Would you reply to this Mum?

[Shleepymummy]

I have a 4 yr old DD in reception. She has a friend, call her Sue. She and Sue play nicely, get on. A few times DD has mentioned Sue has been ''mean' to her- not letting her play in the toy kitchen and not letting her play demon hunters because she had bunches. DD asked the teacher to take out her bunches so she could join in. I mentioned this to teacher and asked her to just keep an eye on it. Told DD next time to just said ok! And walk away and play with someone else. All has been find since. Sue has been invited to DD birthday party. I have never spoken to Sue's Mum, only received a text to say yes to the bday party.
Today, Sue's mum messaged me to say Sue was crying when she came out of school because DD and another child had been unkind. The message was long, not hugely accusatory of DD but sort of accusatory, explained Sue can get upset, hopes tomorrow is a better day. Sue's mum asked teacher if she noticed anything, she hadn't.
I don't know what to do.
DD is super super kind, not just saying that,'it's something everyone says about her. Not bragging, I did nothing to make that happen 😂 she is just really kind. I asked DD what happened- she said Sue was unkind so DD said well I'm not playing you and her and the other girl went off. She said she was unkind back to Sue and said next time she should be kind but just walk away. Fine.
I don't want to reply. Me and Sue's Mum are never going to be friends, or even acquaintances. She is very different to me. I don't think she should have even messaged me about it. I feel no matter what I say (unless it's a full omg I'm so sorry- naughty DD), she will come back with something else. I don't want to get into it. I have never brought up about Sue being unkind. Kids are learning social skills and they are so young, when we say unkind, it's very very mild- they don't know how to be nasty or DD certainly doesn't.
Saw my parents for a catch up and they advised ignore it, don't respond. They are however boomers and come from a time where you were just tough and that's that- no shits given. They aren't the most sociable people either so not sure I should definitely take their advice!
Thanks for making it this far- any ideas?!

Hi Sandra, I’m sorry to hear that Sue has been upset today. I’m not sure what exactly happened as I obviously wasn’t there and I’ll speak to my DD about it.

To be honest, my DD has brought up to me recently that Sue has been unkind to her at school because she has hair bunches, so it might that Sue has become upset when DD has walked away and ignored her like I told her to.

I have made the teacher aware as soon as my DD told me and she is keeping an eye on the girl’s interactions at school, so it might be wise to speak to the teacher about any concerns you have as well since she’s the one that will be aware of their behaviour whilst there.

I’m sure both of us would like the girls to get along, so hopefully we’ll still be seeing Sue at DD’s birthday party and we can get to the bottom of things there if there are any issues.

Thanks for letting me know, Shleepymummy.

PS: I know you don’t want to interact with her, but i definitely feel like she needs to know her daughter has been bullying and the blame doesn’t lie at your DD’s door! If she becomes hostile about it, just block her number.

You can also rescind Sue’s invite, of course. Instead of saying hopefully you will see her at the party, just say that it might be best if she doesn’t attend as they aren’t getting along and you don’t want your DD upset on her birthday.

Either way, I think you will sound reasonable so if mum is rude in reply to you, it says everything about her.

Hmmmmm the stuff you’re writing about the mum - knowing from pickup what ‘type’ of person she is and not engaging with people whose ‘morals don’t align’ with yours - doesn’t really make it sound like you’re the drama-free one here.

You absolutely cannot punish a child for the fact that her mother is a clueless PFB mother who doesnt understand how primary school kids work!

You can if OP’s DD doesn’t want her at her party in case she bullies her again. It’s her birthday party, she can decide if she wants Sue there or not. Also, if Sue’s mum believes that OP’s DD is the bully, she might well agree. It’s not about punishing the child at all.

I would not go into this detail. Just say thanks for letting me know.

If it happens again, I’d kick it over to teachers. “Thanks for letting me know, we’ve found the teacher to be really helpful for guidance as the kids learn social skills.”

I would reply with, "Kids eh? <eyeroll>"

Damned if I would say I would have a word with my kid in your situation.

If she sent a second text, I would ignore that but not the first one. It would be rude to just ignore it.

It happens with little girls only does it?

I must have imagined the little boy in my reception class pulling my hair, trying to kiss me at break and saying I couldn't be his friend if I chose plum crumble and custard for my pudding.

The plum crumble and custard won, in case you were wondering.

‘Sorry to hear Sue was upset. sally has had a few days like that too. I’m sure they’ll work it out, they’re just learning and I don’t think it will help for us to get involved.’

You rightly identify they they are still learning. You don’t actually know what is going on here only what your kid has told you, and what their kid has said. I think you need to stay on the fence somewhat. I’d text back and say “ I’ve spoken to xxxxx and she’s said xxxxxxxx (just be factual
nor emotive). Kids eh?! Let’s just keep and eye on it. “

This is the best response imo.

No! This is a pointless (and cruel) escalation.

Children look forward to parties.
They are going to be together for many years to come and this incident will be reminisced over and laughed at in future.

How about "I think in this case there are two sides to the story as I have heard a different account of how Sue and X's friendship has been evolving - but both the kids are young and in the end it is just a normal part of Sue and X working out their friendships and boundaries. I suggest we leave them to work it out."