Is it fair for a working partner to avoid all childcare and household responsibilities?

[Kriszoee]

By reading the title I’m sure you will all jump to say “no, that is not fair!”, but my partner has made me believe that because of how much he work( 40 hours per week, 5pm - 1am ) it is my job to take full responsibility for the house and the baby, who was his initial idea. (9 months ).

I want some insight on how right (or wrong) his values are, as I am starting to resent everything.

My partner (M28 ) works 40 hours week, usually 5 or 7 days in a row, with one day off. The housework and baby is my full responsibility, he won’t change her as he doesn’t like the smell, won’t feed her without complaint, doesn’t really play with her, won’t pick up the dog poo or walk the dog as he “ isn’t his dog “, won’t do the washing, won’t unload the dishwasher, doesn’t cook etc.. before we goes to work, he plays his PlayStation and washes her bottles. He sleeps 1:30 - 10am, then doesn’t get out of bed until almost 11. I am up at 5am every day with the baby, and I am utterly exhausted. He turns this into an argument as I shouldn’t be tired as I “ just stay home with her “.

Because he works; he says that he is too tired to do ANYTHING or go anywhere on the days he works, which means we don’t do anything unless he is off, but when he is off, it’s hit or miss if we do anything.

Ultimately, I feel like the default parent.
I have to ask multiple times to even get some bins out or some dishes unloaded from time to time but it causes an argument, and any time he is with our little girl he is honestly just on his phone watching videos or complaining about how exhausted he is.

I find I am really struggling having to do everything myself and honestly I feel like a single parent with his absence and the lack of support within the home or relationship.

I have voiced my opinions every time but I always get the same responses of “I work”, or “you get to stay at home all day and relax if you want to”.

I know even by writing this that it doesn’t seem fair but he genuinely can’t see past his reasoning.
How fair do you think this is and what can I do?

I considered this, but I couldn’t. My relatives have no space or spare bedrooms.

My mum has suggested buying a cot for her house, and having my daughter stay there once or twice a week so that I can have a proper sleep.

It’s not something that I’m a massive fan of, but i think it’s something that I may have to try for my own wellbeing.

Put his PlayStation in the washing machine where he won’t find it and go to your mums for a couple of days to reset.

Offer to swap places! She’s bottle fed. Nothing stopping you returning to work. He can stay home with the baby and do all the stuff and you can come home and wash the bottles and play PlayStation. 🙄

My guess is it will suddenly seem like a lot of work to him then.

I mean, frankly, he sounds like a shit partner and dad and I’d be hard pressed to find a lot of reasons to continue a relationship with him. But if you’re committed to sticking around, you need to give him fewer choices. You have an appointment at 11am, hand him the baby, come back at 4pm. Do that a couple days a week. Take time for yourself. Leave him to figure it out. He has a non-standard schedule which is tricky, but actually no reason you couldn’t start back to work because he’s home during the day. Also don’t get up at 5am, bring baby in to sleep with you. He can sleep in the spare room, sofa, Dh slept on a mattress on the floor in our bedroom when we needed extra space. Everything for sleep.

But no, not fair and not normal. I used to hand mine to Dh as soon as he walked in the door at 5:30pm and he’d have them til bedtime. He had them through dinner, did bathtime, got them dressed. First time he went away when eldest was 4 months, I had no idea what to do because I’d never given a baby a bath before! It was all Dh.

Even now, Dh is the breadwinner, I don’t work currently due to chronic illness. He still has them every day as soon as he finishes work. He does all the driving around to activities. He takes them out half a day every weekend so I can have a nap. He does more than 50% even though I’m not working because I need that level of support (and he’s just generally a good dad). That what true partnership looks like.

lol🤣🤣

He said that would be blessed; and he would love that. He wouldn’t last a week.

I completely understand your need for more support. I have a chronic auto immune disease but I have very limited help. It’s so hard.

Ok I don't want to defend him, but I think it's reasonable she has to go to nursery or a childminder if you are working (assuming you do office hours). He does need to sleep/rest during the morning at least. 9 months is fine to go to a nursery, mine started at 10 months and has been fine. You could just do mornings, it wouldn't cost much with the funded childcare hours.

You say you love him, but it doesn't sound like he behaves as though he loves you.

I think that's a great idea in the short term. Once you've got a bit more sleep in the bank and you're feeling better then you can think about what you want to do longer term - the way you're living just doesn't sound sustainable, so unless he's prepared to make some significant changes I'd be looking for a way out. It sounds utterly miserable for you, and I'm sure that if this was one of your friends or family members you'd be telling them the same thing.

Yes this basically.

And unfortunately his comments about “don’t like the smell” and “not my dog” suggest the former.

It sounds like he isn't happy being the breadwinner and you don't like being treated as a skivvy.

Perhaps you should revisit your opposition to enrolling your DD in nursery and just go back to work. Then he will have to step up to play his part and overcome silly nappy phobias and not retreat into gaming.

He's probably asleep on his feet, this is a brutal.shift pattern and I would imagine this is a major contributor to his fatigue. However, he seems to not be paying even passing attention to Dc or yourself and that is simply not fair, no matter how tired he is. This is not sustainable long term, and a reset is needed.

I honestly think I’m done with him and this relationship. I’ve applied for new jobs and I’m hoping to get around 16 hours a week which would be enough for me. Then my daughter will go to nursery once or twice a week, and with my parents the remaining day or two. I’ll lose my car as it’s “ ours “ but in his name, but I’ll get to keep my house. I’ll have to have a top up of benefits ( which is something I’ve never had to do before as I have worked continuously for over a decade ), until she is a bit older and then I will work full time around her school hours ( she can go to school when she is 4. )
He is EXTREMELY angry. Always fucking complaining and moaning. I’ve had enough of the burden. He brings nothing to my life, at all. Nothing but misery and resentment. I’ve also been called a prick, a tosser and a rat. He is constantly comparing his level of exhaustion to me saying I’m just tired, but he is exhausted.
He has woken up today, huffing and puffing, shouting and moaning that I have asked him to take his daughter. He is now asking me to wash and sterilise all of her bottles as he doesn’t want to do it anymore, as well as do her 00:00 night feed as he’s “ too tired “ and should be able to come in from work and go to sleep. So I should have 5 hours of sleep and be on the go for 19 hours whilst he does an 8 hour shift and chills??? As per usual, she is slumped on his legs while he sits and stares into space. He doesn’t want to be a father, and that’s that.

You're doing the right thing. He doesn't sound like he has any intention of changing, so what's the point in hanging around and subjecting yourself and your DD to many more years of this? He'll get worse as he gets older, more bitter, and lessfit. Cut your losses and go - your life will be a breeze in comparison to what you have now. A bit of adjustment and sorting stuff out, but within a few months it'll be sorted and you'll wonder why you waited 😊

Tell him bluntly. "Eventually, this will end our relationship. Is that what you want?"