Supporting my six-year-old with school behaviour without harming his confidence

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Hi, I’m hoping to get some advice regarding my 6-year-old son and some behavioural struggles we’re having at school.

He currently gets a bus home with around 10 other boys, and there is one particular child who often hits, swears and causes trouble. After about a year around this behaviour, my son has now started joining in at times, so I’m getting calls from school about him hitting or using bad words.

Today when he got off the bus he was very upset and immediately told me he had been in trouble. We spoke calmly about it and, as a consequence, I told him no TV for the evening. He was very sad about this, but afterwards he helped me cook, played Lego and completed his homework really well.

Part of me feels bad because he also told me that three different teachers shouted at him today, and tomorrow he has lost his outside break time, which I’m not entirely sure I agree with. I do want boundaries and consequences, but I also don’t want him constantly feeling like the “bad kid.”

He has ADHD and dyslexia, and school is already quite difficult for him. Lately he has been speaking very negatively about himself, saying he is “bad,” always in trouble, and always getting shouted at. That really worries me.

The teacher also mentioned that he can be bossy with other children in the playground, although I honestly don’t often see this side of him outside school. At parks and on days out he makes friends very easily and other children seem to really enjoy being around him. He also absolutely dreads going to school most days.

I suppose I’m just wondering if I handled today correctly, and how I can best support him while still teaching him right from wrong without damaging his confidence.

I don't think I'd have stopped the TV. School are dealing with it, you deal with things you see at home. Possibly I'd have gone down the "make an apology card" route instead once you'd chatted about it and reflected on what had happened, and why, and what he could do instead next time.
We've spent a lot of time teaching our kids how to listen to themselves e.g. if it gives you a funny feeling inside and feels like a bad idea it probably is, and to make a different choice e.g. walk away, tell a teacher, play with something else, shout for help. He sounds like he's having a shit time at school, and I'd also want a meeting to see what they are doing to support him and how you can tie that in at home.
I also disagree incredibly strongly with kids missing break - I'm in Wales and it's not allowed for younger years. A teacher was sacked recently for doing it. He needs the chance to run of pent up frustration and missing break for something unrelated the day before won't help his future abilities to cope.

Is he in mainstream school? Is it UK? I'm quite surprised that 3 different teachers have shouted at a 6 year old, that seems unusual unless he's doing something dangerous or hurting someone. I would ask for a meeting with his teacher and tell her that he is feeling pretty down on himself and you're worried that he is seeing school as somewhere where he's failing. Ask how you can best support him to improve his behaviour and ask what specific strategies they are using to help him better meet their expectations. He's still really young and learning how to navigate the world of school.

It sounds like he’s being punished twice for things that are probably related to and in line with his difficulties.
When he says he’s been “ shouted out” that could mean anything and might not have involved actual shouting.
I’d have thanked him for telling the truth and just a quick reminder of basic rules but no further consequence.
As PP says I’d be asking school about a behaviour plan and what positive rewards or visual reminders are in place. Removing break time is not a good strategy as he needs the movement break to aid concentration. Also each day should be a new start.
I’d ask for a meeting with the SENCO if it’s a mainstream school.

Op your son is hitting other children and being naughty. Support the teachers. You’ll be pleased you did when he is 20.

also disagree incredibly strongly with kids missing break - I'm in Wales and it's not allowed for younger years. A teacher was sacked recently for doing it-
@Lifeisexpensive did the school share that with you about the teacher? I’m very surprised at that as would assume that would be a significant breach of their personal information and confidentiality! How did you find out?

He gets the bus home at 6 years old old ?? Apologies if I’m missing something

Presume it's the school bus .

Why does he ride the bus and who is supervising the bus rides? I'm really not sure that it's sensible for a 6 year old to be riding a bus with badly behaved boys that are 4 years older than him unless there is careful adult supervision. Sounds as though it could get scary for him as well as being an opportunity for him to copy their behaviour.

Yes it’s a school bus but not supervised and they are all 6yrs old they are 10boys.

thanks for all the advice we agreed to the break situation but if I’m honest it was more of on the spot decision, tomorrow I’ll be in contact and explain that he has the consequence at home and we would like him to have his break.

Me and his father sat down this evening and spoke about it and agreed that a consequence should be in line with the behaviour issue and taking the tv off him had nothing to do with it.

we also told our son that this was due to him not telling us what had happened on the bus yesterday and that we don’t keep secrets and the good and bad should be told to us so we can work out how to avoid it in the future.

he is having a crap time at school and I feel so bad for him, he looks so confused and fed up.

thanks for the advice I don’t think I handled it well and dwelled a lot on it, atleast we spent time cooking and doing LEGO together haha 💙

We’re rural and all the pupils who are termed as “farm
kids” get picked up by mini bus, from age of primary 1, so from 5.

Is there any way for him to not ride on the school bus would be my first thought?

Can he use wrap around provision or get an alternative adult to collect/drop him off.

Yes it’s something we are really looking into now, since I work 3 days a week on shifts I’m not on a set schedule to arrange with bus and school but we are trying to figure out what we can do, I think it would make such a difference

I would definitely look into alternatives. It already sounds like school is difficult for him and with the added pressure of a bus ride with lots of other likely rowdy 6 year old boys he's probably starting and ending each day with sensory overload.

Take him to, and pick him up from, school yourself instead of sending him on the bus at six? Apologies if many others have already suggested this.

I do take him every morning and we have a lovely morning on the drive together he’s calm laughing and gives me all the hugs and kisses goodbye, it’s on the way home we have issues, I agree and it’s something we are trying to figure out (possible leave work on my lunch break to pick him up and do the rest of my shift work from home, just trying to figure that all out with work)

Yes, because parents complained as a group about what was going on and wanted answers. The teacher was suspended and never came back.

Wow am surprised that was legal for the school to do, am assuming private over such an issue?

No, state. Why are you so surprised? They weren't legally allowed to take away the children's break time the way they did?

Hi - I work as a SEND and behaviour consult for a well established private company. If you want to inbox me I’ll happily give you some advice, I don’t want to post publicly as don’t really have the time or want to go backwards and forwards with others.

Sometimes a consequence after school is needed. I don’t think losing TV time for one evening is bad. I’ve done it a few times with my DS. He generally does some colouring and chats to me while I cook. It’s fine to create a consequence so long as that it and they can enjoy their evening in other ways. It would be different if a child was treated negatively the whole evening or made to suffer a bad atmosphere. An evening without screens is sometimes desperately needed anyway.

I think people are becoming too afraid to give consequences and make parenting decisions for fear of emotionally damaging their child. Obviously it’s not nice to hear of your child getting into trouble at school and reframing that as being a “bad kid”. That’s why lots of open and emotionally intelligent conversation is needed with young children so such perceptions can be addressed, however that can be done while also creating consequences and reinforcing that bad behaviour won’t be tolerated. In op’s case her child has been violent on the school bus and it needs to be addressed firmly at home, no matter whether this is simply him modelling the behaviour of other kids. I was in the same position with my DS (7) last year and I nipped it in the bud (made him write an apology card and all). It’s basic parenting and it worries me that people are calling basic parenting too harsh.

Im surprised the school were happy sharing that information given employment details—including disciplinary actions, investigations, and dismissals—are classified as personal data under the UK General Data Protection Regulation (GDPR) and the Data Protection Act 2018.
Who exactly told you? The teacher's employer (the school, local authority, or academy trust) has a legal obligation to protect that privacy.
Disclosing the reasons for a firing to a third party (like parents) without the teacher’s explicit consent would almost certainly constitute a severe breach of data protection law, leaving the school vulnerable to heavy fines and lawsuits.

I don’t agree that he’s lost his outdoor break time though. I think that’s appalling, especially for a child with ADHD. I would be challenging the school on that one.

When mine were at primary school I said I disagreed with them missing break or lunch time and the school went along with that

It’s good to see at least some parents believe that children should have consequences for poor behaviour, rather than “how dare you expect my child to be told what they do isn’t always wonderful!? They can do no wrong and must never be challenged!!!”

Sounds like he is trying to fit in with the bus kids, and not managing to fit in during class.

Internalising ‘bad’ at this age is awful. I would be questioning which teachers are labelling him that way.