How does contact work when an ex lives far away?

[MrPringle]

Does anyone have an ex who for whatever reason is unable to have the kids at their house but also lives long distance so it’s not suitable for a day trip? What does contact look like? We did have him coming down for visits for the day but it was a long way and he didn’t stick to it

He also needs to be coming up with solutions, after all he created the problem by moving away. If he isn’t going to make equal effort nothing will be arranged.

It’s 2 hours…. Not far and not worth this angst. I’d consider he just isn’t that bothered.

It’s up to him right? I know you’re thinking of the kids but why is it up to you?

How old are your children, do they enjoy spending time with him

I don’t think it’s up to me

4 hours of travel here and back on public transport

We are reintroducing contact so time will tell.

People commute that every day….. one day a week shouldn’t be that onerous. Leave at 8, be with them at 10. Park, lunch, some afternoon activity, tea, then home at 6, he’s back at his for 8 - doesn’t even impact pub-time.

Yeah and he done it before every other weekend as he didn’t want every week but didnt stick to it so looking for something else. I will suggest a hotel to him and seeing them in the half terms

We lived 25 miles from late dp's kids, we just used to pick them up & take them out for the day before returning them, we often went to his dad's or visited dp's grandma. Other than that we went to softplay or something other indoor activity in the colder months or packed a picnic during warmer weather & went to the park or out in the country.

Yeah thats what we use to do but he couldn’t keep to it and would often cancel, I also suspect it got pretty expensive taking them out every time. He did take them to the park once (free) but brought them back after 20 mins saying they were bored and asking to come home

I’m not sure what miracle you’re expecting. You say he won’t do it in a day and he won’t stay over as it’s too expensive. Not sure what the answer is then unless you take the kids to him.

Im not sure what im looking for but I want to look like I at least tried so I’m not blamed for the reason he doesn’t see them. I won’t be taking them to him.

He could sort out somewhere suitable for them to stay at his of course - and you offer to share the travelling. I’m guessing he also ‘can’t’ do that either.

My father moved 8 hours away when we were teenagers and he spent every other weekend driving to see us as it was his biggest priority. If your ex can’t manage a couple hours I’m not sure how committed he is to this sadly :(

What about suggesting a few weeks in the various school holidays and he can book a cheap caravan or similar somewhere? Might be more sustainable given the housing situations.

Yeah I will suggest he sees them less frequently and in the holidays booking somewhere

I'd probably say something along the lines of 'yes, I'm happy to make them available to you, what's the plan?'.

Really he needs to be looking for suitable accommodation but booking somewhere to stay with the kids for periods during holidays seems like a short term solution.

Don't try to force the situation too much, whilst having a decent relationship with caring parents is in the best interests of children, forcing them to spend chunks of their childhood somewhere they are unwanted isn't going to be good for their mental health long term.

I get that. I did a lot more than folks thought I should to try and keep my girls’ relationship with their dad. People told me I was mad at the time, but the girls are now mid-twenties, haven’t had a relationship with him for 6 and 4 years respectively, and both have said they really appreciate the efforts I went to.

If you’re in London then are free places like NHM, science centre, V&A doable travel wise?

Essentially op this is a case of if he wanted to he would. None of the issues you've mentioned are insermountable from his side.

How about offering him once a month you drive up to drop the children off friday night and he brings them back sunday evening.

OP, if you're trying to MAKE him have contact, then you are likely to end up disappointed

As already explained he is unable to have them at his so that isnt an option

Im not trying to make him? HE contacted me

Sorry I meant if he had them once a month he could get a travelodge or similar in his area.

Maybe i’m reading your posts the wrong way - apologies if this is the case - but I’m getting the impression it’s you who is keen to find a way (and that’s absolutely fine) rather than your ex? If he was keen, surely he could figure it out himself?

Ah i see thanks, thats the best suggestion so far that could work!