Am I justified in feeling offended when mistaken for my toddler's granny?

[QuirkyOliveQuoter]

I’m sick of being mistaken for my toddlers grandma, am I justified in being (quietly) offended?

Im 37. I don’t think I look bad or particularly old! but its happened 2 times in past few days-
I picked her up from nursery and it was a worker I’ve never met before. As she didn’t know who should be doing pick up, she went and got someone else. She came and laughed and apologised and said, ‘oh sorry, I was just saying I don’t know (xxx)’s ma-‘ she literally stopped herself saying mam and looked and me for a split second, then said ‘…. relatives’ - it was so obvious she thought I was grandma that one of the other mothers I get on really well with made a quiet joke about it when she went to get my child.
I wouldn’t have minded but I heard her say to the next lass, ‘sorry, I don’t know everyone yet- you must be (xxx)’s mammy’ !
It happened once before with a health visitor, she said ‘are you mam or….?’

Then today on the bus someone said to me, ‘are you mam or granny?’

i was fuming 🤣 is this a normal question? I don’t think of myself as being a sensitive or self conscious person in the slightest but I honestly think it’s so rude. I get I’m not obviously 20- but its different if I was obviously of granny-ing age but surely if it’s ambiguous it’s rude to ask?
It’s just someone looking at you and thinking you’re far to old to be a mother makes me feel so self conscious, I struggled with infertility for so so so many years and I don’t feel I look old enough to be considered Gran over mother!

I don’t know how anyone could confuse a 37yr old for a grandmother!! That’s a young mum where I live 🤣! Maybe she thought you were an aunt?

It’s very odd it’s happening to you so often.

I think people are scared to get it wrong, “I get are you Mum?”

Do you have grey hair?

Ive been in this situation, being unsure who the adult is (mum/nan, dad/grandad). I also have an unconventional family, my parents had my sister when my dad was in his 60s, my brother has a son younger than his grandson etc. so I never assume.

I always go with the most flattering option - nan is far more likely to be happy being assumed mum than the other way around!

To question outright is just rude

That’s what I thought 😅 I came home and studied that mirror and upped the retinol! 🤣

Honestly I don’t even think I look old- I’m not saying I look in my 20s but I certainly don’t look old enough to assume Im gran over mam 🫣

Not even one yet! 🥴

Scared to ask now.

Aren't even allowed to ask if someone is mum or gran.

What should we ask?

Way too easily offended these days

Well, tbf you COULD be a grandma at 37! I also think that most people who work at nurseries are only teenagers so we all look ancient to them, regardless of how we really look. But I'd say it depends on the demographic of your area. Around here at 37 you'd be a very normal mum age, but in some areas a lot of mums are early 20s.

This is bizarre. I get mistaken for DS1's sister because I had him when I was 20. Annoying, but understandable. Other two DC were born when I was 30/33 and have never been mistaken for Granny. 37 seems a short jump from there.

Do you maybe dress more maturely? I think one thing that makes people think I am younger than I am is I tend to still wear hoodies and jeans a lot of the time.

Yeah I get that. I just think it’s a rude question I think in non obvious situations- and was wondering if it was just me being sensitive in thinking that.

to be fair I come from an area with a higher young pregnancy age, so perhaps it’s to do with that. And maybe because I waited 16years to be called mam, it upsets me to be assumed Gran! 😅🤣

Aunt.
Uncle.
Mum.
Grandma.

Although I got asked if I was sister the other day when with my daughter. And I don't think i look particularly young for me age.

I took one of mine to minor injuries the other day and they asked him "who have you brought with you today?

Ive taken my neice to A&E before and had to explain 19362 times that I wasn't mum

My mum was 37 when I was born. People often asked if she was my grandma, but that was in the sixties. These days so many women have children in their late thirties I can’t see it happening very often now

I have no idea, that’s what teachers/medical professionals all ask me so presumed thats what they run with if they are unsure/they have been trained to say to not offend

In some situations they need to know who you are.

Im sure they want to know who they sent your kid home with rather than just guessing.

Is it the area you live? Where i live 37 would more likely be a nan then a mum.

I usually go with

" And you are?..."

Or try and go with the younger option.
Even if its ridiculous.

Though have made a mistake any couple of times.

(Work in healthcare have no choice to ask)

Sometimes it's a foster carer etc

Do you have grey/greying hair? It’s not right and I don’t agree with it but a lot of people do see grey hair and automatically think “old” even if your face looks young.

I've got it wrong the other way around. Died of shock when a lady at playgroup said she was gran, not mum. I know several mums to young kids who are in their mid forties and she looks not far off.

I'm often mistaken for older than my age, not in that context as I don't have children, but generally. I've given up worrying about it. I'm not going down the route of spunking money on botox and the like, I moisturise my skin well but I honestly don't think it is my skin, it's more about my cast of features and expression I think. Ultimately it's not important. I'm now in middle age so long past the flush of youth anyway; even if I looked 10 years younger, I'd still be of middle-aged appearance now, so what the heck, I'll just get on with my life .

my daughter's best friend grandmother was younger than i was! Her DM was 14 when she had her and i was 35 when dd was born

I'm a paeds nurse and as soon as they can say mummy I'll always ask the kid who they are with. Even if they don't reply it breaks the ice and the adults will say who they are. Or I ask "and you are?" You never assume because at best you'll end up calling dad grandad at worse you'll miss a safeguarding concern

The nursery worker I guess she genuinely didn't know you by sight even so it was an innocent mistake. The next one along who she called a mam could've been someone she'd seen briefly before or just knew on the grapevine she was the mother.

But the person on the bus...that seems an odd question to ask. Like what business is it of theirs?

Like who sees a woman stranger with a baby and basically questions them out of the blue as to if it's theirs or not?!

You should've said 'Neither. I found her outside the supermarket just now and thought, I'll have that'. 😂

I'd also like to say that nobody in their 30s looks more like a nan than they do a mum. So it must be those people's bad eyesight/idiocy rather than your appearance.

I volunteer at a children’s activity and I always refer to “the adults” or “your adult” rather than parents / mum and dad in general briefings because some come with parents, they could be step parents, there’s grandparents, we had a couple who were fostered and then adopted….. if a child is injured or comes looking for help I’d always ask “who are you with today?”