How can we manage our 12-year-old refusing family holidays?

[GentleAzureBear]

My 12 year old is refusing to go on holidays with us.

We have a 2 week holiday planned in france with a few days at disneyland paris.

we did the same holiday last year and he appeared to have a good time, the only issue i can think of is that we were there during the heatwave last year and it was very very hot. In Dec 2025 he refused to go on another trip on the morning we were due to leave and we had to leave him with his grandparents last minute. I am afraid he will do that on us again, and honestly - its such a waste of money as holidays for 5 work out so much dearer.

He does have asd and adhd and one of his siblings has a severe disability.

I honestly don't know how to manage this. My parents live 40 miles away from us and he can stay with them. We have been doing the same kind of holidays for the past few years. All 3 of our children love swimming so we go to center parcs, so its something that is more or less the norm for us. For disney we have priority passes as his sister is a wheelchair user, and we are staying off site to allow us to get away for a break during the day if it is too busy.

I really want him to come with us, but this has gone on for months and is ramping up now we are about 6 weeks away from going. This afternoon he actually held a knife to his throat and told me he'd slit it if i made him go.

Do I give in and say he can stay at home? I'll miss him but honestly, when he bailed on our other trip he didn't seem concerned at all.

I do recommend the ferry to Spain, not cheap with the cabin that’s extra but ideal as you take your own car. Look at places like Gijon, we actually had a night last year really close to the Bilbao ferry terminal in a little resort called Castro urdiales. Northern Spain is quieter and my dd found it less overwhelming, we typically stopped in hotels which weren’t aimed at families deliberately as dd couldn’t cope with noise

Yes, I could possibly drag my 13 year old on something she really didn't want to do.

Her black mood would then be epic and probably waste around 48 hours of an expensive week.

Why take the risk?!

He is telling you loud and clear that this holiday is beyond his window of tolerance. Does he want to go on any holiday? Did you involve him in the planning of the holiday?

I’ve stopped going on holidays now and tbh I feel relieved as it was more stressful trying to get my teen with audhd to go 🥺. Prior to teen years, we had travelled well, multiple times a year so I will just have to wait until I can go alone when my child is an adult.

Please do. I know the services are stretched but this is no good for any of you.