How can we manage our 12-year-old refusing family holidays?

[GentleAzureBear]

My 12 year old is refusing to go on holidays with us.

We have a 2 week holiday planned in france with a few days at disneyland paris.

we did the same holiday last year and he appeared to have a good time, the only issue i can think of is that we were there during the heatwave last year and it was very very hot. In Dec 2025 he refused to go on another trip on the morning we were due to leave and we had to leave him with his grandparents last minute. I am afraid he will do that on us again, and honestly - its such a waste of money as holidays for 5 work out so much dearer.

He does have asd and adhd and one of his siblings has a severe disability.

I honestly don't know how to manage this. My parents live 40 miles away from us and he can stay with them. We have been doing the same kind of holidays for the past few years. All 3 of our children love swimming so we go to center parcs, so its something that is more or less the norm for us. For disney we have priority passes as his sister is a wheelchair user, and we are staying off site to allow us to get away for a break during the day if it is too busy.

I really want him to come with us, but this has gone on for months and is ramping up now we are about 6 weeks away from going. This afternoon he actually held a knife to his throat and told me he'd slit it if i made him go.

Do I give in and say he can stay at home? I'll miss him but honestly, when he bailed on our other trip he didn't seem concerned at all.

He's telling you very clearly that he doesn't want to go - I would say allow him agency to make his own decision here. He'll have a lovely time doing his own thing and you will too - and then you can all swap holiday stories when you're back together 😊

When I saw the title, I thought just make him. But then I read your post, he has autism and has threatened to kill himself.

That's not normal stroppy 12 year old.

That's a child who genuinely doesn't want to go. My guess is he finds the change in routine too much.

Leave him home

Is he happy to go to his GPs and are they happy to have him? It sounds as if he has had enough of this holiday even if it works for you and the other children. We got to the age of 15 when our son said he would sooner spend a week with his GPs and then go to Scout Camp.

How terrifying about the suicide threat! It seems clear that he can't be made to go, the distress for all of you is bound to be huge.

I'm so sorry for the situation you're in. Could anyone else have him, even for a week, and you come back early? Is there any help you can access due to his diagnoses?

My eldest is undiagnosed but has many mild (don't know how else to put it) autistic symptoms. He's never enjoyed holidays, they overwhelm him. As xh and I are not together, ds1 stays with his dad and I go with ds2.

Hope you can get it sorted and access ongoing support.

He is telling you quite clearly that he doesn't want to go. Dragging a reluctant pre-teen round Disney will be miserable for everyone, and if he is autistic I can quite understand why he would not enjoy all the noise and crowds.

Talk to your parents. See if he can stay with them.

Before I read 'This afternoon he actually held a knife to his throat and told me he'd slit it if i made him go.' I was going to say what do you mean by manage? You tell him to stop being such an ungrateful child who doesn't want to go on a holiday with his family that other kids would dream of, and the conversation stops there. I mean he can't stay at home alone, he has no option to just go with you. Its not even something I'd entertain. He's 12, not 17.

But that's shocking. Its also rather concerning, - shouldn't this post be, 'My child held a knife to their throat and threatened me today. Who do I call?'

I wouldn't dream of leaving an out of control child with his grandparents. Have you got professional help for this? It sounds horrendous. I wouldn't be being black mailed by my own kid. What would he actually do if you did just ignore all conversations about this? He seems to be gaining a lot of attention from it?

thanks for the replies

i will just be worried that if i change things now and amend our bookings to remove him and he changes his mind then he'll be really sad.

My parents are happy to have him. We do live next door to his other GPs but FIL has parkinsons and MIL has recently had a major depressive episode, which has meant that she cannot drive and we do live rurally. My MIL did put the idea in his head months ago before she was unwell but now she isn't in a position to look after him.

My heart goes out to you @GentleAzureBear . I also have a 12yo DS with Autism and ADHD, he hates holidays too. We are trying a shorter one this summer for 5 nights. We'll see what comes of that when the summer holidays arrive.

I think agree that he doesn't have to go and try to find out what's going on underneath, which I know is a lot easier said than done.

Have you asked him what he would like to do for a holiday? Usually these things are a family discussion. Disneyland and CPs are both very crowded holidays maybe he hates it. Does your daughter in a wheelchair always come first?

Do you take him away one to one? Just the two of you to do something of his choosing?

Honestly, I’m generally of the he needs to suck it up and get on with it (I would never allow one of mine to miss a family holiday, they’d be bundled in the car and that would be that).

But I bet that holidays with a severely disabled sibling involve a lot of him having to just get on with stuff already. My guess is they probably enjoy different sorts of activities especially now he’s getting older. And the holidays are really catered to his siblings needs, not to his enjoyment.

I’d ask him to plan a trip for the two of you and do that instead of these family holidays. You can do the same for his sibling too. My dc are different ages with different interests and about half our holidays are solo ones with just Dh or I with one of them (other stays home with other dc).

Could you contact the holiday company and ask how flexible the booking is?

He is getting couselling in school but honestly, after diagnosis we've really struggled to access any help. I might re call the GP as I honestly cannot live like this. Last time i spoke to them they refused to refer to camhs, but honestly, this isn't normal behaviour.

yes, he was happy to go back after last year. This has only been over the past 6 months or so and we booked this last summer when we returned. He was excited to return and had been watching youtube vids about where we are staying.

He did say he wants to go to spain like all his friends. But we cannot do that sort of holiday the minute, mainly due to his sister, yes. She has a lot of stuff that is just too hard to fly with for a long break.

If there is an option to stay with his grandparents and they don't mind I would just let him. If there wasn't this option it would be different.

He doesn't want to go because it's too busy, too much going on, his head is probably buzzing, he's overstimulated. He's saying quite clearly that he wants a bit of peace and quiet. Try asking him how he would like to spend a holiday.

It is too soon to change for this year but could you consider driving down to Spain another year?

i would absolutely do this for him.

thanks for all the replies so far. if he really doesn't want to go i honestly won't force him. Just sad he doesn't want to come

Next year I don't think i'll bother booking anything in advance and maybe just get something last minute that everyone will agree to.

in some areas cahms won’t accept referrals if the child concerned has autism as they say that autism is not a mental health issue.

in all honesty many children with autism hate crowds and noise. He’s communicating very clearly with you that he doesn’t want to. Probably best if you don’t make him.

I have an AuDHD child (and husband) who both find holidays difficult.

I would suggest booking a bit later, considering taking the kids separately, quieter trips, shorter trips, return to same destination if successful.

We do go abroad but never for more than a week and go to Searles in Hunstanton rather than CP or Haven.

It sounds like you’re trying to balance a complex mix of needs to find the right holidays so maybe a bit of divide and conquer is the way so everyone gets something they enjoy. Could you take him away for a few days somewhere else? (U.K. obviously!)

DS loves going away but would hate what you have planned, thankfully though as he is an only child I can plan our holidays around him but you have the tricky side of balancing everyone’s needs!

(we do cruises from Southampton which works well for all the medical supplies we have to take)

I think changing your booking and leaving him this year with GPs is the way to go. If he does change his mind just before you go then he will have to accept this is something that cannot be accommodated. But as he reacted so strongly to this trip he seems very certain he doesn’t want to go. Perhaps tell him you will change the booking so he doesn’t have to come but you cannot change it back at the last minute.

You must have no experience of an ASD child.

Ours threatened to jump out of a window and tried to get out of a moving car when he was 8.

We stopped making him go on holiday when he was 12. We take turns taking the other DC away, or have time away together and GPs stay in our house.

Op leave him at home.

I think threats to life are not uncommon with AuDHD. Everything just feels overwhelming at times.

DD made such threats a couple of times when younger.

If you relent you are telling him he can opt out of family life. Every year my eldest (autistic) didn’t want to go on holiday, every year I made her come and she enjoyed it. She didn’t like the thought of change