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One and done with regrets?

40 replies

ShyLavender · 16/05/2026 15:15

I know it’s a personal decision but would be interested to hear your wise advice/ experiences. cut a long story short I have one child who’s nearly 3. The plan was always to have 2 kids and we had been trying for 8 months when I had a miscarriage. Now I’m 2 months post that and I am strongly verging on being one and done. It’s like something has just changed within me. I’m mid 30s so it’s not as if I want to leave it a while to decide either. I just finally feel like I’m getting back to myself, our toddler sleeps well and we would be financially so much better off. Has anyone just had one and regretted it? Or has anyone had two and felt like they should have stuck with one (I know this would be a hard one to admit) thanks

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Jasminealive · 16/05/2026 15:17

Had one, she’s now 11 and I love it. All my friends with one seem in a much better place than those with more. Don’t underestimate the grind of multiple children.

We live our best, most chill lives and have money to spend on that!

mumbleleaf · 16/05/2026 16:42

I was an only child and can massively see the appeal in one way, I had a lovely childhood. But it's left me in a very hard position as an adult in terms of care for my parents who are now divorced and both single.

I've got two and would like a third, if you enjoy a kind of ramshackle chaos it's absolutely lovely. I'd have more than 3 if I could but time is against me!

RareRubyRobin · 16/05/2026 16:44

One, done and no regrets here. We have plenty of money for days out, treats, multiple holidays a year etc, we have plenty of time to both work and still spend quality time with DS and help with homework, revision, sports etc, plenty of down time to relax and, now he’s old enough to be going out with mates independently, we have plenty of alone time too - it’s a win win.

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PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 16/05/2026 16:48

One and no regrets- I don’t need to sacrifice time or money

There is a post here today about a woman regretting having two kids and many others agreed. She had polar opposite kids so was finding it very tough. Might be a good read to help ease your mindset. It helped me as I often think my DD would love someone to play with but it was interesting as it’s not a given they would be buddies ( as my siblings and I are not now )

Evolutionarygoals · 16/05/2026 17:02

We are one and done. Like you, i'd always imagined two but we just never found ourselves in a place where we wanted to take the plunge. I found the baby stage hard, and we're both a little older than we expected to be having a child so, to be frank, we're both knackered. I've also really struggled with the additional organisation etc. Mentally, it's been hard.

I do really love our life, just the three of us. But I do feel a little bad, because, now I'm an adult, I really love having a brother and I'm sad that DD will never have that sort of relationship. However, her cousin is also an only (and none at all on the other side) so my brother and I are being really proactive in ensuring they have the chance to develop a close relationship with each other. Also, there are loads of only kids around these days - Dd's experience will not be a rare one.

I also slightly struggle with the idea that I "gave up": having kids is too hard for me. But that also means that we've made the right decision for our DD - we can be the best parents for her that we can be with the resources we have.

There are, of course, plenty of positives! We can focus on her but also, now she's a little older, have time to ourselves. Our attention isn't split, more money etc are also useful!

I think, in the end, neither choise is perfect. You just have to lean into the positives whatever you end up deciding to do. Xx

Jasminealive · 16/05/2026 18:56

We’re in London and there’s tons of only kids around. In fact the majority of her friends are!

hellotojason · 16/05/2026 19:03

I am one and done and absolutely no regrets - she is 10 now and life is so much easier for us then my friends with two or more. Yes practically we have more resources at our disposal but we also have more patience, resilience and space for her. We love our life.

I have a brother who I love but our relationship is not uncomplicated and he is not the person I go to when things get tough - my close friends and my husband are my support network and I am sure my daughter will build the same as an adult too.

Shayisgreat · 17/05/2026 14:16

I have one. I've had 3 miscarriages but have been ambivalent about having another anyway because my marriage isn't great so haven't gone down the route of fertility investigation etc

My only regret is that DS7 says that he really wishes he had a brother or sister. He has started talking about when his dad and I die saying he doesn't want to lose us and is worried that he will be alone. I don't know how or why that is in his head but it does feel uncomfortable.

KindnessIsKey123 · 17/05/2026 19:47

We are one and done. No family nearby so it’s just us 2 with full time jobs, don’t want to scrape by or be exhausted for the next 10 years. My husband was 1 of 4 boys and was pretty much ignored as he was quiet & well behaved.
We want to have 1 child, give him all the support & love we can and make a really good job of it. also neither of us want to completely sacrifice our own lives for the next 10 years. Maybe if there was Family or friends about Help, but we are on our own in this.

Strawberriesandpears · 17/05/2026 20:12

Shayisgreat · 17/05/2026 14:16

I have one. I've had 3 miscarriages but have been ambivalent about having another anyway because my marriage isn't great so haven't gone down the route of fertility investigation etc

My only regret is that DS7 says that he really wishes he had a brother or sister. He has started talking about when his dad and I die saying he doesn't want to lose us and is worried that he will be alone. I don't know how or why that is in his head but it does feel uncomfortable.

Oh I am sorry to hear that. Maybe another child has said it to him? That is what happened to me as a child (I am an only). I also vividly remember some kid at school pointing out that if I married another only child, my children would have no aunties, uncles or cousins! I'm not sure where this child had developed these thoughts - perhaps their parents had said something (they weren't only children).

Arlanymor · 17/05/2026 20:33

mumbleleaf · 16/05/2026 16:42

I was an only child and can massively see the appeal in one way, I had a lovely childhood. But it's left me in a very hard position as an adult in terms of care for my parents who are now divorced and both single.

I've got two and would like a third, if you enjoy a kind of ramshackle chaos it's absolutely lovely. I'd have more than 3 if I could but time is against me!

I’m one of two and my sister does sod all - so it’s really not a numbers game, it’s about the individuals involved. My dad had emergency surgery last month and she did nothing, claiming it was too difficult to leave her cats. Her cats that she left two weeks later for a month in Greece…

LeekPeachPlum · 17/05/2026 20:46

Shayisgreat · 17/05/2026 14:16

I have one. I've had 3 miscarriages but have been ambivalent about having another anyway because my marriage isn't great so haven't gone down the route of fertility investigation etc

My only regret is that DS7 says that he really wishes he had a brother or sister. He has started talking about when his dad and I die saying he doesn't want to lose us and is worried that he will be alone. I don't know how or why that is in his head but it does feel uncomfortable.

I have two children but my daughter (also 7) says she is worried about being alone if me, her dad and her sister die. I think it's related to their age and an understanding of death. Your DS might still feel this even with a sibling. Xx

peppaispoop · 17/05/2026 20:49

I have 2, I thought we might have an only due to 2 miscarriage and one being a late one and was quite sad about it. I’d have a third if we had the spade and money. I always feel sorry for only children. Im
not particularly close to my brother now but it was great having a sibling growing up. Only children also tend to be a bit spoiled.

followtheswallow · 17/05/2026 21:14

I honestly think one is perfect. You get to enjoy being a parent and get time for you as well.

Tigerbalmshark · 17/05/2026 21:17

One not through choice (miscarriages), and it is absolutely fine honestly. The only thing I would say is that onlies do tend to rely on you to entertain them, whereas multiples can play with each other (or at least don’t seem to expect your complete undivided attention 24/7). But there’s no fighting/squabbling either with one, which is a major plus!

Tigerbalmshark · 17/05/2026 21:19

followtheswallow · 17/05/2026 21:14

I honestly think one is perfect. You get to enjoy being a parent and get time for you as well.

Ah, I’ve found the opposite - DS wants to do everything with me! Which is lovely, but not always possible.

followtheswallow · 17/05/2026 21:22

Are you a single parent, @Tigerbalmshark , or is he just very attached to you? I’m probably romanticising it a bit - I have two and feel like I’ve not got enough time for them both never mind anything left over for me!

Unicornrainbow3 · 17/05/2026 21:23

The way we made a decision on number of kids was imagining being 75 and looking at your dining room table. All the family have come to visit. Would you be happy with your child (or child / partner/ potentially their child). Or do you picture more than that.

Tigerbalmshark · 17/05/2026 21:27

followtheswallow · 17/05/2026 21:22

Are you a single parent, @Tigerbalmshark , or is he just very attached to you? I’m probably romanticising it a bit - I have two and feel like I’ve not got enough time for them both never mind anything left over for me!

Nope, he’s just very sociable and only ever wants to play “with” people - if his friends are about he’d much rather play with them than me, and he happily makes friends with random kids in the playground, in sports clubs etc. But if we are at home, he wants somebody to play with and that usually ends up being me (DH does get roped in too, he just isn’t around as much).

followtheswallow · 17/05/2026 21:29

Aww well he sounds like a sweet boy anyway Smile lots of play dates then!

Tigerbalmshark · 17/05/2026 21:31

followtheswallow · 17/05/2026 21:29

Aww well he sounds like a sweet boy anyway Smile lots of play dates then!

Exactly!

I remember actively wanting to play by myself at that age (9), but I did have a particularly annoying little brother I was probably trying to get away from! (We are best of friends now)

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 18/05/2026 11:45

Unicornrainbow3 · 17/05/2026 21:23

The way we made a decision on number of kids was imagining being 75 and looking at your dining room table. All the family have come to visit. Would you be happy with your child (or child / partner/ potentially their child). Or do you picture more than that.

This is such a toxic thing to say…. Way to make mums feel bad who found baby and toddlers years tough…they have an empty table when you are old…

cracklehatlife · 18/05/2026 12:28

I thought I would be one and done. Then when the first was about 18 months old I out of the blue started contemplating a second. It was because I was an older mother and we have no family in the country we live. I did not want my child to be alone early in life when my husband and I die. And I have a great relationship with my sibling. Even though they live abroad. However, I was still kind of 50/50. We decided we’d try for 3 months and if it didn’t happen we’d settle at one. It happened first try, month one. I was 40. We did have a moment of ‘oh shit’ but now they are late primary and secondary age and it is the best thing we ever did. Giving them each other. They squabble, there’s less money, but they enrich each others lives in ways I could not have foreseen.

traitorstraitors · 18/05/2026 13:03

There’s not really a right or wrong answer.

personally I have two and the relationship they have with each other brings me more joy than I ever could have imagined, as twee as that sounds.

I was an only child and seeing them together reinforces what I missed out on.

But they do fight and obviously life is a lot
more expensive with two. It’s swings and roundabouts.

I know one only child whose life looks very quiet, adult-orientated, serious and boring. I feel quite bad for him.

I know another only child who’s life is a whirlwind or fun and activities with her mum.

It’s just one factor of many and there’s no one size fits all.

Blondeshavemorefun · 18/05/2026 13:14

Very happy with one. She took 10yrs ttc and 5 private ivf so my miracle baby

if I was younger (almost 44 when gave birth) then maybe I would have wanted more /another but tbh overjoyed was a mummy

now she 9 and has a passion /hobby that costs £225 a month. There is no way I could afford to do that for 2 children

holidays. Just me and her and can afford Abroad as one child

we have a good life. She has most things she wants. I don’t say yes to everything but I know she appreciates what she has /that I have had to work for to provide for her

so yes happy with one

she has imagination and plays by herself lots. Equally we play babies and do things like /colouring/ trampoline/reading/games/make up etc

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