How have your intensive / time-consuming hobbies/sports changed for you since becoming a parent?

[ToRideOrNotToRide]

I’m interested to hear from parents who have a time consuming or intense hobby and how that’s played out after becoming a parent. I’m talking about hobbies / sports that take up hours per week (as opposed to people who like to run 5km twice a week).

My hobby is /was cycling, especially mountain biking. I actually found it easier to find the time when DC was a baby/ toddler and used to ride a lot in the evening after DC in bed and would do a longer ride at the weekend while DC had one-on-one time with DH.

Now DC is older (late primary school) I’m finding it impossible to find the time. Weekends I want to hang out with DC and DC does a lot of hobbies that I like to support / watch. Evenings are busier as bedtime is later and there’s homework / clubs etc.

I still fit in short 5km runs, walking, and lift weights so I’m still looking after my physical & mental health. I’m not completely neglecting my needs. But I can’t regularly do an activity like mountain biking for myself that takes up several hours these days. So it’s on the back burner for now. I do also work ( 4 days per week but from home and spread over 5 to help with school runs etc).

I’ve kind of made peace with it, as I do enjoy my life and time with DC and know that ultimately my relationship with DC is the most important thing.

But I do also feel quite sad, especially as my friendship group was mainly built around the cycling and that has pretty much fallen away so I feel like I’ve lost my social life too. I’ve tried and failed to build a social life with the school mum crowd.

I just wanted to hear what other people’s experiences have been.

Oh and just to add DH has also compromised his hobbies to the same degree as me since becoming a parent. He is not some absent dad out on the golf course / his bike all weekend!

So interesting @NoodBanaan . Are you able to share where you live?

Ok but aren’t you conflating two things here? It’s one thing making a choice not to have time away from your child to train/compete.

It’s totally another issue if you can’t afford to cut hours to work part time and (probably)outsource your domestic load so you have enough free time to train for marathons!

Sounds dreamy @NoodBanaan, but I think what the OP is talking about is the amount of weekly hours it’s possible to devote to her sport without family commitments, not so much the occasional trip or tournament. My other half used to be a mountain biker but a good trip used to take much of a day from our location - not easy with kids and their clubs.

On the flip side, my away matches can be 6-8 hours away too. I used to bring the kids with me, or I wouldn’t get to play. I’ve been incredibly lucky to have family help sometimes too.

My family members are climbers, and they’ve moved to the Peak District, go out to the cragg weekday evenings with kids, their holidays are climbing trips, and they have met other families and share the climbing/childcare. They’ve made plenty of personal and professional sacrifices to do so, which I have to remind myself as I’m glued to a desk while they’re out doing what they love!

(I’m very aware that there is a lot of privilege in being able to make these choices and find time and money for hobbies - am super lucky to do so).

That’s why having children has to be something you want 100% as unless you get paid for sport it takes a back burner, children come first, shocked that an adult wouldn’t realise this.

I think everyone on this thread does realise this, we’re just working through our feelings about it.

snark unnecessary.

Yes it’s totally different if you have to work outside the home. The domestic load - physical and mental - doesn’t go away, it’s still there when you get in from work, even if it’s shared. Since I went back to work I have so much less “thinking” time as well, because when I’m at work I’m only thinking about work, it’s the nature of my job in a clinical role.

Cycling is a very time intensive sport as well - I tried to get into it in my 20’s and struggled! I went along to a “novice” ride thinking it would be for beginners and was dragged around a 25 mile route with tons of climbing in it. I never went back.

There is definitely a niche that isn’t filled at the mo for a more chilled cycling options - the Thursday evening 5-aside equivalent if you like!

but it’s hard if you’ve cycled at a high standard before to accept a more recreational level out of necessity, I totally empathise with that.

i know what you mean about missing the social side as well. I really miss it from climbing and from rugby which I used to play and now feel too old to go back to!

I think everyone on this thread does realise this, we’re just working through our feelings about it

This 100%

There is definitely a niche that isn’t filled at the mo for a more chilled cycling options - the Thursday evening 5-aside equivalent if you like

This is true @Quickdraw23

I think cycling attracts a lot of obsessive types so even those that start out casual get hooked

Sadly it mostly just had to be massively reduced, but I have two long sessions per week, one because I've compressed my hours so have an afternoon off per week and one early 5am start at the weekend. My husband does similar, very early starts with the sport to fit it in in the morning and one afternoon per week where he finishes work at 3 and I do the school run. It's the only way.

I didn’t really see it as a hobby but I did a lot of dance as a dc & got back into it in my 20s so would do street dance, ballet, jazz classes weekly. Sometimes I would spend 4-5 hours across the weekends & loved it. That all went post dc & no way do I have the fitness for it now!

I really didn’t manage much when the dc were young as I prioritised work & time with wider family & friends. I’ve seen so many women lose friends & struggle to make friendships as their dc became more independent.

My youngest is 8.5 & I’m starting to feel I actually have time now (around their extracurriculars) I have found some local Zumba & barre classes that I am going to try. I would love to devote hours to dancing and learning new routines but I think it will be years before I get back to that & by then I won’t be able to keep up!

My hobby is horse riding and fortunately my kids now love it too and we do it together. But there was a good 5 plus years where it was heavily curtailed because they were too small to join and I couldn’t find the time when I didn’t have work or childcare to take care of. I just had to reconcile myself to the fact that there would be a gap. And my horse got a few years of a quieter life!

I think it's just different priorities here. Most (middle class) people are happy to take the pay cut to have a better work-life balance. Obviously this doesn't apply to lower paid workers which is totally unfair, but how many people on the bones of their arses go mountain biking or climbing anywhere? But besides that, I think there's more of an attitude here that individuals in families all have needs, including parents, and that can include time to do sport. I feel like British parents don't give themselves that permission. Obviously someone doing Olympics level training alongside work and (not) parenting is still an arsehole though!

I'm British, so somewhere in the middle, but I quite often get asked why I'm not coming to things when I use the baby as an excuse, on the basis that he has 2 parents. It's very much assumed that life carries on and you keep up with old friends and hobbies, but maybe bring the baby along. The concept of mum friends and baby class as social event is a totally alien here! I wonder if it's because very large families were common up until the 90s, and 3-4 is still not unusual, so then you just get on with life and everyone has to be quite independent.

I'm in Northern Europe, so not that different culturally to the UK.

Sounds like a pretty healthy cultural approach @NoodBanaan - lots to admire about Northern Europe!

I work for a great company and we are encouraged to flex our work to balance things, so long as the work is done of course. Again, a privileged position to be in. But I know my mental health tanks without regular exercise.

I think it's just different priorities here. Most (middle class) people are happy to take the pay cut to have a better work-life balance

I think people would be happy to work p/t here but can’t afford it!

I'm a middle class woman with a career. There is no part time at my seniority. You work full time or resign.

@ToddlerFun67899 same for DH, I do 25 hours but often have to do more as it’s very difficult to fit everything in. I would like to reduce my hours but I would have to leave my current role.

I do 4 days per week

I could afford to do 2/3 days financially but it wouldn’t be possible to complete my role and would be disruptive for the team so my employer wouldn’t entertain it

It sounds like the standard of living, and possibly the pay, where you are is better.

my decision not to cut my hours is absolutely not to do with prioritising my work over leisure time, and everything to do with not being able to afford it. I work in a mid-level clinical role in a hospital, am educated to masters level, live in a fairly modest home, don’t have money for holidays, one crap car etc etc, there’s nothing else I can cut back on!

Very outing but my husband is a racing driver so he races every 3-4 weekends in the summer. He's often away for 4-5 days at a time.

I'm a hobby pilot so I go flying once a fortnight or something. We basically take it in turns so when I go flying he's at home doing the club runs etc.

Our hobbies are important to us so we make it work. It's partly the reason we only had one child to be honest. It's a lot easier.

My hobbies have completely changed since having my DCs. I used to love to go to the gym … but that had to stop when I separated from exH as I had no childcare in the evenings. I bought a treadmill 😂 They’re teenagers now and I can get out for a walk or run in the evenings again. And I joined an early morning sea swimming cult group.

Unless one works part time, only extremely shitty and lazy parents have time for very time consuming hobbies
Do not agree! Me and DH will often give the other the weekend off to go away to do our hobbies. Admittedly when the DC were young it was every now and again but now they are older we quite often take turns to solo parent. When they were younger it would be evenings rather than weekends but neither of us gave up our hobbies.

I did crossfit 4xweekly right up until DD1s due date and then 3x a week through mat leave (after recovery ofc)

After I went back to work the only time I could make due to nursery pick up and DP working shifts was 6am and I am NOT a 6am girl! (This wasn't about DP he would happily parent while I did that I simply couldn't do it that early)

So I stopped and weight trained at the gym on my own, more flexible as not classes, but then got pregnant with DD2 and it's all sort of fizzled out.

I'm sad about it and I do really miss it but I'm telling myself it's just a season. We've also recently moved and there is lots of space to put in a home gym so it will be much easier get training in, without the time having to drive, park etc. so I'm manifesting that! (For after DC3 is born later in the year 😅)

@Renovationation91 congratulations on DC3!

im trying to get more of a flexible gym habit myself but finding it really tough - I was supposed to go yesterday after work but I work all day in a setting with no windows, and the thought of going straight into a gym also with no windows was too much so I went and sat in my garden for half an hour before going to nursery pick up 🤦🏼

I’ve only acquired time consuming hobbies (again) since becoming a parent. Same with Dh. But probably not til our dc were school age.

I have a horse (I used to have 2). Dc were 4 & 9 when I got him and got back into horses. I wild swim and I do long distance multi day hikes. Dh climbs and mountain bikes and increasingly getting into running.

We have flexible careers that mean we don’t work FT 9-5. So I will go do my horse on a Tuesday 8-12 or Dh will go out biking for 3-4 hours another day. We both take time early mornings or late afternoons on the weekends as needed. We are not a family who must do all things together. So I might go for a 10 mile hike and Dh will take dc off cycling or to meet MIL for lunch on a Saturday. Or one of our dc does competitive sport like 16 hours another week, so Dh will drop her off, run 5 miles and pick her up on the way home.

We also both have weekends away to do what we enjoy. Dh does a few mountain biking or cycling events every year, so will be away for the weekend. Then I’ll go do like a 2 day hike and wild camp. Or a few years ago, I took 10 days and walked a camino. I’ve done a few other 2-3 day pilgrimage routes in the UK.

Our kids are of an age now (8 & 13) when it’s much easier than when they were babies and toddlers. They want to see friends and need to be run around to activities. It doesn’t take both of us to do that.

We also moved to a part of the country with hiking, biking, swimming and climbing on our doorstep. Literally, I can do all of those from walking out my front door without needing to get in a car if I really wanted to. People come here on holiday for outdoor pursuits. It means everything we like do is right there, no travel. That was a very conscious family decision.

They want to see friends and need to be run around to activities. It doesn’t take both of us to do that.

For us it often does take both of us to do things because the dc invariably end up doing different things in different locations. One has a cricket match this morning & the other has a trial.