Would you reply to this Mum?

[Shleepymummy]

I have a 4 yr old DD in reception. She has a friend, call her Sue. She and Sue play nicely, get on. A few times DD has mentioned Sue has been ''mean' to her- not letting her play in the toy kitchen and not letting her play demon hunters because she had bunches. DD asked the teacher to take out her bunches so she could join in. I mentioned this to teacher and asked her to just keep an eye on it. Told DD next time to just said ok! And walk away and play with someone else. All has been find since. Sue has been invited to DD birthday party. I have never spoken to Sue's Mum, only received a text to say yes to the bday party.
Today, Sue's mum messaged me to say Sue was crying when she came out of school because DD and another child had been unkind. The message was long, not hugely accusatory of DD but sort of accusatory, explained Sue can get upset, hopes tomorrow is a better day. Sue's mum asked teacher if she noticed anything, she hadn't.
I don't know what to do.
DD is super super kind, not just saying that,'it's something everyone says about her. Not bragging, I did nothing to make that happen 😂 she is just really kind. I asked DD what happened- she said Sue was unkind so DD said well I'm not playing you and her and the other girl went off. She said she was unkind back to Sue and said next time she should be kind but just walk away. Fine.
I don't want to reply. Me and Sue's Mum are never going to be friends, or even acquaintances. She is very different to me. I don't think she should have even messaged me about it. I feel no matter what I say (unless it's a full omg I'm so sorry- naughty DD), she will come back with something else. I don't want to get into it. I have never brought up about Sue being unkind. Kids are learning social skills and they are so young, when we say unkind, it's very very mild- they don't know how to be nasty or DD certainly doesn't.
Saw my parents for a catch up and they advised ignore it, don't respond. They are however boomers and come from a time where you were just tough and that's that- no shits given. They aren't the most sociable people either so not sure I should definitely take their advice!
Thanks for making it this far- any ideas?!

I think that pretty much does the job. I wouldn't just ignore it personally. She'll only crank things up and up till she gets a response.

Don't like conflict, don't have time for this, happy for the girls to be friends, it's the most minor fall out, so much more crap to come in life. I just don't engage with people who don't align my morals etc.

Woudl you ignore? Or just say thanks for letting me know

“I’m sorry that Sue didn’t have a great day today. We had the same with DD earlier in the week. I think at this age they’re all learning to navigate friendships at this age aren’t they. Hope Sue has a better day tomorrow. Look forward to seeing you at the party”

This:

Hiya
I'm sure school will keep an eye out and let us know if there's a problem. Hope they have a better day tomorrow together

Christ we are guna be here all night!

I think this sounds great

I'm slightly with op in thinking she might as well pin DD's upset squarely on Sue!😂

Only because I think that's probably going to be the best way to nip it in the bud - by reminding her that next week it might be Sue at fault and then modelling a "but let's not make a big deal of it" reaction.

I’d send her this 👍, then ignore her.

@Shleepymummy The boomer parents had the right idea. Dont get involved unless violence occurs and dont fall out with the mums.
OPs daughter needs to toughen up and not let other children dictate who plays with who

I reckon if you suggest in any way that school needs to know, she'll make sure they do! I think it's almost telling her to tell them. But maybe you actually prefer that?

The last msg is fine. Like you said, you’re never going to be friends and she sounds like a bit of a nightmare. Reply, just to be civil but don’t get into it and don’t drive yourself crazy trying to think of the perfect reply when you don’t even care about this person anyway.

I'd probably ignore, at least for tonight!

Think Sue's mum also needs to learn not to try and control the narrative so Sue continues to have DD by her side but also be allowed to be 'unkind' to DD. But I can't put that in a text. It's all so so stupid

It'd be better for her to tell school really.

Yes I would reply. As not replying is still engaging, she will see it as a snub and you won't be on good terms. I agree with pp to reply with something minimal and short doesn't matter if your think your taking responsibility or not tbh.sayinfmg you will speak to her doesn't mean you think she is in the wrong. Just that you will try and get to the bottom of it.

I'm beginning to wonder that too.

So true. Don't know why I'm overthinking it.
its because I don't want to make things worse for DD. I want her to be friends with Sue if she wants that, regardless of how I feel about Sue's mum. But also don't want DD to be pushed around by Sue and then end up taking the blame when she talks back.
Parenting- brutal!

Stop it - look what you are allowing this text to do to you!

The other parent has achieved their objective of upsetting you.

You do not even know if what she's telling you happened and you are getting angry and defensive.

To be fair, it's more likely the other mum wants to stand up for Sue who she feels is upset. That's surely more likely than trying to upset op.

@Shleepymummy - the above poster has the perfect reply here - it's what I would do too.

What about: 'Thanks for the heads up'

Right I've replied. Went with school keeping an eye on things and letting us know and hopefully they have a better day tomorrow. Didn't say thanks, I'm not thankful lol.

I find this post very hypocritical.

a child has gone home upset because of something your daughter has done

at 4 no child’s version is reliable enough you can say sue started it for definite or is the only one being unkind.

I find it hard to believe this is the first thing your daughter has done, the mum has probably had an upset little girl numerous times over the past few weeks, as you have, and is reaching out to as adults try and step in and help 4 year olds learn how to resolve it and be kind. As you said she didn’t accuse her and did say her daughter can get upset.

labelling the mum as a certain type is disgusting,

That's not how I see this drama seeking behaviour, no.

@Calliopespa or @IBlinkedAndBecameMiddleAged both suggested good replies. Use one of those and then just don't reply if anything comes back.