Mediation and ex wanting primary custody

[confusedlady10]

Hi all,
I have my first MIAM/mediation assessment appointment coming up regarding my 6-year-old son and I’m overwhelmed.

My son has lived with me during the school week since 3 months old and spends weekends/half-terms with his dad, stepmum and 1-year-old half-brother (2 hours away).

We’ve had disagreements over our son’s health but we usually worked through things together. My dad even created a group chat in Feb for our son to address any concerns and my ex was collaborative then.

I have possible undiagnosed ADHD myself and organisation hasn’t always been my best. I accepted there are areas where I could have been more proactive with health concerns, and there are things I’ve reflected on and improved since.

Then about 2 months ago my ex asked me to come off CMS privately for around £20 more a month at pick up. I said I’m not sure in person and later text due to less protection. He replied at the door and in text that he would do what he needs to do legally and that in that case I had nothing to worry about. I replied saying I didn’t want things to go down the threatening court/legal route.

Since then I found out through the CAFCASS parenting plan (where he has now proposed our son live primarily with him) that he said our son had previously been accepted into a good school near his area. This was the first I’d heard of this and still haven’t been given an explanation.

I then found out through our son’s school a few weeks ago that he had emailed asking for my wraparound care payments I have made (he mentioned in the parenting plan that I rely on wraparound care). For data protection they refused but sent him our sons perfect school attendance. He doesn’t know I know.

I felt upset because I felt he hadn’t discussed concerns with me first and instead it feels like he is gathering evidence and doctor’s appointments rather than working through concerns collaboratively with me.

We recently had a school meeting for an ADHD referral as they think our son has traits affecting him socially. His dad brought up previous concerns such as old uniform, certain school dinners and tiredness in the past and suggested safeguarding concerns.

The safeguarding lead/deputy head said they had seen improvements made by me (uniform corrected, packed lunches etc), had no safeguarding concerns and our son hasn’t mentioned being tired recently.

They wanted us to focus on supporting him and the positives so was confused. I then admitted his dad wants primary custody. His dad became upset and left the meeting when they wouldn’t agree with safeguarding concerns.

I absolutely do not want to stop my son’s relationship with his dad. My son loves his dad, stepmum and sibling very much. I’m just emotionally drained and feel co-parenting has become very stressful since the CMS.

I’m open to discussing more flexibility/time where appropriate and want to show where I’ve addressed concerns, accepted shortcomings and improved things moving forward.

His dad seems to have a good lawyer and a much more polished “plan” regarding the structured life he wants with our son, with evidence and doc appts to paint me as a bad mum. I’m worried I’ll come across unprepared even though I’m very involved in my son’s life and trying to improve communication and stability with my ex. No idea what to do or prepare.

Thank you.

so me and my daughters dad split up about 4 years ago he’s just got with a new partner no problem in that one bit as people move on the problem is he introduced this new person without even mentioning it to me my daughter come home and told me about her he also keeps arguing with me now more than ever does anyone know if mediation will help regarding this

What do you argue about?

Well he thinks im jealous as iv tried to set a boundary for my daughter she went to there house second meeting and was left upstairs with her son of 14 baring in mind there still strangers then I get this person has played more with our daughter more than I ever have ect so gets into arguments

Sorry iv just realised this is your post I must of wrote on it by mistake without making my own post apologies

Your ex is gaslighting you, trying to make you feel like a bad parent. Don’t rise to it. He’s also trying to avoid paying the proper amount of CMS - he’s likely had a massive pay rise so is hoping to keep it secret.
There is an app recommended by the courts where communication is difficult - I’d advise you to use this moving forward. It is monitored so that either party has to be reasonable towards each other. Have a look - it may be useful.
Do not engage in discussion with him about school - your DS is already in school, he doesn’t need to be moved.
https://www.mediateuk.co.uk/5-top-parenting-and-co-parenting-apps-for-separating-couples/

Have the previous safegaurding issues been resolved or just improved? Are you now on top of the medical issues? Has he been to a dentist in the last 6 months?

From your post it sounds as if his main driver is financial. However it sounds like there have been some issues with your care that he may use against you.

i think in general courts don’t like to change existing arrangements without a very good reason.

so you can do is concentrate on their not being a good reason for your ex to have him more.

why don’t you have any weekends? You get all the hard work of the week without any of the social time?

@confusedlady10 I think @Soontobe60 has a valid point. Why would ex want to stop going through cms all of a sudden and try to bribe you with 20£ + / month? Obviously because he's had a rise and wants to avoid the cms augmentation. Stick to CMS please- that way you do not have to deal with him using child maintainance as a stick if you don't comply with his wishes.

You need to get EVERYTHING documented in your contact with him - he will try to use anything against you so never write to him in anger. He probably wants to get custody in order to pay less but it's not in your child's interest if he has always lived with you. He's a manipulative dick so don't let your guard down.

We are already on a parenting app as per his request of recent. **Thank you!

You need to really really prepare. He is going to go into court and tear you apart. You need to be preparing evidence now. To show that you are meeting your son's needs . Is he up to date with dentist and opticians yearly appointments. You can get the schools report on you, our school calls it CPOMS I don't know if it's the same for everyone. But you can email the school, state under the freedom of information act you are requesting all information stored about your son. CAFCAS will speak to the school to ask if they have any concerns, it might be worth speaking to the school about them specifying between historic and current concerns. CAFCAS are very good at picking sides and manipulating the information given to them. He is polished and organised, they will take his side. They shouldn't pick sides, but they will.

He is going in in a much stronger position but he is arguing to change the status quo, to move his sons school, that is a huge request to upheave his sons life. He needs very strong evidence. You need to show that you're good enough.

Is your son involved in clubs, receiving support from the school. Anything of value in his life that he would lose by moving to his dad's.

I have never missed a single dentist appointment for my son since he was born until now he’s gone to regular dentist and docs appointments. His dad is more proactive in the doc ones where I am a more monitor and review.

And the concerns at the school raised have never alluded to safeguarding just things to work on. I had a stressful job change and transitionined into new job and admitted I let my sons standards slip.

They brought up in parents evening (seperate appointments) that our sons uniform looked a bit worn and small and that his face looked dry, so could be affecting him socially (and the ADHD traits separately). So his dad gave me a whole bag of new uniform and I also bought the same and replaced our sons shoes and admitted I had let my job and stress get the better of me.

I then hired a solicitor for an hour. And explained every single shortcoming that I’ve had and she told me that it’s highly unlikely that a court would award him primary custody based on this alone if there are no safeguarding concerns.

So then later when we went to the school to get an ADHD referral and have a meeting, the dept head/safeguarding lead called me the primary parent (due to location) in a passing comment. And she validated my ex in that she did bring concerns to me but they have been addressed and our sons looks have improved and with me switching to packed lunch where he doesn’t like school dinners, and had no concerns with him saying he was tired. She wanted to focus on the positives and his referral.

3/4 of the way through when she called me the primary parent and refused to state any safeguarding comcens, my ex blew up about how I am not the primary parent to her and that we are equal and said he had a lawyer. Then he stormed out.

We haven’t gotten to court yet. I have my first initial mediation appointment soon and don’t even know exactly what my ex wants.

I thought courts would want to avoid all of this and uprooting a child’s life? I had no idea they would be able to favour him like this. Now I am even more worried. I am working on the concerns he has. Do you think I don’t have a chance in this case? We haven’t gone to court yet, just mediation.

He goes to church, and football at his dads on weekends and tutoring. He would lose that if we swapped. He was doing Kung Fu at mine then I changed jobs and now he goes to wrap around care where he plays football and multi skills which he loves. He doesn’t have many friends at school (maybe like 1-2) as he does not understand their boundaries and personality traits. We are getting him assessed for ADHD and I have a GP appointment coming up.

He has three friends outside of school, one of which is known since he was born and he has openly told me that he does not have any friends near his dad’s house that he knows. So he would end up losing the things he does at his dad and have to make friends from scratch (all while the ADHD assessment is going ahead and working on his social skills).

Because I have major majority term time, I was happy to give him majority weekends and half term to make it equal. And I was working weekends in my old job too.

The usual friendship advice would be to invite friends round for playdates outside of school but with his current living arrangements that isn’t possible.

he doesn’t have many friends at school due to his behaviour. We’re working on that and he has three friends outside of the school that he sees quite often.

It’s not equal though in terms of the sort of time DC is sending with you.

weekends are time for relaxation/ fun family activities etc.

if you don’t work weekends now you should have EOW.

you need to be assertive here op

I’m scared to ask for more because I feel like he’s got a good case against me in highlighting my shortcomings to try and take my son away for primary custody anyway.

So I’m trying to show that I’m not unreasonable and give him more outside term time so that he allows me to keep my son during the week.

OP you sound like you are being quite badly bullied by your ex.
I think some local support would be good for you.
Are there any womens support charities local to you?
It is not up to your ex to 'allow' you time with your child....

that is not the way it works op.

it’s about what is best for the DC. And that is to have weekends with both of you.

remove your own and ex needs from the question , and money ( apart from the obvious that you need to works to house and feed you)and always ask for what is best for DC.

be assertive now op as once court order is done it will be hard to change. They will want to see that you can stand up to ex to get the best for child. If he is motivated by money they will see this .

He sounds like he’s controlling you big time.

When do you get a chance to do anything fun with your son if you only have him during the week?!

You need a solicitor. You are making some terrible concessions and letting him bully you.

Normally if dads dont go for custody or make a fight for more time they're lambasted on here asking why they havent and its seen as evidence they dont care

OP very likely the children wont change primary residence with you, there would have been signficant grounds to make a big change to the status quo like that and even if there are minor need issues, things you need to improve on, it would be considered in their best interests to remain with you unless there are other issues at play here which you havent set out

I can't see how DS not liking school dinners and outgrowing clothes are shortcomings of yours?

I wonder if any of these supposed shortcomings are due to the different parenting needed for some ND children. I'm thinking of my own DC here who have sensory issues with food, refuse new clothes because they aren't soft like worn ones, and it's a trial to get them even two showers a week.