AIBU to think DH overreacted and frightened our DCs tonight?

[Blue3001]

AIBU to think my DH massively overreacted with our DC tonight?

For context, this has never happened before and DH had literally just finished a night shift that morning (slept for around 4 hours to get back into day routine) so was extremely tired, which I’m sure didn’t help.

Our eldest (6) needed their hair washed with a medicated shampoo and DH decided to rinse it over the bath rather than in the shower. DC got upset because they didn’t want water going over their face/head and became really distressed. DH became increasingly angry because DC wouldn’t do as they were told and was shouting. DC was crying and calling for me but I initially stayed out of it because I didn’t want to undermine DH (this has happened before where he has a go about me undermining him by intervening).

Eventually DC ran upstairs to me absolutely hysterical and clung onto me. DH followed upstairs shouting for DC to come back downstairs and tried to physically pull them off me. I asked if I could just take over and calm things down but DH accused me of undermining his authority.

The whole atmosphere became awful. Both DCs were crying and I started crying too because I was so overwhelmed and honestly frightened by how angry he was. Our youngest (3) kept crying “I don’t like it.” DH only backed off the confrontation after I cried and explicitly told him he was frightening me.

I ended up rinsing eldest DC’s hair in the shower instead and let them hold a towel over their eyes so water wouldn’t go in them, which worked fine.

Later when I was getting the children ready for bed, DH came in and announced eldest DC wasn’t getting a bedtime story because they had been disobedient. I said I’d already told DC they could have one and honestly felt they’d just been frightened rather than naughty.

DH then stood glaring at me while I was trying to read the story until I eventually snapped and asked if he was just going to stand there glaring at me. He stormed off and now thinks I completely undermined him and enabled bad behaviour.

He says our DC “needs discipline” and that he would never have been allowed to behave like that as a child. I feel like this went way beyond discipline and became frightening for everyone in the house.

Morning after DH still insists I was in the wrong and I undermined his authority and DC (6) needs authority and discipline.

AIBU?

What shitty Vega our from him. Really. Why was it such a big deal for him to rinse the hair in the shower?

People who bang on about authority and respect are dickheads. And are usually the less deserving of either.

Is he always a tosser?

Behaviour not Vegan our

You need to sit down and discuss this calmly rather than in the heat of the moment. It sounds like it was frightening for the dc though.

I think there needs to be a rule, no parenting duties when you're adjusting shifts.

I've been there, just overwhelmed rage when the kids are being difficult and I'm very underslept. He should have let you take over. But also a 6yo should be encouraged to endure water in the eyes calmly.

He sounds like a bully. He terrified you as well as your children. And you were too scared to intervene when your frightened child was screaming for your help because he had previously told you not to?

This doesn't sound like a one-off either, you say it was the first time but he has told you not to become involved before. He is authoritarian, it does not sound like a good environment for your children to grow up in.

He was not parenting he was being a big nasty bully because he can't regulate himself but expects his small children to do it.

He is very much in the wrong and he needs to apologise to everyone,,, what a pathetic little man he is.

Massive reactions by everyone involved really. That said your DH is an adult, it wouldn't have hurt to do it in the shower.

He sounds awful. He reduced his children and his wife to tears, was physically trying to drag a child away from you. You are tiptoeing round him trying not to upset him because his ego is too fragile to accept he is wrong.
Sounds like he could do with both parenting and anger management classes.

It’s difficult isn’t it because your DC did get what they wanted (not to have their hair washed over the bath) by running to Mum (who washed it in the shower).

I know the shouting and aggression isn’t great parenting but you obviously felt he was rested enough to fully participate in bedtime but then swoop in and be the saviour when the DC kick off.

Either you trust him to parent and leave him to it or you don’t, in which case you have some big decisions to make.

So your child is expected to endure discomfort quietly, but your husband is allowed to respond to a relatively minor annoyance with a rage that upsets/scares everyone in the house?

Why should a 6 year old be encouraged to endure water in the eyes calmly? Lots of small children don't like water in their eyes and get over this as they get older. 6 is very young and if they're frightened of something surely as parents we work with that with comfort and kindness. Lots of adults don't like water in their eyes. OP I can somewhat understand dad's exasperation if he's tired, but trying to physically pull your child off you while they are distressed is inexcusable imo.

Yes, discipline is important, but this was about your husband's ego. I think it is absolutely fine to not want your hair rinsed over the side of the bath, why was it so important for your husband to "win"?

Blind obedience is not something I strove for when my kids were small, why wouldn't you be encouraging them to have some agency over their own bodies?

It sounds like he wants to win by making you support him when you don't agree with his approach too.

I think you need to talk about this calmly and discuss what your parenting philosophy actually is and how you can support each other in that. You don't need to blindly obey him either.

Nobody behaved well here
you all need to learn to communicate without shouting

She didn’t swoop in. The Dcs came running to her frightened. Should she have let him continue shouting? And drag them off?

Bizarre response.

He's abusive.. My friend divorced her dh when their ds started wetting himself due to his df screaming at him.
You need to start keeping a diary imo.
It won't get any better for your dc.. Also what sort of relationship does dh have with his df? Bet they aren't close...

Someone very tired coming off nights isn't in any place to be dealing with a whinging child. You were silly to let him get involved OP in the first place.

It’s difficult isn’t it because your DC did get what they wanted (not to have their hair washed over the bath) by running to Mum (who washed it in the shower).

But “what they wanted” was to feel safe and not frightened, this isn’t like giving in over a packet a sweets. The comments about the husband expecting emotional regulation from small children whilst being unable to do so himself are spot on.

I used to do shifts.

night shifts are brutal.

obviously he shouldn’t have done this, but I’m presuming as it was a medicated shampoo the child did actually need their hair washing and therefore not doing it wasn’t an option.

i’d suggest in future that he doesn’t do parenting while adjusting to shifts.

Just to clarify I did not ask him to do this. I also didn’t swoop in. I offered to take him back downstairs to the bathroom for DH so I could try and help him calm down but DH insisted on trying to peel him off me to take him down himself. DH stood on the middle landing of the stairs glaring into space whilst I continued to get the children ready for bed (opposite our room where we sit to get ready so it felt intimidating).

My husband is like this. It has only got worse over time. We all pander to his moods, which he justifies in the way the night shift is apparently the justification here. Im sick of it.

What's his reason for not washing it in the shower?
Lots of people hate water and shampoo in their face, I imagine medicated shampoo is even worse. Were they all bent up over the side of the bath too? That's really uncomfortable.

There has to be a reason for choices and discipline other than "because I said so".

Please tell him he's a bully and not what you want for your dc... Ask him seriously what sort of relationships he envisages having with them as adults...
My exh hasn't seen our ds's since they were teens and too old to comply with the court order...
He was also a bully. Judge actually refused him contact with the eldest as he had witnessed too much of his abusive behaviour..

If your kids’ dad is a massive bully then you SHOULD be undermining him. All the time.

"He says our DC “needs discipline” and that he would never have been allowed to behave like that as a child."

This makes me sad to read. My partner and I often say this to each other when we witness our children behaving like children. The baffling array of childlike behaviour that was not tolerated when we were children is quite something. My partner and I were both afraid of our parents as children, and as adults the relationships we have are strained.

What we took from that is that we encourage our children to be children and then marvel at how they are being children when we're in the kitchen together,

"Wow, I would never have said that to my dad, I'd be dead now".

He really needs to think about this. How bad was his childhood? Does he really want to perpetuate it?

That is not acceptable at all. I'd be kicking my DH out if he behaved like that, that is abuse.