Parents to older children, please tell me it gets better...

[SendHelpandSnacks]

My son is 2 and it feels like everything is falling apart... including my mental health... Two main topics are: sleep and behaviour.

He's always been a very good sleeper 🙏We had sleep all figured out, after a few days of gentle sleep training, he'd go down at 7pm and sleep til 7am! We felt so blessed. He did this for months and it was amazing.
Recently, he's relapsed, stalling bedtime, wanting me to cuddle him again after I've put him down. He's crying in the night EVERY NIGHT and ending up in our bed... (I'm assuming night terrors, but every night?) He's also waking up at 5.30am!! What is happening?! This is very unlike him...
He naps around 12:30 til 1:30 and bedtime at 7pm.
Is this just a phase? Will he go back to sleeping through the night again?

The other thing that's been getting me down is his behaviour (terrible 2s of course) I know it's all normal but I'm starting to feel really low about it all. Every day is a struggle, just trying to get out the house, managing the tantrums, the constant whining. It's exhausting and not enjoyable at all... He wakes up every morning crying and then the slightest thing will set him off.
I try to plan nice things for him, I took him to the farm the other day and he had a full blown public meltdown in the restaurant... I grabbed him and the food and just left...

I know this is all pretty standard toddler behaviour but I guess I'd like some reassurance that it will get better? 🙏I struggle with the relentlessness of it all, there's always a new hurdle to get through. One day he's happy and an amazing little chap and then the next he's totally different.
I find he's an absolute joy to be around 20% of the time and the remaining 80% is just survival.
This morning he slapped my face and pulled my hair all at the same time, just because I was stopping him from going up the stairs mid tantrum... I feel so sad that this is my life now 😔
He's an IVF baby so we invested everything into having him, but now he's here, I feel so low and exhausted by parenthood. It's definitely not how I expected to feel when we were TTC.

If anyone could just share some positive stories, did you struggle with the early years but manage to find more joy in it now? Is there light at the end of the tunnel? I don't want every day to be this challenging and exhausting...
Sorry for the rant, I think the lack of sleep these last couple of weeks haven't helped my mood either. Hence why I'm asking if he will ever sleep though again 😅

Thanks in advance for any support xx

It does get better. Much better.

The only things I found helped were, only going places to places where I felt safe to handle tantrums without feeling stressed about it myself (in my case, I preferred big outdoor spaces far from roads, with rain suits on if necessary) if they arose. Avoiding shops as much as possible. Always carrying snacks. Also, most of all, as another mumsnetter said recently on a similar thread "robustly prioritizing my own rest." eg, cut every corner you can to protect the mothership (yourself).

You figure out how you are going to handle it if there is a meltdown, you get used to the procedure and very slowly it starts to get better. I remember DS3 (a rather "spirited" child) used to tantrum multiple times every day when he was 2 or 3. And then one day, when he was about 4 I realized that it had been a whole day since his last one. Slowly, it became more like 2 or 3 a week, and by age 5 only once in a blue moon. He's 9 and a half now and mainly a lot calmer than his brothers (who were much easier than he was when they were toddlers).

I can fully relate to what you’ve said, I’ve brought up 2 boys, 2 boys who had some major tantrums and both struggled with sleep and bedtime. I eventually found to help with the tantrums is to stay calm and offer reassurance, I know it can be really really hard sometimes but you staying calm will help him to come down from his tantrum much quicker!
I do understand how difficult it is for you though and sadly the end is probably not in sight just yet but I assure you it really does get better. My eldest is now an adult and youngest a teenager and I can honestly say that I thoroughly enjoy their company and they’re both lovely young men so it does get so much better and somewhere along the line they started sleeping in their own beds and through the night!

Thank you @PeatandDieselfan It is so reassuring to read that your toddler would tantrum multiple times a day and hes actually now turned out to be the calmest one of them all... As I often ask myself if a highly emotional and tantruming child like mine, could ever grow into a calm, regulated child/adult. So that's very reassuring to me 🙏 Thank you
And thank you for saying it gets much better... I just need to hold onto that

It will get better OP.

I've had so many ups and downs with my children. From waking multiple times a night (sometimes every 30 minutes) to completely rejecting their dad for about 2 years and everything either being on me or resulting in a screaming fit, to severely impulsive/aggressive behaviours which triggered additional measures at preschool/nursery, food aversions/being massively restrictive on what they'll eat....arghh!!! We got through it all and it's now actually hard to remember most of it! Some days it is abiut survival. Keeping things low key and local, just getting through and if everyone is breathing at the end of the day that's a win.

When they're 2 it's so difficult, you can't reason with them, you're just coasting from moment to moment hoping you don't wake the dragon 😅 I can't even tell you when it got better but it steadily improved as they learned to communicate. Now they're 7&5 (appreciate that might feel like forever away right now but it improved a while ago, have hope!) and honestly they are two of my fave humans on the planet to spend time with both together and individually.

It might be too early yet but when my eldest (the historically impulsive/aggressive one) was about 3 I found Calmer, Happier, Easier Boys and How to Talk So Little Kids Will Listen very helpful. We'd do things like 'if you're angry and you know it stamp your feet' or go outside and throw something like a mini bean bag or ball as hard as we could to get the angry energy out so he wasn't taking it out on me. It's taught him so much about how his body responds to being angry/frustrated and since he went to school we've had nothing but praise about how emotionally mature and in tune with himself he is, as well as being able to tell someone when he's overwhelmed and needs space.

Also with us massively limiting/eliminating screen time had a huge affect on behaviour. Very personal, but have since had chats with many other parents who have said the same so may be worth a trial if that's something that currently happens in your house (not all screen time is created equal, look at low stimulation TV shows as a good place to start).

Hold in there. You're in the trenches right now. One day you'll be the one sat giving advice to a toddler mum and realising how far your family have come. Promise x

Thank you @strawberriesandraspberries I cannot tell you how much I appreciate your insight, considering your boys are now adults/teenagers. It's very reassuring to know that you actually enjoy their company now, as it took us 5 rounds of IVF to have our boy, I feel terrible when I don't enjoy being around him very much... It's great to hear that it does get better somewhere along the way and they do sleep through the night now 😂
So thank you 🙏

Also the trope of 'enjoy every minute' just isn't helpful. You can have worked super hard for that baby and some days he can make you want to scream into a pillow. Two things can be true. Try not to make yourself feel bad. We all have good moments and bad moments, good days and bad days, hell sometimes it's good weeks and bad weeks whether the little one took multiple rounds of IVF or one drunken night of fun!

Aaaw your response made me feel very emotional... Thank you @lemoncurdcupcake . Just hearing that one day I'll be the one giving advice to a toddler mum felt like such a relief, like one day I will be out of this!
You're spot on when you say you're just coasting from moment to moment hoping you don't wake the dragon - That's abslotely bang on!! My husband and I live in fear of waking the beast 😂 and that does cause a lot of tension in our relationship too...
I'm so pleased to hear that you genuinely enjoy spending time with them now, it gives me a lot of hope 🙏 Thank you for giving me the little boost I needed x

I don't know if it gets easier necessarily, but it's different and you know they say a change is as good as a rest!!

He will sleep through again. I'd revisit the gentle sleep training. It sounds like you've got into some bad habits.

Behaviour can be very difficult at this age and some are just worse than others. The only advice I'd offer is make sure that you're actually parenting the child you have and not the child you imagined you'd have. When you're planning activities think about the reality of your situation not what you imagine you SHOULD be doing or he SHOULD be enjoying. One of the most common complaints I hear from parents is "we were having a lovely day out and then a big tantrum hit"...chances are you overstayed. Their window of interest and tolerance is going to be much smaller than you think and much smaller than you might like given how much you paid to get in, but your time will be much nicer if you aim it at what they're actually ready for. The amount time he can enjoy the farm might be 20 minutes not the few hours you imagined. It's much easier to go with it than fight against it.

It changes, rather than getting easier. Also, over time you tend to roll with the changes easier and forget about life pre children, so it's easier to deal with.

Two is hard though.

We haven't reached 'easy' yet, and my oldest is nearly 9. We think an ADHD diagnosis is eventually on the cards for her, but she still doesn't always sleep through, doesn't sleep until nearly 11pm, and flies off the handle very easily. She's easier more of the time, but we also have less 'recovery' time when she's in bed, so it's relentless.

Things that were easy at 2 might be hard now. Things that were a nightmare at 2 disappeared years ago.

Parenting always has it's challenges though.

My daughter was very much like your son. It’s likely toddler hood however at 17 my dd was diagnosed autistic after masking. As a toddler she didn’t mask. She started about 3/4. She is very very intelligent. Would
be Asperger’s in old school terms. Age 3-12 she was a dream. Then the wheels fell off. Not saying this is your son obvs but there will be signs.

Yes, it will almost certainly get better- much better. I have two DCs. One has always been pretty low-maintenance- just his personality. But the other has been very hard work at times. Not a good sleeper or eater, epic tantrums during toddlerhood, very stubborn and strong-willed.
She was hard work as a baby, toddler and pre-schooler.

But once they were at school, they were both great and pretty easy to parent. They’re young adults now and absolutely lovely.

Hang in there OP. A wise person once told me ‘the days are long but the years are short’ in parenting and that turned out to be absolutely true!

I meant to add- my trickier one turned out to have ADHD! She is fab though and learning how to manage things.

How dark is his room OP? I wonder if the lighter mornings and evenings are contributing to the lack of sleep.

It does get better. DD was like this as a two year old, I remember crying down the phone to my mum that I just couldn’t do it. She is now a delightful teenager (mostly)! Hang on in there, it gets better, I promise.

Thank you @Waitingfordoggo , I really appreciate that 🙏🏼 so relieved to hear that they're lovely now and that they were easy to parent from the school years. I love my son, but it's just so intense, walking on egg shells and constantly trying to distract from a meltdown. It will obviously get better with age 🤞🏼

Thank you @LittleGreenDuck , I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one crying to my mum about it all 😂
The room is really dark, we paid £300 to get blackout blinds because I'm so obsessed about getting enough sleep! Haha
Thank you for the reassurance 🙏🏼

It gets much better. They sleep when they’re at home. But at the wrong time!

If you can get used to them coming in at 3am and sleeping until 3pm then clearing out the entire kitchen cupboards you’ll be fine.

or take this Monday. Our 17 year old’s school sport team won a massive final. First time their school had ever won this competition. I said they could go out in a local town to celebrate but to be home by 11. Quick check at 10.30 before I went to bed - they’re nowhere near the local town, they’re in our nearest city! Quick comms check - they’ll get the last train home. Should be back by 12.15 (am). 12.30 and I’m still tossing and turning in bed. Quick check. They’re still in the bloody city centre. Apparently trying to get a taxi home but there aren’t any who are willing to bring them out to where we are. Queue me throwing a coat on over my pj’s to go and get them and their sheepish friend. Luckily the bucket (which I always take now after a couple of very near misses) wasn’t needed. Got to bed just after 2am.

so yes, it gets way better…….
……. most of the time………as long as you’re prepared for your grocery budget to explode……

Haha, I love this!!! I'll be out partying myself when my son decides to go out for the night 😂 we can all sleep in til midday 🤣 I can't wait!

Except this was a Monday night and I had to be up at 6.30am for work!

dc made it to school and even got a MacDonalds delivery for lunch as they’d not sorted their lunch box the night before as they usually do!

His sleep needs have probably dropped - 13 hours of sleep in 24 is on the higher end to expect of a 2 year old. I’d guess he’s taking awake time at anti-social times because he can’t sleep that much.

I would cut 15 mins off his nap and push bedtime 45 mins later and see if that improves sleep. You might need to cut more.

behaviour I can’t comment on much as I haven’t done that age yet, I’m just speaking as the parent of an incredibly low sleep needs child - mine never slept more than 11.75 hours per day total after the age of 4 months. Once I capped his naps and accepted we had a 10 hour night, his sleep consolidated and he started sleeping through the night. His mood was so much better in the day because he was properly rested.

two year olds are obviously at a developmental age where their behaviour can become more challenging, but I do think quality of sleep is significant.

Believe me, he does not care about a farm visit. That's you, projecting.

Simplify things for yourself

Hey op, i was considering starting a similar thread!

I’m really struggling with my 2 year old as well. Terrible sleeper, wants to be attached to me day and date. Literally tries to sleep on top of me like a mattress. During the day she is actually hurting me. She digs her nails in to pinch me and then drags her fingers along to make a big scratch. Most of the time she is drawing blood and taking my skin off. It is mostly only me she is doing this to. And i’m really not enjoying parenting.

DM me if you ever want to chat or rant x

I’d agree on the sleep - some kids don’t even need to nap at 2 (ask me how I know… we had to make it quiet time after lunch instead).

You’re in the trenches - it gets better

My son was very strong willed at 2, 3, 4… And he would only sleep well in our bed.

He is a delight as a teen.

@SendHelpandSnacks what you're describing is pretty usual with 2 year old. But the sleep issue could well be significant and if you can get that sorted the daytime behaviour may well improve. I can thoroughly recommend Kerry www.thesleepfixer.com. She is brilliant and not expensive, she seems to have a solution for every situation!