Mediation and ex wanting primary custody

[confusedlady10]

Hi all,
I have my first MIAM/mediation assessment appointment coming up regarding my 6-year-old son and I’m overwhelmed.

My son has lived with me during the school week since 3 months old and spends weekends/half-terms with his dad, stepmum and 1-year-old half-brother (2 hours away).

We’ve had disagreements over our son’s health but we usually worked through things together. My dad even created a group chat in Feb for our son to address any concerns and my ex was collaborative then.

I have possible undiagnosed ADHD myself and organisation hasn’t always been my best. I accepted there are areas where I could have been more proactive with health concerns, and there are things I’ve reflected on and improved since.

Then about 2 months ago my ex asked me to come off CMS privately for around £20 more a month at pick up. I said I’m not sure in person and later text due to less protection. He replied at the door and in text that he would do what he needs to do legally and that in that case I had nothing to worry about. I replied saying I didn’t want things to go down the threatening court/legal route.

Since then I found out through the CAFCASS parenting plan (where he has now proposed our son live primarily with him) that he said our son had previously been accepted into a good school near his area. This was the first I’d heard of this and still haven’t been given an explanation.

I then found out through our son’s school a few weeks ago that he had emailed asking for my wraparound care payments I have made (he mentioned in the parenting plan that I rely on wraparound care). For data protection they refused but sent him our sons perfect school attendance. He doesn’t know I know.

I felt upset because I felt he hadn’t discussed concerns with me first and instead it feels like he is gathering evidence and doctor’s appointments rather than working through concerns collaboratively with me.

We recently had a school meeting for an ADHD referral as they think our son has traits affecting him socially. His dad brought up previous concerns such as old uniform, certain school dinners and tiredness in the past and suggested safeguarding concerns.

The safeguarding lead/deputy head said they had seen improvements made by me (uniform corrected, packed lunches etc), had no safeguarding concerns and our son hasn’t mentioned being tired recently.

They wanted us to focus on supporting him and the positives so was confused. I then admitted his dad wants primary custody. His dad became upset and left the meeting when they wouldn’t agree with safeguarding concerns.

I absolutely do not want to stop my son’s relationship with his dad. My son loves his dad, stepmum and sibling very much. I’m just emotionally drained and feel co-parenting has become very stressful since the CMS.

I’m open to discussing more flexibility/time where appropriate and want to show where I’ve addressed concerns, accepted shortcomings and improved things moving forward.

His dad seems to have a good lawyer and a much more polished “plan” regarding the structured life he wants with our son, with evidence and doc appts to paint me as a bad mum. I’m worried I’ll come across unprepared even though I’m very involved in my son’s life and trying to improve communication and stability with my ex. No idea what to do or prepare.

Thank you.

Do you have a solicitor? Can you get one ? You should , do not trust him , I see this daily at work, he will attack you on any low points you may have.

Please try not to worry OP. He’s bullying you and trying to make you feel like a bad parent and this is probably financially motivated.
You aren’t in an equal co-parenting relationship, no matter how much he might strop and insist you are. He has him for all the ‘fun’ time at the weekend and you have the through the week slog.
If things were equal, he would also have his son a day or two through the week, and if it were 50/50 he’d be equally responsible for any safeguarding concerns, so he can’t have it both ways! He’s either an equal co-parent or he isn’t.
In any case, I promise you that none of the issues you mention are safeguarding concerns. I’m a social worker and we wouldn’t be interested in any of this- we’d be advising the school to support you, as they have done, and you’ve clearly been working on those (minor) issues.
The court may look to increase his contact slightly to closer to a 50/50 arrangement, but not because there are any issues with your parenting. Because that’s generally what courts think is best for kids, in the absence of any reasons why it shouldn’t be 50/50.
I’m confident from what you’ve said that they won’t look to award full residence to him or give him more than 50/50.
Ignore any bullying or emotional manipulation tactics OP.

Would 50/50 be realistic if he lives 2 hours away? Who relocated?

Looks like he’s showing the professionals his true colours anyway when he didn’t like what was being said.

he has well and truly gaslight you into believing you have shortcomings. So what if his uniform for a bit small, it’s what happens with growing kids and busy lives.

I think if it’s going to court anyway you need to go for eow as well as your week days, you deserve downtime with him as well.

God he has done a big number on your self esteem. No one ever parent's perfectly but your parenting is absolutely good enough and he is trying to undermine you. You need to be a bit more strategic. He has a strategy of trying to undermine you, pay less money. Your strategy is to be a great parent and document what you are doing. Don’t let his strategy win.

eow at your’s will be better (in addition to the current weekdays) particularly as he gets older and wants to be sociable with his peers.

Christ on a bike. The concerns and issues you've raised, are not even in combination actual issues.
Having tired looking uniform and needing replacements but waiting for a bit is not an issue its the current state of a significant amount of children in the country who then go on to turn up the next term in pristine uniforms.
Not liking a few school dinners even if you continue to rely on school dinners again is not an issue its only a concern if your childs actual health suffers as a result, not every child will like every meal and its a positive goal to try and encourage them to eat whats available even if they would prefer something else. If hes going to try and say school dinners are a safeguarding issue then hes not going to get anyone who matters to take him seriously.
Your child having dry skin on his face is not at all unusual and you addressed it so no issue.

What exactly do you mean by hes more proactive with doctors appointments where as you are review and what not? Because based on his other complaints im also wondering if thats HIM being the issue because running off to the doctors unnecessarily and not having the confidence to manage standard common typical childhood illnesses that do not in themselves need a doctor is far more of a parenting issue than what I think your describing is your approach.
Im assuming your child hasn't had any serious medical issues or occasions where a doctor is actually needed and you have failed to obtain medical help?

It very much sounds like hes done a number on you and is gaslighting you to the point where your actually believing your the problem.

You sound like a good and caring mum. He also sounds like a decent dad? It sounds like you just have different views so hopefully mediation helps find the best. Courts won’t want to change son’s routine etc unless it really benefits him.

The only thing you’ve said is about the school commenting and speaking with you about his appearance and uniform? What exactly have they said? Or merely a passing comment? It’s unusual for a teacher to discuss a child’s appearance with a parent I would have thought, so what exactly was said about what there?

Im a primary school teacher and lots of kids wear ill fitting clothes and shoes. Obviously its not ideal but I know kids grow quickly and it might be overlooked. I wouldnt think of it as a safeguarding concern on its own. Continuously coming in with very dirty/unwashed clothes or no coat in winter then I would worry.

I would class this as post separation abuse. Your ex partner is being very devious and is not co parenting with you when he is trying to gain sole custody of your son and trying to move him to another school. Well done for not agreeing to come off CMS for an extra £20! Keep all texts and emails as evidence try to have all conversations in writing. You should contact Refuge for support with this. Here is the national domestic abuse helpline 0808 2000 247

Also I meant to say that regarding son being possibly ADHD it is possible that you may have ADHD as lots of parents are diagnosed after their children are. If you have undiagnosed ADHD then you will be struggling with a lot of things that others just take for granted. See your GP and raise this with them. Good luck 👍

Thank you! 50/50 would be impossible as we live 2 hours apart. He gets majority half terms already and split summers. Thank you!

I left when our sons was 3 months old due to being unhappy and moved back to my old family house. His dad allowed me to stay the primary carer due to our son being a newborn at the time. My ex gets majority half terms and summers already so it’s kinda 60/40 already.

my son is getting assessed for ADHD due to traits that the school have noticed, which is why they brought up the uniform. Our son doesn’t have many friends due to his social skills and they brought her that the uniform could also be affecting him due to it being old or worn. They told my ex in his parents evening and told me that his face looked dry. My ex brought new uniform as did I and this was resolved. I admitted my shortcoming which the school acknowledged also and had no safeguarding concerns.

The concerns raised are not major safeguarding concerns, and have been addressed. I wouldn't worry about those at all. Ensure you have the dates and evidence of what you ddi to fix this, and that you can confidentaly say no school person has ever questioned it again and in fact have assured you and your ex that this is no longer a concern.

I would get a solicitor or look into some support. Speak to local womens groups etc - you need someone with you in mediation and this man routinely bullies and abuses you.

Ask the school if they'd be willing to provide a statement on his questions and behaviour oin the meeting where he stormed out. for the school to refer to you as the primary parent is 100% reasonable - you are the one who is there 5 days a week, you're the one organising wraparound care, you are the one who is the first person they call.

Remember that any changes must be in the best interest of the child. It seems unlikely that such a major uphgealval to his life, and spending so much less time iwth you - his priamy carer - is likely to be a positive for him, particularly if he's likely ND and is already on an assessment pathway locally with you.

Also list all the things he'd lose if he swapped - friends, childcare, responsible adults etc.

I woud agree you should actually be getting some weekends. Even if itw as just something like every second saturday he only goes to his dad later so you get the friday night/saturday morning.

I wouldn’t worry in that case as they’re most definitely not concerned about safeguarding.

I don’t think they’ll want to disrupt his routine.