Struggling and not enjoying maternity leave

[Englishrose35]

Hi,
I just need to vent and also get some advice on how I am feeling.

Some background- I’m a first time mum to an 8 month old who I absolutely adore. I’m late 30s and before maternity was working in a professional job within the NHS which although stressful I really enjoy. I was really looking forward to maternity leave and took the maximum 12 months available plus annual leave. I had a difficult pregnancy with gestational diabetes on insulin and a few other health issues. Had a planned c-section which was great but then soon after I had a massive PPH of more than 4 litres and went back to theatre and needed transfusions. It was very scary. My recovery was quite slow but better now, we had a debrief which was helpful. I struggled to breastfeed and so initially exclusively pumped and now combination feeding expressed breast milk and formula alongside solids.

I am really struggling on maternity leave. I thought it would get better but there are just new challenges (teething, very active baby). I love my little boy but the days are long and I am so tired. He is a good sleeper and naps in his cot so I am very lucky. DH works long days as he does compressed hours. We do not have any practical support from family. I tried baby classes but LO hated them and screamed/ very fussy and I had to leave lots of times. I also didn’t enjoy them and found them stressful and difficult to plan around naps. We have a couple of local mum friends from NCT who we see which is nice but baby always fussy and wants to move around so it is difficult.

I don’t feel lonely as such, but I feel like I don’t have time to myself. I constantly feel “on” and cannot relax. I do not shower regularly any more (maybe once every few days), I have the time towards the end of the day but I don’t have the energy. I don’t wash my hair and it looks awful. I feel all I do is carefully watch baby and look after him, go on walks, pump milk and attempt to tidy. I find everything very stressful - getting him to sleep/ nap, watching him so he doesn’t hurt himself, weaning ..I still can never figure out why he cries - is it teething/ wind/ hunger/ boredom? I thought things would get easier but I feel they are harder and I’m just more stressed.

I wonder about work and I am going to do some KIT days, I wonder if I will be a better parent when I have more of a balance. I was so excited to be on maternity leave and I wasn’t expecting to feel this way at all. Perhaps I needed to lower my expectations a lot. I feel I can’t keep on top of things and I worry that this will be even worse when I go back to work - or maybe it will be better as I will have time to myself more and some thinking space. I am beginning to resent DH as I’m not sure he really gets it. He would love to be at home all day with baby and isn’t very happy in his job which makes it hard. He is supportive but the long hours mean he isn’t always home. My sleep is poor even though baby sleeps through…I often randomly wake up in the middle of the night and cannot get back to sleep which is frustrating.

Did anyone else feel like this or hate maternity leave? I worry when I go back to work I will regret saying all this as ofcourse I will hugely miss my baby. I am enjoying seeing him grow and all the milestones but sometimes I wish I hadn’t taken all of the time off as I am feeling frustrated and like I never get a break or time for myself.

DH wants another baby in the future but I’m not sure I can do all of this again. I know I don’t need to think about that just yet but will do soon because of my age.

Sorry this is such a long post but hoping for some words of support or solidarity or advice. Thanks

Oh you poor thing! I had gestational diabetes and stressful births, so I get you! It is totally ok not to love maternity leave. I have two and I personally found 6 months to 18 months the hardest / fussiest stage. My youngest is almost two and she's dreamy now - chatting a lot more and charging about. I was personally a better parent when I got some more help! We don't have any family nearby, so at various points I've used mothers help (like a nanny who also does housework), a neighbour to help with nursery runs, cleaners, nursery, a nanny, babysitters etc. etc. etc. It is ok not to do everything yourself. Try not to waste energy resenting your DH - I don't think he'll ever really be able to fully understand, especially if you're pumping milk etc - it's a lot! I'd channel your energy into making practical changes. How can things change so you can shower everyday!? Is he doing enough? Go to a hairdressers and get a wash and blowdry? Sounds like you need a bit of TLC and a break - and I'm sure you'll enjoy your KIT days! Have you got childcare planned for when you go back? I started both mine at childcare for a few days a week at 10 months instead of 12 months as I was going crazy :) it's also hard being a first time mum. I've enjoyed my second a lot more as I've been a lot less stressed about sleep, etc. (and she's a terrible sleeper). And they cry a lot as that's the only way they know how to communicate. I didn't enjoy classes first time round, but I found lots of drop in events, like library rhyme time or some churches do playgroups - might be worth looking into those? Also, try not to worry about not wanting baby number 2 for a bit longer - can you put a pin in any conversations for 6 months? I did not want number 2 for awhile - and now completely delighted she's here :) it will get better!

I think lowering expectations can help, often maternity leave is being portrayed as a holiday where you just chill with the baby and drink coffee, but for many of us, it’s bloody hard, suddenly you look after a tiny human literally 24/7 with no breaks whatsoever. I just took it a day at a time, I did enjoy some parts of it eventually, but I also was relieved when my little one started nursery and I went back to work part time.

I found the adjustment to parenthood difficult, like you say you feel "on" all the time, somehow even when they're napping. To be honest it took over a year to really get in the swing of it - it's such a stark contrast to pre baby life, literally changes in one day.

It will get better, I promise, the days are really long but even every 2/3 months it becomes easier in ways as they're happier just being. I found life with a second much easier in a way, the mental adjustment wasn't nearly as intense

Could you do shared parental leave with your partner and go back to work and he take over for a bit (or just go to childcare - I mention shared parental as sometimes it's easier for a partner to understand the shitness of being home with the baby alone that way, especially before a potential baby 2)?

Honestly, I hated maternity leave. For me, it's at the most boring stage of parenthood once you get past the initial 8 weeks of squishyness and quite frankly there's only so many conversations I can have about sleeping and weaning with other mums. I'd much rather go back to work earlier and have that time back when they're 18 months - 2.5 which is SO much more fun.

I did go back to work in the end. 6 months with DD1 (DH took over for 6 months, which turned into 18 months thanks to Covid), and then 9 almost 10 months with DD2 (DH again had the next 3 months off before she started childcare).

Sorry you're feeling like this, it's really hard when reality doesn't match up to your expectations. I also definitely remember the days feeling verrrryyy long if I didn't have a class or errand or meet up planned, and I would be texting DH come 5pm like what train are you going to be on, when will you be home.

Can you shower when baby is napping? It's hard because you just want to sit down with a tea, or do some of the backlog of chores, but honestly having a shower will make you feel better in the longterm.

It sounds like baby is on the move. Can you go to places that allow for this - softplay (usually cheap for under 1yo), play cafe, or now the weather is improving a park or playground? Even if your friends' babies aren't on the move, being somewhere yours can move around will make it less stressful for you both.

Some babies are just fussy and miserable about being babies. My second is much fussier than my first, often just having a whine or bleat for no good reason that I can tell! Hopefully this will improve as he learns to talk and can actually let us know what he needs. Hang in there!

It is really really hard with a fussy baby. Mine had just started to be more pleasant company when it was time for me to go back to work. And once I was back at work I valued the time with the baby much more.

The days did feel really long, I used to just pass the baby to DH as soon as he got home, I just needed to have some space, so if your DH works really long days that must be hard.

You do need to have some proper switch off time. How are the weekends? Can you build in time where DH has the baby/ takes him out and you can relax/ wash your hair?

You mention that you are pumping - do you really need to do this or can you try to transition to formula now? We all know the benefits of breast milk, but there are benefits to having a happy well rested mum too.

I hear you. I was a better parent when I returned to work and had a better balance. I’m close to all three children….we use good quality childcare and enjoy the time when we are together. It’s easy to get flamed here but going back to work and getting a balance is what works best for some people. Could you return at 9 months, part time perhaps?

Its very hard when you had a big career / it was a part of your core identity. I work in tech most of the mums are over 35 most struggle with the shock of the change.
Boring and hackneyed as it is its a phase.
I liked both my kids exponentially more once they hit one. Mine were awful when thry couldn't walk as they were generally frustrated. Youngest is 2 and its way more fun.
I also didnt feel close to human until about 12m pp. And didnt really feel like me until about 2 yrs both times.

DH works long days as he does compressed hours

This is Great.
This means he is around 3 -4 days a week presumably?

You need to divide and conquer.

You need to leave the baby with him for blocks of time (either send them outdoors and you sleep or you go out and sit in the sun / get a coffee / whatever.)

Showers spund important you need to stick him in a bouncer in the bathroom if dh isnt around for 15m in the morning or shower in the evening so you are ready to go.

It gets easier.
Now its nice out get out more go for big long walks (you'll benefit from it) go sit in nice open green space....

I basically only enjoyed the last month or 2 of my first mat leave and going back to work was a nice treat as I got to be alone 2 x hr per day on the tube

Maternity leave is not something to be enjoyed. The government doesn't force businesses to take on big financial losses and difficulties by giving women a year off so women can go have some fun and play in the sand with the baby. The purpose is that babies are extremely hard work in the first year of their life, alongside you having to recover from pregnancy and birth. I know you're looking around thinking all the other mums look more rested or whatever but they're not. Babies are challenging and as soon as you think you have a routine cracked, they change everything.

Going back to work early is good for some, not great for others. I had to go back at 7 months and it was awful. It wasn't a break and the juggling of baby, work, life was very hard. It's not the same for men and it likely never will be.

So I think you just need to adjust expectations and find your feet a bit.

And I don't mean the above to sound harsh, quite the opposite. We've all been there, it's just hard.

There's also this stupid modern narrative that we should have babies because they're fun. It's bullshit. The purpose of procreation is survival. And women historically had very little choice in it. Yes, you love your children and should absolutely try to find some joy every day but it's silly to think parenthood is anything other than hard work.