Advice on supporting two brothers aged 11 and 16

[missapprehensive]

NC for this and have changed some details to not be outing.

It's quite likely I'll be taking in two boys soon, aged 11 and 16. They are brothers. This will either be in the next week, in which case the eldest will be doing exams, or after exams are.over. I don't think it's permanent, at least not yet, but will be for some weeks and could be until end of summer.

They've both been through quite a lot, especially the 16 year old. But they are both really lovely boys, very polite, helpful and kind. I want them to have a nice summer, and then to help especially the 16 year old with a plan for his next steps, with my support obviously. I will help him as much as I can for as long as I can but I think helping him eventually set out on his own will be the best thing for him long term.

The younger one has some medical issues and I am looking into what I can do to help with them. There are some minor adaptations I'm doing to the house and I have asked about what support he needs such as physio - I'm waiting to hear details of what I need to do. As I understand it I won't be able to book medical appointments for him as I don't have PR but I can arrange private physio.

I suppose I'm just asking if anyone has any advice? If anyone has been in a similar situation, or can give any tips on supporting teenagers/pre teens. I have kids but my eldest is 7. I have already had conversations with my kids about what's happening, and we have space so they won't be giving up bedrooms or anything. They all get along.

I think I'm just worried I'll make a hash of it - I really want to help and make sure they are ok and supported to make good choices. I want them to blend in with my family life if possible, but I know it won't be easy for them. Any advice really welcome.

The 16 your old should already have a plan for next steps. Assuming he is at state school he should have already applied for a few courses at various (or possibly only one) colleges.

many colleges do taster days towards to end of June so if he has applied for catering or something similar he may have that.

schools are normally quite hot in making sure applications are in - so just check in with him about what has already been done.

if he is changing area and is likely to do so permanently then you may need to do new applications but most FE colleges accept applications until the first week of September.

Yes he has been accepted into college, I meant in terms of living situation. He can't really live at home - although I think the current plan is to go back there after spending the summer with me, but I'm really not sure that will happen, or should happen. If it doesn't then we need a proper plan. He can definitely stay with me but I don't know whether he will want to.

In which case that’s great.

are school aware of the situation? Presuming there is some issues at home. You may find there is some support from SS.

FE colleges are fairly used to students not being able to live at home and can often offer counselling to support the young person.

finding accommodation can be more tricky.

You are lovely.

I suggest that you chat to the older one about college and make it clear that if he would like to stay with you, he can, and you'll need to look into how he gets to college etc.

It sounds like there is massive upheaval in his life, just before or during exams. So another thing I'd say is, 'If what's going on affects your grades, don't worry about it. There's always more than one way to go for what you want in life. Just do your best, and we'll do our best to give you quiet space and nice food to keep you going during exams, then we'll take it from there.'

With the younger one, I'd try and make life as familiar as possible - layout his new bedroom similar to how his old room was laid out. Have his favourite foods around, even if it isn't what you'd usually eat. Maybe the same with soap, shampoo, laundry detergent etc too, so it smells like home.

Maybe make some very simple routines they can settle into, like telling them: Saturday mornings - give me your washing, so we can get your uniform and sports kit clean for the week ahead. Or: We have a film night on Fridays. Tell me your favourite snack and any films you'd like to see and we'll add them to the list.

That sort of small thing might help them feel like they belong to your family quite quickly, without overwhelming them.

Yes school and SS are aware, and both boys are having. Counselling.

Thank you so much that's really helpful. I'll do all of that

I think also, just be aware that they might behave badly sometimes, and that is just because of the upheaval and stress. Don't go in with harsh punishments. The 16 year old in particular might be very difficult.

I work in a secondary school and the worst behaved children/most difficult to warm to, are pretty much always those with the worst home lives.

Thank you. I will try to be as understanding as possible!

Hopeful bump 😊

Very grateful for advice so far. Just looking for tips on supporting/relating to teens and pre teens really.

Broad generalisation but I’ve always found teens talk more openly when doing something side by side - in car, going around a supermarket, walking to the shops, walking the dog etc. There’s obviously a lot of conversations that will need having so from early days I’d be setting up habits that involve you being with them in situations like that so that when issues do come up you are already use to being together - instead of “let’s sit down and talk” which can feel like pressure.

You sound amazing to be able to do what you are doing!

My only advice fwiw, is being patient, waiting and listening. Not having been in your exact situation but concur with making their bedrooms as comfortable as possible, it’s a safe space. Don’t force or pressure (it sounds like you know all this regardless), but let them know where to find you, that you’ll always have an open ear.

i wish you the best ❤️

Do not underestimate how much teen boys can eat. Have lots of stuff they can help themselves to as mine literally eats every couple of hours or so.

This is very good advice. I think if you’re used to feeding a 7 year old your food bill is going to go up.

Lots of things you can have in for them. Popcorn is good as is a Toastie maker.

Thank you so much all x

i was fostered for 8 years so a bit of a different situation and I don’t know the ins and outs of the possible trauma these kids have been through but things that helped me were basically normal things that I had never experienced like…

being asked what I liked, what I wanted to watch, what colour I like the bedroom, what I thought about things

sitting around the table at dinner time and eating and chatting about our days

on days I felt like crap and my foster parents could tell they knew I struggled to talk about stuff so instead of prying one of them would be doing the dishes or whatever and stop mid was through and say something like ‘you know what I’m fed up, it’s treat time and I’m not taking no’ then they would get us all in the car and we would go for a walk up the mountain or get a McFlurry from McDonald’s, or go throw pebbles in the river etc it was even better when it was supposed to be bedtime. It made me feel like my feelings are more important than the damn housework or getting to bed on time.

screaming minute. When annoyed we all stopped and got to scream for a full minute. Which usually went on longer as we would all end up laughing 😆

when I was about 15 onwards they treated me with extra treats like when the younger ones went to bed we would watch a 15 film that we would take turn in choosing. My foster mum hated horror movies but I’d chose horror and she would watch it and be screaming and me and my foster dad would be rolling with laughter.Which seems actually quite nasty but it showed me she would put her feelings aside for me.

bad behaviour was not punished really just talked through and made to think about what I did. However good behaviour was over the top praised like if I got a C on a test well my foster mum would blast music singing and dancing and then suggest we have to have a takeaway pizza for that C and then she would say all night long ‘wow that C’ and she would go on about it for days

when my foster parents were in the kitchen and I was in another room in earshot they would talk so positively about me and say things like ‘what a thoughtful girl she is, she not only tidied her room without asking but her teacher said she was amazing today, god she’s amazing’ or things like ‘ you’ll never guess what she said today it was so funny’ and now as an adult I realise they knew I could hear but it made me feel so welcome

They sound like such amazing people. I’m so glad you had this positive experience

They sound so lovely that your post made me cry. I am glad that in such sad and difficult circumstances you landed with really caring people who loved you .

Let's all try to do things like this for all kids we come into any kind of contact with. It sounds like you brought them much joy too, OP.

OP it depends on the circumstances, and whether or not the boys are related to you (nephews?) as to how ‘at home’ they might feel, but the suggestions so far have been great.
I haven’t taken in or fostered children , but I have teenagers and I think just surrounding the boys with warm family life, making them feel as though you feel lucky to have them there, will be comforting when they are obviously going through a lot.
I wish the elder boy the very best of luck in his exams.
Be prepared for a delayed response. Sometimes teenagers can take a long time to process things, especially if they are trying to hold everything together, and it can hit them a while later. So be watchful for either boy becoming a bit more withdrawn, changing sleeping pattern, not eating etc.

I'd say just be flexible with everything and see what they usually do to start with -
eat together? different times? in front of the TV? round the table?
What time is their bedtime?

Ask as much as you can and try to fit into their routines...then slowly adapt them to yours a bit piece by piece if there are things that you think need changing.

This is wonderful of you

dont forget, however big and grown up they may seem, they are still little boys. This may sound odd - but I would buy them loads of Lego sets. When my 16 year old is feeling delicate and processing things - doing practical stuff in the garden or building Lego is great to get him to relax and clear his mind

This is true. I used to roast a chicken and leave it in the fridge for DC to help themselves whenever they wanted. It cost about £3 (probably more like £5 these days) Way cheaper and healthier than loads of processed snacks and they are growing, so they need the protein. Loaf of bread and help-yourself fridge chicken. Peanut butter too for PBJs.

16 and 11 are quite different ages so try and do things with them individually too, if you can, as well as together. Someone else said and I completely agree that going on walks is a brilliant way to chat - me and my 16 year old try and do an evening walk a few times a week.
For exams, it's tiny stuff like having enough pens, and does their school let them come home if they only have a morning exam - how will he get around? Logistics of lifts, seeing friends etc is tricky but I have a kind of breezy "sure we can pick up your friend" approach or mine wouldn't do much! (We are very rural so he relies on lifts).
And they eat four Penguins at a time and drink PINTS of milk!! Good luck, they are lucky to have you.

This is honestly one of the loveliest things I’ve read on MN and should be a lesson to us all on how to treat children, no matter who they are, blood relatives or not.