Struggling and not enjoying maternity leave

[Englishrose35]

Hi,
I just need to vent and also get some advice on how I am feeling.

Some background- I’m a first time mum to an 8 month old who I absolutely adore. I’m late 30s and before maternity was working in a professional job within the NHS which although stressful I really enjoy. I was really looking forward to maternity leave and took the maximum 12 months available plus annual leave. I had a difficult pregnancy with gestational diabetes on insulin and a few other health issues. Had a planned c-section which was great but then soon after I had a massive PPH of more than 4 litres and went back to theatre and needed transfusions. It was very scary. My recovery was quite slow but better now, we had a debrief which was helpful. I struggled to breastfeed and so initially exclusively pumped and now combination feeding expressed breast milk and formula alongside solids.

I am really struggling on maternity leave. I thought it would get better but there are just new challenges (teething, very active baby). I love my little boy but the days are long and I am so tired. He is a good sleeper and naps in his cot so I am very lucky. DH works long days as he does compressed hours. We do not have any practical support from family. I tried baby classes but LO hated them and screamed/ very fussy and I had to leave lots of times. I also didn’t enjoy them and found them stressful and difficult to plan around naps. We have a couple of local mum friends from NCT who we see which is nice but baby always fussy and wants to move around so it is difficult.

I don’t feel lonely as such, but I feel like I don’t have time to myself. I constantly feel “on” and cannot relax. I do not shower regularly any more (maybe once every few days), I have the time towards the end of the day but I don’t have the energy. I don’t wash my hair and it looks awful. I feel all I do is carefully watch baby and look after him, go on walks, pump milk and attempt to tidy. I find everything very stressful - getting him to sleep/ nap, watching him so he doesn’t hurt himself, weaning ..I still can never figure out why he cries - is it teething/ wind/ hunger/ boredom? I thought things would get easier but I feel they are harder and I’m just more stressed.

I wonder about work and I am going to do some KIT days, I wonder if I will be a better parent when I have more of a balance. I was so excited to be on maternity leave and I wasn’t expecting to feel this way at all. Perhaps I needed to lower my expectations a lot. I feel I can’t keep on top of things and I worry that this will be even worse when I go back to work - or maybe it will be better as I will have time to myself more and some thinking space. I am beginning to resent DH as I’m not sure he really gets it. He would love to be at home all day with baby and isn’t very happy in his job which makes it hard. He is supportive but the long hours mean he isn’t always home. My sleep is poor even though baby sleeps through…I often randomly wake up in the middle of the night and cannot get back to sleep which is frustrating.

Did anyone else feel like this or hate maternity leave? I worry when I go back to work I will regret saying all this as ofcourse I will hugely miss my baby. I am enjoying seeing him grow and all the milestones but sometimes I wish I hadn’t taken all of the time off as I am feeling frustrated and like I never get a break or time for myself.

DH wants another baby in the future but I’m not sure I can do all of this again. I know I don’t need to think about that just yet but will do soon because of my age.

Sorry this is such a long post but hoping for some words of support or solidarity or advice. Thanks

Oh you poor thing! I had gestational diabetes and stressful births, so I get you! It is totally ok not to love maternity leave. I have two and I personally found 6 months to 18 months the hardest / fussiest stage. My youngest is almost two and she's dreamy now - chatting a lot more and charging about. I was personally a better parent when I got some more help! We don't have any family nearby, so at various points I've used mothers help (like a nanny who also does housework), a neighbour to help with nursery runs, cleaners, nursery, a nanny, babysitters etc. etc. etc. It is ok not to do everything yourself. Try not to waste energy resenting your DH - I don't think he'll ever really be able to fully understand, especially if you're pumping milk etc - it's a lot! I'd channel your energy into making practical changes. How can things change so you can shower everyday!? Is he doing enough? Go to a hairdressers and get a wash and blowdry? Sounds like you need a bit of TLC and a break - and I'm sure you'll enjoy your KIT days! Have you got childcare planned for when you go back? I started both mine at childcare for a few days a week at 10 months instead of 12 months as I was going crazy :) it's also hard being a first time mum. I've enjoyed my second a lot more as I've been a lot less stressed about sleep, etc. (and she's a terrible sleeper). And they cry a lot as that's the only way they know how to communicate. I didn't enjoy classes first time round, but I found lots of drop in events, like library rhyme time or some churches do playgroups - might be worth looking into those? Also, try not to worry about not wanting baby number 2 for a bit longer - can you put a pin in any conversations for 6 months? I did not want number 2 for awhile - and now completely delighted she's here :) it will get better!

I think lowering expectations can help, often maternity leave is being portrayed as a holiday where you just chill with the baby and drink coffee, but for many of us, it’s bloody hard, suddenly you look after a tiny human literally 24/7 with no breaks whatsoever. I just took it a day at a time, I did enjoy some parts of it eventually, but I also was relieved when my little one started nursery and I went back to work part time.

I found the adjustment to parenthood difficult, like you say you feel "on" all the time, somehow even when they're napping. To be honest it took over a year to really get in the swing of it - it's such a stark contrast to pre baby life, literally changes in one day.

It will get better, I promise, the days are really long but even every 2/3 months it becomes easier in ways as they're happier just being. I found life with a second much easier in a way, the mental adjustment wasn't nearly as intense

Could you do shared parental leave with your partner and go back to work and he take over for a bit (or just go to childcare - I mention shared parental as sometimes it's easier for a partner to understand the shitness of being home with the baby alone that way, especially before a potential baby 2)?

Honestly, I hated maternity leave. For me, it's at the most boring stage of parenthood once you get past the initial 8 weeks of squishyness and quite frankly there's only so many conversations I can have about sleeping and weaning with other mums. I'd much rather go back to work earlier and have that time back when they're 18 months - 2.5 which is SO much more fun.

I did go back to work in the end. 6 months with DD1 (DH took over for 6 months, which turned into 18 months thanks to Covid), and then 9 almost 10 months with DD2 (DH again had the next 3 months off before she started childcare).

Sorry you're feeling like this, it's really hard when reality doesn't match up to your expectations. I also definitely remember the days feeling verrrryyy long if I didn't have a class or errand or meet up planned, and I would be texting DH come 5pm like what train are you going to be on, when will you be home.

Can you shower when baby is napping? It's hard because you just want to sit down with a tea, or do some of the backlog of chores, but honestly having a shower will make you feel better in the longterm.

It sounds like baby is on the move. Can you go to places that allow for this - softplay (usually cheap for under 1yo), play cafe, or now the weather is improving a park or playground? Even if your friends' babies aren't on the move, being somewhere yours can move around will make it less stressful for you both.

Some babies are just fussy and miserable about being babies. My second is much fussier than my first, often just having a whine or bleat for no good reason that I can tell! Hopefully this will improve as he learns to talk and can actually let us know what he needs. Hang in there!

It is really really hard with a fussy baby. Mine had just started to be more pleasant company when it was time for me to go back to work. And once I was back at work I valued the time with the baby much more.

The days did feel really long, I used to just pass the baby to DH as soon as he got home, I just needed to have some space, so if your DH works really long days that must be hard.

You do need to have some proper switch off time. How are the weekends? Can you build in time where DH has the baby/ takes him out and you can relax/ wash your hair?

You mention that you are pumping - do you really need to do this or can you try to transition to formula now? We all know the benefits of breast milk, but there are benefits to having a happy well rested mum too.

I hear you. I was a better parent when I returned to work and had a better balance. I’m close to all three children….we use good quality childcare and enjoy the time when we are together. It’s easy to get flamed here but going back to work and getting a balance is what works best for some people. Could you return at 9 months, part time perhaps?

Its very hard when you had a big career / it was a part of your core identity. I work in tech most of the mums are over 35 most struggle with the shock of the change.
Boring and hackneyed as it is its a phase.
I liked both my kids exponentially more once they hit one. Mine were awful when thry couldn't walk as they were generally frustrated. Youngest is 2 and its way more fun.
I also didnt feel close to human until about 12m pp. And didnt really feel like me until about 2 yrs both times.

DH works long days as he does compressed hours

This is Great.
This means he is around 3 -4 days a week presumably?

You need to divide and conquer.

You need to leave the baby with him for blocks of time (either send them outdoors and you sleep or you go out and sit in the sun / get a coffee / whatever.)

Showers spund important you need to stick him in a bouncer in the bathroom if dh isnt around for 15m in the morning or shower in the evening so you are ready to go.

It gets easier.
Now its nice out get out more go for big long walks (you'll benefit from it) go sit in nice open green space....

I basically only enjoyed the last month or 2 of my first mat leave and going back to work was a nice treat as I got to be alone 2 x hr per day on the tube

Maternity leave is not something to be enjoyed. The government doesn't force businesses to take on big financial losses and difficulties by giving women a year off so women can go have some fun and play in the sand with the baby. The purpose is that babies are extremely hard work in the first year of their life, alongside you having to recover from pregnancy and birth. I know you're looking around thinking all the other mums look more rested or whatever but they're not. Babies are challenging and as soon as you think you have a routine cracked, they change everything.

Going back to work early is good for some, not great for others. I had to go back at 7 months and it was awful. It wasn't a break and the juggling of baby, work, life was very hard. It's not the same for men and it likely never will be.

So I think you just need to adjust expectations and find your feet a bit.

And I don't mean the above to sound harsh, quite the opposite. We've all been there, it's just hard.

There's also this stupid modern narrative that we should have babies because they're fun. It's bullshit. The purpose of procreation is survival. And women historically had very little choice in it. Yes, you love your children and should absolutely try to find some joy every day but it's silly to think parenthood is anything other than hard work.

I totally agree with all of this. I also think you’ve had an incredibly difficult pregnancy and birth.

Could you still be low on iron OP? If you’ve not got the energy to shower and DS is sleeping through, I would get your iron levels checked and if they’re fine, perhaps ring read up on PND and see if you might be suffering

I do love my maternity leave but can still empathise with the struggles! A few things that have helped me keep things I needed (shower, self care, gym, study and a bit of work):

• our baby will cry if she’s at home with my husband alone, but if he takes her out in the carrier she doesn’t need me for 6 hours. Maybe you can try getting your husband out with baby in stroller/carrier too?
• can you adjust your wake-up/sleep around baby? I used to go to gym in the morning and sleep comparatively early, now I sleep in with baby but therefore have more energy to work out at night while my husband has her.
• Can you outsource chores? We get a cleaner whenever we really can’t keep up.
• Get your husband to do stuff that helps you when he’s home, e.g. prep things for the next day (clean high chair, dishes, meal prep…)

I didn't enjoy maternity leave and I know lots of women who didn't too. I think it's a normal thing. Motherhood strips you of your identity and whilst we love our babies, sometimes goals of how many loads of washing you can complete just aren't satisfying!
Get some KIT days booked in. I found I was a much better mother when I went back to work / got my identity back and a sense of other things going on in the world.
May be worth trying baby classes again, or perhaps a baby swim class or something more active to meet other parents but also to break up the days a bit. I used to go out in the mornings and then schedule something again for the afternoons, as being inside is dire x

I have been much happier since going back to work; I went back when mine was 11 months. Can you talk to your line manager about going back sooner? Cen you go back after 12 minths but then use your annual leave to take a couple of days off a week? That’s what I did initially. You are fortunate yours naps in the cot; cant you shower then? Mine didn’t nap in the cot until she was over 12 months so I was always walking or doing contact naps. Weaning is boring, I just gave mine what we ate, was pointless making anything just for her. Would you consider stopping BF/pumping and go to formula? Might save that hassle. I’d try some different activities with baby, what about swimming mine has always loved that, or look for a soft play with an under 1s area. Anything to structure the day around. And don’t worry about having a 2nd right now, go back to work and see how you feel. We’re one and done for many reasons. It’s your decision at the day, not your DH.

Also babies cry!! You don’t have to figure it out. Mine is 18 months and still cries, it’s totally normal. Mine is so much better when she’s outside.so much easier with good weather - go to a park with a mat and let baby roam around there.

I went back at 6/7 months (technically had 7months of led but used KIT days to go back 2 days a week for month 7) and it was perfect for me. I am 100% a better mother going to work.
it gives me more structure (will make you shower etc which will make you feel better) and just having adult conversations where I can finish a sentence (finish a thought!!) and have a hot cup of tea and go for a wee when I want to makes a huge difference to me. I’m about to go on maternity leave again (well, later this year) and plan to do the same time frame. I’m dreading it slightly because I know how much I missed being at work. Doesn’t mean I love my children any less - but I was a full person before I had children, why should those things that made me me suddenly not be important any more?

It’s exhausting and incredibly boring. If it was fun and relaxing, men would be elbowing us out of the way to stay home with babies. 😂 I went back to work part time initially with both of mine at 9 and 11 months and I was literally skipping to work. It was fantastic! I enjoyed them both much more when I wasn’t home with them all day every day.

I went back at 6 m for both of mine as it wasn’t for me being on mat leave. Could you do shared parental leave? It’s ace.

Also, I’ll whisper this as people always think this makes me a kid hater, it’s ok not to like babies. I don’t mean you should kick them or be abusive but they aren’t that interesting to me at the baby stage. By the time we get to toddlers, it’s fucking ace (at least for me!)

You had a difficult pregnancy and birth. That is all very traumatic. People expect all the trauma to just disappear once baby arrives but it doesn't. I didn't realise that I was traumatised and probably had postnatal depression and anxiety. Actually, if I'm honest I did realise but I spent so long TTC and had so much treatment I felt wrong / ungrateful/ conflicted to express it. I think you need to talk to you GP or HV because you sound depressed. It would all be worth doing some blood tests because your body has gone through a lot.

You sound like you have a fussy baby. My first was like that. It makes the first year of baby so hard compared to other mums with more contented babies. I’ve had both now.

for your sleep - magnesium!! And count your lucky stars he sleeps well. You could be completely in the shitter. My woke every 45-90 minutes for the first year of life. It was horrendous.

Don’t worry if you don’t like baby groups. Neither did I. Toddler groups can be fun. Like church ones.

also I did and do resent my husband so no help on that front sorry, you’re not alone there

I think there are a subset of us who enjoy independence, working life and a baby takes away any chances to be "you". My first was fussy, wanted constant engagement, naps were never routine, sleep not guaranteed etc. By 8 months we were in couples therapy where the therapist made us start scheduling time for ourselves for date nights, for us individually to see friends and go to the gym, and I went back to work. We had to get a nanny at first as it was very hard to find nursery for that age, but it was worth its weight in gold. Mine are older now and I still drop them off on a Monday morning and have a little pep in my step going into the office. I adore my children, they are my world, but being actively engaged at my job made me so happy and it is ok to recognise that and to say you have needs which aren't just childcare. 8 months is the pitts (regressions, movement starting, nothing is safe), I remember it well.

Babies are full on at that age, it’s totally normal to feel exhausted and overwhelmed.

From about that age I usually start taking them in to the shower with me and sit them of the floor with bath toys to play with and a folded up towel behind them if they’re still wobbly sitting or wash sitting on the floor with them between my legs.

You said your husband works compressed hours so I’m guessing he’s home 2-3 days a week? Can you he watch him for the day or a morning on one of these so you can do some volunteer or just do your own thing and decompress?

Maternity leave is shit. Some women do have a lovely time and some just don’t. It’s just the luck of the draw. Some have a fussy baby, some don’t, some have a fussy eater, some don’t, some have a Houdini that tries to escape the car seat, some don’t.

Going back to work massively helped me. Having some time to myself, going to the toilet without a bag crying, not having to time my lunch around nap times or have to share with a weaning baby. Just a few hours talking to adults.

Even with the juggling everything that comes with going back to work because at least DH had to juggle too. It felt a lot more even. Do some kit days and get DH to look after baby. Set yourself up for success straight away and don’t do any admin for it. Baby is 8 months so he can work out when baby is due a feed, what to feed baby and what is needed in a changing bag. Tell him the date and just leave in the morning to go to your kit day.

Babies are also pretty boring but they’re about to start getting really fun (and challenging). Your baby will start to develop their own personality now. They become fun about 1.

I found becoming a first time mother incredibly hard and I had a very fussy, crying baby too. I was very young and didn’t have a job to go back to but I was continuing my undergraduate degree when he was just over a year old. My son starting nursery and me going back to my degree saved my sanity and I definitely felt like me again. If your baby is a good sleeper you might actually enjoy the break when you go back to work

This is so true and something o have t thougt of before. You’re right though, if it was anything but incredibly hard work we would not be allowed to have it.

You are not alone, so many of us feel this way. I have totally mixed emotions, but he’s 9 months and I definitely had thoughts of wishing I’d gone back to work now instead of a year. Mums with babies that aren’t fussy also don’t really get it. But before you know it you’ll be back at work, enjoy the moments you can and be reassured that it’s totally normal to find it hard and unenjoyable at times. I find keeping busy helps the most, even if that’s just taking him to the shops with me while I window shop but I’m lucky he’s ok in the push chair, not sure why your baby is like. You could try baby soft play if he’s on the move a lot, even if it just kills an hour, makes the day go quicker. Dm if you need to.