Grandparents not making any effort

[Anne8888]

Every time I ask my mum to look after her my children (which is VERY rarely) she avoids the question. She always slags my brother off to me whenever he asks her to look after their children (again very rare)
She’s really good with my children whist I’m there but it’s like she doesn’t want to look after them and doesn’t make the effort to come to my house etc, it’s all one sided and she wouldn’t see them if I didn’t go to hers.
However, my partners parents want to come watch them play football and swimming etc, will offer to look after them. Again, my friends parents always offer to look after and take their children out. I can’t help but feel jealous of that bond. I genuinely feel like I’m forcing them to be in their grandchildren’s life and it shouldn’t be like that.
I just feel like I should stop asking my parents but I don’t understand why they wouldn’t want to make the effort with their grandchildren I find it bizarre.
It’s just not how I’d see myself as a grandparent. I’ve asked her to have the children on Sunday for a few hours but I had to ask 3 times because she just avoids the question. She asks me why etc and then never says yes or no. It’s really frustrating and I don’t even know why I bother asking. Anyway, she said yes after I asked her for the third time and told her I don’t like asking her because she never replies to me. Now I feel like I want to say something to address it.

Why do you keep asking her to do something she obviously doesn't want to do? How would you feel if somebody kept ignoring your wishes like that? You sound very entitled.

This isn't about a 'bond' or them coming to visit you.

This is about childcare.

Seeing and bonding with grandchildren is completely different to being expected to look after them.

Fine if they want to but equally fine if they don't, because afterall they are your children.

I know it can feel unfair, but maybe she’s just not that into young children, particularly if her response is consistent with your brother for his kids.

It could be for any number of reasons. Maybe she is too tired, too busy, or just doesn’t like the young kid age. Maybe she will have an amazing bond with them when they are teenagers but she can’t relate to them as younger children.

Is your concern coming mostly from wanting them to have a bond, or because you want childcare from her? If the latter, it could be that she feels taken advantage of.

(You might also find you get more replies if you move the thread to the parenting or chat topics rather than family planning.)

Yes and I’ve just explained that I only ever go to hers and she never makes the effort to come to mine

@Giraffeandthedog its the fact that she doesn’t make any effort to come and see us that bothers me the most. My partners parents come to ours, come and watch activities, offer to look after our children but my parents don’t do any of that at all. We always have to go to them.

Does she like children generally? And how busy is she?

If she loves children generally and has a very relaxed schedule, that would point to a different underlying issue than if she has always disliked kids and works long hours while caring for your grandparents.

@Giraffeandthedog she doesn’t work and she is good with my children when I’m around.

The signs are all there in her behaviour. You won’t change that. She’s happy to see you, when you go to hers, and are present. She’s not interested in caring for, or seeing more, of your children.

It’s rubbish. My husbands parents put a lot of pressure on us to have kids, constantly talked about wanting to be hands on grandparents, providing care, etc… they’ve seen our son a handful of times and met our daughter once. They are four and one. It’s a shame, especially for the kids, but you can’t change it. People are who they are. Enjoy the hands on grandparents you do have.

One set of grandparents who are local and interested is great. Focus on that rather than your Mum's lack of interest. And try inviting her to do things with the whole family so she can enjoy the children at a level that works for her but you and their Dad are still the main carers for them rather than asking her to babysit. That might be less scary for her.

@LittlePetitePsychopath glad to know it’s not just me. I remember when I fell pregnant with my first 6 years ago (not planned). I cried to her wondering if it was the right decision and she comforted me and said that she would help me out etc but she hasn’t and really doesn’t bother making any effort to see us. It hurts.

I would stop asking her to look after them, you know she doesn’t want to and it puts her in an awkward position, so stop asking. If she wants to then she will ask.

It’s okay to be disappointed that they don’t make the effort you hoped in terms of being involved though but again you just have to accept that is how they are even if you don’t understand it. My husband and I have always said we won’t beg or force anyone to be in our children’s lives, they aren’t tiny forever and they will realise for themselves who shows up and who doesn’t, the relationship they end up having with different grandparents will reflect that and that’s something they have to live with.

She’s raised her children.

She probably wants to do other things and not be defined by her role as child carer.

Mine was similar, was thrilled about having grandchildren, said she'd help me, would babysit, and then didn't. Not once. It was disappointing - if she hadn't gone on and on when I was pregnant about how she was going to help me, I wouldn't have expected anything or been disappointed.

It isn't about being entitled or expecting help, it was about that help being willingly offered without me asking and then never happening. I realised that she wanted the warm glow of feeling like a loving granny, but didn't want to make any effort. In fact, whether she visited me or we visited her, she expected to be looked after and waited on.

@ParmaVioletTea yes raised her children with A LOT of help from her parents. I’m not saying she should look after my kids all the time.

She doesn’t want to, unfortunately, so don’t ask her other than in emergencies. Also match her level of effort regarding visits and meet ups. If that means the DC have a more distant relationship with her than you’d like, so be it.

I understand that it hurts OP, don’t ask your parents for childcare anymore you’re only upsetting yourself.

I had a fantastic bond with my grandparents who lived 100 miles away and I only got to see when we went as a family to stay with them. But they never provided child care, we would go and visit in the holidays and all do things together.

When my parents needed a babysitter, they paid someone.

it sounds like the issue here is not that your mum doesn’t like her grandchildren as you say she’s really good with them; the problem is that you want her to provide childcare. Having responsibility for a child is different to just enjoying time with them. For whatever reason, she’s choosing not to take them off your hands, so your best bet is to pay a childminder / baby sitter for that

Your in-laws have it covered then. By avoiding answering you, she doesn’t want to hurt your feelings by saying no. Not everyone wants to look after their grandchildren, sometimes doing it the first time around with their own children is more than enough.

Don't worry about a bond I spent loads of time with grandparents as a family but they wasn't childcare. Looking after other peoples children is hard I find it harder then looking after my own children. Its not something I plan on doing with future grandchildren. Yes il be there for emergency childcare but absolutely won't be childcare.

Yabu to expect free childcare, shes not interested stop asking. It’s actually wrong to continue to ask, her not answering is an answer. She’ll end up resenting you for it.

They're not interested. It's sad.
My in laws are the same.
If they're not fussed to see your kids, don't keep asking, hoping one day they'll actually want to.
If they're not interested, then your kids deserve better.
Keep it to emergencies only.

Just don't ask. My parents never had mine, and even though I remember asking her just once and she didn't answer! I knew that there was no point in ever asking
However, they had had 8 GC at this point and had looked after them really not regularly but intermittently and I imagine she was bored of the whole grandparent thing.
As a consequence my DCs never really had a relationship with them.

Is she getting a bit deaf? Do you invite her to your house, how far is it and does she drive, or is she finding driving more difficult? Does she feel confident about looking after young children again after a lot of years?

It would be nice if she was more proactive, but perhaps she doesn't want to interfere and if you do a lot with the other GPs she may feel a bit excluded or not needed. Perhaps she's depressed or just feeling her age, tired and unenthusiastic about doing things in general.

Are you wanting her to mind the DC while you TTC the next DC?

@catipuss she lives a 10 min car journey away. I’ve been in this house 4 years now and she’s probably been about 8 times. I just go to hers every week but I feel like I’m going to stop now.
@MiaKulper no I don’t, what a weird thing to ask.

just to make this clear once again, it isn’t about childcare! I’m just saying that my partners and friends parents put a lot more effort in than my parents and it makes me feel upset.