How can I address my white son's racial slurs, when we live in a mixed race household?

[Concerned89]

Afternoon All,

Never done this before, so apologies if there's any particular way this usually goes.

I have an issue, that I need advice on. To give context, my wife and I have 6 kids, 5 live with us and 1 of mine lives with an ex. One child, we'll call him Jospeh, is my eldest son at 15, very nearly 16, is from that previous relationship but asked to move in with us 3 years ago (he is brother to the other child I referenced). Me and my sons are white, my wife is mixed race and so are here kids.

I've just had my son's phone screen fixed and took the opportunity to have a look though his phone, its something we are open about in the house that if we have any reason to want to do a "phone check" that we can. We've had a few instances where we thought he had been lying to us.

Looking through the phone, was a chat between a friend where he's talking about a gathering and whether he got with a girl, my son said "no as she was a N-Word, couldn't catch me with a C."

I'd like to say that despite the quite clearly racist and offensive language, my true belief is that he has used it to be "amusing" (I know how this sounds) in front of his friends and not as an intent to cause harm or offense. That doesn't make what he said any better, but I think the context of intent plays a part.

I have to break it to my black wife, that my white son has said this, and other references which aren't as blunt in a similar manner (i.e "waddup (ninja emoji)). She is someone who has suffered racism first hand and will not take this lightly.

I then have to have the conversation with my son.

I have no particular questions really, I just know it's going to be a hard day, so welcoming any advice or help that might help me navigate this, do I tell my wife and then just ride the wave that comes with it?

I'd like to think 6 kids deep I'm a pretty good parent, but this is hitting me differently and I sure know it'll be smack in the face to his step mum who has had nothing but his best interests at heart.

I'd be kicking him out.

At best, take his phone away and make it clear to him you do not tolerate ANY racism.

I don’t think you should tell your wife but I do think you should talk to him.

Don't be silly.

I think you have to talk to your ex wife first but then talk to your wife and all come up with a plan on how to talk to him as as you know by now, he’ll probably try to blow it off as banter and you actually need to know a is he racist and b does he have a problem with his step sibling, what are his thoughts, also maybe to try to deduce how he’d feel if he heard someone else talking about his step sibling. Sorry op, it’s a tough one (btw I disagree with the above person’s suggestion to kick him out!!)

You don't kick your child out of their home over a text message.

Unless you're a terrible parent (and a massive twat)

The child has another home to go to and his racism is potentially putting the other children he lives with at risk

We don't know he has another home to go to for sure do we.

I don't think you need to tell your wife before you discipline your son.

Just be very calm and tell him you've seen some messages on his phone with offensive language and ask how he thinks someone would feel if they saw a message like that about themselves. If he says 'I don't know' say 'How would you feel about someone calling you slurs because of your skin colour'. Then remind him how seriously his school would take it if they heard him use offensive language like that and that it could lead to an expulsion. Ask if he wants that. Then leave it. He's old enough to know what he did was wrong and being caught and told you dislike it should hopefully be sufficient.

I don't think OP should kick his son out. I say this as the Black parent of two mixed-race children.

OP - I do think you are minimalising this by saying you think he was just trying to be amusing not offensive. This is delusional talk. Your son is a racist and you need to address this.

I would not tell your wife, I'd talk with your son and his mum first. I also think if you found out how boys of 15/16 talk about women, race differences, sexuality, porn, sex, rape, it would make your hair curl. I hear them on the bus and have seen Whatsapp chats, and this is completely awful but normalised- this also goes on in mixed race friendship groups as well, again, heard it and seen it.

No excuses, you can say your piece, he was 'chatting shit' as the saying goes to a friend, he did not say it to your wife or to the other children and I think you are stirring a whole big pot if you tell her and she tells them.

I would call him up on it and talk to him straight as his Dad. It's not your wife's child, and he needs parenting by you and his Mum.

He also needs guidance and calling on it, I suspect he was showing off and will be mortified, it may not even be what he believes or feels.

The more you cause the family to rock, the more likely you are to lose him and to cause a permanent rift. He's young and immature and needs teaching and calling out, not excluding at this stage.

I honestly wouldn't keep it from her, I know it will hurt her, but if she found about it after the fact, she'd be much more hurt. This act of "protection" would just feel like I've tried to cover it up.

The adults in his life need to deal with this calmly like adults.
His comments are likely a silly bit of bravado but he needs to know how very wrong it is and that these things should never be said. I would simply have words with him.
Teenagers have a desperate need to fit in and do the silliest things to try and achieve this. It does not mean they are bad ... they are just navigating the shallows of adulthood.
He needs you to be firm about how disappointed you are to see this, and also how hurtful such language can be. That it is not a small thing.
It does not mean he is fundamentslly racist.

This is a parenting issue between you and your ex. I would not start by talking to your current wife.

To the poster who suggested kicking his son out, don’t be ridiculous. If there actually is a safety issue, this parent needs to actively parent his child away from his step-children. His child must be the priority over his relationship.

As for how to address it, I would start by talking to your son and finding out why he thinks this language is appropriate. Language is a difficult thing to punish. You need to focus on education. Once you have an idea of his motivations, you can decide on how to address the issue.

With my child we might both read books or articles that speak to the damage this kind of language creates. Then we would have a discussion about what we have learned. That is my child and our family though. Philosophical discussions are the key for my child.

I disagree, you want to get emotional support from her. She is not his Mum. He is immature and young. It is not a good idea to 'report' on a child sometimes to another family member, you are essentially going to wreck her peace of mind for a silly racist (as it was) remark he made at a young age which was private and not for your eyes and just crap boys say to each other (read on, you will see what they say about women and girls in a minute).

I think see if he is sorry, mortified and you can have a good conversation. Then if appropriate, tell your wife later on, when you have handled it. Step families and blended families are a nightmare, you are in danger of detonating yours IMO.

He thinks he's being cool and edgy, but he doesn't have real experience of racism and he's not black or Asian or mixed race so he's appropriating other people's experiences to seem interesting.

I think i would ask him about how those messages might land with his step siblings if they saw them. Does he hear that language among his friends/peer group? Are they all white or does he hear this language from black friends and copy them? If he does and it's common at school and the kids he hangs around with at school I would consider calling his HOY and speaking to them about what messaging they do about language at school.

He's definitely chatting shit to impress his mates. My mixed black/white daughter has to put up with white boys in class calling each other "N" because they think its funny and cool. Occasionally they will look over at her and say oops, or can we have a "N pass". Pull him up on it privately. It is not acceptable.

Believe me , a 15 year old knows exactly what he is doing using the N word. You need to call it what it is OP - out and out racism. And I agree that you shouldn’t keep it from your wife, and if she’s hurt and angry he needs to see that. He needs to own the consequences of his words even if he didnt mean for you to find out.

Im white but dealing with and have dealt with inter racial relationships with my children. Does he think because hes part of a multi racial house he is entitled to use the words that black people are allowed to use? Was the person he was chatting with also white?

I am very much of the culture that is the N and C word is so offensive then black people shouldnt be able to use it either after my white child was called "trailer trash" within the black children of the friendship group on a falling out. Thats not racist though 🙄

My wife is my rock and we've built a loving trusting relationship which I do not intend on potentially harming by keeping this from her, it is out of the question. My ex will of course will be consulted as part of this.

Just because I said my wife will be rightly very upset, doesn't mean she isn't strong enough to handle it.

Definitely don't kick him out! Entirely the wrong thing to do and could potenially backfire with him doubling down on his racism. And it is racist, no matter what way you look at it. As others have said, all adults need to come together to discuss course of action, including your wife. As the only person of colour in this situation, she's best placed to give meaningful advice. Could it be a teaching moment? Why the word is offence, what it feels like to be on the receiving end. As an ethnic minority myself, it's how I would want it handled.

Agree, just keep it private between you and your son. It’ll likely shame him if you start sharing it with the wider family and that’ll deepen the issue.

I think that you have to take the bull by the horns, OP. The way to deal with situations like this is to ask questions. Get him to explain his reasoning. Ask him why it’s funny. Don’t attack, don’t argue, make him explain. Stay calm. Ask what he meant by the comments. Why he said what he did. What is his rationale. Keep asking.

This is a recognised technique. If you have a go at him, it won’t work, he’ll double down get defensive and you’ll get nowhere.

But do it in the presence of your wife.

You do have to have the conversation and I would have it in front of your wife.
Those words are very unacceptable and completely hurtful to you and your wife.
He may not really understand how low some people who use such terms are. But by using them he is signalling to others his beliefs are the same as theirs.
Has he ever met a racist ? I have once. It has stayed with me all my life.
He needs to grasp that you don’t use that language amongst friends. There is nothing impressive about it.
If he is a racist then you will find out soon enough. And he can go back to live with his mother.
If he is mixing with people who are hard nosed racists he needs to stop. He is putting his family in potential danger. Anything from real violence to smear campaigns, to stuff through the letterbox.
I suppose basically, nip this in the bud.

Educate him! My DD’s came home from school saying “everyone” used the n word. We took that information and had a chat about the impact of the word and why it isn’t just a swear word, it is never acceptable. We watched some great films that showed American history and chatted about the themes etc. I don’t think discipline is the right angle here as teens like to rebel, this is more about understanding the true hurt the word causes in society.

If he lives with you why do you need to consult your ex? The punishment is coming from your house so why do you need to involve her?