14 y/o niece wants to turn things around but her parents are dismissive

[Owlsintheforest]

My 14 y/o niece (DN) is failing in school, she is bottom set in everything and has a habit of clowning around/showing off. Her behaviour has been enabled my SIL and DB because they don't give DN any attention at all - so DN plays up and if the teachers raise it with parents, they defend DN so this is quite literally the only attention she gets. DN's parents just don't care, they don't ask her about school, homework, DN has never read a book, spends hours on TikTok etc.

DN has had some sort of epiphany recently. She face-timed me to talk about her future job prospects and career - I was pleasantly surprised because I felt like this was very mature of her to be thinking this way. She said that when she goes into year 10 (September) she would like to move to a STEM school so that she can focus on science and biology. She said her mum/dad will say no to this, so she put together a 'slide deck' proposal to present to her parents to argue changing schools.

Anyway - while I was on a face-time call with DN, she wanted to ask her mum if she could share her presentation so she went and asked SIL (her mum) for '5 minutes to talk to her about something'... My SIL shouted 'NOOOO" in quite an aggressive way and just sat their scrolling on her phone. My DN ran upstairs on the cusp of tears, you could clearly see she felt so rejected that her mum has zero interest in her/her power point presentation (that she'd spent days on). Her 10 y/o sister even made a poster with 'Go Sister' on it to cheer her on while she did her presentation to her mum and dad. My DB wasn't in the room but came up to speak to DN separately - he said 'he'd speak to mum about it because he doesn't know what STEM is'.

Next day DN whatsapps me saying 'mum and dad said no to STEM, so I give up, they said that STEM school is for the thicko badly behaved kids'.. she was completely defeated.

I just felt so sad for her, but she has been messaging me daily saying that she is going to get her school behaviour score to 100% green (currently 40% good / 60% bad).. My DH and I are encouraging her so much, giving her attention and a confidence boost. DN is doing this off her own back, her parents just simply don't give a shit.

Also worth noting, DN wants to move school because the school bully keeps calling her and her friend 'sl*gs' writing it on the school walls.

Sorry I am not really too sure what I am hoping to get from this thread, I am 6 months pregnant with a baby girl and I just couldn't imagine treating my child this way and not showing any sort of interest 😔and I am furious with my brother for this because our mother was so nasty and uninterested in us also so you'd think he'd do better.

I think what a kid in this position needs most is regular support to improve her approach to school. If you are not used to listening in lessons, doing your homework and contributing to your school community it's going to be very hard to suddenly start doing this.

A simple thing to offer would be to have an informal regular check in with her. Ring and ask how her week has been. What went well and not so well. How was X teacher this week? Is the bully keeping her distance? What does she hope for for next week? Does she have any homework she'd like a hand with? These are the sort of things a normal good parent takes an interest in but there's nothing stopping other interested relatives doing this.

How on earth do you think DN would be able to get into a STEM school if her current behaviour is that bad and she is the bottom set in everything? - DN showed me the acceptance criteria on the STEM schools website.

What’s the criteria?

Thank you for being there for her in her life. I copptely get how her parents are shit. And you can see that without being a parent.

Maybe if you’d like, you can suggest she comes and helps eoth the baby or stays over sometimes “to help” and gives her time away from a shit home. Encourage her to tell her school she has decided to turn things around and she wants their help to do . They will work with her and support the change and application too

Thank you to those that have responded in a supportive and understanding way. I guess this hits home a lot because my mother was also incredibly selfish and showed zero interest in me/us as kids and I can see the exact same pattern with my DB and SIL.

I think the offer of her to come stay when baby is here is good, she is very excited about her baby cousin and DN shares a room with her 10 y/o sister and has no privacy which she would get here - I will definitely do that. I wish I could have her stay more but I live 70 miles away so our comms is all via face-time/whatsapp with visits every 2-3 months. She LOVES coming here because we listen and speak to her. Whereas her parents will just shout and complain about her all the time.

An example being, if she uses the loo, my DB and SIL will kick off that DN has 'stunk the place out'. They even caused a scene once when me and DH were at theirs, they were saying that 'they couldn't book a holiday because DN wouldn't tell them when her period was expected and they didn't want to waste money on a holiday if she can't go swimming so it's DNs fault that they're not going on holiday'.

But some of the posters on here have said that as I am not a parent, so I couldn't possibly understand what it's like for the parents..... hmm okay....

For those who are questioning the existence of such a school here is one: UTC South Durham

It teaches subjects in a different way to traditional academic schools and is more focussed on practical applications (hence the mindless view that it's for 'thickos'). I have no personal experience of this school but my friends who have sent their kids there are happy and engaged there.

There's a lot of focus on this thread about the 'STEM' school and whether your niece would be eligible for admission. I think what you're referring to might more commonly be known as a Technical College (STEM school sounds like the kind of place Peter Parker goes to in Spiderman were you have to be considered gifted to get a place 😁).

In my area a new scheme started about 5 years ago whereby Yr9 students could choose to move to a Technical College to study more vocational qualifications (alongside English/Maths GCSE) such as engineering, computer science etc. It's been a huge success and I've watched some kids blossom in this system. One has just completed a series of T-Levels alongside A-Level biology and has got a place at university on a Veterinary Science foundation course - not a pathway that is well-known but she did all the hard work and it's paid dividends.

I would strongly encourage your niece to talk to her tutors/head of year/anyone who'll listen at school and find some support there. If the school move isn't possible there's still plenty of time for her to knuckle down and thrive with the right support.

If your DN can show at school she is really changing her behaviour, it should be much easier to get sympathetic teachers on board who will help her. If the school has homework clubs or extra curriculars around science, she should get involved if she can.

Talk to her parents, continue suppporting her and don't forget about her when the baby is here.

Ahh I wasn't aware that it's also known as a Technical College, the school my DN is referring to is literally called '[Town] STEM School' so I wasn't sure why people were up in arms about this lol.

Your db and wife sound quite horrible. quite possibly your db repeating patterns from childhood.
Anyway
be the support you can. offer dn a place to stay in holidays
(I imahlgine her parents would express glad to becl rid :/ )but set boundaries set expectations for behaviour etc
Maybe look at what is available in your area if she were to stay with you for sixth form?

The one I linked to calls itself a STEM school as well. They do 9 GCSEs in Y11 but apart from English they all come under STEM so core subjects of English, Maths, Science (triple or combined), Engineering Manufacture, PE then options including Engineering: Design, Engineering: Systems and Control, Design and Technology, ICT, Business, Computer Science, Health and Fitness, Geography. There's a big focus on linking what they do in school to the work of their industrial partners and doing work experience. But they don't teach any humanities, languages or arts.

It's definitely not for 'thickos' (they offer a decent set of science A level in 6th form) and if it engages bright kids that are struggling in lower sets in a more traditional school it's a great idea as long as the funding is maintained.