How do I stop comparing my toddler to others? Is he unusually active or is this normal?

[hopingforapeainapod]

I have a 19 month old son who is wonderful in so many respects - he is confident, incredibly sociable and outgoing, completely fearless and very smiley. However, I can’t stop comparing him to other kids his age about the fact he literally cannot sit still. He has always been incredibly physically active - he was crawling by 8 months and walking by 10 - but he literally does not and will not stop moving. He is interested in everything - pulling open cupboards etc - and cannot remain on any activity for a couple of seconds without bouncing onto the next thing. He will read books with me at home but only if we are by ourselves and there are no other distractions. We spend a LOT of time outside but I find it impossible to do much with him - I can’t take him to shops/supermarkets as he hates being constrained in the pram, and the idea of taking him to a coffee shop or anywhere remotely ‘adult’ is laughable! I just feel envious of my friends whose babies and toddlers will sit still, or at least concentrate on something long enough to give them a bit of a break. A lot of my friends seem to have girls who just seem remarkably chilled and placid in comparison - they can take their toddler to rhyme time at the library or a music class and their children will just sit there and not be absolutely chaos. It’s made it really difficult to make mum friends because whenever I took him to baby/toddler groups I just spent the entire time chasing round after him rather than being able to talk to other parents. Because he is so active he also gets very other tired and fussy very easily, which isn’t easy for my husband and I cope with in the evenings.

I’m starting to worry that there is something ‘wrong’ with my son and feeling guilty for wishing he was ‘easier’. I’m actually pregnant again and worried about having another boy who is as energetic and easily distracted as him…

Your kid sounds quite normal for the age.

Hi OP.
I have these worries too and my ds is 3 at the end of the summer.
He is exactly how you describe. However he does focus a bit more than you are describing. He can watch a TV show but maybe not a movie.
He can read book after book at bed time and spent a small amount of time focused on one toy. He struggles with story time in a group and I left some baby groups in tears because he was the only one not able to sit and listen, was up running around picking up other peoples personal items. I also thought and still have thoughts that he might be ADHD etc. however I don't think you can tell at that age and it is also classed as normal toddler behaviour. I think alot of people will relate. I also spend a lot of time outdoors with mine and decided that different kids have different personalities and hobbies. I will go for a coffee with him but as soon as he starts to get restless I leave. He can't sit at a cafe for very long so it's just a coffee not a meal and I need endless snacks. Nursery aren't worried so I am not either right now. I try to give his mind a rest like when we are in the car keep it quiet for him to look out the window rather than music etc.

Ah OP, it’s really hard not to compare- I think it comes from a place of anxiety that everything is ok and as expected. What I will say is that it all sounds like normal toddler behaviour and I think it’s a good sign that he shows interest in all of his surroundings and seems to be naturally inquisitive. I know they say boys are more energetic and boisterous than girls but my DD who is 2 has exhibited some of the behaviours you describe. It’s hard keeping them constantly entertained and occupied but it has to be a good sign that they show such awareness of everything around them

He sounds entirely normal. My daughter is also 19 months and she is always on the go, I really don't think it's a boy thing. We occasionally go to a cafe but it's very short lived! It's also normal to compare, but try not to - it doesnt mean other parents have it easy if their child is more into sitting down. All children will also change as they grow. Having said that I am always a bit envious of parents of toddlers who sleep more than 10 hours a night...

There must be some activities that interest him. What about a little water tray or sensory things - my son loved trays of sequins and little tractors / cars to drive through, also play doh. Most kids that age are a handful - you can start teaching him no though if he is throwing etc!

@ShetlandishMum maybe, but he has lots of cousins / friends who are close in age and their temperaments seem to be very different, they do just seem to be a lot more chilled.

@Justbreathagain he will watch a 20-25 minute tv show the whole way through (eg he loves the Julia Donaldson adaptions) and he did actually watch a whole Disney movie with me the other day (beauty and the beast), but I don’t want to rely on TV / screen time as the only way to get him to sit still or calm down! I hesitate to use the word ADHD as he is still so so young but it has definitely crossed my mind before, and I totally empathise - I too have left baby groups in tears and have found it incredibly frustrating and isolating watching other mums sit down and natter away while their children play patiently…

@Goldenmimx he is definitely inquisitive! He shows lots of signs of being mentally very ‘switched on’ - he has a good vocabulary for his age, has a very good memory and absolutely nothing gets past him! So cognitively I’m not worried about him at all, but he is just physically so demanding (he is also very very big for his age) and I worry about how I’m going to cope with this as I get big and heavily pregnant..,

Mine was exactly like this. Crawling at 5 months and walking by 8. Still won't stay still at all. However he is nearly 4 and still non verbal so is waiting for assessment due to a number of other things. You've hopefully just got a very energetic toddler. Even if you wondered about ADHD there's nothing they will do until they are 6 years old so hopefully he'll have chilled a bit more by that time 😊

@babyproblems it’s not that he isn’t interested, he just isn’t interested for very long - like if I take him to a playground he will bounce between the sandpit / slide / different activities almost in like a circuit, literally spending just a few seconds on each - he’s not like other kids who will say go down the slide again and again and again. He did love the paddling pool this week in the heatwave and spent almost an hour pottering in there by himself, and he does generally like the bath - but these are exceptions!

Both my nephew and my step-nephew are like this. My mother says neither me nor my sister were. She reckons it’s a boy thing but it’s probably something about their personality.

It was absolutely exhausting even if just for a few hours so it must be tiring for you.

In doubt talk to a professional but he does sounds quite normal and healthy to me. He isn't 2 yo yet. It doesn't do him or you any good to compare him to cousins/friends - you don't watch these 24/7. It's so easy to see only what you look for.

Sorry , just a normal toddler . He's probably v bright whereas children who just sit there aren't. He will get calmer as he gets older but it's very hard at this age when you have a bright, inquisitive LO . Don't try to diagnose normal behaviour. It's not ADHD !

Very few children under 2 yo are very focused in a playground. Don't overthink.

Yep sounds like my son, who was walking at 9 months. Early walkers are a fucking nightmare. Something about their personality just makes them a menace.

We do go out to cafes and restaurants but we time it so it's his lunch or dinner time. Something crunchy things like breadsticks buys me 10- 15 minutes of a sit down coffee.

He just loves running and climbing, it's non stop.

Pretty normal for boys especially.

I did used to look at my mum.friends who had late walkers with envy too. I remember meeting with one when our babies were 12 months. Hers wasn't walking and only barely crawling. Literally just sat there playing and she was having lunch while me and DH had to take turns chasing DS who was running constantly.

On the flipside, DS was so ahead of things that he always made all the other mums worry about their own 🤣

you’ve just described my dd. I couldn’t leave her for a second as she would find something to climb. People would comment in the playground when she headed for the highest point.

i put mine in sport. Game changer. Gymnastics, swimming, dance. We did trials of everything and if she liked it signed up.

interestingly she hated football. All the little boys would line up nicely for their drills, taking it in turns to run up the field with the ball. While she hared around the field bored within the first few minutes.

I did think that was a very interesting demonstration of “it’s a boy thing” . boys can be taught to restrain themselves, follow instructions, and play quietly. When it’s football, and they need to, suddenly there’s no tolerance from parents (dads usually) for running around and the behave well.

so not a boy thing. More different expectations of how the child should behave. If I put dd in jeans and a t shirt people would automatically assume boy and start telling me about how boys had so much energy and I had my hands full, but I’d be grateful when “he” was older and I didn’t have to deal with the bitchyness.

DS2 was like this. I gave up on playgroups. We had one friend with a DS and we would go to soft play together. We swam. A lot. We went for walks in the woods, built dens, looked for leaves/sticks/birds etc. We had a friend with a dog and went dog walking together, jumped in puddles on rainy days, had several baths a day, with toys . . . He had a sandpit, and a football for playdates. Bubbles were good too. And a balloon indoors for rainy days. I always kept a packet of balloons in my pocket (I could sit on the settee and bat the balloon to him . . . .) And he loved baking together then doing the washing up together. He was very full on and probably has ADHD, but not severely. He's just finished uni and is doing ok.

I think he is doing just fine then. I only mentioned the TV to demonstrate ability to focus on something. I think we just have high energy, excitable and social children xxx

I have looked after lots of kids and some of them are more high energy than others .One of mine was very calm and focused , the other hated being restricted in anything making travelling or trying to go anywhere a nightmare . Wouldn't tolerate high chair for long either . It is exhausting and can be frustrating too as you say you see other kids sitting in shopping trolleys or in a cafe highchair . It's really just the kick of the draw I think as the same parenting draws different results .

So this. There really is early socialisation that girls are expected and encouraged to sit still whereas boys "just can't".

Thanks very much for all your replies. I know I am probably overthinking it, but I am just finding it quite isolating because I haven’t met another parent whose child matches mine in terms of energy, and so I find socialising very tricky. I will absolutely sign him up to as many sports and outdoor activities as I can - I thought about signing him up to Little Kickers football classes now he’s old enough - but he can’t really follow instructions yet so I think he will benefit much more from those activities once he’s older. I should take up swimming lessons as well because he does love being in the water. He is wonderful and leaps and bounds ahead in other respects but he is just physically very very demanding and has been honestly since he was about 6 months and suddenly refused to be held / ever sit in our lap ever again!

My DD was unusually active. She loathed the buggy - by the time she turned one she would walk everywhere. At 18 months, I remember her walking 3 miles, playing in a park, then fighting against the buggy when we turned round (buggy was necessary given we had her 3 month old brother with us, and needed to get back). She was never still, and didn’t sleep during the day from a couple of weeks old.

She remained super-active all through her school life. She had a bit of down-time her first year at university, but then hit lockdown, and her activity levels soared again. She’s now 25, and a marathon runner (3 hours, 10 seconds in this year’s London marathon - just taking the opportunity to get a boast in).

He sounds like a normal toddler. He has good concentration for his age if he can sit through a 20 minute tv program. I have two DCs, my 5 year old DD is being referred for ADHD and ASD and is completely different to my 2 year DS who I doubt has ADHD when you compare him to DD, but he doesn’t sit through a whole program yet. So your DS sounds normal to me.

Ah he sounds lovely! I have a just turned 2 1/2yr old DS and am due any day now - another boy. My little one is frankly chaos! He is into everything - he loves to explore. If I’m folding washing, he will help for 2 mins and then be off ‘helping’ elsewhere…

We only watch YouTube videos of people reading stories or sing and sign type videos, the occasional music video (he loves to copy and dance along), but he does not still while watching them… he is not interested in cartoons and absolutely wouldn’t sit still during a film!

When I went through the most recent ASQ with the HV, I was surprised to see that they ask whether little one can focus on a task or toy for 5 minutes. That is the developmental expectation for this age! It was refreshing to see, and reassuring, too.

I think there is far too much expectation on little ones to engage or occupy themselves for long periods of time. Some can and do, lots don’t. I encourage independent play, but appreciate I’ll have to duck in and out to guide after a few mins.

We do lots of building (wooden train, various blocks and bricks including jelly ones, magnetiles), sensory play (he loves squeezing, smushing, mixing, and moving things from tub to tub), reading (with voices and actions), and spend hours outside every day in all weathers (we also have a dog). He loves climbing, jumping, splashing, and carrying and moving things around, so I provide lots of safe opportunities for this.

We do brave playgroups and rhyme time activities! As long as he is not being disruptive, destructive, or getting in the way, the facilitators are always happy to see him. During rhyme time he will go under the little chairs and table, want to read books, and engage mainly with the action songs where I do the actions with him. Playgroup leaders know his name, even the staff at our local activity and soft play places know his name!
I don’t get embarrassed or feel uncomfortable. I am parenting him. I genuinely don’t notice what others are doing - my attention is always on DS, which is exhausting but normal for us.

We also go to cafes. A proper lunch or dinner is far too long for him, but we practice sitting at the table at home and tidying up after ourselves. I take lots of small, tidy toys with us and we read or play while quickly having a cake or snack. He does try and climb under the table, or get up, but I stop him every time and we do leave immediately if he isn’t listening. The cake is left. This is enough to get him to listen for 10 mins or so!

He loves being given tasks, including during activities - eg handing out instruments. He engages in his own way. This really helps us to get out and about!

He helps me with shopping etc, and if he doesn’t listen or starts running off he gets a short warning and then I do physically put him into his buggy if he doesn’t listen. I don’t care if he screams. Yes, this will be harder with a baby. But he has learned, by me not avoiding these places, that I absolutely follow through with everything - we do just go home if he runs off at a park for example.

He only just started nursery, and I am a SAHM (redundancy, and then we have been fortunate enough to be able to afford be being at home). It has been tough keeping him occupied! He also only seems to need 11hrs max sleep in 24hrs, so we don’t get much child free down time. But I wouldn’t change it!

All of my friends have girls, aside from 2 boys of a similar age who are very advanced with speech and quite chilled. I don’t compare, they are all so different! My friends do and have noticed that DS is very energetic, but when we are all together we all help each other.

As an aside, I am in my late 30’s and was at one point undergoing assessment in primary for ADHD. Assessment not completed as DM didn’t want me labelled. I have worked with children and families since graduating, and a couple of fellow professionals have politely asked if I am ND and suggested ADHD. So who knows, he and I may well be ND.

We have amazing friends, but no family/none local - people we can call on in an emergency, but aside from that, we are going it alone and I am very proud of us as a couple and as parents.

Your little one sounds fab. I know it’s tiring! But you will be fine. Embrace the chaos!

You are a bit weird trying to socialise while caring for a toddler OP, I think your expectations are totally off. All my parent friends leave toddlers at home and we all joke no one would get a word in if we brought our 2 year olds for a coffee. Maybe some can sit down quietly for a lunch with a 2 year old in tow but really most cannot.

"He also only seems to need 11hrs max sleep in 24hrs, so we don’t get much child free down time" - mine to, 19 months. It honestly blows my mind how much more downtime parents get if their child is higher sleep needs, even an hour or two more a day would make such a difference to us.

Normal boy