Should our two year old stay home when baby three arrives?

[Mamalot88]

My head is all over the place and would appreciate any advice or experience on this. Having spent 2 years at home with 2 under 2 full time(busy and exhausting but no regrets at all, my kids had the 2 best years) I was due to return to work in october. However, found out 6 weeks ago Im due baby no.3 in December. We will have 3 kids under 4. Was hoping for a third sometime in future but never thought it would happen so quickly. DD who will be 4 will be in preschool, while DS was meant to start creche full time. I was on board for this until (a)i found out I was pregnant and will be home full time again for another 9 months and (b) the creche have doubled their monthly fee to 800 per month. This all happened in last few weeks. Now that I will be home full time with new baby, I want to keep my DS at home full time with me and new baby(he will be 2 years 4 months). I know it won't be easy, but I've done it before and it will save us 1000 euro a month. DS is also very sensitive and attached to mama and I think he would benefit from another year at home, where he is very happy. 4 year old would be home at 1pm everyday and they would entertain each other as are great buds. Parents live down the road and have offered to help and take DS for a few mornings a week, pick DD up from preschool etc. Have secured a weekly cleaner for 4 hours a week and a postpartum doula for 4th trimester. Biggest issue is DH has a HUGE problem with it. Insists on sending DS to full time care, says that if Im at home full time with 2 kids (and 3 kids from 1pm onwards) he will no longer work from home and he will move into town to an office space everyday as he wont be able to cope with noise level. His office is on other side of house and I told him just get noise cancelling earphones! Says I always get my way basically and "here I go again". Yes it will be harder on me but I think it is in the best interest of kids and finances. He even went as far as to say he wished he took precaution the night I got pregnant. I feel so hurt and alone. Im doing this out of love for my children-i know it will be very hard but I've done it before and had no regrets. He thinks it will be "absolute insanity". The thoughts of sending my 2 year old son into full time childcare breaks my heart when I know he will happier at home with mama and new baby. We can't come to an agreement and its causing so much stress and arguments . I told him Id consider part time or even a couple of days a week-just not sending him away fulltime for massive fees. Advice please

Weirdly you saying how happy your lo is at home makes me think preschool will be a shock and I agree with your dh. To all those saying your dh is selfish- have we forgotten Covid? We were all ready to kill each other, dh trying to have meetings and asking us to keep noise down, while I was irritated he was always there. I totally see his point. I think it gives you better quality time with the baby too. I don’t think it has to be ft or nothing though, there should be a happy medium

Someone (mostly trained maternity nurses) that comes to your house 3-6 hours a week after new baby is born. They do light housework, feed/bathe/massage baby while you nap or shower, bring hot nourishing meals. A few of my friends have hired them- not cheap but much cheaper than nursery for a week. You can get them for 2 weeks of in my pals case 3 months as she had no other support. Said it was a life saver

What is DH's current working arrangement, is he a full time home worker? Does he already have access to an office space somewhere else or will he have to pay to rent one? Has he been managing to WFH while you've had DC1 and DC2 at home?

Only because you've already done 2 under two at home full time and clearly loved it, it probably makes sense to keep him at home if it doesn't mean your DH is shelling out loads for office space somewhere else.

I had 2 with the same age gap at home full time during the first covid lockdown with DH working from home. It was hellish, but mostly because that wasn't the setup we'd wanted or planned for. DC1 was meant to have been in nursery 3 day a week and DH was meant to be in the office.

I understand. I still thinks it’s not common.

My dd did 5 mornings a week at age 2 and that was great for her. She still had an afternoon nap so a full day would have been too much. I'd look around for a different setting if the creche is inflexible, but it depends where you are whether you'll find one (we are in a city so have lots of options). If finances aren't an issue you could consider taking the ft place but picking up early so he only actually attends pt, we did something like this with our eldest rather than keep her in all day just because we were paying for it, but it felt a bit extravagant.

If he is a bit of a mummy’s boy, perhaps that is a good reason for sending him, albeit part time until you are back at work. Otherwise it will be a rude awakening for him when he does eventually have to go to daycare and school.

WFH but is away in another city 2 or 3 days a week so im on my own at least 2 days and 1 or 2 nights a week. Noise hasn't been an issue so far, he is in another part of house(corridor is closed off and doors locked). The kids can't get anywhere near it-no distractions and we are gone a lot. I think it was a knee jerk reaction to use noise as an excuse because it doesn't make sense-he takes off for work at 8.30, sometimes we see him at lunchtime or he goes to work from a cafe to get lunch and a break from the house. I think he just can't get his head around what im willing to do and because he said he couldnt do it in a million years-im not asking him to!

WFH but is away in another city 2 or 3 days a week so im on my own at least 2 days and 1 or 2 nights a week. Noise hasn't been an issue so far, he is in another part of house(corridor is closed off and doors locked). The kids can't get anywhere near it-no distractions and we are gone a lot. I think it was a knee jerk reaction to use noise as an excuse because it doesn't make sense-he takes off for work at 8.30, sometimes we see him at lunchtime or he goes to work from a cafe to get lunch and a break from the house. I think he just can't get his head around what im willing to do and because he said he couldnt do it in a million years-im not asking him to!

Happy to explore this, but the nursery won't do part time. All or nothing. So im suggesting holding out for part time in other local nurseries(hes on the waiting list). I dont think being a mummy's boy at 22 months is a big deal. Im sure once hes a teen il yearn for cuddles and hel be allergic!

Would have no problem with mornings! But the issue is finding somewhere that would facilitate it. I think money is always an issue when you have smallies-we have to upgrade the car and since iv been unpaid for 1.5 years we have no savings.

It sounds to me that he is just having a bad reaction to the 3rd pregnancy and it will blow over. If they won't allow part time hours then the sensible thing is obviously to decline the place and look after your DS yourself. Ignore your in-laws implying "it's not normal / better socialisation etc" that's just deflection. You are coping fine*, there are no issues with your 4 year old and they will all get to school nursery at some point.

If you intended to back to work in the Autumn why were you both trying for another baby - you said you "did not expect to get pregnant this fast". If you both wanted a 3rd child then this was a fairly obvious outcome.

The money would be better used on a local office or garden pod or similar especially if he is already in the office 2-3 days a week. Or frankly, put into an investment account as a pension for you [or over contributing to his own on the basis you will share it long term] until you do go back to work. Trust me, your 4 yr old will be choosing GCSE options before you know it. The next few years will be a blur.

*this is your opinion. Might be worth asking whether he has concerns about you?

In that case I agree with @TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams , it sounds like he's having a wobble about baby #3 and trying to come up with ways that things are going to be more difficult. Perhaps he was less keen on having a third that you, and is worried that if you like being at home with multiple little ones so much, that down the line you are going to want baby #4. Hopefully it's just a bit of shock though and will blow over.

Quite possibly! We were both definite we wanted a third, but naively thought it would take a lot longer to conceive(as was the pattern with other 2 and I had to take some steps to boost fertility-also dont have age on my side this time!). So really we are v lucky this time, and agreed since it happened so easily that its meant to be and lets get the crazy years over with together. Until now things have been very positive.We have both agreed this is the last one though. I dont plan on being a SAHM forever either-determined to be back at work full time by the time DC3 is 1 year and a bit where at two youngest kids will be in full time childcare.

No, keep your younger one at home for another year. Otherwise he/she will just bring germs from their setting and give them to you guys.

If you had struggled with the first two at home together then I could understand his concern but it sounds as if you took it all in your stride!
You’ve said yourself that you’re out and about regularly and you have your parents that are close by and willing to help out, so I think you’d be mad to pay that crazy money on full time nursery fees! From what you’ve said, I’d hold out for a part time nursery place and muddle on through. Good luck!

As he is looking for that office he needs to schedule a vasectomy.

It’s your home first office second. I say this as someone who wfh full time! He can get headphones or go to a coffee shop/library if it’s too loud.

I don’t understand why you / your husband think it will be so hard? You’ve done it before, and your eldest will only be home from 1pm which is when babies (and toddlers if you’re lucky) tend to have their long after-lunch nap. So then you’ll only have the 3 to look after really from 3pm ish onwards won’t you? And a 4 year old is generally pretty helpful and as you say will entertain the 2 year old quite a bit. I would 100% keep the 2 year old at home and save the money - my two boys are just over 2 years apart and it was really pretty easy having both of them at home. I stopped DS1s childcare and kept him at home for the first 8 months of DS2s life, until I went back to work full time and both went to childcare again. He didn’t suffer for it at all and is a happy, busy sociable teenager now. We had a fab 8 months, me and the two boys and went out and about everywhere meeting up with friends, having days out and hiking up in the mountains. I didn’t go to lots of toddler / baby groups but we did Waterbabies (both boys) from 4 weeks - when the baby had his lesson, the toddler sat nicely by the side and watched. When the toddler had his lesson, the baby sat in his car seat and either ‘watched’ or mostly napped.

I don’t think it is. I have a four month old
snd a four year old and have kept her in full
time nursery as I couldn’t entertain older one while balancing the needs of baby. It wouldn’t fair on either of them and we don’t have enough money to do the things I would need to do to keep older one busy (I know you can stay at home all day but not for me - four year old would go insane as would I).

Your DH obviously didn’t want another child yet, it’s unfortunate but I know it was not planned. I can understand why he wouldn’t want to WFH in a house with three such young children. Maybe he thinks you’ll ask him to get involved with childcare or mealtimes?

Surely the full time nursery costs are way more than what you’d be paying for days out etc?

As I said to PP, I’m not looking for reasons why someone might choose to do it (I understand), but I do still think it’s unusual for a young child to be in full time child care when there is a parent at home.
Maybe it’s more common among families where with a long term SAHP, mine were in a workplace nursery.

Due in Dec with my third as well, and my plan is to continue sending my 4 year old to playschool for the morning, until 1pm. My will be 2 year old is currently in a private childminders 4 days a week, and I'm going to continue sending them 2 days a week. That'll half our bill, and give me time for the littlest one and to stay on top of self care / housework.

I had both of them off with me on my last maternity leave and loved it! Just conscious it will be a little harder this time around with 3.

Follow your instincts OP, you will be fine. Encourage your DH to go to the office or somewhere else out of the home if he finds the children disturb him. My kids are all adults now but l had a 26 month old little boy when his sister was born and l loved having him home with me and the baby. He went to a playschool for 2 mornings a week ( nurseries weren't so prevalent then) but l wouldn't have dreamed of putting him in daycare whilst l was at home. He was happy and loved being with me and his baby sister.Those were some of my happiest years tbh.

I haven’t read the whole thread but would just say check the nursery policy. We have long waiting lists here and we had to keep them in 2.5 days week to hold a 4 and a half day nursery place for when I went back to work. We also were desperate to keep his normal, so him to go 2x a week worked great as he got so much stimulation there even though I was out and about a lot also. Those days I had both were great, but if baby was ill and we had a lazy day, it was brilliant to know he had done loads of crafts, outdoor play, running with his friends etc

Not an answer to your question. but I would try and get husband to get the snip so their are no more babies. I was in a relationship for 16 and a bit years, I was on the pill and he used a condom to make sure I didn't get pregnant.