Is it fair for a working partner to avoid all childcare and household responsibilities?

[Kriszoee]

By reading the title I’m sure you will all jump to say “no, that is not fair!”, but my partner has made me believe that because of how much he work( 40 hours per week, 5pm - 1am ) it is my job to take full responsibility for the house and the baby, who was his initial idea. (9 months ).

I want some insight on how right (or wrong) his values are, as I am starting to resent everything.

My partner (M28 ) works 40 hours week, usually 5 or 7 days in a row, with one day off. The housework and baby is my full responsibility, he won’t change her as he doesn’t like the smell, won’t feed her without complaint, doesn’t really play with her, won’t pick up the dog poo or walk the dog as he “ isn’t his dog “, won’t do the washing, won’t unload the dishwasher, doesn’t cook etc.. before we goes to work, he plays his PlayStation and washes her bottles. He sleeps 1:30 - 10am, then doesn’t get out of bed until almost 11. I am up at 5am every day with the baby, and I am utterly exhausted. He turns this into an argument as I shouldn’t be tired as I “ just stay home with her “.

Because he works; he says that he is too tired to do ANYTHING or go anywhere on the days he works, which means we don’t do anything unless he is off, but when he is off, it’s hit or miss if we do anything.

Ultimately, I feel like the default parent.
I have to ask multiple times to even get some bins out or some dishes unloaded from time to time but it causes an argument, and any time he is with our little girl he is honestly just on his phone watching videos or complaining about how exhausted he is.

I find I am really struggling having to do everything myself and honestly I feel like a single parent with his absence and the lack of support within the home or relationship.

I have voiced my opinions every time but I always get the same responses of “I work”, or “you get to stay at home all day and relax if you want to”.

I know even by writing this that it doesn’t seem fair but he genuinely can’t see past his reasoning.
How fair do you think this is and what can I do?

Of course he’s being utterly ridiculous.
what’s the point of having a child (or a dog for that matter) if you had no interest in doing anything with him/her.

His job has really antisocial hours. 5pm to 1am. Humans are not meant to be nocturnal. Doing these late shifts long term can cause all kinds of chronic health problems including cancer, diabetes, heart failure, sleep disorders (inc fatigue), mental illness, etc. Sleeping from 2ish to 11ish is about normal. You and baby being up from 5ish must also disrupt his sleep.
https://www.uclahealth.org/news/article/5-long-term-health-effects-shift-work

There is no point getting into the who is most tired argument. There are no winners from that in a young family.

I would approach this as a medical issue. He should have some energy and desire to play with his daughter. To have energy to chip in around the house when he is awake and not at work. I’d presume he is being truthful about being really tired as he’s not going to the gym, or out drinking leaving you stuck home with the baby.

Tackle the fatigue and he will probably be able to do more. This may mean convincing him to try for a different shift or job.

This is the approach that I am taking. I asked him to visit the GP, and they have asked him to go for a blood test.

I personally believe that there has to be some sort of underlying issue, as he is like a completely different man. Even working 70+ hours per week a couple of years ago, he wasn’t as exhausted as this.

He wasn’t always like this, it’s like his entire attitude and mindset shifted overnight and hasn’t changed since.

He thinks by "giving you" a baby, he has acquired a free cook/housekeeper/slave for life. My ex thought that too. Ds and I left when ds was 2. I'd spent two years trying to get ex to behave normally.
Life as a lone mum, the two of us in a little rented flat with me working full time and ds at a childminder was easy in comparison.

15 years later, my ex is still outraged that I left, and he was forced to pay towards ds' upkeep without any of the benefits - ie a free domestic.

Plan your escape now. Ensure your skills are up to date and don't worry about your child. My ds barely noticed ex wasn't there any more because he'd barely been there in the first place. Good luck xx

That is certainly how it feels. I feel like a butler, cleaner and babysitter all in one. But on the other hand, I feel sorry for him as he presents himself as so exhausted he can barely function.

i have had this advice from several people. It’s a tough call, as I do love him and we have been together for a long time, but I am starting to resent the way I am made to feel.xx

40 hours a week is a really, really standard working week. And lots of us work shifts. How does he think mothers in full time employment (or any family where both parents work) manage?

I work 50-60 hours a week and still manage to parent my son, clean the house etc. Because I want to parent my child, and I don’t want to live in a shit tip (I wouldn’t turn away a magic house cleaning fairy).

He had told you why he doesn’t parent, and it isn’t tiredness - he doesn’t like the smell of nappies, he thinks it’s all your job, and he prefers his PlayStation. He isn’t going to improve - if he worked 20 hours a week he would be exactly the same

I feel sorry for him as he presents himself as so exhausted he can barely function.

With only one day off a week, I'm not surprised.

This isn't sustainable for either of you. I think he needs to try and change jobs so that he is working more sociable hours and has weekends or at least a couple of days a week off where he can pitch in a bit with the childcare and give you a break.

Honestly, I would love to believe it was as simple as him just not wanting to do anything as he knows I can’t live with mess or see my child without, but I cannot wrap my head around such a drastic change in such a short period of time.

We both previously worked 70+ hour weeks in a very demanding, high security profession and he still found time to be present, cook and clean.

Im beginning to worry that something may actually be wrong with him. I have urged him to book a blood test ASAP.

I completely agree. His most recent shifts have been 7 nights on, 2 days off, 7 nights on , 1 day off, 5 nights on, 4 days off. He is now on night 4 of 7, for 1 day off before another stint of 5.

It definitely isn’t sustainable at all. We are both burnt out and run into the ground. I feel I am functioning purely on adrenaline, but deep inside I feel like a zombie.

It's good he is seeing the GP, and I hope he gets some help, for all of your sakes. Generally I would agree that if one partner id working and the other not, they should do most things, but that doesn't mean everything. I feel sorry for the dog if he didn't want him/her, and felt forced into it, but now the dog is here he should help at least at least stage-and if he had a problem with changing nappies, he really shouldn't have had a child!
Could your families help a bit, so you can both get some breaks? I know they might be all working, but between them, couldn't they offer some help temporariliy?

He is not being reasonable in the slightest.
You deserve much more.
He is working 40 hours a week but you are now working on call 24/7 which is 168 hours a week.

While I was on maternity leave, so not working at all, we shared parenting responsibilities 50/50 for the hours DH, who also worked 40hours/week, was not at work. Overnight I would do all the wake ups at first so that he could be fresh for work but it got so overwhelmed and exhausted this didn’t work either so sometimes we would split even the nights into shifts so that I could at least get some sleep, can’t remember the exact split but think 2am-6am. This is while he worked full time.

Your DH is not being even slightly reasonable, as somebody else said there is no point having children if you spend little to no time with them and all your time with them on your phone.

He's either a complete fucking wanker who thinks the arrival of a baby absolves him of anything to do with the house or there's actually something wrong with him

Thank you for your kind words, I hope so too.

This was always what we had agreed. He’d remain at work, and I’d stay at home until our little girl was 2. I’d take on most of the responsibility and he would help as and when. I would at least expect for me to make her lunch and him to give her lunch before going to work, but he won’t even do that. Things like going to the park before work, he won’t do either and wants to be left alone to recharge his battery. It’s frustrating.

We have had the dog for years now, he definitely wanted him. He uses the “ he’s not my dog “ excuse as I paid 100% for him, and he wasn’t cheap!🤣 He’s a pedigree show spaniel.

Unfortunately, his family are 400 miles away. My parents.. my mum is disabled and my dad does 60 hour weeks. My mum takes my daughter once a week for a few hours as it’s all she can manage with her heart conditions. Another family member stays with me twice a week to help where she can which i appreciate.

The main issue is he’s a terrible dad. I couldn’t live with him.

When did this change materialise OP? When your DD was born? Wouldn't that be convenient timing if so.

If he has the energy to play Xbox, then he could use that energy doing other things. He obviously has no concept of how tiring it is looking after a baby. Is he one of these men who think you sit on the sofa all day watching tv while baby sleeps or plays on a mat?

Get him to have that blood test, but if it shows nothing is wrong then up to you to decide if you can tolerate this. I agree that a SAHP should manage a larger share of the housework, but it doesn't absolve him of everything, and it doesn't exclude him from parenting his own child.

Assuming you’re not married - you are putting yourself at massive financial risk here. You need to go back to work and make him split the childcare. If you were to split; you’d have no rights to any money. And sorry you’re in this position. Parents should have an equal amount of rest / leisure time outside of work/housework/childcare

Ahhhhh this is an epiphany. That's why they so angry to pay for their kids. They Don't get " benefits" they associated with having a child. Ie a little wife at home cooking and cleaning, dinner on the table when they get home and a cute baby to play with once in a while and to make them look good in society.

Now they qre paying and Don't get any of those benefits

I cant do this anymore. I am running on less than 3 hours sleep. He came in at 1am last night and proceeded to complain that she was still in our bed and he had to take the dog in the garden - it was the ONLY way I could get sleep.

he then proceeded to stay on his PlayStation until 3am, didn’t bring her morning bottle or flask upstairs, didn’t take the dog in the garden and our daughter has been awake from 4:55am. I cannot do this anymore.

It all kicked in soon after she turned 5 months, and rapidly spiralled. He has turned into the most selfish, miserable and self centred person I know - but he blames everything on me.

This is what I say. Instead of playing his PlayStation, he can help. He says no as it’s his only time to chill and do anything he enjoys. Where’s my time to chill and do things I like? He tells me he deserves it as I get a 3 hour break at night before going to sleep. That isn’t a break. At that point I can barely keep my eyes open and purely stay awake so I can have time to myself.

Yes - he certainly gives off the impression that he is one of those men. He tells me I can chill whenever I want.

I don’t think I can tolerate it anymore. I am so burnt out to the point I am starting to feel depressed and resent him.

I have been looking to go back to work early, I need a sense of normality as I feel like a prisoner in my own mind and body at the moment.

I know he will still find reason to complain. He has already told me that I can’t go back to work until she goes to nursery, as he works and won’t be able to look after her in the day as he is “ too tired “. I’m not listening to that, how do other working parents manage?! It’s like he tries to make my life hard, as he knows I wouldn’t put my 9 month old into nursery.

You poor thing. I have a DS a similar age (30) with a DD just turned one. He couldn't be more different to your DH.
DIL has just gone back to work so things have changed slightly. If DS was home he wanted to give DIL a break to go to classes, it meant he built his one on one bond with their DD. A typical working day (he did long hours four days a week, starting early) he arrived home just after five. He'd cook, feed DD, plays for an hour, do the bedtime routine then take her to bed EVERY night.
On his three days they'd split chores and care of DD, usually getting most stuff done on a Friday so they got weekends to spend out and about as a family.
I'd be so angry if DS dumped on his wife the way your DH has. They were childhood sweethearts and together almost 13 years before DGD was born. I think they're quite young by today's standards, but it was clear to me from the outset (DIL had an elective c-section) that DS would be the parent he should be. He built up AL and took PL (six weeks off) and did absolutely everything.
When friends and family say DS is an amazing dad and DH I shut them down. He is how he should be, nothing more. Even if your DH is shirking work at home, it doesn't even sound like he wants to spend time with his DC, which in many ways is even worse.

That sounds absolutely awful - my heart goes out to you. Could you go home or to a relative - or even to an Air B&B for a few days to recharge? You need a physical and mental break from this, to give you time to recuperate and decide where you go to from here. He needs a bloody good kick up the arse, he really does - he is simply nit stepping up to the mark and is living a single life. Unless he wants this situation to change then let him have the life he wants surrounded by his own filth - you'll be so much happier without the (justifiable) resentment towards him and you'll be able to get into a really routine with just you and your DD. Fuck him.

@KriszoeeI’m not excusing his lack of parenting but those shifts sound brutal. I do nights sometimes and it leaves me knackered for days. He needs to try and get another job.

I agree. I can’t help resenting his lack of help, but the shifts are a joke. It’s no wonder he’s so tired, so I so understand on that front.

i just can’t take it as an excuse and wish he could push past it and put our daughter first. I have an auto immune disease which causes severe fatigue and I still have no choice other than to crack on.