How does contact work when an ex lives far away?

[MrPringle]

Does anyone have an ex who for whatever reason is unable to have the kids at their house but also lives long distance so it’s not suitable for a day trip? What does contact look like? We did have him coming down for visits for the day but it was a long way and he didn’t stick to it

Who’s blaming you?

People are trying to say it’s not your problem to solve because it sounds like he is the only person with the power to come up with solutions to problems like not living in a place where he can have the kids (is the situation temporary?)

Plus you’re assuming that he won’t be flaky this time and trying to find solutions when him finding solutions is a way that he can prove that he’s serious and not going to be flaky again. Only he truly knows why he’s been flaky and if he’s not going to put the effort in, then it’s not going to last long term. This is not a problem that you can solve however much you think you can.

I think that dads who live far away often have the kids over school holidays for longer or they let contact decrease over time until it’s nothing. Usually it’s kinder to have no contact than play with the child’s emotions and self esteem and have a dad come and go multiple times. That kind of experience affects kids in their friendships and future relationships imo.

OP, it’s up to him to say what frequency he can commit to and ask you if that would fit in with your (you and the children’s) lives. He’s tried weekly and every other week so should have a good idea about what frequency would work. You don’t want to fall into the trap of suggesting more than he can keep up with and have him become flaky again.

2 hours travel each way isn’t a significant barrier to contact imo. It’s not school run distance but plenty of people travel that much as a commute and it’s not rush hour travel.

Im not trying to solve it for him I haven’t even told him im looking for suggestions im just trying to figure out what could work and then work together to come up with something, I will be asking for his suggestions too. His living situation is not temporary.

If you do go down the one pick up/drop off each then always do the pick up on the Sunday.

Firstly because public transport is often more unreliable on a Sunday. But also because the onus is then on him to do the first bit on the Friday and you’re less likely to end up having to do both journeys if he announces he can’t bring them back Sunday.

That’s very good advice

Thanks I will bare that in mind but I doubt he would keep them any longer 😬

It wouldn’t be about keeping them longer - it would be about you having to do both journeys because he knew you wouldn’t leave them stranded/let them miss school/stay in an unsuitable place etc.

I wouldn’t do both so he’d have to bring them back as he can’t take them to his but I get what you mean.

My ex who lived 85 miles away, drove down on Sunday mornings, collected ds, went for a walk on the common or along the canal, took ds to lunch, maybe an amble around the shops and then dropped ds back home.

Seems like my Ex is just lazy, he use to moan all the time how hard it was coming down just to take them out for the day and blamed public transport. He once cancelled because it was raining so he would have “now where to take them” i also think part of it was that it got expensive taking them out for the day for food etc i will see what he comes up with