One and done with regrets?

[ShyLavender]

I know it’s a personal decision but would be interested to hear your wise advice/ experiences. cut a long story short I have one child who’s nearly 3. The plan was always to have 2 kids and we had been trying for 8 months when I had a miscarriage. Now I’m 2 months post that and I am strongly verging on being one and done. It’s like something has just changed within me. I’m mid 30s so it’s not as if I want to leave it a while to decide either. I just finally feel like I’m getting back to myself, our toddler sleeps well and we would be financially so much better off. Has anyone just had one and regretted it? Or has anyone had two and felt like they should have stuck with one (I know this would be a hard one to admit) thanks

I'd have been far happier as an only.

I think this is an age thing perhaps, I may be wrong but think this is the age they start to become aware of mortality. It doesn't make it easier to hear though!

I have two OP and regret may be too strong a word as I obviously don't regret my second and seeing the bond between them is wonderful, but I do think I would have been happier having one. And there's a lot to be said for a parent who knows their limits and are less stressed and happy. Children absolutely benefit for this and they are a lot of advantages and benefits of being a one and done family for both child and parents.

Having miscarriages is hard and if you've made the decision to stay at one then that's completely fine, you don't need to justify it to anyone. Sometimes as well we know we've made the right decision (such as to have one child) but can still have doubts or concerns that creep up and thats ok too. Most decisions have pros and cons too them and it's about weighing them up and knowing what is the best for you.

My mum and dad had three children. As we've got into adulthood, none of us get on so these big family dinners my parents probably envisioned just don't happen and they see us one at a time.

You can have this vision all you like of how many people you want at your dinner table and even if you have that amount of kids, doesn't mean it will work out!

Plus there's absolutely nothing wrong with a family table of one child and their parents. They might end up having kids, partners themselves. Family friends etc can join. Life and family isn't set in stone, it changes all the time.

I have one DD and both have regrets and don't have regrets, so not very helpful! On one hand, I get on really well with my brother and miss that DD won't have that sibling relationship. So regrets on that front. But DD gets more attention and more opportunities being an only. And whilst it would be lovely to have a bigger family, I also love our little family unit - we're close.

I had my first when i was barely 21. they are currently sitting GSCE's. I've solo parented this entire time.
I always imagined I would have 3.
You can't make a baby on your own. Some hard life experiences taught me you can't have dreams that rely on other people to make them happen, so I built a life for me and DC that was amazing without siblings and marriage. We have travelled the world, genuinely like each other company still even through teens, DC has had my undivided attention. Life is beautiful. I met DP 4 years ago, we live apart, at the start of this year I became pregnant on the coil. I made it to 11 weeks before the baby passed.

I desperately want another baby, all the hopes and dreams I dared not have when DC was small have come raging to the surface.

I still want 3 DC's. but I'm soon to be 38 so I don't think I'll get that. Money isn't a concern, we are both financially secure, both have equity in our houses, pensions, savings, good well-paid jobs etc. I just don't have time, and I don't want to be having children into my 40's. the shock of pregnancy between 20 and 37 was enough. I don't want to do it in 5 years even if I have the fertility. I also don't want to be supervising GCSE's (again) while pushing 60

Life will still be beautiful and full if I only have my 1 DC, but there will always be a ghost of what could have been.

We have one and he’s only 4.5 at the moment so I can’t speak to long term regrets, but I don’t regret it yet. The future with just one looks so exciting. I can believe love multiplies but money, time and patience don’t. Our son is set for life in terms of what big help we can give him in future, and his inheritance when we pass. We can live close by and be involved grandparents if that’s his path, rather than worrying about favouritism if siblings lived far apart. He’s also a lot better at socialising than many of the siblings we meet, many of them are downright possessive and codependent.

I’ve always thought the “imagine your table for holidays in future” that a previous poster mentioned to be rather dumb, to be honest. So many factors both in and out of your control as to whether you have all your children happily around the table each year. My brother and I can’t stand each other, we’ve never spent Christmas together since we had other options. My older half siblings got on really well with each other, but their parents divorced in their childhoods and now both siblings live on the other side of the world so my dad hasn’t had that twee table image at all.

I've never understood this argument that you need siblings in order to socialise.

Social skills are learnt from being with other people, people you aren't related to, how to act and behave with people you don't know, confidence in being groups or meeting and talking to new people are all things you learn outwith your family environment. The most antisocial person I know is my eldest sibling!

Friends aren't just add on or weak alternative to siblings. Research shows the strongest support networks and happiest people are those that include friendships and family and community links too. All are important. I think some people think if you've got siblings, you've no need for anyone else in your life which is an incredibly unhealthy and isolating way to be!

@mumbleleaf "I was an only child and can massively see the appeal in one way, I had a lovely childhood. But it's left me in a very hard position as an adult in terms of care for my parents who are now divorced and both single."

I was one of 2 children but it was still all down to me to care for our elderly parents. My brother didn't want to know, except for the odd phone call. My mother was in the same position with her parents too. She had a sister (my aunt) who did nothing to help with my grandparents. So there's no guarantee. In fact it's far more common than not for one adult child to be left with the caring duties.

Being brought into the world to ensure your sibling doesn’t have to do solo care for you when you’re old is a depressing reason to be born to be fair.

I have one teen dd and absolutely love it. I look around at my friend and family with 2 or more and thank god it’s not me. The mums are all stressed and the kids are either arguing or vying for parents attention.

my dd also loves being an only. Don’t know if she’ll always feel like that but she has loads of things that I never had - parental time and attention, able to follow a sport to a high level (love getting up at 4.45am 🤣), help with homework, holidays, concerts etc.
dd is very sociable and has lots of friends and cousins. When she’s out dh and I get to go to the pub, cinema, nice meal, gig etc without having to think of other children. Having so much time to ourselves is really good for our marriage. We having a loving calm home.

God that's such an outdated opinion.

I know many spoiled only children

Why do people still think only children are objects of pity. Can you imagine how offensive that is to someone who's maybe had infertility.

There's children out there who suffer abuse, neglect, poverty, grow up in the care system, have difficult and complex family relationships. An only child growing up with loving parents in a stable and happy home is absolutely nothing to feel sorry for.

Are some only children lonely? Of course, it'd be naive to think otherwise.

Do people with siblings suffer lonlieness? Absolutely. Lonlieness is something that impacts everyone

This is us. Two only children who married and now have an only child. We won’t be having another as finances would be too tight for the life we want to lead, the age gap is now too large for my liking, and we like things how they are and don’t want to change it. I was always worried about the gamble of having a child with a disability quite frankly, and also I know so many people who either have no interest in their siblings as adults or even actively despise them and have basically gone no contact. No cousins is definitely strange. But my cousins were all much older than me growing up and I’ve made my support circle of friends in adulthood which I’m sure my child will too.

And as a teacher I know many spoiled duo., Multi kids. It the quality of parenting not the quantity

🙄 absolute nonsense

Quite. All the care for my mum falls on me - I'm not an only child.

And all the care for my gran fell on my mum, who was one of EIGHT.

I hear of this all the time. My mum had to deal with it all and she’s one of 5. It’s up there with people who have very little to nothing at all to do with their siblings in adulthood. Some just grow into very different people and don’t see them much, some actively despise them.

Having multiple children is no guarantee of a bond for life.

More people to share your dining table doesn't have to mean having more children. There are many ways to build family and community.

Having your own multiple children isn't even any guarantee as well. My mum had to step in and provide a phemonal support to her aunt who lived 3 hours away. My mum worked full time, had 3 kids yet still did a lot of phone calls, travelled every fortnight to provide support etc.

My mums aunt had FOUR children who all lived close by yet were all beyond useless and more caught up in their own dramas and falling out with each other rather than supporting their own mother.

I can understand of course if you're an only child you'd want more support with an elderly parent, but a sibling is a far guarantee of this and certainly not a reason to have a second!

@PivotPivotmakingmargaritas you have completely misunderstood what I was saying. Sorry if it came across that way.

If you have struggled with baby / toddler years im
sorry you found it so hard. I hated the baby years and had PND.

We have one child and I am more than happy thinking that our child will come home with
their family. I didn’t picture additional children round the table. I felt content with what we had.

I think this is such an important point to make. I'm not downplaying the loneliness some only children might feel from a lack of family or how hard it is caring for a parent on your own. But there are a large number of posts you see on here from only children who seem to think that any sibling should exist solely to fulfill their own needs rather than realising any sibling would be a person in their own right with their own life.

I've seen some complain how hard it is to look after an elderly parent on their own (which is understandable) yet then go on to say how they wish they had a sibling so that they could have nieces and nephews to look after themselves in their own old age!! Or thinking that a sibling would fulfill every single need they had to not be lonely or be their entire support network. It would be grossly unfair to expect this younger sibling to be responsible for preventing the eldest going through any hardship in life. No one should have that pressure on them.

Children deserve to be brought into this world as a person in their own right, not to fulfill or meet the needs of the eldest.