Would you reply to this Mum?

[Shleepymummy]

I have a 4 yr old DD in reception. She has a friend, call her Sue. She and Sue play nicely, get on. A few times DD has mentioned Sue has been ''mean' to her- not letting her play in the toy kitchen and not letting her play demon hunters because she had bunches. DD asked the teacher to take out her bunches so she could join in. I mentioned this to teacher and asked her to just keep an eye on it. Told DD next time to just said ok! And walk away and play with someone else. All has been find since. Sue has been invited to DD birthday party. I have never spoken to Sue's Mum, only received a text to say yes to the bday party.
Today, Sue's mum messaged me to say Sue was crying when she came out of school because DD and another child had been unkind. The message was long, not hugely accusatory of DD but sort of accusatory, explained Sue can get upset, hopes tomorrow is a better day. Sue's mum asked teacher if she noticed anything, she hadn't.
I don't know what to do.
DD is super super kind, not just saying that,'it's something everyone says about her. Not bragging, I did nothing to make that happen 😂 she is just really kind. I asked DD what happened- she said Sue was unkind so DD said well I'm not playing you and her and the other girl went off. She said she was unkind back to Sue and said next time she should be kind but just walk away. Fine.
I don't want to reply. Me and Sue's Mum are never going to be friends, or even acquaintances. She is very different to me. I don't think she should have even messaged me about it. I feel no matter what I say (unless it's a full omg I'm so sorry- naughty DD), she will come back with something else. I don't want to get into it. I have never brought up about Sue being unkind. Kids are learning social skills and they are so young, when we say unkind, it's very very mild- they don't know how to be nasty or DD certainly doesn't.
Saw my parents for a catch up and they advised ignore it, don't respond. They are however boomers and come from a time where you were just tough and that's that- no shits given. They aren't the most sociable people either so not sure I should definitely take their advice!
Thanks for making it this far- any ideas?!

You've got 14 years of your kid and and others bickering. You're going to have to learn not to overthink it all.

"Thanks for letting me know. Teacher is aware that the girls are niggling each other a bit, so I'm sure she'll be keeping an eye"

So much drama over a four year olds' quarrel. They will have forgotten about it by Monday and be best friends again. On Wednesday your DD will be the one upset. on Thursday DD will have a new best friend. On Friday Sue will be flavour of the week again. On repeat until they get to about 6/7.

That's just how four year olds operate, their attention span hasn't developed much yet, they have very limited ability to imagine that they will feel differently in the future, and all emotions are heightened hence everything is extremely black and white for them. My 4yo and his "best friend everrrrrr" frequently have physical altercations, upon which they become sworn enemies and promise to never ever ever play together ever again, and then the next day they are all smiles and hugs.

Don't get involved with overly dramatic parents! And YY never ever tell a parent you don't like their child's behaviour, unless you know them really really well and know they would prefer to know than not.

I had one of these epic war and peace messages. I wrote back, quite conciliatory etc. The child in question turned out to be massively jealous of my daughter and caused her a load of grief. Was a massive relief when my daughter finally saw the light and binned her off.
Wish I had done what others suggested and written the shortest possible non committal message back.
Hindsight is a wonderful thing. The best thing about secondary school is NONE OF THIS!!!

I would not say I’ll speak to DD that implies she may have been wrong but Sue can also be mean and Sues mother is not aware

op just respond thanks for letting me know and move on

Being 4yo it's very likely that they both have been nasty, quite likely without meaning to, because they're 4yo

Exactly that! Your DD is four! You're expecting courtroom level justice for your DD, who you can't believe ever said, or will ever say something '4 year old level' mean.

Seriously, you're going to have to learn to let things wash over you, or you're going to find the next decade and a half intensely painful.

Definitely just send something bland like ‘thanks for keeping me in the loop. I’m sure it’ll sort itself out. They’re only little’. Is it her first?

Your reply was fine OP.
Now try to put it out of your mind.
Its very likely that regardless of who started it, both girls were unkind to each other at one stage.
And as they have years of being in the same class ahead of them, its better to avoid drama.

I agree something generic ‘thanks for sharing I’ll have a chat’ it doesn’t mean you’re agreeing that your dd is in the wrong or not.
remember she might have heard nothing so far .
we’re all learning on the spot how to be parents this is the first time most of us has dealt with these kind of issues so give each other grace

She shouldn't be messaging you about it, if she has an issue she should go to the class teacher who is actually there and can see if anything happened, they can deal with it. My son had issues with the same boy all through nursery and into reception (he's still only in reception) I don't think the parent is aware, she's a primary school teacher too funnily, there's no way I'd have messaged her though, her kid was scratching and causing bruises to my child, it wasn't just being unkind. I contacted the class teacher(s) and they did deal with it, he has now stopped (over 18 months on!!) and my son describes this boy as his best friend, which doesn't delight me truth be told, he'll say "he isn't unkind anymore" 🫠!

Part of me would be tempted to completely ignore this mum, but also i'd put her straight that your child had already been upset, but I'd make it clear that it's up to the teacher to deal with small fallings out like this, not parent's, the children are still little and learning.

I have to agree. The op is barely hiding her disdain for trashy mum. That’s at the root of this

@Shleepymummy depending on whether she replies or not, you could always reply saying something like ‘let’s chat at the party’

The fact is that you implicitly believe yoir dd and she, by the same token implicitly believes sue. Neither of you know what really happened.
'Thanks for letting me know' is a cordial but bland and meaningless response. I'd go with that

I’ve had this kind of message and the kids were 11! You’ve done the right thing just keeping it bland and neutral, I had done similar and just said I will talk to dc. Sometimes it’s about managing the parents not the kids.

👍 would be my acknowledgement at most.

4yo play “demon hunters” nowadays. How does a 4 get the notion to play a game like that?

I was determined to take offence at the Boomer comment then I realised their opinion was right.
Don't engage.
Sometimes we is right innit

But your response will do very nicely.

Hmm yeah. After reading the fucking thread, Op isn't exactly painting herself white.

I would write back “Obviously I wasn’t there. I think you need to find out what happened from the teacher who witnessed this.”

I agree that - Thanks for letting me know - is the correct response. No one's child has nothing to learn at four years of age and newly socialising.

Unkindness is always the perception of the child on the receiving end.
Small children are learning social skills and what might offend another child or embrace them in friendship..
Sue felt sad by the others walking away from her game.

Choose to see Sue's Mum as helpful but don't worry too much or make it a big problem.
When Sue comes to the party remember to say phrases like ..
Listen to how Sue/Mary wants the game to be.
Talk to Sue about changing the game a little bit etc etc.
Teach language to your child about conflict resolution.

Expose your child to language and behaviour so that she can emmulate you and choose civil ways of playing.

Do NOT get sucked into your children's arguments that your child will probably have forgotten by tomorrow. Just say 'thanks for letting me know', talk to your child and/or the school if you feel the need and accept that you'll only ever get your child's side of the story. Kids are fickle, none of them are perfect and some parents are absolutely unhinged. It's going to be a long few years and primary school is claustrophobic at times. Don't get overly invested and don't burn any bridges.

I would reply with “recollections vary on this one as DD said she walked away (which we teach her to do) because Sue was being unkind to her. I think it’s best if you have a chat with the school to highlight your concerns and they can let us know if there is an issue we need to deal with. Looking forward to the party”

I'm the words of Johnny Cash..."Life ain't easy for a boy named Sue"

If I felt the need to respond, It'd have been a simple "Kids, eh?"

I wouldnt do this purely because with this kind of mum it wont end there.

Any response above a grey rock type of "OK, I will speak to school" or similar will be latched on to and you will get messages every single bloody time Sue feels slighted because OPs DD wanted to play hopscotch instead of skipping (showing my age!). If you keep going with "OK I will speak to school" she gets nothing back so there is no point. She will slag you off because you dont care, but that doesnt matter because she will be "that" parent to all the other parents and the staff by then.

I made the mistake of engaging with DS1's friends mother who was like this and regretted it bitterly. Luckily they moved in Y2 and I never made the same mistake again. You need the text equivalent of smile, nod and move on.