Ex did not tell me his partner had already moved in

[ZingyBalonz]

My ex had told me his new partner was moving in with him and my 5yr old DD (we are 50/50) and I was fine with that (not met the GF yet as have had a LOT of traumatic events in the last two years and it not the right time) my Mum recently passed away, about two months ago and I picked up DD from school last Monday and was told the GF had already moved in and he hadn’t told me. I’m furious. I don’t know how long she’s been there for but his response was ‘Well now you know’

Kindly OP, it is none of your business and you need to focus on your life and not his. He doesn’t owe you an explanation for his every move.

So sorry for the loss of your mum. Please focus on processing this rather than policing your ex. Grief makes us behave irrationally.

What is it that you’re upset about?

You have the right to feel upset and disrespected however he doesn’t have to ask your permission and legally you have absolutely no say in what happens in his home as long as your daughter is safe, so there really isn’t any point in getting upset. My ex introduced a girlfriend and her child and moved in with her before I knew she existed and then they broke up soon after all living together and he made a plan to move out and I only found out about this as a nursery teacher told me he’d mentioned he was moving. Who knows who he’s living with now!

If you had a sibling move in to stay for a while or got an au pair or a lodger would you clear it with him first

But you said you were fine with it. If you're fine with it then what does it matter if it was a bit earlier?

Sorry for your loss with you mum passing - I know what that is like

but with all due respect he doesn’t have you ask your permission.

his house,
his life,
his decision

he did say they would be he’s not going to test to say “is it ok for Mary to move in next Tuesday” is he?

as long as his girlfriend is nice and kind to your child - that’s your only concern here.

I'm sorry to hear about your Mum 🌷

but in 2 years you've had 5 minutes to meet her if you'd wanted to.

is she nice to your DD, that's ALL that matters. You know she exists. You knew she was moving in, It doesn't matter if she moved in already.

Well I would be upset. I really think it would be important to meet someone who is going to be living with and taking care of your daughter in advance.

I understand how awkward a meeting it is, and if you didn’t like her or got weird ‘vibes’ there would be nothing you can do.

But for your ex to not have a proper conversation with you and to say ‘now you know’ was disrespectful and dismissive. He was cowardly and selfish.

I’m confused. The first sentence is that he told you and just you were fine. So, we do you say that he didn’t tell you and you’re angry?

Just to clarify, I knew it was happening but apparently she has been there for some time. I feel I should know of another adult has moved in. And yes I absolutely would tell him if someone moved into my place the second it happened- because it’s massively disrespectful not too and how does not telling me facilitate a healthy Co-parenting arrangement? Honesty and trust are so important but I guess we just have different values 🤷🏼‍♀️

I think this bit…not met the GF yet as have had a LOT of traumatic events in the last two years and it not the right time means you were aware of her for two years, your ex wanted to introduce you? I don’t think it’s right to expect him to put his life on pause for two years, sorry.

But if you’ve had traumatic things happen in the last few years plus your mum dying, can you access any counselling anywhere? Via the GP? I would try to talk to someone if possible, even if it’s only online.

edited - this (Honesty and trust are so important but I guess we just have different values 🤷🏼‍♀️) just sounds a bit patronising (?) or something, snide maybe? There’s nothing wrong with attempting to get your ex to meet your new girlfriend then essentially giving up because no meeting happened for two years. Or nearly two years (as you say she moved in a while ago).

Does your daughter seem okay with it? I guess so or you’d have heard about it already?

Oh no they haven’t been together for two years, it’s less than that but I feel I should be told when another adult has moved into the house - and by him, not my daughter. It’s about healthy communication and this isn’t it. It’s nothing to do with wanting him to put his life on pause at all. I honestly have had bigger fish to fry but this seems dishonest. So far she seems ok but time will tell.

I just felt very blindsided and I shouldn’t be finding out from our daughter. And honestly if I’d done the same thing nuclear was would have broken out 😂

He doesn’t really need to tell you at all. Just move on and concentrate on your own life. You don’t need to meet her either.

Yes this, plus you trusted him enough to have a child with him so I presume his judgement of step mother would be ok

wait so people actually think I could move a guy into my house with our child and not tell him?! That would be insane! I’m shocked 🤯

It is none of his business same as it is none of yours you don't need each others opinions

I think I'm more shocked why you think you need to know lol. You don't need to know his life he doesn't need to know yours. All you need to know is your both on the same page for the child

Well yes of course you could. You share a child together but that doesn't entitle you to know everything he does. You're not together anymore he doesn't need to tell you anything.

It's a moot point however, because he told you she was moving in and she's moved in. So you were infact aware it was happening.

Perhaps he would think that you were able to make the right choices in your relationships? Unless there's something you aren't saying, why would you think differently?

I understand your pov OP. However, as PP said, he isn’t obliged to. Do you normally communicate well over things? Was he being thoughtless or actively not telling you?

Your DD is young and you have a lot of communicating to do over the next 15 years or so, so major life events such as a new partner moving in should be included, IMO.

but it is always a shock when people don’t behave the way you would, especially with regards to extending courtesies and your daughters well being.

I’m sorry about your mum, all of this together sounds like you have a lot to digest.

Of course it is courteous and sensible to inform your ex of major life decisions like this. No one is disputing this.
But in terms of whether he is obliged to tell you. No he's not technically obliged to do so. And he did actually tell you he was going to do it so in fairness he did warn you.
Honestly this is probably not a hill to die on. I'd probably send him a text saying " I hear your gf has moved in. I know you don't have to, but it ss probsbly useful to let me know about this stuff in future so I can support DD in major life changes and help things go smoothly for you"

You say move a guy in like it’s some random you find on the street, this is a committed relationship and I assume your child has met her, he is an equal parent and able to make decisions on his life and his kids on his time, you are able to do the same on your time.

I would guess he felt you were going to react badly, which you have, but as he said, now you know.

‘My ex had told me his new partner was moving in with him and my 5yr old DD’

I’m confused as to why you felt blindsided? Your title is he didn’t tell you but your first sentence is he told you his partner was moving in. He didn’t have to give you exact times and dates of the move. He told you about it and that’s enough

He did tell you that she was moving in. I'm not sure that he needed to tell you any more than that.