Should our two year old stay home when baby three arrives?

[Mamalot88]

My head is all over the place and would appreciate any advice or experience on this. Having spent 2 years at home with 2 under 2 full time(busy and exhausting but no regrets at all, my kids had the 2 best years) I was due to return to work in october. However, found out 6 weeks ago Im due baby no.3 in December. We will have 3 kids under 4. Was hoping for a third sometime in future but never thought it would happen so quickly. DD who will be 4 will be in preschool, while DS was meant to start creche full time. I was on board for this until (a)i found out I was pregnant and will be home full time again for another 9 months and (b) the creche have doubled their monthly fee to 800 per month. This all happened in last few weeks. Now that I will be home full time with new baby, I want to keep my DS at home full time with me and new baby(he will be 2 years 4 months). I know it won't be easy, but I've done it before and it will save us 1000 euro a month. DS is also very sensitive and attached to mama and I think he would benefit from another year at home, where he is very happy. 4 year old would be home at 1pm everyday and they would entertain each other as are great buds. Parents live down the road and have offered to help and take DS for a few mornings a week, pick DD up from preschool etc. Have secured a weekly cleaner for 4 hours a week and a postpartum doula for 4th trimester. Biggest issue is DH has a HUGE problem with it. Insists on sending DS to full time care, says that if Im at home full time with 2 kids (and 3 kids from 1pm onwards) he will no longer work from home and he will move into town to an office space everyday as he wont be able to cope with noise level. His office is on other side of house and I told him just get noise cancelling earphones! Says I always get my way basically and "here I go again". Yes it will be harder on me but I think it is in the best interest of kids and finances. He even went as far as to say he wished he took precaution the night I got pregnant. I feel so hurt and alone. Im doing this out of love for my children-i know it will be very hard but I've done it before and had no regrets. He thinks it will be "absolute insanity". The thoughts of sending my 2 year old son into full time childcare breaks my heart when I know he will happier at home with mama and new baby. We can't come to an agreement and its causing so much stress and arguments . I told him Id consider part time or even a couple of days a week-just not sending him away fulltime for massive fees. Advice please

Let your dh return to the office. Or have you room to build an office in the garden? Can he work at your dm's house.

You have got masses of support - cleaner, doula, parents nearby helping lots. You will be fine. It’s just because he doesn’t like the noise. Selfish git. He should go to the office.

my own children were in nursery from 9/10 months, so I’m not saying the above from an against childcare perspective.

I'd do what you think is right for your LO . He is being a big baby and throwing his toys out of the pram .

I envy all the support you have in place ! I'm sure you'll all be fine once the baby arrives.

I don’t think group care before age 3 is necessary. You can get enough socialization from things like library story times and play groups.

you are going to be busy with a newborn. A program of some type a couple of mornings a week might be a good balance.

As for your husband’s reaction, I can’t even begin to understand. Few people want their young children in childcare for more hours. It’s odd.

Thanks for all your replies. He is not just using the noise levels as an excuse (our kids are actually quite mellow for two toddlers) but insists the 2 year old needs to be mixing with others. Forgot to mention I do bring him to plenty of group classes where newborn babies welcome too. Personally I think heading to preschool at 3 is plenty early to be mixing(but I have no problems with childcare if I HAD to send him). I came to him with a plan thinking he'd come round but seems completely overwhelmed by it all. It is baffling to me as I will be the one looking after the two tots full-time, breastfeeding through the night etc. I have told him he can go find an office space and I will be fine(which I will be-chaos doesn't bother me!). But the whole discussion has been very disheartening

the two year old might like some time of his own, away from the baby

I agree with you OP. I had two under two and then three under four, and I was a SAHM at the time. My middle one started pre school when she was three (the baby was a year old by then) and only did three mornings a week. I managed absolutely fine and I'm sure you will too.

DH is their parent too so of course he gets a say, but I think he's wrong about this.

Agree with you. I had three under four too. They younger two were new born and 13 months. They were great together as they grew. The 3 year old was at pre school. We did toddler groups after dropping the older ones at school or trips to the park. Then back to pick up the 3 year old from preschool and home for a nap and some one on one time with the 3 year old.
I have a gang of younger adults and teens now and I would love to go back to those times!

It’s quite unusual to put a child into childcare full time if there is a parent at home.

My dd was in pt preschool when dc2 was born and that made it much easier for me to manage. She was older than your DS would be but she started there at age 2.5 and I think that's a good age to be starting, for social skills and independence. Part time hours would be ideal at that age, full time is a bit much if you don't need it for childcare. Personally I liked having just the baby at home in the mornings, it meant I was able to do skin to skin, bond and do cluster feeding, and take her to all the baby groups, like sensory and baby swimming on her own. I really loved that part of mat leave and getting out and about not being stuck at hime, so being able to focus on the baby suited me more than having 2/3 dcs at home all together. But you've been used to having 2 at home so it's something you've got used to, and the decision should be yours really.

I do agree with your DH that I wouldn't want to be wfh with 3 dcs around and it would make sense to go to an office.

No it isn’t. Plenty of us have DC1 in nursery while mum is at home with a newborn

What??!! Your husband is nuts. I cannot understand his thinking.

Or yours to be honest 🤣, you're a braver woman than me, you sound like a great mum

Is your DH maybe anxious about money or something and it's coming out like this? He should be worshipping at your feet that he's lucky enough to have a wife who is happy to have all the children home all day (except the older DC from 1)

Thank you again for all your replies. I know a lot of mums have different ways of doing things-i dont think there is a right or wrong answer here. Its all down to mothers instinct-and I suppose for me its keep them at home while I have the option of doing so(am lucky for it). Spend the huge fees on a new car or some nice new furniture for new baby.Someone mentioned above getting out and about while one is at preschool-that is exactly what I envision...when I had two under two I used to tell people Im a SAHM that doesn't stay at home! We were gone everywhere-classes, parks, trips to town...they both loved it and to this day still hold hands in the back of the car. Of course DH is entitled to his view but when its me doing the primary care giving 90 percent of the time I believe I should have the final say! Of course I would be open to part time or 2 or 3 mornings a week-the perfect compromise. The issue is pulling out of the full time spot and taking a chance that he may be home for a while before something part time-if any-came up.

I'd save the money - if you are going to be at home with baby anyway then no point in spending on nursery.

Your second will be fine - he is not going to turn into a recluse! I am sure that you will be out and about with them once you are over the birth - and they will then mix with other human beings! - as they will anyway with family and friends.

It does sound like deep down you never really wanted dc2 to go to creche and so dc3 fixes that problem - so your plan has worked for you. DH didn't feel like this though, and so didn't need a new plan, so I'm not surprised feels a bit panicked. I'd let him get working space outside the house for some days I think it would help you both. You will get annoyed that he is about but not helping when you have 3dc in the afternoons, more so than the 2 you have now.

🤣🤣we are probably both a bit nuts. Its not anxiety over money-my option would save us a lot of money! I think a lot of it comes down to different parenting styles coming from two different childhoods. My mum did similar-but his siblings are all about keep them out of the house for as long as you can no matter the cost. I have taught young 4 year olds for years-i once had a class of 36 infants in a very disadvantaged area. It was bonkers...but i think im just used to the madness and dont mind it.this too shall pass

We have 4 under 4 as the third was twins and ye chose not to do the nursery etc and love every minute. Have older children also and never sent any of those either, and there all very sociable 😂

Oh OK.
It's a while since mine were that young and while it's true that many of my peers kept an older sibling in childcare part time (to keep the space, to give sibling time out of the home and SAHP a break), I don't think I know of any who put them in childcare full time.
Apart from anything, the cost would be a BIG factor. It seems like childcare is a lot cheaper for OP though.

What’s a postpartum doula?

I would 100% keep the 2 year old at home. If he wants to go to the office, that's fine but I would definitely prioritize the 2 year old being cared for at home over a grown man wanting the house to be more quiet.

For me personally, there is a 3 year age gap between mine, and DC1 needed more stimulation than i could give him at home. I had a c section so longer recovery, DC2 didn’t sleep so i was exhausted, and had reflux so slept upright on me meaning i was trapped a lot of the time. So i’m glad DC1 was in nursery.

Also consider nursery and childcare places may be harder to come by as more parents are in work, so for example it may be more difficult to reduce hours to part time for a year and then to secure extra hours again for when mum goes back to work. There may not be space for the extra hours again and nurseries have long waitlists.

I see your point but trust me this was never "the plan". I would prefer DS at home for another year but was definite about returning to work and accepted the SAHM bubble had to burst. Never envisioned I would get pregnant this quick (my first two took months to conceive at a younger age) and then 2 weeks ago the nursery sent the scary email about doubling the full time fees. They flat out refused a part time option. This is why I have done a 360 on everything-I just can't justify it...im essentially paying strangers to do what I am happy and willing to do(albeit with a newborn in tow).

100% the children's needs must come before their father's wants

I wouldn’t send a child that young to nursery full time if I was at home. It doesn’t make sense to me and I’m not against nurseries as I sent my child full time from 1, but that was only because it was necessary. You could try to find another nursery that is willing to do part time or just tell DH to go find an office then.

This is exactly my point. I have told him if its that bad he is welcome to find an office space-i dont rely on help from him during his working hours anyway. I think deep down he believes its too much and will have to keep coming down to check and help out during his working day-something I dont expect or ask for at all