Choosing guardians for our son: family or close friends?

[Sazzlebear]

Who do people normally name as guardians of their LOs in case the unthinkable happens? I would have liked our DS (2) to stay with family, but not sure it is the best choice for him. Our options are the following:
My single brother (26, financial advisor) lives 2 hours from where we currently live, round the corner from my mother so would have some local support. Has had little exposure to small children so would be a learning curve, but my son does love him and sees him monthly. He currently lives in a 2 bed flat.
My husbands brother and sister in law (29, post-doc and computer scientist) who currently live in Florida. Really want children and are fully prepared to raise one or more. Main issue here is they are not in the UK and cannot guarantee where they will be living over the next 5-10 years.
Our old friends (31, teacher and marketing associate) who are a gay couple we have known for 14 years and also see our son monthly. They are around 40 mins from us so could faesibly relocate so son wouldn’t have to move nursery/school as he’s older. They have some small children in their extended family and are also very good with DS. They are married and own a 3 bed house.

If I were pushed to take all blood aside and purely focus on which home I would put a child in, I would say our friends. My mother would be absolutely heartbroken if they were to be the named guardians, but I have doubts about my brother as a guardian as he’s alone, enjoys his job and social life a great deal and does not live in the best area and is not willing to uproot his life for our son’s school/nursery. Is it true that blood is thicker than water here? Are there drawbacks to naming legal guardians in our will outside of family? I’ve not considered either of our parents, mainly due to age, although they’d be happy to help out however needed.

the only other consideration is my son (if we were to both die) would inherit an estate worth around £1 million, which would be managed by my brother and my BIL in a trust until my son comes of age.

DH and I are both healthy so risk of needing this is very small.

Do you think your friends would even want to take them in? It’s a HUGE ask and big difference between being the fun godfather type figure to completing upending your life to move house and take on unrelated children, especially if they don’t have any of their own.

Just look at the threads here where relatives have had to take on children and the uncertainty people even have there.

Could you select your mother at this stage and rethink as she gets older?

I would choose your mum. She loves him and it wouldn't turn her life upside down. Your brother can step in as much as he can. Better to have the love from an older relative than someone that is grudgingly bringing up a child they didn't plan to have.

It’s advised not to name your own parents. We choose friends who are relatively local and have the same age child. Wasnt any decent alternative for us though.

At the end of the day this is your child's life and you can't name someone as his guardian just to appease your mother - that's bonkers!

In your shoes I'd go for the friends - mainly because that's clearly what your gut is telling you, you know them well and know their set up. The other two options are far from ideal and presumably your mum would be more devastated if your son were to move to Florida. Your 26 y/o brother sounds like a no-go - he's young, has no ties, and will likely want to live life on his terms for quite a while.

Obviously you need to talk to your friends and make sure they are actually happy to be named.

You can always name them as no.1 choice and someone else as a back-up. That is what we have done.

It makes no odds as to whether it's friends or family as long as it's someone you trust.

Should anything happen me or dh we discussed and parents named first then my siblings in order...Yes they some would have to make life changes but they knew and discussed it for a while before agreeing saying there's no way they wouldn't take in there nephews and nieces

How old is your mother? Supposing the person you name as guardian actually adopts him, you will want them to be fit and healthy for years to come. Supposing the unthinkable happened in a couple of years... Your kid is 4. Will your mother be ok in 10-14-20 years to be parenting a teen? To be advising on University choices? To be grandmother (great-grandmother) to her adopted child's children, who are really her great grandchildren? We're 44 and lost my mum mid 30s my dad early 40s and now MIL has cancer in her 70s and FIL is 80 and not in the best of health. You don't want you kid to lose his real parents in childhood and then be handling caring for his elderly adoptive parents at 20, and do marriage, kids, career choices, graduation with no parents.

Pick your brother, and change to BIL if they move home. Your brother loves you & your son, and has a family support network to offer. Your friends are no doubt brilliant with kids, but there's a sense of belonging that comes alongside the family bond.

Have any of these people actually agreed to this unlikely but momentous ask? Is it assumed they'll all be clammering for your little darling and willing to uproot their lives to accomodate him? Hopefully the person whose job, income and lifestyle you consider to be good enough will be the lucky winner!

How old is your Mum and is she in good health? If all ok would probably name her and revisit if she does get any health problems. Her with your brother close by would be my choice.

Have you discussed this with any of the people under consideration? If you haven’t, you’re making a lot of assumptions about their lifestyle.

Ruling people out based on how many bedrooms they have now, how far from your current home they are now or whether they live in a good area now, whether they have other children in their lives now, what their job is now, whether they are single or in a relationship now - all of these things will change over the years so you can’t really factor in. Most people enjoy a good social life before they have children.

The reality is that if both you and your partner die, your child will need to be with someone he feels safe with. A friend of mine took on her two teenage grandchildren age 70 after her daughter/their mother died. She was the oldest of the choice options, but she was the one the children felt closest too and safest with.

Whoever you chose to name as a preference now, make sure you review your choice as the years pass to make sure you are still happy with that choice in 5, 10, years.

This is such a nasty reply and unnecessary. Of course when making this decision you need to consider the circumstances of the people you intend to ask - their job will impact ability to relocate if need be; their income will impact eg whether they will be able to cope if delays with probate; their life stage is relevant to the kind of life they would give your DC if the worst happened.

And yes of course they need to be asked and agree, but not much point asking someone if it actually wouldn’t work out.

We’ve had very similar thought processes as we don’t live near any family but have built up a good “village” for our kids near home. Overall id rather they went to family but appreciate that would mean completely upending their life and everything they’ve ever known. We are however choosing that option. And hope that it is never needed.

You want someone sensible. Someone who'll put DC first and think about their welfare and education at whatever age they are.
I knew a teenage boy who lived with his best friends parents after his parents sudden death. It kept him somewhere familiar, and avoided moving countries and education systems to go and live with relatives he hardly knew. What works for a toddler won't apply to a teenager, so sensible thinkers win here.

We are immigrants so there’s no family option if we want them to stay in their own country. So it’s our good friends. They have two similar aged kids and live a few blocks away. We don’t align in all aspects of parenting but our kids are 9 and 13 now so it’s not a several decades issue. My daughter is autistic and is very, very settled in her school - just a few years left now.

In your scenario I’d name your mum and both brothers and they can all decide what’s best if needed. Maybe your brother will have grown up a bit by then, maybe your other brother will move back to the uk, maybe… who knows what else. I’d put it in place that whoever takes over as guardian can live in your home until your child is out of the house so then it’s all set up for them just in case.

We were named as guardians for our friends' (now adult) child. The grandparents would have been too old. The child's uncle & aunt were considered, but they had young kids of their own, and it was felt a 3rd child would be too much. Also, our friends felt that we had the "right" approach to things like education and discipline (ie most in line with their own).
There was due to be a separate Trust to manage the money, the Trustees being me, the uncle and a 3rd party (another friend) - that would have added some checks and balances, plus additional input.
It was a great honour to be asked, but we were very conscious of the responsibility. Whoever you do ask, discuss it carefully with them. Consider a Trust. Speak to a solicitor .

I would choose family. Friendships come and go over time

My brother sees my son infrequently. Probably twice a year for a week in the uk and 2/3 weeks in France but all at one time because my brother lives in France and we in the uk. We go there once and he comes here once. My son and brother speak on the phone. My brother is in a long term same sex relationship and loves children but they don’t want any of their own. They have agreed to look after our son should the need arise.

DH side would be sad but DH brother lives in the city nearest our village. He and his family (mixed sex couple and 20 ish year old son) may see DS if we bump in to them in the city centre but other than that DS saw them this march 26 and before that at a pantomime in dec 24. We aren’t close to them. They live in a way that doesn’t echo our values and way of life (I have concerns about their hygiene and their attitudes to the world post Covid). My brothers way of life albeit he is wealthier more echoes our way of life. So although it would be a different country the transition should be less for him.

We wrote in our will that the guardians are to choose who looks after our children, rather than specifying exactly who that would be. This is because we wanted to write one will which will last for our kids' whole childhood, and the best person can change depending on the kids' age and what other people have going on in their own lives at the time.

Eg if DH and I died next year, the guardians will need to decide who best can make an 18 year commitment to our kids. That may mean our kids need to move to a different area far away because that's better for them long term. But if we died when the kids only had a couple of years of school left, the guardians might choose someone less 'ideal' but who lives locally, so that the kids can finish their schooling and not have to leave their friends.

The guardians we chose are family members our own age (no point naming people a generation older as there's a decent chance they'll die before the kids are adults)!

Our guardians are allowed to use the entirety of our financial estate (in a trust they can administrate) for any purpose benefitting the kids. We have been clear this should cover not only the cost of raising our kids but also things like a new bigger house for whoever takes them in, and relocation expenses etc.

We are in Scotland, so some of this may not be possible if you live elsewhere.

We changed the guardians 3 times - my sister had a breakdown, my brother fell out with me - dh’s family don’t cope well with change and wouldn’t have the space, I finally I asked my best friend and appointed our business partner to manage the cash side. Business partner will continue to manage the finances until DCs are 25.

We chose SIL and her DH. They are in Australia. Our parents are far too old to raise more children. She has 2 of her own around the same age. It would be a huge upheaval but not more than losing both your parents.

The chance of both DH and I dying are quite low.

I would definitely talk to the possible candidates to see if they are interested. I am named potential guardian for 4 children . Two of those the parents assumed I would take them in ( and yes I would if it came to it ) and wills were written with me named and told afterwards. However , there is no legal requirement for anyone you name to take on the role if they don’t want , hence conversations with all of them , I would say starting with your brother would be useful.

Are you based in England? If so whilst you can suggest people just in case ultimately social services will decide based on circumstances then and the wishes of the children if not as young. If they are not relatives listing them makes social services aware but ultimately they put the children’s needs central which in 5
years, 10 years may be different to today

It’s friends and then my parents: it’s named in our wills as to why his parents are not to have the teenager and it’s also named as to why it’s friends over my parents. If friends can’t have ds for whatever reason my parents will relocate for continuity of education.

I have many friendships that have lasted between 40 and 50 years, whereas I never see most members of my family. It depends on the people - I would always prioritise my friends.

I think family will always find a way to do the right thing for a child of the family. Friendships wax and wane over your life and I wouldn’t try to foist kids on friends who don’t have their own similarly aged children. The gay couple adopting the young orphans is the premise for a sitcom or movie, not real life. Its name your mother and siblings as fall backs. By the time your mother is too old to do it, chances are high your brother will be settled down possibly with a wife and child or children of his own.

I sympathise with the dilemma - my brother and SIL would absolutely take on my kids, but they live in a very rural area of another country, which is not where I’d want my kids to grow up.

We picked the most suitable family ( also abroad). It makes money side easier and family is important. Obviously ask them first!