AIBU to think DH overreacted and frightened our DCs tonight?

[Blue3001]

AIBU to think my DH massively overreacted with our DC tonight?

For context, this has never happened before and DH had literally just finished a night shift that morning (slept for around 4 hours to get back into day routine) so was extremely tired, which I’m sure didn’t help.

Our eldest (6) needed their hair washed with a medicated shampoo and DH decided to rinse it over the bath rather than in the shower. DC got upset because they didn’t want water going over their face/head and became really distressed. DH became increasingly angry because DC wouldn’t do as they were told and was shouting. DC was crying and calling for me but I initially stayed out of it because I didn’t want to undermine DH (this has happened before where he has a go about me undermining him by intervening).

Eventually DC ran upstairs to me absolutely hysterical and clung onto me. DH followed upstairs shouting for DC to come back downstairs and tried to physically pull them off me. I asked if I could just take over and calm things down but DH accused me of undermining his authority.

The whole atmosphere became awful. Both DCs were crying and I started crying too because I was so overwhelmed and honestly frightened by how angry he was. Our youngest (3) kept crying “I don’t like it.” DH only backed off the confrontation after I cried and explicitly told him he was frightening me.

I ended up rinsing eldest DC’s hair in the shower instead and let them hold a towel over their eyes so water wouldn’t go in them, which worked fine.

Later when I was getting the children ready for bed, DH came in and announced eldest DC wasn’t getting a bedtime story because they had been disobedient. I said I’d already told DC they could have one and honestly felt they’d just been frightened rather than naughty.

DH then stood glaring at me while I was trying to read the story until I eventually snapped and asked if he was just going to stand there glaring at me. He stormed off and now thinks I completely undermined him and enabled bad behaviour.

He says our DC “needs discipline” and that he would never have been allowed to behave like that as a child. I feel like this went way beyond discipline and became frightening for everyone in the house.

Morning after DH still insists I was in the wrong and I undermined his authority and DC (6) needs authority and discipline.

AIBU?

You can be firm and authoritative without being authoritarian and frightening. Where is your husband's kindness, calmness, gentleness with a very small child who is scared and distressed, not misbehaving, but scared of something? Something that could easily have been sorted out, and there's no issue with making an adjustment to a plan if it's not working out.

It sounds like your DH has a model of parenting that is about control, discipline, anger and children being afraid of their parents. Presumably this isn't new, and he sounds like he is not at all interested in changing his approach or learning more about why being authoritarian and controlling is a poor parenting approach.

Don’t listen to that “undermining” BS if your children are clearly in distress.

Your H wasn't disciplining DC he was trying to intimidate them to compliant and that's different. If you as an adult found him scary and intimidating imagine how a 6 year old felt.

My kids wouldn't want to have water and shampoo in their faces. They would hate it. The either would need to have their hair washed in the shower so they cam look to the ceiling or wear googled. I'm sure you H would consider this as pandering but I would prefer the children not to be distressed before bedtime.

Some children, including me, were raised to be compliant, obedient and fearful. You need to decide how you want to raise your kids. I dont rase my kids how I was raised because I know how it felt. My kids will never be hit or scared me.

It sounds like you H didn't have control of himself. He wanted to win and was using is size to do it. Instead he could of asked DC how could he was his hair without him getting so upset. Your H made it into a power struggle. DC didn't want power they wanted comfort.

It's really sad. We all get it wrong sometimes. Whata worrying is that H doesnt think he was wrong and is doubling down.

There is no way I would be staying with someone who is such a twat and a bully towards my kids. I divorced one ex h for less. I don't tolerate idiots no matter who they are family, friends or strangers.
There's the door, shut it behind you.

Ridiculous, why the melodrama, why couldn't he just exercise some self restraint and perspective.

Children don’t need to endure water in their eyes, especially soapy water, and it’s something most kids will grow out of with maturity and time.

OP, you have done nothing wrong. Your dh frightened the dc to the point they ran to you for protection. You tried to de-escalate the situation and he was furious that the kids responded to you positively and calmly so he then tried to intimidate you all further by glaring at you whilst you read them a story. He behaved like a dick and should apologise to you all for getting so angry. And if he doesn’t want to be undermined then he needs to behave reasonably. My dh can lose his shit over very little when he’s stressed, then will excessively punish dd for some minor issue. I have “undermined” him in this situation because he’s wrong, pure and simple. When he’s right I always back him. I’m not going to allow his mood to affect my DD’s sense of right, wrong and fairness, and if it means standing up for her against him when he’s being a dick then I will do that.

I have been in almost EXACTLY the same situation.

I basically told (now Ex)H that i didn't care what he thought or how he felt about it, the only persons feelings that mattered were our childs who was upset and terrified, and if his response to that was anger and more shouting and getting defensive rather than seeing what he was doing to our child then he wouldn't be doing that chore EVER again.

I held my ground on that. I left him a few years later, he was a nasty, shouty, angry man who only cared about his own feelings.

The main problem imo that kids grow up with this abusive behaviour from a parent and it becomes normal. In this case a big person bullying a smaller one and that is how it is in life.
These abusive men probably grew up in abusive households and so are repeating the negative behaviours as they don't know any better or choose not to learn new positive behaviours. In turn passing that behaviour obto their own sons, men are the boss of women. Girls learn to shut up and put up so don't learn any different either.
Such a vicious circle, but how to break it?

Tell him that by banging on about respecting his authority makes him look like a certain South Park character
oh and my kids dad used to waffle about them not respecting him when they were small, they’re older teens now and have absolutely fuck all to do with him because of how he behaved towards me and them during their younger tears

Your first paragraph is somewhat irrelevant, it's also highly unlikely that he's never been emotionally abusive before.

Op I would think very carefully about next steps the fact he can't even see that he's done anything wrong in the slightest is very convincing. You and your children have been emotionally abused, that NEVER happens in isolation.

Tired or not, your husband needs to learn to control his temper. You don't discipline a small child by terrifying them. I'd be warning him if he continues to behave like that, you'll leave. And mean it.

The most important lesson when parenting is knowing when you have to step aside and let the other parent take over.

As soon as he started getting emotionally dysregulated he should have stopped, slowed down and asked for help if needed. Explained that the shampoo needed to be rinsed out. If that didn't calm the situation down he should have step aside and let you take over.

It can feel like children are deliberately pushing all of your buttons when you are exhausted and stressed. They aren't really, they are just trying to communicate their needs and likes and dislikes whilst you try to get through the mental check list of things that need doing as quickly as possible.
An adult can rationalise that in 3 minutes the shampoo will be rinsed out and you can go on with your day. A child just focuses on the discomfort and 3 seconds feels too long.

I have a daughter who can find transitions difficult and struggles with tending to the needs of her body. It is so bloody infuriating, it has us both tea. ring out hair out and so frustrated. When we are having a bad day we can start to get overwhelmed and on the path your husband started on. Instead of continuing, however, we tap out and get the other parent to take over. It really helps to break the stale mate, the new voice that comes in with
Parent 1: "What's the problem and what can I do to help?"
Parent 2: "She won't let me wash the shampoo out, the shampoo needs washing out"
Child: "I need the shampoo washing out but it's stinging my eyes and it hurts"
Parent 1: "ok here is a cloth for your eyes, turn around and tilt your head this way and I'll turn the shower onto a lower setting"
To parent 2: I was just about to get us all a drink, do you want to take over that and I will rinse out their hair.

When I used to come off nights I had a low capacity for dealing with small children. As others have said upthread, nights are brutal. However as an adult it was up to me to grin and bear it or for my DH to deal with it all on those days. It wasn’t for my DH to spot me losing it and step in, it was for me to recognise my own lack of tolerance before losing it.

what I want to know is how far the OP’s DH’s ideas of discipline would have been taken if OP wasn’t available for the children to run to? It isn’t OK to frighten children into submission.

What’s been happening on the previous occassions when the DCs were crying for you?