Supporting my six-year-old with school behaviour without harming his confidence

[Samsung1122]

Hi, I’m hoping to get some advice regarding my 6-year-old son and some behavioural struggles we’re having at school.

He currently gets a bus home with around 10 other boys, and there is one particular child who often hits, swears and causes trouble. After about a year around this behaviour, my son has now started joining in at times, so I’m getting calls from school about him hitting or using bad words.

Today when he got off the bus he was very upset and immediately told me he had been in trouble. We spoke calmly about it and, as a consequence, I told him no TV for the evening. He was very sad about this, but afterwards he helped me cook, played Lego and completed his homework really well.

Part of me feels bad because he also told me that three different teachers shouted at him today, and tomorrow he has lost his outside break time, which I’m not entirely sure I agree with. I do want boundaries and consequences, but I also don’t want him constantly feeling like the “bad kid.”

He has ADHD and dyslexia, and school is already quite difficult for him. Lately he has been speaking very negatively about himself, saying he is “bad,” always in trouble, and always getting shouted at. That really worries me.

The teacher also mentioned that he can be bossy with other children in the playground, although I honestly don’t often see this side of him outside school. At parks and on days out he makes friends very easily and other children seem to really enjoy being around him. He also absolutely dreads going to school most days.

I suppose I’m just wondering if I handled today correctly, and how I can best support him while still teaching him right from wrong without damaging his confidence.

You ganged up and complained about a teacher giving a perfectly reasonable consequence for poor behaviour? Bloody hell, your kids are going to run rings around you when they’re older.

Agree, imagine having the vitriol to have someone fired from their career because your child was reprimanded for their poor behaviour

@Samsung1122 Hi OP. It's so hard isn't it. Similar situ to you. I have a DC child who is ADHD and I think what is so obvious to me is teachers I am coming across with little to NO SEND experience of how to treat or handle children with X or Y. There is still so much LACK OF UNDERSTANDING AND GENUINE EMPATHY.

Coupled with the above, totally ignorant parents who assume a child is simply 'naughty' but literally have no clue that it's not about being 'naughty' it's about impulsivity and dysregulation, none of which they are actively CHOOSING, it often, cannot be helped.

HOW a child is treated by their young peers and teachers can have such a baring on how they feel about themselves at school. I am feeling all this first hand and it's awful. Today, my child was told off by his form teacher for a TIC that has recently emerged, then went to the next up's office for another telling off and at lunch was told off by the chef as a tray was dropped. I question everything about the school we are at. His form teacher has a worrying lack of empathy for him and he is used as a scapegoat on a regular basis.

Just sending solidarity to you, to say I hear you and I bet you are advocating hard for your child, as are we. Good luck we will get there! And I hope, educate people along the way! X

@PoppinjayPolly and @Soontobe60 , it's hardly unreasonable to expect children to be taught in line with legal requirements and to use techniques that aren't wildly outdated and proven to be ineffective at best and damaging at worst for this age group. It's disappointing to hear that there are still people with the views that it's appropriate to for teachers to act as lone wolves and completely disregard this. If a medical professional broke the law and caused damage to your relatives I bet you'd be complaining to PALS and questioning whether they should be in their job.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with missing break. You are focused on your son and how sad it is for him but what about the child he’s been unkind to?

We were rural for both primary and secondary and contorted our lives so we could facilitate our ND children avoiding the bus. The bus was massively problematic.

As to what else is going on: speak to the teacher. Find out how he is behaving in school; explain that you are trying to reduce influence of bus kids, and ask her/him what you can do to support the teacher/school here.

OP said child is thinking of himself as a bad kid, not that anybody else is putting that label on him.

And where does he get that idea, being all of 6?

Thanks for all your feedback, he wrote a card to apologise to the child he hurt (this child him him in the past and made him a card)

We are going to be focusing on his regulation and also his impulsive actions and hoepfully give him the tools to react in a much calmer way, he needs this now and even as an adult so its very important. Im not to sure where to start but ive spent the morning doing some research.

Thank you.

Yes this is how we felt,and i do agree with everything you said, i personally didnt mind a consequence i want him to understand that yes he has ADHD and hes implusive but he still has to use the tools and try his best to keep his hands to himself. By no means do i want to let him get away with hurting someone else.

Im not going to scream at him or ruin the rest of his day, once he knew he wasnt having the TV he sobbed his heart out begging me but eventually he wanted to help me cook and we played lego, went on the trampoline and tbh had a much easier evening.

Its all just one big learning curve for our children and us, i am worried about emotionally damaging him as he's so emotional, and i just want to do my best to help him succeed and be a lovely, kind human. It's hard work 😂

My DN works with children with behavioural difficulties and teaches exactly what you have said, walk away and don't get drawn in. One of the children recently came home so proud of himself because he had managed to do just this. When the children have gone up to bed she goes into each room to say goodnight, and to tell them how proud she is of them for managing their behaviour today, even if they've had a difficult day. I also like the idea of apologising in writing , because it makes them face their behaviour head on. I read about a mum who on dropping her children off at school reminds them to 'make good choices' . I think discussing why his behaviour is wrong, talking about how to show good behaviour, and positive reinforcement with praise is the way forward

He gets that idea from the fact that he’s being given out to a lot because of his behaviour. Not because anyone is telling him he’s bad or bold.

Interesting point of view you have there.
Children need boundaries and consequences. It’s not rocket science.

Can you provide a link to this story about a welsh teacher being sacked because she stopped playtime? It seems not to exist online except as an urban myth

It’s such hard work. It’s emotionally draining sometimes because we just want the best for them, and we also want them to grow into the best version of themselves they can be. You’re doing a good job, op. You sound like a very loving and caring mother x