit and read books etc.
My children absolutely loved/love nursery and are happy and confident.

Don't feel guilty most men wouldn't!

@contentsmayb I know, right? That’s why I am looking for something new. I feel a woman shouldn’t have to choose between her career vs raising kids in 2026?!

@Roomonthe3rdfloor that’s lovely x

@klicedyklack haha that’s very reassuring. Thank you x

@Scottishskifun on board with you on that. Thankfully I WFH so I get some much done and then everything is about them when they are home.

I am feeling so much better reading your comments. Thank you all. This is so mentally and spiritually comforting

The idea that you really could identify which had been to nursery, and which had been at home, but the time they are teenagers - is mad really anyway, isn’t it?

They will be cared for in nursery, they will have fun, they will spend evenings, weekends and holidays with their families. It’s not a form of neglect which will leave lasting scars on the child.

Why do we assume it’s always mum that has to deal with all of that? Both DH and I have always worked full time: DH has mainly WFH for about 14 years and I was working out of the house full time until I changed roles after Covid. He’s done the vast majority of sick days, doctors appts, etc and we’ve both done sports days and concerts etc.

I’d suggest that supporting (and expecting) fathers to be equal parents would have the biggest positive impact on women and their families.

You are thinking ahead, to your pension and your future work self. Don't feel guilty. Children need that socialisation that nursery brings. I've always worked, and my kids are fine. Yours will be too!

Yeah that’s kinda my point. It’s such a big deal at this age, but as they get older…can you really tell? I know some people will say you can, but I think so long as the care has been good (which I’m sure it is most of the time in the UK!) those foundational attachments and developments are made.