Violent 7 year old

[Sunflower1650]

I didn’t know if this post was best on Parenting or the Special Needs board.

7 year old DS has autism and dyspraxia. I also believe he has ADHD (so do school) however the paediatrician refused to diagnose because he was able to sit still in his chair and wasn’t fidgety during the appointments (these were her words).

His behaviour at school is generally good once we manage to get him there. We’ve had lots of school refusal lately. At home however he has become violent over the last few weeks. He used to hurt himself when he was dysregulated by hitting or scratching, but now he’s started hurting us instead. Tonight was the worst attack on me and DH (his dad) yet, both of us are bleeding from scratches. He hits us, headbutts us, kicks us, throw things, screams at the top of his lungs and tells us to shut up. He will tell us that we can’t control him and cannot tell him what to do. This behaviour earlier was simply because we asked him to come off his Nintendo Switch while we went out for a bit. He is Minecraft obsessed. He didn’t want to. We give him gradual warnings eg 5 mins left, 2 mins left. We’ve also tried visuals like sand timers. He simply doesn’t want to do anything he doesn’t want to do and sees red. This is just one example, these type of outbursts aren’t always about screen time, it could literally be about any type of request we make.

We then removed the Switch from him for the rest of the night and this worsened the behaviour, that’s when he started headbutting me in the chest. He was removed to his room by his dad, but DS is on the 91st centile and it’s not something I would be able to do if I was alone. He is often more violent to me than his dad. We’ve also tried going screen free and this sends him into absolute meltdown because he uses it to regulate himself after being at school.

He has a younger brother (3) and he will often hurt him too, which his does sneakily when we’re out of the room or our backs are turned.

He usually shows remorse later on after behaving like this. He will cuddle me, cry, and tells me he’s sorry. It breaks my heart. We talk to him about this behaviour but he says he just can’t control it and feels too angry not to hurt us.

I think part of it is that he is just in overload after being at school. School put him in nuture groups, Lego therapy, soft start, and applied for an EHCP but the local authority refused to issue one.

We try to make sure we praise his good behaviour, let him know he is loved, have lots of 1:1 time with him. But the violence towards us is getting worse. I don’t know what to do. His paediatrician who diagnosed him discharged us a while ago. Does anyone have any advice?

Why the hell are you even letting him play Minecraft?
He is 7 with problems.
A calmer lifestyle is obviously better for him.

How long did the meltdown last when you went screen free?

For a start get him off Minecraft at least for the next 3 years. Far too young, especially as he definately is displaying violent behaviour which he could be learning on the game.

Advice:

the national autistic society have branches that run parent support groups. I found them very helpful.

cut his nails regularly it reduces the scratches when he tries.

look into ways of sensory regulation - weighted blanket, trampoline, you can get various sensory and stimming toys.

look into ways of parenting a child with pda - the explosive child is a good book.

you may also find it helpful to work out his triggers - obviously finishing screen time is one but there may be others. The ABC method can be useful for that.

Hi. Just want to say you’re not alone. I’ve been there. The book mentioned above, the explosive child is good. I always try to remember it’s not my son’s fault, it’s anxiety. I also second slowing fading out Minecraft, it’s the only game my younger daughter played and it really changed her behaviour. She was almost addicted, so quickly. I was really surprised how much it impacted her behaviour.

This is excellent advice. I’d also recommend reading 10 days to a less defiant child.

Have you appealed the LA’s decision?

I wouldn’t have hand held devices under 10 at all. It’s causing him to get agitated when it’s taken away. Ideally it would never have been introduced. I don’t think Minecraft is appropriate either. Can you phase them out and use tv as your screen time

Ok, I think maybe I should have posted on the Special Needs board after some of these judgemental comments.

Yes he plays Minecraft because he loves to create buildings on it. He doesn’t play online or anything like that, he literally just builds and is very creative with it, which we are fine with because he has always struggled with creativity and never been able to engage in imaginative play before even as a young child. We always limit it with timers. My example earlier on was what caused the behaviour tonight. We have seen the same behaviour when trying to get him off the park or back inside from riding around the garden on his bike, getting him to
eat his dinner etc. Like a PP said he certainly seems to fit a PDA profile and we’re really struggling to manage it.

To the helpful posters - I have read the books The Explosive Child and How to Talk so Little Kids will Listen, but I’m actually going to try and re-read these soon because it was that long ago that I can’t remember them! Also going to look some
more into PDA strategies. And yes, we have appealed the EHCP decision and are awaiting tribunal.

No more screens. He is too young. ND children are on average 18 months to 2 years younger developmentally than their biological age.
Short amounts of TV.
Kids had to regular themselves before screens exited - I speak as such a Mum. He could go in the garden and dig a hole - to Australia if he wants. Take the screen away and after a period you will see an improvement. It’s really hard. I remember. Keep remembering you are his Mum and you do know what’s best for him.

Reduce transitions.

so eg have food after school banana or similar waiting for him at pick up. Then dinner can maybe be before a wind down routine for bed.

we did a lot of picnics in the garden rather than formal eating at table (especially in summer).

He’s too young for screens esp Minecraft

My DS is 7 and I also suspect ASD and ADHD. He cannot handle overstimulation which screens are terrible for. Even if he’s just “building”, these games are built to become addictive and they do cause meltdowns. Our DS gets too addicted to gaming and YouTube so he is completely banned from both. If he watches screens it is older kids films on the tv screen because they are much slower paced than new cartoons. He will be better finding a different way to regulate after school, trampolining or a spinning chair. Yes my child still has meltdowns but they are far fewer than when he was on screens. I know you don’t want to hear that because life is much easier when your children are on screens but it really is affecting his behaviour. Even with screen limits.

So glad you’ve appealed. I think they rely on people not appealing.

i think it’s a good idea to have a look at some of the information on PDA and try to limit transitions.

And yes, the SN boards might be a little quieter but you don’t generally have parents of NT DC responding. It’s just so different parenting a ND DC isn’t it?

This sounds like adhd to me, especially the saying afterwards that he can’t help himself. It’s very common to have more than one neurodiversity.

My advice would be to start by looking at reducing harm, and then work from there.

So, reducing the amount of time the kids are unsupervised together; turning the tv off from across the room so he can’t reach you; having some bribary in your bag for the way home from the park. Knives on a high shelf, car doors child locked etc. After each incident think “what could I have done to reduce the harm”.

Then really investigate if he is sufficiently supported in school. Look at play therapy. Think about one of the adhd specific parenting classes. Occupational therapy. Dietary stuff.

Year 2 age was the worst for us and it’s gradually got better with time…

Of all the things to play, Minecraft is really pretty good. It's pretty mindful and calm.

I can see some people suggesting ADHD, are you doing things that might help? I know it’s difficult but starting off with a breakfast high in protein and a snack high in protein after school.

Running is good if you can get him to go and see if you can introduce meditation. There are some ones aimed at children in YouTube

The sneaky behaviour - hurting your three year old - is a quick dopamine hit for him. I think ADHD sounds likely.
Year 2 is a very hard year for this - the pressures socially and academically ramp up.
have a look at non violent resistance techniques and positive handling techniques to prevent you being scratched and hurt. This is a hard road but I have seen children make remarkable turn arounds once their brain matures a little more.
So… when you think about how he is not making dopamine effectively then I would seriously seriously remove all screens. They are not soothing him. They are giving him an artificial fix of dopamine to chase. I know that’s annoying but it’s worth the pain of removal.

We had to ban computer screen time until 10 apart from school work, it caused all the problems. We allowed it from 10, still issues but was more able to regulate

It seems OP doesn’t want to hear everyone’s opinions on screens…

@Aabbcc1235 thank you - I will look into this. I’ve also been meaning to look into play therapy for a while so I will do this.

@TinyMouseTheatre thanks so much for your suggestions. Unfortunately he also has ARFID and what he eats is becoming extremely limited. For example, in a morning he eats a bowl of dry shreddies. Won’t have milk. Has to be this same routine every day otherwise he can’t cope. I think he’s also tired at the minute which may be worsening his behaviour. He is prescribed melatonin which gets him to sleep quickly but often he’s still waking in the night for a long time.

@CeciliaMars I absolutely want to hear opinions from parents to neurodivergent children on screen time and what’s worked for them. What I’m not interested in are judgemental comments from parents on NT children on screentime who have no idea how hard it is to navigate these constant struggles!

Can I asked why you think especially Minecraft? Just wondering why you think it would be worst than other games?

@Sunflower1650we swapped to slow release melatonin for exactly that reason and it had helped. Is that something that you’ve tried?

DS has ADHD and autistic traits, he isn't allowed small screen time, it just unleashes something different in him. On a couple of occasions when he has had it eg at family events someone has given him a tablet or on one occasion a switch, I've never seen melt downs like it. Exercise is key, time to regulate is in the garden, the park after school, I always walk and pick him up when I can he will run home or scoot. School fizzes him up as he says and he needs to release that energy. We also have a Lego table as building also helps, but transition from Lego to dinner isn't as hard. He does have a you player and listens to stories at bedtime which helps him to settle. We have always encouraged reading and that can help with transitions if he's reading a book at home and we've got to go somewhere I know there will be lots of waiting for example I will suggest he brings his book.
DS doesn't even have TV in the week it's just not part of his routine. If he does at the weekend it will be watching something as a family after we've been out. I don't know how you'd go about reducing it, wet just never introduced it, I could tell from a young age that screens hyped him up in a way they didn't for NT children.

And ARFID is just so bloody hard isn’t it? If it’s any consolation DC2 now rats a wide variety of foods although they do have a marked preference still for highly processed foods.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with having the same breakfast every day. My entire family do that. And I ate dry shreddies for years - yucky with milk!

Regarding the violence: the fact it’s directed primarily at you and not his dad tells you something. he can control it a bit. otherwise it would be a case of unravelling and attacking whoever came near equally viciously.

So if he can control it a bit, that tells you it’s possible for him to control it more.

I would enrol him in lots and lots of sport and outdoor activity. Take him and his sibling for a bike ride or to the playground or for a walk in the woods every single day. Enrol him in a martial arts club - there are usually very SEN friendly options around. Enrol him in Saturday morning football. Find a bouldering club and take him there Take him swimming every Sunday.

In his gaps - get him a small trampoline, a spade and a vegetable patch to dig in. A small workbench, soft wood and some basic tools (needs supervision). Get him outside growing, making and using his hands. Creativity isn’t just art and writing stories.

He needs to be moving around using gross motor skills. Getting sucked into screen time as a pacifier seems to help but in many ways it will make things worse as he will become sooooo reliant on that dopamine hit of his game. He needs to learn real world patience and regulation not zoning out in an online unreal existence,

I think the Switch should “break” for a while.