Choosing guardians for our son: family or close friends?

[Sazzlebear]

Who do people normally name as guardians of their LOs in case the unthinkable happens? I would have liked our DS (2) to stay with family, but not sure it is the best choice for him. Our options are the following:
My single brother (26, financial advisor) lives 2 hours from where we currently live, round the corner from my mother so would have some local support. Has had little exposure to small children so would be a learning curve, but my son does love him and sees him monthly. He currently lives in a 2 bed flat.
My husbands brother and sister in law (29, post-doc and computer scientist) who currently live in Florida. Really want children and are fully prepared to raise one or more. Main issue here is they are not in the UK and cannot guarantee where they will be living over the next 5-10 years.
Our old friends (31, teacher and marketing associate) who are a gay couple we have known for 14 years and also see our son monthly. They are around 40 mins from us so could faesibly relocate so son wouldn’t have to move nursery/school as he’s older. They have some small children in their extended family and are also very good with DS. They are married and own a 3 bed house.

If I were pushed to take all blood aside and purely focus on which home I would put a child in, I would say our friends. My mother would be absolutely heartbroken if they were to be the named guardians, but I have doubts about my brother as a guardian as he’s alone, enjoys his job and social life a great deal and does not live in the best area and is not willing to uproot his life for our son’s school/nursery. Is it true that blood is thicker than water here? Are there drawbacks to naming legal guardians in our will outside of family? I’ve not considered either of our parents, mainly due to age, although they’d be happy to help out however needed.

the only other consideration is my son (if we were to both die) would inherit an estate worth around £1 million, which would be managed by my brother and my BIL in a trust until my son comes of age.

DH and I are both healthy so risk of needing this is very small.

We named friends who had two DC close in age to our son. We did discuss it with them first. We chose not to ask DH’s sister or our DS’s godmother, a very dear friend of long standing because they were both single with no children and for a variety of reasons neither of them could realistically have offered him a home or the kind of environment he would have thrived in. My DB died when he was quite young. Had he been around with DCs of his own he would have been our first choice. Our friends were happy to be named on that basis, knowing that it was highly unlikely that they would be needed, but prepared to take him in and look after him as their own.

Firstly, you would need to ask whoever you choose and they may say 'No', so be ready for that; secondly, whoever you ask is very unlikely to uproot themselves, sell their home and move to your area - much more likely is that your DS would move in with them, where they live; and thirdly, this is vanishingly unlikely to happen, so try not to agonise about it too much!

Ope double post

We opted for my SIL. She is single and doesn’t have kids, but she sees them regularly, she’s great with them and a good person, and I trust her to do what needs to be done. She was also unhesitatingly positive when we asked her about it.

In your shoes, if your friends were open to the idea, I’d name them and just not tell your mum. You don’t have to lie, just be vague. With any luck, it will never be relevant.

I was named for my niece, which I was skeptical about as I live in a different country that she has never been to and where we speak a different language. I thought it would be awful for a child who had just lost her parents to have to move across the world away from everything familiar. However, the insisted so I agreed. I always had an idea that if it should come to pass, I would ask one of their close-by friends who had known my niece from babyhood if they would look after her. Could this be an idea for your brother? He is guardian, but he doesn't have to have your child living with him if there is a better place?

I would be a guardian for family but not for friends.

Blood is thicker than water and it’s too much to ask of friends

I always add on these threads that choosing a guardian isn't a one time thing. The right person will likely change over time as your child ages. In particular, by adolescence they may have established local friendships and family links that you wouldn't want to disrupt. Or perhaps in a few years they will naturally have developed a closeness to a particular family member. So remember to review and update your wishes as you go along.

Also I'd advise that you appoint your chosen guardian as one trustee, with another independent trustee. This is because it is very likely the guardian will want to access the trust as your child grows to pay for their upbringing. This is a huge pain if they have to go cap in hand to the trustees each time. Better that they are one trustee and then the other is your BIL or whoever, this protects the money (as both trustees oversee the trust) but allows reasonably straightforward access. I speak from experience on this one as I use money left in trust to my child from her deceased father to bring her up. It's hard enough without adding further layers of complexity.

It's also important to note that while your wishes would be taken into account, it's actually for a judge to decide where your child goes should the worst happen. It's hard to see past your mother and brother in that light - I think a court would need some persuading that your friends are a better option, so you need to clearly state your rationale for that.

We did exactly the same for the same reason. I trust my sister-in-law 100% to pick the right people if it should ever come to that, and to ask my children and to take their wishes into account. I think she would probably take them on, too, but if, for example, her health were to suddenly decline, someone else might be a better choice.

I think you're thinking about this a little too hard. Think of this as an evolving guidance because circumstances can change overnight for any one of these people so just choose who would be right for now (and check with them of course!) and check that they would align with your wishes. As an example, my husband is not from the UK and his family are nice but don't make much effort with me because of the language barrier so we have said we would choose my sister because we know she would make the effort to keep our daughter connected to his side of the family whereas he admits his family wouldn't prioritise that even though she's single and lower income. Also, we have said that we would leave money to support her so the income / house that the person currently has is surely irrelevant if you can perhaps provide a provision so that whoever takes care of your son will have access to the means to do so. Your brother can also tell you whether her would want this or whether, being a single guy, he might prefer you to choose someone else because he's likely starting to think about building his own family in a few years time. Basically choose who is best for now and be prepared to update this every few years when any circumstances change.

Children are not an asset that you leave to somebody in your will. You can discuss it with relatives or friends and if they are willing request that they are considered to take care of your children, but ultimately it is social services who will decide based on what offers the best outcome for the children.

We've chosen my husbands brother and his wife. They live 3 hours away but have an incredible bond and very close to my children and we trust they would keep in touch with my side too. Our parents are great but both would be too old to take on raising children.

My own sibling has said to my mum they wouldn't want anything to happen to my children if anything happened to my husband or me. However they've made absolutely no attempt at a relationship with my children, never bought them presents, never held them as babies, never ask after them and even when they are at my parents, ignore my children and ignore them. Blood isn't always thicker than water and he'd be the last person I'd want looking after my children, family or not. I'd much rather ask a close family friend than them!

We did my parents. If anything happened to us now, DC would stay in the home with my parents in charge of the money as older 2 aren’t far off being adults.

We have both my brothers listed with a statement saying that should it be needed both they and my mum will choose the most suitable option between them depending on everyone’s circumstances at the time. I’m happy that they would make a good choice for my son as they all love him. On the flip side, I’m the guardian for my best friends son and at no point has she suggested she wants me to move to her area, just that she obviously wants me to maintain his relationship with his grandparents, cousins etc

Well your a delight

I’d go with your mum for now and revisit it later if you feel it unmanageable for her. But probably your brother as back up?

We did dhs parents when kids were little and changed it to my sister when they were early teens. Now we have my eldest dd for youngest dc (12 years old) dd is 27.

We named my brother and his wife with the view that they would make good decisions about our kids. They wouldn't necessarily live there, they might make different decisions at different times. But we trust they would listen to the kids, listen to everyone's views and make the best choices at the time.

This is perfect, thanks! I think we’ll do this! My mother has unfortunately had some ill health, and is in her 60s so I didn’t think she’d be appropriate although would have DS without hesitation. We’re in England so hopefully the solicitor will be able to advise on how best to do it.

Also, to add for those asking, everyone on the list had conveyed they would be happy to have DS should the need arise!