Is this level of aggression and impulsivity normal for a two-year-old?

[Karma1387]

Looking for a bit of advice and reassurance. We have been having increasing difficulty with my 2 year old at home. Lack of concentration, impulsivity (literally launching himself over the side of furniture), increased tantrums over nothing at all, no desire to actual play with anything just destroy, getting physical towards himself when angry (pulling his mouth with his fingers or biting his hands)

The biggest behaviour that seems to be shifting on is his interaction with other children. He was so so lovely to everyone constantly hugging other children (a bit too much to he honest). This is starting to turn and has become more aggressive. We had a few instances at soft play where we had to redirect or remove him but now he has had an incident at nursery where he purposefully walked up to another child and shoved them in the stomach into a fiece of furniture.

We did have another baby in March but besides lack of impulse control (will rock the cot super rough or will lay next to his brother lovely and then suddenly stomp on him). He has actually been lovely with him and asked to see him and hold him and brings him his favorite teddys etc so unsure if the baby is the reason for the behaviour getting worse.

Is all of this normal 2 year old behaviour? We are going to ask GP to do allergy testing as I read food allergies can cause issues with behaviour but I could use reasurrace that all his behaviour is fairly normal for a 2 year old.

Any advice or experience appreciated.

I don’t know but he sounds a bit similar to my son who is just 2. Hits me and my daughter, as well a head butting and biting. This is also happening at nursery sometimes. Not when he’s angry or frustrated, just randomly. He’s so physical. Never had this with my daughter. I don’t know how to handle it☹️

in your case it sounds like its related to new baby. My usually delightful 5 year old turned in to a grumpy monster for a food 6 months when her brother turned up despite adoring him, and she was older and understood a lot more. I have no such excuse for my 2 year old!

If it’s gotten much worse since the baby you need to consider that bit first. Do you have plenty of 1:1 time? It’s super important otherwise they’ll look for other opportunities to get attention.

We don't get a great deal of 1-1 time. Baby is breast fed and refuses to be put down or off the breast for long. I try to have a bit of time with him on the 1 day my other half is off but its not as much as I would like.

Its just odd I thought he would have more aggression towards the baby if the baby was the problem.

What about the other issues not related to his aggression? The lack of concentration, impulsivity to jump over furniture, destruction? Are those normal 2 year old behaviours? Hes so bored but doesn't have any interest in doing anything.

You have my sympathies! Its really hard. What are his other behaviours like? Is he like mine with the lack of concentration, impulsivity etc?

I think a lot of it is normal actually. My two year old (3 in summer) does the climbing / rolling on furniture; it drives me bananas.

I have a boy and a girl and I did find my son a lot harder than my daughter as a toddler. He was so physical and destructive and quite unpredictable with other children; fine one minute and then hitting or pushing. I don’t know how much of that is toddlers generally or boys / girls. (Dd will squawk indignantly but won’t lash out.)

How two is he?

If he's just turned two this is all fairly normal. If he's nearer to three, less so.

It sounds like his whole routine needs looking at, sleep, food, activities, behaviour management etc. Sometimes they need a change to jog them out of behaviour patterns.

How much screen time does he have?

Literally just 2 in March I am pleased to hear you say its normal (I have family who think hes ND)

What sort of change would you suggest?

Screen time has massively reduced now I am not pregnant. Still too much. A film or two 3-4 days a week.

Does he literally climb over it with 0 regard for whats the other side? My poor dad thought he was going to break his neck the other week when he just vaulted over the back of the sofa and fell to the floor 🙈

But I am pleased it sounds like this is normal development.

Sounds tough op, hope you are ok. TBH food allergies wouldn’t be my first port of call unless he has symptoms like tummy aches, change in stool, rashes etc?
Some things you say could signal ND, but it will probably be a case of wait and see how things pan out. It’s often not the behaviours in and of themselves, but the fact that they do them a lot more frequently / strongly than NT kids and for longer. How is his speech? Maybe you could contact HV for some advice? Has he had any kind of report / feedback from nursery, what do they think?

Thank you. I'm okay honestly its just hard seeing him angry all the time!

We arent sure regarding allergies I am just looking for solutions. He does have an almost constant rash around his mouth and lifts up his top and points to his belly a lot and will randomly say hurt at times with no signs of him being hurt so I'm unsure if hes trying to tell us his tummy hurts or if its a coincidence.

His speech is low. He is very good at copying words and he will say lots of words like bike, food, car but very little of his speech helps him to actually communicate with us. I am trying to develop it but nursery say it isnt an issue.

We have had a couple of issues with pushing over the last 6 months but what they considered normal. Today was the first time we had a proper incident report where it wasnt a normal push and hurt the poor other child 😪 I have requested to talk to them about our concerns with some of his non aggressive behaviour to see if they are noticing any issues their end.

I have health visitor for the baby on friday perhaps they will let me quickly discuss my toddler whilst they are there.

My DS was completely mental as a toddler. We once went on holiday and he scaled this adventure playground that was meant for children aged around twelve, and just went to the very high top where there were these sort of plates with big gaps in between and he was leaping over them. He had just turned three 🤦🏼‍♀️

He is now five and a bit calmer but still very physical and adventurous. His speech also wasn’t the best while he was two and that led to a lot of problems; huge tantrums, absolutely massive that he’d take ages to calm down from.

Thank you. This makes me feel a bit better!

I think you need to try to do some 1:1 things - I know it’s so hard to balance everything, but can your family help? Even just a half hour outside with just your toddler and focussed only on him.

My son was chaos at 2 - climbing on everything, no interest in personal
safety. Not aggression towards other people though, so that’s why I’m wondering about the sibling stuff.

We visit my dad once a week but my 2 year old has more interest in them than me when we are there 🙈

I try to get baby to nap inside so I can play with my toddler outside but it never lasts more than 5 minutes. I am hoping the baby will eventually start to sleep a little without being on me as I miss being able to do his bedtimes and have our time together. I do feel bad for him, his world has been turned upside down.

Ds got a lot more manageable at about three and a half if that helps! He’s still a bit bonkers but it’s mostly just enthusiasm and he does throw himself into life with zest and energy. He still can’t sit properly - I gave both children an ice cream after dinner and ds was lying backwards on the sofa ffs, sort of with his legs in the air and his head on the floor. Sometimes if I’m tired or grouchy anyway it does really irritate me. Or he roams around endlessly. He’s been mostly lovely since turning four. Definitely has big emotions and still mental but he can channel that energy into building (likes Lego) and games.

its hard as I can find myself being too negative sometimes … this morning I did, he just kept roaming around then lying on the floor then kicking his toddler sisters potty (not aggressively, just more mindless sort of movement) and I’m listening to myself ‘ds keep still, ds leave the potty … leave the potty .,. Off the floor ds DS!’ They are lovely kids but exhausting.

I will say for my ds he isn’t a whiner or a crier as a rule and he’s brave and fearless, bold and confident. Just … mental 🤦🏼‍♀️

Sounds like my son at 2! Lots of nature running about time helps him and lots of modelling of what to do and to to be gentle.

This sounds within the realms of normal OP. My 2nd DD was very much like this and there was no baby or potential trigger I could identify. I was quite worried about it all but had my DD's 2 year review and spoke in depth with my health visitor. From the questionnaires I had to fill out prior to the appointment, she scored on the borderline for the neurodiversity profiling tool to be carried out- she said as nursery felt her behaviour was within the realms of normal that she would review the situation in 3 months and if things hadn't changed then she would start the process off. My DD was 27 months at the time of the review and things had greatly improved after 3 months so I we didn't proceed with the profiling. She's now 3.5 and she will hold her own, but is never violent towards other children. She is Still impulsive but her awareness of danger is much better so this is more manageable. She is also much less destructive.

I would definitely speak to your health visitor about it all, if they feel there are concerns then they will help to address them. I definitely wouldn't worry that he's ND though at this stage, a lot of these traits are typical toddler traits! And if it turns out he is ND, the earlier you find out the better so you can adapt to meet his needs and the way he sees the world.

My daughter is 4.5 and still hurls herself of furniture, body slams us and hang from our necks - some kids are little ruffians. She also went through a bit of a biting stage, not with other kids but just with us - it was usually after someone had bit her at nursery, as there was at least one biter there. She doesn’t bite now but at least once a week she loses her temper and hits one of us and we have to have chats about how hitting makes people feel!

What I would say is 1-2 movies in a day for a 2 year old is way too much- there little brains can take that much and they become wired and emotional. Really limit it to an hour max at that age, ideally less than 30minutes at a time. They also say to never start a day with tv. Even with my daughter now, I have been a bit lax lately and let her watch too much when I have been trying to get stuff done and she becomes completely wired and hard to manage. The type of tv also seems to make a difference- when she watches paw patrol, spidey and things like that she has massive tantrums when I turn them off, but most if the BBC stuff - the Julia Donaldsons, Bluey, Alpha blocks don’t seem to cause the same aggression.

Also diet can have an impact in my experience - sugar causes crashes and melt downs so limit sugary food and drinks! We’ve had some massive melt downs around Xmas and Easter!

At this age tumble tots was great for my adventurous DS. He loved it. Especially the climbing. They learn how to climb safely and thy are largely going around with parent so not too much interactions with the other toddlers.
His behavior sounds very normal, especially for a 2 year old with a new sibling. Time with just dad and rough housing with Dad can be fantastic. And is actually really important for boys.
I had a basket that only came out for breastfeeding and we would ready the books/play with the toys while feeding. A sling was also a godsend. And reins.

I have tried the whole basket for breastfeeding but as baby spends 90% of the day on the breast it doesn't mean much 🙈

A film or two a day?! I couldn't do that much sitting still as an adult! Seems like he needs to be run off? Treat him like a dog and wear him out. Appreciate the difficulty when you're breastfeeding but can baby not sleep in the pram whilst you take him out?

I do know 1-2 films is too much its just been the only way to keep toddler quiet enough for the poor baby to nap a little. But I am trying to reduce it more.

No

OP clearly said ‘a film or two three to four times a week.’

DD would watch a film but DS no way, although he would watch those Julia Donaldson ones and films like Bear Hunt and Tiger Who Came to Tea (I hate that film.)

I mean yes we should try to avoid / reduce screen time but watching Toy Story and Monsters Inc a couple of times a week with a breastfeeding Velcro baby ain’t that bad.

Baby is attached to the breast 90% of my day so I am used to sitting a lot with him and the tv is the only thing that keeps my toddler quiet enough for the baby to have small naps on me but I know its too much!

I am trying to take him out to run around but ironically if I take him somewhere he can run around (like the forest) he doesnt want to walk 🙄 and baby rarely sleeps in pram so I end up carrying baby and trying to feed whilst pushing a pram and walking.

Only person who ends up shattered is me 🙈

No.

She clearly says 'a film or two three or four days a week'. So sometimes two films per day!!